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How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart


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One of the reasons for my recent break-up is that I lost love and respect for myself. This spiralled out of control when I realised (and she told me) that she was losing love and respect for me. It became a vicious cycle. Towards the end I was a passive-aggressive monster with no control over my emotions; a far cry from the happy, quirky, goofy, independent guy I was when she met me four-plus years ago.

 

The trajectory of the relationship was such that breaking up (again!) was inevitable. Yet when it finally happened, and especially given the circumstances in which it happened, I raged against it. Soon I fell into a deep, dark depression that even had me visit a ghastly suicide-glorification website.

 

What got me out of this hole was the sudden realisation in my mind and in my heart that I needed to love her, forgive her, and set her free. For in loving her and forgiving her and setting her free selflessly I would in effect be loving myself, forgiving myself, and setting myself free! This realisation was a turning point for me. I was able to accept my situation for what it was and work on rebuilding my broken heart and filling it with renewed love and happiness.

 

This is when I began proactively developing ways to intercept negative and hurtful feelings and replace them with positive feelings. I based them on techniques espoused in audio books I have listened to recently, including Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and the The Power, as well as more "grounded" self-help works such as Anthony Robbins' Awaken the Giant Within and Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

 

One technique I use when I am aware that I am slipping into a negative thought process is to think to myself or say out loud, as appropriate, "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over until thoughts and feelings about the people and things I am grateful for make me smile. I alternate that with thinking to myself or saying out loud, as appropriate, "I love, I love, I love" until thoughts and feelings about the people and things I love make me smile. I repeat these processes as often as I need to during the day. And I make sure I do them before I sleep at night and as soon as I wake up in the morning.

 

It is about a month and a bit since the finality of the break-up and about three weeks since the rocky depths of my depression. I am happy to report that I now have much greater control of my thoughts and emotions than I have ever had in my life! When I feel that hollow feeling of abandonment (or any other negative emotion) creeping up on me, I am able to consciously intercept it by focusing on things that I love about myself and my world and being grateful for them. And I do this as often as I need to.

 

It works for me! I feel that I am back in control of my heart and mind. It's a wonderful, empowering feeling, especially now that I am so aware of and grateful for the things and people in my life whom I love. This includes my ex, whom I still love, of course. And I love her from a much healthier emotional place. But I now realise she has self-esteem issues of her own, which I hope to help her with if/when she's ready to be friends again.

 

The important lessons I wish to share if you are struggling with the awful pain of a broken heart are:

 

1) Find a way to heal with love and forgiveness in your heart. For the simple and sincere act of loving and forgiving the person who broke your heart will help your heart heal a lot faster than if you consciously hold on to anger and pain. Loving and forgiving another equates to loving and forgiving yourself.

 

2) Be proactive when it comes to loving yourself. Only YOU can love YOURSELF. Experiment with techniques that promote thoughts and feelings of love and gratitude in your heart and in your mind in order to displace pain and negativity. Make it a project to develop your own techniques. I swear to you that this may be the most important assignment you ever set yourself in your life.

 

For me I hope to carry forward the techniques of self-awareness, self-affirmation, and self-love I have adapted for myself into a bright future full of love and gratitude.

 

Take care. Be strong.

 

DD

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talk about synchronicity

 

ive jus put on my facebook about 2mins ago....

 

Just enjoying my life, my simple but beautiful pleasures, my blessings, and meeting amazing people, both new and old....I'm happy and content and wish this for everyone else in the world. Nothing else matters ♥

 

 

and it really is all true....i ended things 9 weeks ago, because he never stepped up to the plate, i tried for two months prior BU and nothing ever changed, so i had to leave. He would send me texts, be super chatty and friendly, only to say 'im still confused' (about being with me) at end of them, felt unfair on me and felt it was games,....it was a blow to me as i have abondonment stuff from being adopted, but....im coming through BU now because I went full NC instead of NIC (Not Into Crumbs)

 

It doesnt matter if hes confused...im not,...ive moved house, refurbed it on me own making it my DREAM COTTAGE, nothing beats chilling with baby oil by an open fire and candles and a cat that loves me unconditionally lol

 

...I know ex has new job and thats great too, maybe he can be happier now, have a purpose in life and not play video games 24/7....I am happy for him, truly. But he still needs a spine. He should try eBay, they have it all on there

 

Break ups hurt and i know i can go 'back down' again, but i like me, i love me, i embrace me, but am aware of the parts of me that aint so rosy and i jus try give myself some slack on those

 

peeps...jus keep saying thank you for the good in your life, even if its just the shade of the carpet that goes just right with your room, say thank you universe for pulling that off hehe

 

great post DD....you got it together

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dabbledave, there's such a lot of truth in this. It's something I'm working on at the moment, and I'm definitely beginning to feel the benefits. I must say, though, I'm finding letting go of those negative feelings of anger, bitterness and hurt difficult - I think they were a crutch that got me through the worst of my breakup. But just over two months on and over a month NC, I'm beginning to realise that holding onto those feelings is only having an effect on ME. I mean, what does she care that I'm angry, that I'm hurt, that I feel like I've been treated badly? Given the situation of NC, it's only ME that it's having an affect on. So, what's the point?

 

Sure, it's satisfying in a way to feel indignant and to have your friends feel indignant on your behalf, but I'm realising the only way to stop feeling as though I've been dumped recently and take the sting out of the hurt is just to LET GO of the negativity. My ego and pride are getting in the way a bit - there's a part of me that feels I'm letting her get off too easy by working towards forgiving her - but if it makes my everyday life feel more positive, then it's the right thing to do!

 

Thanks for a good post man!

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One of the reasons for my recent break-up is that I lost love and respect for myself.[/b] This spiralled out of control when I realised (and she told me) that she was losing love and respect for me. It became a vicious cycle. Towards the end I was a passive-aggressive monster with no control over my emotions; a far cry from the happy, quirky, goofy, independent guy I was when she met me four-plus years ago.

 

 

I became the same way, and I blamed my depression for the end of my relationship.

 

However... I'm now thinking that my relationship was to blame for my depression.

 

Something you might wanna think about too...

 

Continue being strong, gives the rest of us hope!

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Dave so much of your post rings true, I feel like I'm at the beginning of the path you are some distance down, but I'm still trying. One question though...

 

 

 

I love my ex, truly. For the first time in 30 years, when I said "I love you", I meant it. I love every fibre of her, and I want her to be happy. I have accepted that that happiness won't be with me, so this time I've stayed away and let her get on with things.

 

My question is simple though.

 

How do you forgive someone that thinks they don't need forgiving? Bottom line is, she treated me like a gofer, a go getter, the safety backup. She was selfish, uncompromising, emotional unstable and very manipulative. She admitted this a tiny bit during our breakup chat, but in her head she did nothing really wrong. I will say for a fact that I know she is the most insecure and abdonment fearing person I have ever known, and everything she does is dictated by these needs, so I can forgive them. She on the other hand doesn't even acknowledge them.

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How do you forgive someone that thinks they don't need forgiving?

 

Hi Benville, I hear ya! Forgive your ex in order to forgive yourself. Forgive your ex in order to stop feeling like a victim and to start building up the hero character in your life: YOU!

 

You say you love her. The best way you can love her is to forgive her and let her go. Her choices and her perceptions of those choices are things you cannot change. Don't try to change them.

 

Change yourself. Fill your head with the good stuff!

 

I became the same way, and I blamed my depression for the end of my relationship. However... I'm now thinking that my relationship was to blame for my depression. Something you might wanna think about too... Continue being strong, gives the rest of us hope!

 

Lemsip, the great thing about forgiveness is you leave blame behind. You only take the lessons learned with you!

 

if it makes my everyday life feel more positive, then it's the right thing to do! Thanks for a good post man!

 

Absolutely right, AquilaVindex! And you are very very welcome

 

I'm happy and content and wish this for everyone else in the world. Nothing else matters ♥

 

peeps...jus keep saying thank you for the good in your life, even if its just the shade of the carpet that goes just right with your room, say thank you universe for pulling that off hehe

 

1guygirl, Nice FB status. And yes, exactly! Intercept your negative and hurtful thoughts by looking for things to appreciate and give thanks for.

 

That's why I try to stay aware of how I'm feeling, but when a negative thought does pop up I displace it by saying "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over in my head. It blocks the negative thought process and buys me time to look around me or think of things to be grateful for. And I keep doing it until a smile comes to my face.

 

It's easier than you think in the early stages! And for me it's becoming almost automatic now: I start to smile and look around for positive angles almost as soon as a negative thought tries to creep in.

 

But remember everyone, you have to be proactive in finding what works for you. Experiment with techniques that help you see the good in your life.

 

And adapt/modify/pimp the ones that do it for you. Repeat those techniques as many times as you need to (for me it was most of the day for the first couple of days!). And always do it before you sleep and as soon as you wake up!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

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I've come accross this concept before, and there is truth to it.

 

It sounds so simple. How long were you doing this, before you started feeling the effects emotionally?

 

Hi Rita,

 

There's certainly truth in it for me, my story, and my recovery from the emotional depths to which I plunged three weeks ago. The emotional relief for me was instantaneous, if only temporary. But I do this gratitude and/or love thing as and when I need it so that *touch wood* I've created somewhat of a new habit out of it. I'm almost positive that repeating the process and making it a habit has sped up my emotional healing to where I am now.

 

DD

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I'll forgive her in my heart in the morning when I'm not so angry, right now the anger is doing me just fine.

 

You do what you feel you need to now. But I know that you know that at some point you have to consciously let go of the anger for your own sake, and particularly because you still care for her at some level. As Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

Try it in the morning by forcing yourself to think and feel thankful for the promise of a new day and everything good within it. (And do yourself a favour; try not to go to sleep angry. Distract yourself with some comedy or an inspiring book.)

 

DD

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You do what you feel you need to now. But I know that you know that at some point you have to consciously let go of the anger for your own sake, and particularly because you still care for her at some level. As Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

Try it in the morning by forcing yourself to think and feel thankful for the promise of a new day and everything good within it. (And do yourself a favour; try not to go to sleep angry. Distract yourself with some comedy or an inspiring book.)

 

DD

 

I know Dave, and I know you're right. I've referenced that same quote to several others on this forum recently, and it's true.

 

I am just at my wits end though. I think I've handled this break up pretty damned well and looked after myself, especially compared to the last time we broke up where I basically degraded myself and begged her back, then just acted the lapdog/doormat until she took me back.

 

I've been calm, I've been mature, I've stuck to NC. All I was doing was returning some of her stuff, and I get labelled creepy? Unstable? Borderline stalker?

 

Because I spoke to her Father the night we broke up I am unhinged?

 

Everything I said to her got twisted and turned. She knew I was aware of her twitter page, it's a public profile, yet I get called intrusive? A creep for talking about a facebook status she wrote? Her father lied to her about what I said, which she accepted, yet still stayed angry at me by calling me weird for even wanting to just say goodbye to the fella that I got on very well with.

 

I'm ranting now, and I didn't want to, not on this thread, so I'm sorry, but she just shreds my patience.

 

I know where all this comes from, how insecure she is, how emotionally fragile and this anger seems to be her tool for dealing with our breakup, so yes I want to forgive her, I want to understand and accept. But right now anger is the only thing stopping me from believing the words she says. She can get right to my heart with such few words, and make me doubt myself to my very core. Anger gives me a defence against that.

 

This morning I woke up feeling calm and at peace, and looking forward to the day she and I could be friends, and look back on things with a smile and be mature about it all. I know now that won't happen. She's a child, an insecure child, who hurts others to validate her own security.

 

Time to look after number one, me.

 

I will try and do what you said and calm myself before bed, I will try.

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The power of your thoughts and feelings are awesome, which is why it is so important to take control of them.

 

An hour ago I received a PM from a guy who is starting to intercept his negative hateful, jealous, and sad thoughts with positive loving, forgiving, and thankful replacements.

 

He wrote: "It makes me feel that I can move on. Just by thinking it. This may be one of the most important things I've read in the last 6 months ... this resonates in me and is something I can do instantly."

 

This man has made a conscious decision to pull himself out of his melancholy by proactively taking control of his thoughts and feelings. He's becoming the hero in his life, rather than the victim.

 

DD

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I'm going for it. Starting this morning, 24 hours as a mini-goal, I shall give it my damndest to intercept all my negative behaviour.

 

Windows open, music on, munching an apple for breakfast (I pretty much never eat fruit), sun is shining. Already a good start to the day.

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Good for you! Remind yourself of this every time you are aware of a negative thought or feeling.

 

DD

 

ive actually found a wall sticker with the words Live Laugh Love that would just look great and in constant view...no excuse to forget now, ey

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I would love to hear stories from people who have consciously made a decision to displace negative and hurtful thoughts and feelings about their ex and their break-up with positive thoughts and feelings about themselves and the world around them.

 

What I described in the opening post of this thread has worked remarkably well and surprisingly quickly for me! Only three weeks on from one of the lowest emotional points in my life I can now engage in online discussions with my ex the way I used to four years ago when we first met; except that now I'm even more positive and confident than I was then!

 

Yesterday she told me the reasons why she broke up with me. I had already figured it out but I wanted confirmation. It was painful to hear it directly from her, but I was able to stay bright and positive throughout. She noted how much I'd moved on: Great outcome!

 

When the conversation ended I was able to intercept negative thoughts and feelings to affirm all that is great and good about me and my life. Therefore, I experienced no serious setback in my healing: Another great outcome!

 

Thus I obtained useful confirmation of what I had understood and accepted regarding the end of the relationship and an unneeded yet nevertheless welcome compliment from my ex about my new-found positivity: Fantastic!

 

If you'd asked me two months ago about the power of positive thinking, I would have paid it lip-service and cynically mentioned how self-styled gurus make a lot of money writing books and doing motivational speaking gigs on variations of the theme.

 

However, three weeks ago I desperately needed something to believe in. (I'm an atheist.) The answer: I needed to believe in love, forgiveness, myself, my world/universe, and the power of positive thinking.

 

Your success stories and descriptions of the techniques you use to displace negativity with positivity will, I'm sure, give hope to those currently struggling with the emotional roller-coaster of heartbreak. So if you have experienced healing with love and gratitude in your heart, please write about it here.

 

Why?

 

Well, why not!?

 

It feels good!

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Yesterday I noticed that someone had rated this thread as 1/5 stars (i.e. "terrible"). My instinctive reaction was: "So you do not think my work-in-progress healing story is worthy of sharing with others ... You [insert expletive here]!"

 

But as that thought arose I became consciously aware that I was pandering to the other person's negativity. His/her negativity in rating this thread as "terrible" was drawing out negativity in me like a magnet. So I stopped myself and I turned my reaction into something more positive. And here it is (as a thought; I didn't PM that person with this.):

 

Thank you [that person] for reminding me that there is no one-size-fits-all solution for emotional turmoil. While I did mention in the original post that it was important to proactively experiment with techniques to develop one or more that works for you, perhaps I didn't make that clear enough.

 

Thank you also [that person] for reminding me that happiness and contentment can only come from within myself, NOT from your acceptance of my story or your appreciation of my sharing of it. Thank you [that person]!

And so it is that whenever I think a negative thought about my recent break-up, or something hurtful she said, or something I should have said or done differently in the past, I consciously intercept that thought with "thank you, thank you, thank you" and search for something positive to give thanks for.

 

That's my own simple little technique. The point is that my newly-acquired positive mental attitude in action has helped me far more and far quicker than I dared to expect!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

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Wasn't able to be as rigid today with the positive thinking. It really does take conscious effort and decision to do, and today I guess I just forgot. Feeling tired and cranky and out of sorts. Not particularly pining over my ex in any way, but she's there in my thoughts a lot, and although not in any particularly negative or bitter way, it's definitely not any kind of warmth either.

 

Will attempt to spend the rest of the evening being upbeat, as yesterday was definitely the best I've felt in a long time. I slept bad last night too, felt like hell this morning, so put me on the back foot from the get-go.

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Wasn't able to be as rigid today with the positive thinking. It really does take conscious effort and decision to do, and today I guess I just forgot. Feeling tired and cranky and out of sorts. Not particularly pining over my ex in any way, but she's there in my thoughts a lot, and although not in any particularly negative or bitter way, it's definitely not any kind of warmth either.

 

Will attempt to spend the rest of the evening being upbeat, as yesterday was definitely the best I've felt in a long time. I slept bad last night too, felt like hell this morning, so put me on the back foot from the get-go.

 

Hi Benville,

 

You originally said you wanted 24 hours as a mini-goal, right? Well, guess what? You felt better for a day. Interesting, huh? Try expanding that out to the rest of the week, the month of August, or the rest of your life! ;-)

 

Yes it does take a conscious effort, just like it takes a conscious effort to quit smoking or go to the gym regularly or to change, eliminate, or create any habit.

 

Tomorrow morning, make sure you start the day doing whatever it is you do to fill your head with positive thoughts and feelings. And ... well I guess I don't need to tell you what to do before you go to bed tonight!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

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Only three weeks on from one of the lowest emotional points in my life I can now engage in online discussions with my ex the way I used to four years ago when we first met; except that now I'm even more positive and confident than I was then!

 

A word of warning! For those of you undergoing the popular NC or NIC route, I just want to clarify that I don't recommend contacting your ex and discussing the past unless you are SURE you can maintain control over your thoughts and feelings.

 

Remember, you first have to form the new habit of intercepting negativity and displacing it with positivity. You've got to love yourself enough to know that you will be able to shrug off and forgive anything hurtful your ex might say in such a conversation.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

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A word of warning! For those of you undergoing the popular NC or NIC route, I just want to clarify that I don't recommend contacting your ex and discussing the past unless you are SURE you can maintain control over your thoughts and feelings.

 

Remember, you first have to form the new habit of intercepting negativity and displacing it with positivity. You've got to love yourself enough to know that you will be able to shrug off and forgive anything hurtful your ex might say in such a conversation.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

 

you know i think im at that place DD, i think if ex contacted me, i could be cool in a nonchalant friendly way, i wouldnt even wanna bring up our past, would it set me back? well poss. the forgiveness would be if he jus contacted and was doing it for an ego stroke, a reassurance for him checking i was still there, but not to try get communication open for making changes. hes been on my mind all day...take the ups with the downs, its natural, i loved him after all.

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