Years after emotional abuse. . .

I'm finding myself in a bit of a strange place at the moment. I'll try to make a long story short. I got into an abusive relationship when I was very young, only 15. I was with him for 7 years before I finally left, fled really, to start a new life in a different state. He wasn't a batterer, but he was emotionally and sometimes sexually abusive. I don't need to really go into details, but he often abused me by ignoring me, hanging up the phone on me, beating me down by following me from room to room "talking at" me, etc. Because I was so young, this made it pretty hard to try to have successful relationships. I do have some very good ones now, but the aftermath of the abuse (neediness and isolated feelings) still makes it difficult to feel peaceful in them.

One thing that is key to my story is that last year, his soon to be ex-wife contacted me. She and I knew each other when we were teens. We talked and I found out he's treated her the same way, and in some ways much worse. I had suppressed a lot of my memories of my relationship with him, and a lot came back to me--I finally realized that I'd felt so bad for so long because I'd never really realized that the way he treated me WAS abusive. Having that piece of the puzzle really did change my life, though things were rocky for several months as all of it came back. I feel stronger today, and happier, though I'm still dealing with some of those residual feelings. . . sometimes I still believe I deserved it, though logically I know I did not.

Here's the problem I'm dealing with now. His ex is rather needy. For a while now I've been getting a barrage of texts daily about how miserable she is, rants about him, etc. She's in the process of divorce and is having a rough time, so I do feel bad for her, but at the moment it is difficult for me to deal with being reminded of him. It brings back up old feelings of inadequacy and they hurt, they really do. She just wants support and I want to be compassionate and supportive, but it's kind of hard. Sometimes I've just ignored the texts, which I don't like doing because of my past--he ignored me to abuse me, so I feel like if I ignore someone I'm just abusing them too. I'm not sure why I can't seem to put enough distance between myself and the pain to be able to be supportive, but sometimes I feel like she's expecting me to be her on-demand support--the text messages are often phrased in very needy language.

I think it bothers me because I see so much of my own past behavior, behavior that often hurt my good relationships, in her. I see her playing out the same emotional cycles as I did (and occasionally still do). I'm so much more conscious of how those work now, but I still am not quite to the point that I can always shut them down in myself. When I see her texts I see her doing what I did, and it's like seeing myself in a mirror. It's an ugly thing to remember and I wind up beat myself up about my own emotional shortcomings.

So what should I do? I want to be a compassionate, caring friend, especially when I know almost exactly what she's going through. However, I also need to take care of myself. For some reason I am feeling weak, and while occasionally bad feelings related to the emotional abuse do come up (maybe they always will from time to time), I don't need to invite them. I also don't like feeling like I'm being drained. I feel bad about not responding to texts sometimes, but I'm just not sure what else to do. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she doesn't seem to hear me.

Thanks in advance.

You have to keep yourself and your recovery as your main priority. This is especially sticky because she was involved with the same man- not only is her communication sending you emotionally back into the past, but it's forcing you to deal with him specifically.

She's someone that you knew as a teenager, not a close friend. It's not your responsibility to be her emotional support. It says a lot good about you that you want to be, but if forcing yourself to be there for her is harming you emotionally, then I think she needs to seek that emotional support elsewhere- be it through other friends, family, support hotlines, a women's center, or therapy.

I would tell her how you feel and advise her to check options listed above. Remember, you are not really her friend, and certainly not a therapist; therefore, I would cut the contact.

Lastly, I would seek counseling for yourself.

Thanks. She actually has been seeking therapy. . . she had even before she left him. Later she was going to a domestic violence support group. These things are all well and good, but from outward appearances it doesn't seem like it's helping. . . she's still caught in a victim's mentality. Easy to do with this guy. . . I knew him well and he's good at getting under one's skin. But none of that is either here nor there and not my responsibility.

I appreciate the comments. . . I actually hadn't really thought of it that way--that she's not a close friend, just someone I knew long ago. We weren't real close then either. I feel like she's just kind of latched on to me because she feels like I understand what she's been through. I do, but she can't expect me to fix her.

I won't be pursuing counseling myself. I've been there and done that--talk therapy was pretty helpful in the past, but I've moved beyond the point of it being useful. I've seen a couple different therapists for a couple years at a time, and I did work on this stuff, I just never used the word "abuse" until last year, and that has made a HUGE difference. I did not mention that in my last post--it wasn't that I'd completely repressed the memories. I did remember how he treated me, and I had talked with two separate therapists about it. I still find it odd that neither one of them ever used the word "abuse." Putting that word to his behavior did a lot, and my heart is lighter now that I know it wasn't my fault. Ugly feelings sometimes creep back in, but the important thing is not getting wrapped up in them. These days I meditate, surround myself with positive people who uplift my spirit, and try to leave the past where it belongs (in the past). I'm mostly a happy person, and I've worked very hard to get to the point where I don't dwell on the past. I think you are correct though. . . I need to end contact with her. That's the hard part.

It will be difficult to do. It's likely that she won't understand your reasons, or won't care, but you need to think about yourself. She isn't someone that you have an obligation to, and you're being hurt by your association with her. It's also not helping her, from what you've said about her behavior. She needs to find people in her life to be her support system. Having been in a relationship with the same man doesn't make you that support system.

Just an update. . . I'm feeling better. I stopped responding to her texts when they are negative or demanding support. I have responded when she's sounding positive, but found that sometimes that just opens the floodgates to her going back to talking about my/her ex, so I stop responding when she does that. I felt a bit bad about it at first, but I've developed a thicker skin. I'm focusing on the people in my life who love me and are positive forces in my life. It has also helped to take some time for myself when I need it and join a new yoga group and make a couple new, very positive friends.

Thank you.