Should we break up over "cheating" before we were official?

Before my boyfriend and I "officially" became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn't dating any other guys, and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically he was a Player. However as time went on, him and I became very very close, and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls, because he told me "he wasn't pursuing anyone else", and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. "Not pursuing anyone" meant that he wasn't hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. Whats worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend's girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive. It hurts me because I didn't know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friends girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren't "official", its irrelevant. However I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, i would have ended it then and we wouldn't be in this great relationship we have today.

So should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and i feel like I dont want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough, there have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don't really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like i want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

This is a tough one.

It seems that you guys didn't talk about exclusive while you were getting intimate BEFORE dating. It sounds like you just assumed it, right? Unless you guys have agreed to be exclusive, he could have dated other girls if he wanted...as long as he made you aware. Which it doesn't sound like he didn't do.

Two things are going on.

1.) You (wrongfully) assumed that you guys were exclusive before you started dating. Exclusivity shouldn't ever be assumed. Having that "talk" is awkward but it's good to get it done so you guys can both be on the same page. It's a lot harder when you assume and then find out later that you assumed incorrectly.

2) I feel that he was a bit deceitful in not telling that he was seeing others. If you were having unprotected sex at the time, it could have been a danger to you if he was sleeping with others. He should have been upfront with what he was doing so you could act accordingly.

Those are my thoughts. I honestly have no idea what you should do. This is a tough one and my only advice is to think long and hard about this.

Yes I do think it's unfair if you break up with him now.

How is the relationship now? Have you caught him in anymore lies? If the answer is no, then just let it go.

Dating is dating, and words are just words. So base your relationship on how it is going now. Is it going good? Then don't ruin it.

I mean I'd think it's unfair but you gotta do what you gotta do. Personally I feel if a relationship isn't set in stone, i.e. calling someone BF / GF, then it's fine to date other people and hook up while dating. Maybe it gets to a point where you feel wrong for seeing other people cause you feel like you're at a really good / serious spot with the person you think you might ask to be your GF. Problem is people reach these realizations at different times. So while you felt it was exclusive he was obviously in a different mindset at the time... and you can't fault him for that cause you two weren't actually exclusive!

When I was first dating my current GF I was dating other girls too. I'm not a player just was dating. I didn't know the relationship I had now would have come when it did. I haven't told my current GF and I don't really feel the need as we were just dating. Of course, she was free to date whomever she wanted too.

This boils down to a very big difference in values. He feels there is nothing wrong with stringing along a whole bunch of women and sleeping with all of them...rotating sex partners. Since he says you were not exclusive, he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. You, on the other hand, feel deceived and have lost respect for him. I don't blame you. I would not want to be with a guy whose values are like his. It is like a lawyer who argues a case based on what is legally okay when it is morally questionable. He is that lawyer, basing his actions on what is legally okay even though it is morally questionable. He sees nothing morally wrong with what he did. In the end, if the morals and values of two people are on opposite ends of the spectrum, the relationship will not work well.

Should we break up over "cheating" before we were official?

I'm confused with this title. How can you be cheated on before you're in an official relationship? Dating is dating, official is official, correct?

I think that if you are having doubts now, before the relationship proceeds to anything further you should break up. If you feel this is an issue you can get passed then you may want see if you can get over it. However, if this is an issue that is going to fester and cause you to resent him then, the relationship will eventually die.

You assumed that you were in an exclusive relationship when you weren't, but his wording when you talked about it sounds potentially deliberately evasive. If you are in a happy relationship now, then I would focus on that, but it's up to you if you can deal with what you perceive as his infidelity.

You assumed that you were in an exclusive relationship when you weren't, but his wording when you talked about it sounds potentially deliberately evasive. If you are in a happy relationship now, then I would focus on that, but it's up to you if you can deal with what you perceive as his infidelity.

The relationship may be happy now...but the big elephant in the room is his deception and how he used deception and stringing people along in his quest for sexual pleasure. In other words, it was an "all about me and my needs" attitude. So while he wasn't technically cheating on her, he wasn't exactly being open and honest. While the OP should have protected herself by not sleeping with him until a relationship was actually established...that doesn't give him a free pass to encourage the serious attentions of someone while also banging every other woman around him.

OP, have you ever been tested for STDs? If this guy has been around the block many times while seeing you, he could have contracted an STD and it would be a good idea to get yourself tested.

It's up to you. What's more important to you ? What would you regret more 5 years from now? I will tell you this much- Many times during relationships (especially marriages) you will occasionally let one another down, because no one is perfect. You have the choice to either let it go and move on, or feel vindicated by holding onto something. The choice is yours. But I will tell you that people who choose the latter, are rarely happy. And if you go on to search for someone who will "Never let you down", you'll be searching in vain. Everyone will at some point. No one is perfect. My two, if you've have had a great relationship since you've been officially exclusive, whats the problem ? IMHO, I wouldn't throw away something great over a point of pride. Let it go.

Should we break up over "cheating" before we were official?

I would advocate more for staying if you talk to him first about this. Maybe you could explain to him that you felt deceived. Talk about it, come up with ways to avoid future misunderstandings. If he's a stand-up guy, he'll explain himself, apologise for making you feel that way, and work with you so you guys don't have an issue like this in the future.

And remember to never assume! It's always better to clarify, even if it's awkward!

It's up to you. What's more important to you ? What would you regret more 5 years from now? I will tell you this much- Many times during relationships (especially marriages) you will occasionally let one another down, because no one is perfect. You have the choice to either let it go and move on, or feel vindicated by holding onto something. The choice is yours. But I will tell you that people who choose the latter, are rarely happy. And if you go on to search for someone who will "Never let you down", you'll be searching in vain. Everyone will at some point. No one is perfect. My two, if you've have had a great relationship since you've been officially exclusive, whats the problem ? IMHO, I wouldn't throw away something great over a point of pride. Let it go.

Hmm..there are varying degrees of letting someone down. Being one of many you are sticking your penis in without telling that person they are one of many, is a very big "letting someone down". Why didn't he tell her that he was seeing other people and sleeping with other people so at least she could decide at the time whether or not she wanted to be one of his harem. It is the deception that is the real issue here...the lack of conscience about having deceived her. If he is capable of this kind of deception then that is his character...and deceptive behaviour will come out again when he wants to get away with something.

Some people behave differently after commitment than they do before. Not everyone is always negative although there are a few.

"Not pursuing" is not the same as "not sleeping with" and it is not wise to assume that someone isn't sleeping with other people - they are under no obligation to tell you, it is your job to ask if it is a concern.

Some people behave differently after commitment than they do before. Not everyone is always negative although there are a few.

 

"Not pursuing" is not the same as "not sleeping with" and it is not wise to assume that someone isn't sleeping with other people - they are under no obligation to tell you, it is your job to ask if it is a concern.

Yes, asking is one part of it...but just because someone doesn't ask doesn't mean you shouldn't say anything. As my signature quote from Catfeeder. Deception is deception...no commitment doesn't mean deception should be a given. If someone can deceive before commitment then it is in their character to deceive and I wonder how trustworthy they would be after a commitment. If they are used to sexual variety before commitment, once the relationship gets "boring" I would have to wonder if they would want sexual variety again given that was something that they felt they needed.

I think that you should give him a chance. It is so easy to throw away something that may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't end up old and lonely because you were afraid to take a risk.

I think that you should give him a chance. It is so easy to throw away something that may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't end up old and lonely because you were afraid to take a risk.

Or she could take a risk and end up with a guy who needs to have sexual variety and will deceive her and she will waste years of her life when she could have met a guy who would never even think to have multiple women on the go. A person's character doesn't usually change. Big time players who are single often end up as big time players when they get married.

This boils down to a very big difference in values. He feels there is nothing wrong with stringing along a whole bunch of women and sleeping with all of them...rotating sex partners. Since he says you were not exclusive, he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. You, on the other hand, feel deceived and have lost respect for him. I don't blame you. I would not want to be with a guy whose values are like his. It is like a lawyer who argues a case based on what is legally okay when it is morally questionable. He is that lawyer, basing his actions on what is legally okay even though it is morally questionable. He sees nothing morally wrong with what he did. In the end, if the morals and values of two people are on opposite ends of the spectrum, the relationship will not work well.

I agree! Plus, it is really sleazy that he was with the best friend's girlfriend. Doesn't sound like this guy has much character!

Or she could take a risk and end up with a guy who needs to have sexual variety and will deceive her and she will waste years of her life when she could have met a guy who would never even think to have multiple women on the go. A person's character doesn't usually change. Big time players who are single often end up as big time players when they get married.

What really bothers me is that she was playing russian roulette with the possibllity of contracting a STD and she did not even know it at the time. That is what really bothers me!

I'm confused with this title. How can you be cheated on before you're in an official relationship? Dating is dating, official is official, correct?

You assumed that you were in an exclusive relationship when you weren't, but his wording when you talked about it sounds potentially deliberately evasive. If you are in a happy relationship now, then I would focus on that, but it's up to you if you can deal with what you perceive as his infidelity.

I agree with these two. If you didn't have this direct conversation, you know he's been faithful since the relationship started, and you believe he would not cheat on you then I think the best choice is to let it go and look at the long term. But that means you actually have to let it go!

I really think it is not about "cheating"..it is more about the kind of character he has having sex with mutliple women and none of them knowing..and the OP really thinking they were working towards something special for a whole year when he spent that year also banging tons of other women (and probably saying and doing all the right things to make them think a relationship might happen). This is a rather sleazy character...and someone who is that sleazy doesn't suddenly become unsleazy when they decide to make the relationship "official". Over time this guy's sleazy character of banging multiple women, including a friend's gf is going to come out again. I would not trust a guy like this.

I get what you are saying CAD but not everything in life is perfect and people don't always see things the same way. It is so easy to advocate breaking up relationships unless everything is perfect according to some sort of self-imposed code but humans are more complicated than that. There are far too many lonely people to be so dogmatic. You can't possibly know for sure what will happen - many people act completely differently once they have made a comitment and because he doesn't hold to the same behaviours you do doesn't mean you can predict his behaviour for the rest of his life.

I get what you are saying CAD but not everything in life is perfect and people don't always see things the same way. It is so easy to advocate breaking up relationships unless everything is perfect according to some sort of self-imposed code but humans are more complicated than that. There are far too many lonely people to be so dogmatic. You can't possibly know for sure what will happen - many people act completely differently once they have made a comitment and because he doesn't hold to the same behaviours you do doesn't mean you can predict his behaviour for the rest of his life.

The problem is a lot of people are very much alone in their relationships. Take Maria Shriver, for example. Arnold had a reputation of being a ladies' man long before he got married. That did not end once he committed himself to Maria. The rug was completely pulled out from under her as she found out the whole sordid story long after the fact. Sure some people change..and some people don't. If the OP stays with this guy there is a 50-50 chance he will have changed. The thing is, the OP is finding out only now, what went on before...and it is causing her a huge amount of pain..that pain will only get worse if she finds out a few years into marriage that this guy still felt he needed sexual variety. If she didn't know then that he had many women on the go...how can she really know now that he is being faithful to her. I can understand if he feels bad about what he has done...but he doesn't feel badly at all...not even the fact that he had sex with his friend's gf phases him. How can a person trust someone if they have proven themselves to be deceitful for their own personal gain and pleasure.

Lots of people are afraid of being alone and lonely...but being in a relationship with someone who has shown this kind of character can be even lonelier and more miserable than actually being alone...because being with someone like the OP's bf can really damage a person's self-esteem and peace of mind. There are people who accept marrying or staying in a relationship with alcoholics or emotional abusers, or a control freak etc and they work around it. There are all kinds of relationships out there that would be a deal breaker for some people but not for others. No relationship is perfect and yes, some concessions have to be made..however it depends on each individual what they can live with. That is a choice the OP has to make..what can she live with.

I just think that to always advise breaking up because everything isn't perfect is not wise and wonder why people do it.

I just think that to always advise breaking up because everything isn't perfect is not wise and wonder why people do it.

I don't actually always advise breaking up...it depends on the circumstances..there are plenty of people who don't mind being with someone who has deceived them and will look beyond that. Deception of this sort is a dealbreaker for me, but perhaps not for everyone.