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Thread: Need to get out my marriage but scared my husband will hurt me ...

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2011

    Need to get out my marriage but scared my husband will hurt me ...

    I have been married for 4 and 1/2 years, to a guy 15 years older than me. He has got two kids from his previous marriage that lives with us. In the beginning we got a long well, we got married, and his ex-wife dropped his kids at the front gate never to fetch them again. I have tried so so hard with these kids, I give them everything I would give my own, but still they do not respect me - they tell stories about me to my husband, and he believes them, always takes their side - no matter what.

    I have really been trying so hard, my husband use to hit me in the beginning, but that has stopped now.

    I have been trying to save the marriage and always take a step back to see what I am doing wrong and how I can fix things, for the past year - I have not been intimate with my husband, as I don't feel anything towards him anymore - I am so scared of him.

    I want to leave, but do not know how to tell him. I am scared of his reaction and what he will do to me. Financially I am not dependent on him at all.

    His daughter has now come up with a story that she was molested at school and that it is my fault - as I picked her up from school to late - and that I stole her savings money, he leaves her to scream at me and be disrespectful, they do not do their chores, they do not even speak to me.

    This relationship is like poison to my soul at the moment - I am trying to stay positive and not to show that I am unhappy, but it is so hard for me.

    Please help! I do not know what to do, but I am not happy and I don't want to be in this relationship as - he never even asks me how my day was - I must cook, clean and pick up after his kids all the time.

    Last week I have met a guy, a bit younger than me, we are just friends (I don't have any friends - as I am not allowed any friends - not even allowed to see my mom and my sister) and I really enjoy his company, we can talk about a lot of different things, and we share the same interests ... I don't want to cheat on my husband ever! as that will destroy me! But I want to get out this relationship - but I do not know how to ....

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Every time I read stories on here from men and women in very unhappy marriages/relationships...there always seems to be "I met another person". That always seems to be the driving force for wanting to leave the bad relationship. Another guy is not the need to leave this bad relationship in order to be on your own..not simply to jump from one man to the next. Forget about this other man. Find yourself some solid female friends who will actually be a good support system for strings attached. If you use this new man as your support system there will be strings attached...and you are too vulnerable right now to be able to make a sound decision on the quality of a new partner. You need to first get out of this bad relationship and have time to reflect and deal with the separation and divorce and complicated emotions. First step is to talk to a lawyer to find out the best way to get out of this marriage. Also, talk to a woman's organization that helps women who are with abusive partners.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Thank you so much! I have been in this relationship too long, to make the same mistakes again! I would love to be on my own for a while, and just find myself and who I use to be! The last 5 years were the hardest of my life, but I am so scared to leave ... maybe as a step I have to go see someone, and work my way through the process step by step and not jump into it heads on.


  4. #4
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    @ Crazyaboutdogs - my suspicion is that the person tends to place a value on the new person that they are no longer capable of placing on themselves.

    Emma - ring your Mum or sister and ask them to help you. As long as he manages to keep you isolated, you will never manage to break free. You have to start by reaching out and building a support network.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    You know nothing about a man you just met... he could be another abuser like your husband for all you know... this might be what gets you into trouble, that you immediately think one man will replace another when you don't know the least bit about him and he could be really bad news for all you know. You have to judge a person's character over time, and not fantasize that someone will rescue you because you could be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. No other man is the 'answer' to a bad marriage, and in fact you might choose the next man very poorly because you are so desperate for someone to cling to. You should only choose a new partner when you are divorced and fully have your act together rather than grasping at someone who looks like a good deal because you are desperate.

    So forget about this other man... you are still married and not available, and the quickest way to turn an abusive man homicidal is to have him catch you with another man, or dreaming about another man so stay away from him. If this other man really is a good guy, he will understand and leave you alone until you are truly available. You could also risk this other man's life if your husband is truly dangerous because he might attck him or kill him in a jealous rage if he finds out you are talking to someone else.

    You don't need those problems or complicatons now and need to find your way out of this marriage and get some counseling to address the abuse before you even consider taking up with another man.

    If you are truly afraid of your husband, then don't let him know what you are doing in terms of leaving him. Call a women's shelter or domestic abuse hotline and tell them you need help setting up a safety plan for the safest way to leave your husband. They are experienced at getting people safely away from abusive situations, and you can also find a lawyer to start working on the divorce. The good news is if you are not financially dependent on him, you have a lot more resources than many wives of abusive men have, so you can support yourself and start a new life.

    The plan usually involves not telling your husband you are leaving until you are already gone and set up in a safe place where he doesn't have easy access to you. So don't talk about leaving with your husband, but do call a domestic abuse hotline and get connected to resources that will help set up a plan to get you away from him.

  6. #6
    Member henryfirst's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    If yo are scared, talk to him about it. If you are still scared, get a restraining order.


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