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Grandparents that disregard the wishes of parents


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Once again it seems I am in a battle against my in-laws regarding my son. In his past visit, we allowed him to stay for two days which she agreed to and then she tried to circumvent the plan we had made when we got there, to yet again have her way. My husband told her basically she had to stick to the agreement and we did not plan by bring more clothes and such for him to stay another 3 days in town. It is also not like she would wash the existing clothes either so that idea is out. So my husband told her no.

 

While he was at the visit with them she shut me down on talking to him on two occasions when I had simple questions. I wanted to ask him when they were leaving for a trip to another city and she told him to say good night to me and did not answer me.

 

In the morning I called him and asked he have his cell phone on him so I could be sure he was ok because there was an extreme heat warning. She took his phone from him turned it off and put it in her purse. That phone is for HIS security, it is also HIS personal property.

 

She is really making me mad with her trying to circumvent my rights as a parent to be sure my son is ok. How can I tell her in a very strong way she won't mistake that she needs to back off and she is not within her rights to do what she did. She does not get around the bush nice ways of saying something because I have tried to 23 years to do that. I am at the end of my tether with them. I do not want to cause a fight with my husband though, but I want to tell her in no uncertain terms that she does not decide the rules for our child.

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I completely understand your anger....

 

Ask yourself this... is she at least capable of making sure your son is safe and fed? Of course, he may not be the happiest the camper but he isn't being neglected (in the sense of the law)? I have the very same conflicts with my son's dad... and when it gets me angry (and at some point in the year it usually does) I have to remind myself that even if my son is unhappy and miserable he is safe and fed and out of harms way.

 

So he only has two days with them right? And, if I remember he won't be visiting for another year correct? If he is safe and fed I would just cuss under my breath... vent to every nearby person the nerve of this woman but rather than make an issue with someone who would not even remotely get the point I'd let it go... I'd count the hours till my son was home and everyone could move on from this.

 

HUGS!

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I don't know what to do DN. I really don't. They pull this every time no matter what I say or do. I talked to my husband and he said I was perfectly right to be angry about it and his mother was wrong. We are his parents and she is not.

 

I am not sure what to do that will diplomatic but that she will get through her thick head.

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Thanks Cats,

 

Yeah, I did not say anything yet to her first because I wanted to think about it. He saw them every 2 weeks with us when we were at home and he sees them about every 2 months now with us because we have moved about 3 to 4 hours away. He sees them once a year by himself though, you are right.

 

Yeah, I moaned to my mom about it.

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Well, you have a right to be angry but is that helping? Anger is a secondary emotion and you need to figure out what it is that is making you angry and whether everything she is doing is so wrong.

 

You want to be in touch via cell phone at all times when he is with them. Why? Are they incapable of looking after him? Don't you see how insulting that is to them? They should respect your wishes but you have to make sure that your wishes are reasonable and that it is not just "I am his mother and that makes me right regardless" attitude because they aren't going to be convinced by that- they have been parents themselves after all. That is what I mean by starting a war.

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I am angry because I found their parenting to be questionable at best, also because she endangered my son's life in the heat when he was 19 months old and he almost ended up hospitalized. I was away on an army course and my mother had him for 6 weeks. My mom thought it would be great that he saw them for a day. My mother in law took my then 19 month old son for a walk outside at 37C and then did not give him a drink after because " he did not ask for one" was her defense. He had got heat exhaustion and when my mom got him back she had to take him to the hospital so no I do not trust her. My husband also lost 2 pounds in his first month of life because she did not feed him enough till the dr told her. She was no young mother either, she was like 37 when she had my husband. So no I do not trust her.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to call to say good night and ask when they are leaving for somewhere in the morning or to call once to make sure he is ok in 117 weather after what she did to him as a baby.

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Thanks Cats,

 

Yeah, I did not say anything yet to her first because I wanted to think about it. He saw them every 2 weeks with us when we were at home and he sees them about every 2 months now with us because we have moved about 3 to 4 hours away. He sees them once a year by himself though, you are right.

 

Yeah, I moaned to my mom about it.

 

I've come to realize that a big part of my issue is accepting my lack of control. I think because we are mothers of single child households who have special needs we are always about creating the best environment for our kids to function in... and because they are our only child we have all our time to devote to it. I know I do way more for my son than perhaps I should... but it's easier for me and well since I don't have other kids to look after... I have to remind myself a lot that I am not always in control - and that's okay. I've worked hard at helping my son get as many skills to help cope when he is at his dad's longer than he would like and it always makes me sad to hear how homesick he is but if I don't help him tough it out I haven't really helped him. I have to accept that there may be a day I'm not here for him any longer. He needs to be able to adapt even though its a much harder process due to autism than for other kids.

 

2 days isn't that long... just remind yourself it could have been a week or half the summer!

 

HUGS!

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OK, well if you are determined to be right then there is little anyone can say that will help ease this situation but I do think it will escalate into something that will help no one, especially your son.

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OK, well if you are determined to be right then there is little anyone can say that will help ease this situation but I do think it will escalate into something that will help no one, especially your son.

 

No, I am not determined to be right. I just want her to understand she is not his mother, that is all. They have never had any respect for the fact I am his mother. She has even been told by her own daughter that she is treading in water that is not her business.

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I know this is really aggravating for you and she is certainly behaving in a high handed way. But your son isn't a baby anymore... is he 13 or 14? I think that he can certainly ask for help or anything else at this age, and he can also ask for his phone back if he needs or wants to talk to you.

 

So yes, she is being overbearing and that isn't right, but i don't think your son is in any danger from not having his phone on his person every second.

 

This sounds like a deeper conflict where she perhaps thinks you are an overprotective mother, and she has a more liberal view or parenting or thinks your son needs a little breathing space of his own. This is an age old problem with in-laws and parenting, where there are different attitudes towards what is good and right for a child at various ages. What one person sees as proper concern, another person may see as smothering.

 

Since your son rarely sees them alone, and only for a couple days and he is a teenager now who can take care of himself when necessary, i would just let this go rather than creating bad blood over this. He's only with them for a couple days once a year, so that will be a total of only 8 days until he is 18! So i don't think they will have any big negative influence on him, and it isn't worth the bad blood it could create between everyone to make a big deal of this. You can control this by just never letting him stay more than a couple days in a row, and that is a compromise for everyone.

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I would be furious to Vic. I don't even know how I could act in that situation but I would be furious if I couldn't get a hold of my child becaus their grandparent took their cell phone for no reason.

 

I was willing to let the other stuff go till I heard that. My son did not even tell me, her own daughter told me because she went with them for the day. It just really infuriates me that she feels can commandeer other people's belongings.

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She is actually far far more controlling than I could ever dream of being. She was telling her 21 year old son his car was only for work and school and he bought the car and it was his own insurance. She was a smother mother if there ever was one. No, believe me, she still treats her own son like he is 12 and he is 42. Her view of parenting is anything but liberal. She is just being a pain, because she ALWAYS believes she is right.

 

The other thing is my son would not ask for his phone back and if he did she would just tell him no. He has learned to not question his father's parents because his grandfather just tells him " pack it up mate and shut up or go home."

 

I am far more liberal than they are. As far as looking after himself, yes he can when he is in his comfort zone. With his autism you put him outside his comfort zone and he tends to panic. His phone is for if he is some place and has to call us or the police or for something like that. If he had got parted from them in a city of 2 million people in 117 heat I would hate to think he was running about the city alone looking for a policeman when he could have made a simple phone call.

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I am shocked that this woman took his phone away. I would have no more to do with her. No excuse for that at all, Victoria. I'm surprised you have held yourself together. You're doing GREAT if you have. I know your son has some special needs, and there is no way to explain to other people how you worry about him. And there is NO need for you to have to.

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That must be very infuriating. From what I see, it's not so much the act of taking the cellphone away rather than the repetitive and constant control which she desires. I have an aunt who has a similar attitude. She sees no problem with putting kids at 11pm because they are having such a fine time! At least I will give it to her that she was never a parent.

 

How does your son feel through all of this is really what I'm most curious with. At this age, he can probably express how he feels towards her as a person?

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This is a hard one. I completely understand your anger in this. Not matter how well your MIL looks after your son there is ALWAYS a chance that they could separated at a park, mall, etc. Your child having a cell phone for such emergencies is a wise choice.

 

The fact is, your request was very reasonable and she was disrespectful. Has your husband talked to his mother? I think he is the one who needs to put his foot down here.

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I think what you should genuinely focus on is the fact that the odds of him genuinely coming to harm in a couple days with his grandparents are really really small at his age. He is not helpless.

 

And if she is the type to be very controlling, the more you struggle with her for control, the more extreme her controlling behavior will become.

 

If you genuinely feel your son is endangered for a couple days without a phone when he is with his grandparents, then just don't let him visit with them alone again. That is very easy for you to control. Tell them they are welcome to come see him and for visits at your home or for visits that you go with him, but don't leave him alone with them again if such visits are going to be anxiety ridden for everyone and put your son in the position where he feels like he must referee between his parents and grandparents because they are fighting over him and his phone.

 

Kids are such that he might hear that argument and think it means you don't have confidence in him as a person that he can take care of himself should the situation arise, and that is not a good thing. So i'd just let this go and not make a big deal about it, but if you genuinely think he might come to harm in his grandparent's care, then don't leave them alone together.

 

But honestly, kids have survived with their grandparents for millions of years before the advent of cell phones attached to their hips, so please don't cause yourself too much anxiety about this. We all grew up without them and are fine, and I think your son will be fine for a couple of days at his grandparents without his.

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I don't consider a 13-14 year old boy to be on the same maturity level as an older teenager and certainly if he has special needs -and the adult in charge isn't sensitive enough to those needs, I too would be far stricter about the environment he needs to be in. I don't think it's about technology -if this is something he is used to having on him at home, knowing he can get in touch for whatever, then having it taken away against his will by a grandparent is unnecessarily stressful.

 

I didn't read through the whole thread but the other issue here is that your husband's wishes should count as much as yours so if he is comfortable with his son not having the cell phone, or comfortable with how he is cared for by the grandparents, his wishes have to be on equal par with yours. I realize you are the full time parent- or more of the full time parent -but in situations like this where it involves his parents, on a practical level is it worth the battle to assert your requirements over his - not sure you have much leverage to do that unfortunately.

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I am shocked that this woman took his phone away. I would have no more to do with her. No excuse for that at all, Victoria. I'm surprised you have held yourself together. You're doing GREAT if you have. I know your son has some special needs, and there is no way to explain to other people how you worry about him. And there is NO need for you to have to.

 

Yeah, I did not want to have a huge battle about it right then because we were taking them out for their anniversary dinner, but I am still not impressed.

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That must be very infuriating. From what I see, it's not so much the act of taking the cellphone away rather than the repetitive and constant control which she desires. I have an aunt who has a similar attitude. She sees no problem with putting kids at 11pm because they are having such a fine time! At least I will give it to her that she was never a parent.

 

How does your son feel through all of this is really what I'm most curious with. At this age, he can probably express how he feels towards her as a person?

 

He never says anything against them, however he whispered to me once a few years ago, " I love my Nana the best." ( meaning my mother) They make him nervous and he does not trust them even though he won't say it. He is never disloyal to people who are family. I can tell in actions though.

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This is a hard one. I completely understand your anger in this. Not matter how well your MIL looks after your son there is ALWAYS a chance that they could separated at a park, mall, etc. Your child having a cell phone for such emergencies is a wise choice.

 

The fact is, your request was very reasonable and she was disrespectful. Has your husband talked to his mother? I think he is the one who needs to put his foot down here.

 

He has not talked to her yet because we were taking them out for their anniversary dinner on Friday right before we came home. My husband almost never never speaks up to his parents because he is terrified of his father and has spent the last 14 years on and off in therapy because of that fear and anxiety they produced in him. You are right though she is very often disrespectful to how I want my son raised or looked after. She acts like I am doing it for no reason. They do not accept he is special needs whatsoever and just won't adhere to the rules that are there to protect him.

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Yes, we all did survive without cell phones. Can he really come to severe harm? I do not know. He does tend to wander when he is out. Going off to see things he wants to see. I am also anxious because they have in the past made mistakes that caused him injury such as the time when he was 19 months old. She took him for walk in 37C degree weather for over an hour with him walking too and then did not give him a drink when he returned. Her excuse was "he did not ask for one." I had told her many many many times, "look he does not talk, he won't tell you he needs a drink. He also won't tell you because he is not used to you, you just have to hand it to him and he will drink it." She totally disregarded that and when my mother got him back he was semi conscious and had stopped peeing. And my husband's mother was so dim she thought he was napping. So NO I do not trust that woman.

 

I allowed her and my sister-in-law to take him to Montreal when he was 8 and he came home with a black eye and hives. She had him up at 1 am and ordered him ice cream and such at 1 AM! I had told her I wanted him to sleep at 8 PM because his pediatrician wanted him to bed early and has him medicated to do so because he was wearing his body out and his heart out with always being up. (my son was SEVERELY hyper and never slept and also slept walked) I gave her the dr"s orders and she ignored it. So he was sleep walking and walked into something and got a black eye. He was also so stressed he was covered in hives.

 

If she won't even listen to dr's orders how can I trust her?

 

 

He is also not trusting of strangers. He won't talk to people he does not know. So he would not ask for help. I have told him NEVER to go with someone who is not a policeman or fireman or someone in an official capacity so he would not even seek help from anyone.

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Honestly, I wouldn't let your son be alone with your in-laws anymore.

 

Your other option (since your husband seems unable to do this) is to call up your MIL and very calmly discusses this with her. Something like, "I understand from (son's name) that he did not have his cell phone on him while he was with you and wanted to ask you about that." Then when she give her answer you can say something like, "I understand your perspective on this. I just feel a lot more comfortable when he is away from us that he always have a cell phone." You can point out getting lost in a crowed as an example of when your son would need to call someone. Or if she or her husband had some sort of medical emergency it would be must faster for your son to pull out his cell phone then running to a land-line phone to call for help.

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