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Snooping is completely warranted.


BluePanda

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For a while I've had the gut feeling that my partner is cheating, or at least has at one point or another. I think most people would agree that cheating is a deal breaker for serious, long term relationships - myself being one of them.

 

A horrible thought has occurred to me lately. I've spent two years with someone who might possibly have rendered all of that time meaningless. When it feels like all that time, love and devotion might turn into a lie it makes me want to puke. X person who has cheated played you for a fool and wasted X amount of your time, worst case scenario YEARS of your time that you will never get back.

 

Therefore I feel encouraged to take matters into my own hands from now on, I will feel zero guilt for checking up on a partner. Even with trust present, cheaters prove time and time again they can get away with this horrible act with a straight face, sometimes even smiling.

 

How these people live with themselves, I don't know.

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Beyond your suspicions, do you have solid proof? If you do not have it, and you snoop on your partner and are suspicious of them at all times, that alone could destroy your relationship on a magnitude similar to infidelity.

 

I do not abide by cheating in a relationship myself, but I am of the belief that snooping will do no good, whether you uncover something or not.

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I do not have proof, though soon I will be looking for it. I believe the worst part of the issue is having that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, knowing the person who claims to love you may be doing god knows what else behind your back. If you're looking for someone special or a LTR these people are wasting your precious time, and you should definitely take control of the matter.

 

Intuition (or gut), I feel, is also much more reliable when it comes to relationships and someone you are very closely connected with.

 

Are they spending less time with you? Are they suddenly showing you less affection? Is there a sudden lack of sex? Do they seem more distant when with you? Hard to describe, but a person's patterns towards you may change when another person is present.

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No need to snoop, but you don't have to live with the suspicions either. If you are feeling uncomfortable, then communicate. If communication doesn't work, then break up. That's it.

 

Don't snoop trust me. Even when you are 90% sure they're cheating, don't snoop. When you find the proof that they're cheating, your heart will break 10x harder. It's better to just break it off if you're that desperate to snoop.

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Are they spending less time with you? Are they suddenly showing you less affection? Is there a sudden lack of sex? Do they seem more distant when with you? Hard to describe, but a person's patterns towards you may change when another person is present.

 

All of those things also occur naturally because people go through rough or depressive patches from time to time. I don't know about you, but some days I just feel down and have very little desire to chit chat or joke around with others.

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I agree that snooping isn't the answer.

 

You are supposed to feel loved and secure in a relationship. If you have these suspicions, you are not feeling secure. Whether those insecurities are justified or not is irrelevant, the relationship is still broken.

 

When you snoop, you will either find something or you won't. If you do find something, you will be devastated and not only will your current relationship be destroyed, but often you will become jaded. If you don't find something right away, that's actually worse. What will you do then? Continue to snoop and obsess? A lack of proof doesn't mean that it's not happening...

 

If you are feeling insecure enough in the relationship that you feel you need to snoop, you should really just leave. Snooping is crazy-making behavior. I don't know why you'd do that to yourself...

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A horrible thought has occurred to me lately. I've spent two years with someone who might possibly have rendered all of that time meaningless. When it feels like all that time, love and devotion might turn into a lie it makes me want to puke. X person who has cheated played you for a fool and wasted X amount of your time, worst case scenario YEARS of your time that you will never get back.

 

 

 

I just want to encourage you not to feel this way.......

 

One thing I have learned over the years is that any bad experience or bad relationship should not be thought of as a waste of time. Everything you go through in life....good or bad....contributes to your personal growth.

 

If I hadn't gone through my own, really bad, relationship, it's possible that I would not have appreciated the man I eventually married. I certainly do not take him for granted, especially after all I'd been through.

 

As for snooping......it tends to breed an atmosphere of distrust so that even innocent actions can seem suspicious.......if there is any cheating, you'll find out about it soon enough, without the emotional trauma you will go through with snooping.

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Sorry, snooping is still never right. And this is coming from someone who has was cheated on and snooped on that person like crazy. Becuase the fact is if you snoop on someone, you don't trust them. And if you don't trust them you need to ask yourself why you are still with them. Then you need to ask yourself is it really them that is making me paranoid or is it the PEOPLE I chose to date?

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If you can't trust your partner your relationship is doomed whether you find something or not. If you really feel this way it's time to leave.

 

Yup. You can't be with someone you don't trust. If you have trust issues, acting paranoid won't help matters any. OP, if you started a new relationship with someone, would you want them to assume you're a cheater ? What if you had a bad day and were slightly less affectionate ? Would you then want them to go around acting like your parole officer - reading your emails, texts, checking your phone log, following you ? How would that make you feel ? You have to remember - Every person and every relationship is different. Just because one person cheated on you, doesn't mean that every person you date will. If you feel this way about every person, you may never have a healthy relationship. When we are paranoid or sensitive to certain behaviors, we can often read "signs" that aren't really there as a means to justify our sensitivity or paranoia. Nobody is perfect and everyone has bad days, this doesn't mean they are cheating. Conversely, true "serial cheaters" are often very good at covering their tracks. Finding nothing doesn't mean someone isn't cheating. It just means they are good at being careful. Often times when a person is cheating, they show their partner MORE affection to cover it up.

 

The truth is that NO ONE can ever be 100% postive that their partner isn't cheating on them. Merely because you can't put someone on 24 hour surveillance. You just trust that they aren't. Just like you would want them trust you when you aren't by their side.

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I think most people would agree that cheating is a deal breaker for serious, long term relationships - myself being one of them.

 

Yes, that's reasonable.

 

A horrible thought has occurred to me lately. I've spent two years with someone who might possibly have rendered all of that time meaningless.

 

Even if your suspicions are correct and the relationship ends, it wasn't meaningless. There were good times in there that made it worth it.

 

YEARS of your time that you will never get back.

 

You learned from it, you had good times, most people have several relationships in their lives before they settle down with one person to live out their lives, if that even ever happens. It doesn't make all those other relationships a waste of time.

 

I will feel zero guilt for checking up on a partner.

 

If you have good reason to suspect your partner is cheating then you are justified in checking up on them, it's the proper course of action rather than burying your head in the sand and denying the obvious until you get blindsided, like so many do.

 

How these people live with themselves, I don't know.

 

Never underestimate the powers of human denial and rationalization.

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I've spent two years with someone who might possibly have rendered all of that time meaningless.

How does "might possibly" translate into "completely warranted"? That's one of the worst things about snooping -- it's unilateral; snoopers decide for themselves what's jusitified and they're accountable to no one.

 

If you do not have [proof], and you snoop on your partner and are suspicious of them at all times, that alone could destroy your relationship on a magnitude similar to infidelity.

Exactly. That's the irony of snoopers -- they're always peaching "trust." If she actually had "proof" (or even firmly grounded suspicions), she wouldn't need to snoop. She should be packing her bags already.

 

I never really know what to make of snoopers' claims, because I haven't lived their lives. But I've known some snoopers, and I know for a fact those people were "serial snoopers." They go through people's stuff (and always rationalize their motives) simply because they have no respect for anyone's privacy ('cept their own, of course).

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The only snooping partner I ever had turned out to be the cheater. I don't necessarily believe that the one who accuses the most is guilty of the most, however I believe that unwarranted distrust is a sign of something bigger going on within your head. Also, try to realize that if you are looking for it, you will undoubtedly find something to upset you and cause you to distrust more. Its a downward spiral one way or the other.

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Also, try to realize that if you are looking for it, you will undoubtedly find something to upset you and cause you to distrust more.

 

I don't think that's true. If they're not cheating on you, and they're being honest with you, and they've got no "skeletons in the closet" so to speak, then there is nothing to find. Other than, perhaps the usual grumblings and complaints about their partner that they might not necessarily have shared, and even that's not going to be all that bad, and might even be something positive for the snooper to hear about.

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I don't think that's true. If they're not cheating on you, and they're being honest with you, and they've got no "skeletons in the closet" so to speak, then there is nothing to find. Other than, perhaps the usual grumblings and complaints about their partner that they might not necessarily have shared, and even that's not going to be all that bad, and might even be something positive for the snooper to hear about.

 

If your looking for trouble, even something that isn't trouble is going to look like trouble to you, the paranoid person who thinks there is trouble.

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If your looking for trouble, even something that isn't trouble is going to look like trouble to you, the paranoid person who thinks there is trouble.

 

Well that's a completely different situation.

 

Some people snoop, not because they're paranoid, but because they have been given good reason to be suspicious. Others are hung up on trust issues due to past experiences and they go looking even though their partner has given them nothing to be suspicious of. Sure they could find an innocent exchange and easily build it into something it's not, but those problems were already there long before they went looking.

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You cannot prove a negative.

 

Exactly.

 

OP- aside from the fact that you are using your own paranoia (or as you call it, intuition) as the reason to justify violating your partners privacy, I have to ask.

 

What if you don't find anything? What if you get the password and there are no e-mails/texts? What next?

 

You have already convinced yourself there's something to find...so when you find nothing, your paranoia will increase and you will continue to dig deeper and deeper, until you are obsessed and see things that simply aren't there...

 

Are you going to install a keylogger? a nannycam? Spend hours online trying to figure out the cell numbers on the bill, or search for hidden dating profiles? Are you going to inspect undergarments and count condoms? Hire an investigator to tail? At what point, will you be ready to give up proving to yourself that your partner has figured out what you already *know*...that you don't deserve them?

 

Because that's most likely what this is about. Insecurity. Your intuition is nothing more than fear rationalized as instict.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that if you choose to go down this rabbit hole, the insanity and grief you will experience will be entirely your own doing.

 

Don't go there. Talk to your partner, and examine yourself...is it really your partner you mistrust, or your own judgement?

 

And if you mistrust your partner that much, your energies would be much better directed towards rebuilding your life without them. Snooping won't make someone faithful, but it will destroy your integrity and the trust within your relationship.

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Well that's a completely different situation.

 

Some people snoop, not because they're paranoid, but because they have been given good reason to be suspicious. Others are hung up on trust issues due to past experiences and they go looking even though their partner has given them nothing to be suspicious of. Sure they could find an innocent exchange and easily build it into something it's not, but those problems were already there long before they went looking.

 

Exactly. The point is - no matter in what context you snoop in if you are snooping, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship with the person!

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Are you going to install a keylogger? a nannycam? Spend hours online trying to figure out the cell numbers on the bill, or search for hidden dating profiles? Are you going to inspect undergarments and count condoms? Hire an investigator to tail?

Dude ... you've given this some serious thought.

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When people snoop when there's no real reason, I think that's very sad. However, when someone in a serious relationship has reason to believe their spouse might be cheating and they decide to try and find proof, well personally I completely understand. It's not ideal to be doing that but I understand a person needing to know so they can then make the decision to leave the relationship, or confront their spouse and work on the relationship. It always breaks my heart when I hear about people who have been cheated on for years and looking back they had a hunch something was wrong but chose to trust their partner. They almost always say they wish they'd known so they hadn't wasted their tiime on something that was ultimately a lie. The not knowing can destroy a person and yes even though invading someones privacy is a betrayal, so is cheating! And it's a far worse one! Sometimes doing something that would ordinarily be wrong can in a certain situation be right. It's just not as black or white as it's always right or it's always wrong.

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Dude ... you've given this some serious thought.

 

I've BEEN down that rabbithole, this is why I know. I did some things that embarrass me, and contemplated others that would mortify me if anyone had known. And it was all for nothing, and all about my own insecurities.

 

And I almost ruined an amazing marriage over it.

 

I know whereof I speak in this instance....

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