Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

She wanted me to come over tonight and I didn't really feel like it. Then she told me she's sitting at her neighbor's place and Aaron isn't home. So I decided not to go anywhere. I have laundry to do and my pets miss me.

Second shift is getting more and more tempting every day... 4am is getting harder and harder. Sleep deprivation can slowly kill a person.

B wants to buy me a camera so I can finish my documentary... I wonder what he expects in return... I don't even want to think about it.

Great... call me into a meeting that takes up my whole lunch break... then get mad at me for for taking my whole break... what the hell? I only get a twenty minute lunch. I'm taking the whole thing.

Great... call me into a meeting that takes up my whole lunch break... then get mad at me for for taking my whole break... what the hell? I only get a twenty minute lunch. I'm taking the whole thing.

^ No idea what was going on with the Ms and Ns in that post... I posted it from my phone so who knows. Sometimes I think my Android really is an Android... in the sense that it came equipped with artificial intelligence.

 

A few weeks ago I managed to take a picture of the ceiling in my apartment, and text it to one of my friends at like two in the morning... I was asleep, so how the phone did that on its own is a mystery to me.

The auto correct on my Droid hates me.

How is it possible that you keep me awake at night when you aren't even in the same house? I haven't figured it out yet. I just hope all these *almost* sleepless nights are worth it.

I wonder if I ever keep you awake?

My wife has to deal with that scenario all the time. It's really unfair.

Yea... I bust my ass. I at least deserve to sit down for 20 minutes and maybe eat something.

The auto correct on my Droid hates me.

I try not to rely too much on mine. Lately I've caught myself typing on my laptop and not using contractions and stuff because I've gotten so used to my phone correcting them.

How funny that B got busted out in the open on Facebook. I kept my mouth shut but laughed heartily when I saw that one.

So... tell me this isn't a good one.

First I have to back track and tell another story before I go into this one.

When I was working at one of my factory jobs back in 2006 there was a girl working there for a few weeks that I hadn't even said three words to the whole time she worked there. One day when I was about to clock out, she heard someone call me by my name, and she got really excited and ran up to me. My name is unusual, it's not a name you hear often. She was like "Ohmigod, your name's ********!?" I nodded... I was half afraid to answer her. I couldn't tell if she was excited for a good reason or a bad reason. Then she was like "Your last name wouldn't be ****** would it?" I told her, yes, that is my last name.

She was elated. She was like "Ohmigod!!! I have one of your sketchbooks! I found it down at BAB one night when I was down there wandering around with some of my friends."

BAB is a wooded area in my town where people go and do all kinds of things. But it's called BAB because supposedly a lot of people go skinny dipping there. The letters stand for bare ass beach.

I was wondering how the hell one of my sketchbooks ended up there. I used to wander around back in there with Mica and take pics. But I never took a sketchbook with me. She explained to me that she found it in a black and purple backpack with a few notebooks and a bunch of pens and paint brushes. Then I knew right away how it got there. I had that backpack when I lived with my ex. I'm guessing I must have left it there and for whatever reason he decided to toss it out in BAB.

So, she went on to tell me how awesome my artwork and my poetry is. She said her friend still has the book and he kept it for all these years because he liked the drawings in it.

I was flattered. I honestly didn't even care that some stranger had my sketchbook. I didn't even ask for it back. I did notice the inconsistency though... at first she said she had it, then she said her friend had it. Oh well though...

But, a few days later she brought it to work with her and gave it back to me. She quit working there a few days after that and I never saw her again. I was kinda disappointed because I thought her and I might be friends if we worked together long enough. You know sometimes you get that vibe from someone...

So now... fast forward to last night. Sitting around the fire someone mentioned BAB. I told everyone that I was down there once with Mica and there was a TV sitting in the middle of the woods with a chair in front of it. It was creepy in a way. Like some crazy person was sitting out there thinking they actually were watching TV.

Then, Aaron starts talking about the time he was down there with a bunch of people in the middle of the night and he found this black and purple backpack with a sketchbook in it... Wow, really? I let him tell the whole story because I wanted to hear it from another perspective. Then I told him that was my book.

I love it when stuff like that happens... It was already a big enough coincidence that my lost sketchbook found it's way home to me. But now it's an even bigger coincidence that it was found by someone I came to know later on down the line.

And he told me he gave the backpack away to someone and he kept the book because the artwork was so cool. And what's even funnier yet... The night I met him nine years ago, he had it and he almost took it out and showed it to me, but ended up not because we got talking about something else.

I don't remember what all was in that particular sketchbook... I just went looking for it and couldn't find it. I know its here in my apartment but I just don't know where. When I find it I should take it over there so he can see it again.

The universe is a funny place.

That is some crazy coincidencing! Too bad she disappeared, she seemed like a nice person. The chair and TV in the middle of nowhere sounds like an awesome image. One of my ongoing photo projects is of dumped out furniture and other artifacts from people's homes. They end up in weird places sometimes.

That is some crazy coincidencing! Too bad she disappeared, she seemed like a nice person. The chair and TV in the middle of nowhere sounds like an awesome image. One of my ongoing photo projects is of dumped out furniture and other artifacts from people's homes. They end up in weird places sometimes.

I have pics somewhere of the chair and TV. It was one of those console TVs from the 80s and the screen was all busted out. The chair was just a lawn chair. We found a conch sitting out there one time too with a tin foil pot pipe laying next to it. Got pics of that too...

One time there was a big rib cage laying out there... It had to be either a deer or a cow. But it was just the rib cage and there was still flesh and blood on it. That was creepy... Like what the hell did that to such a large animal, and why was just the rib cage laying there? Where was the rest of it? Mica and I decided it must have been Aliens, lol. I have pics of it somewhere too... I didn't want to get too close to it though, because of all the bugs. So the pics are further away that I would have liked.

I would like to see some of your pics of discarded artifacts. I bet that is interesting stuff.

Yes, it is too bad that girl disappeared. Maybe I'll get back in touch with her again. That seems to happen to me a lot. I meet someone, click with them, then they go away. Then, years later, I always run into them again.

That's actually how it is with Aaron and I. I met him nine years ago at a party... Spent the night at his house, slept in his bed even. (Nothing happened, he slept on the couch.) I was stranded there and didn't have a way home. Him and I spent the whole night talking at this party... we got going on music and ended up talking about all kinds of stuff. He has a lot of the same issues with his eyes that I do, so it was interesting meeting someone else with those same problems. Then I sleep at his house, he gives me a ride home the next morning, and I don't see him for 7 years.

That has happened with a few other people in my life also... My friend Rhea and my friend Shannon. Both circumstances are very similar...

The universe is a funny place.

I know, isn't it though?

I see all these parallels between things that most people don't even pick up on or appreciate. Maybe it's because my life is a permanent acid trip, in a sense.

I love when people make plans with me and then just leave me hanging.

Jeez...

She texts me earlier telling me the flea comb she has for her dog doesn't work and she needs to buy a smaller one but can't afford it. Then she tells me she wants chicken nuggets but doesn't want to walk all the way to McDs. Then she texts a little bit ago and asks me if I have any hamburger patties. What the hell does she think I am? Her personal ATM!?

And she yelled at Aaron last night for offering to go halves with me on a 12 pack. I guess what he should have done was just outright ask me to buy it for him. That's what she does when she wants something from me.

Have you ever felt

The future is the past

But you don't know how...?

A reflected dream

Of a captured time

Is it really now, is it really happening?

Don't know why I feel this way

Have I dreamt this time, this place?

Something vivid comes again into my mind

And I think I've seen your face

Seen this room, been in this place

Something vivid comes again into my mind

All my hopes and expectation

Looking for an explanation

Have I found my destination?

I just can't take no more

The dream is true, the dream is true

The dream is true, the dream is true

Think I've heard your voice before

Think I've said these words before

Something makes me feel I just might lose my mind

Am I still inside my dream? Is this a new reality?

Something makes me feel that I have lost my mind

All my hopes and expectation

Looking for an explanation

Coming to the realization

That I can't see for sure

I only dream in black and white

I only dream 'cause I'm alive

I only dream in black and white

To save me from myself

I only dream in black and white

I only dream 'cause I'm alive

I only dream in black and white

To save me from myself

The dream is true, the dream is true

The dream is true, the dream is true

I get up put on the light, dreading the oncoming night

Scared to fall asleep and dream the dream again

Nothing that I contemplate, nothing that I can compare

To letting loose the demons deep inside my head

Dread to think what might be stirring

That my dream is reoccurring

Got to keep away from drifting

Saving me from myself

I only dream in black and white

I only dream 'cause I'm alive

I only dream in black and white

To save me from myself

I only dream in black and white

I only dream 'cause I'm alive

I only dream in black and white

To save me from myself

Lost – In a dream of mirrors

Lost – In a paradox

Lost – And time is spinning

Lost – A nightmare I retrace

Lost – A hell that I revisit

Lost – Another time and place

Lost – A parallel existence

Lost – A nightmare I retrace

~Iron Maiden

I went to bed early last night and actually got a full night of sleep. It's hotter then hell in my apartment... It's pretty bad that I wake up and my hair is wet from sweating. No air conditioning and I live upstairs.

I wonder what most psychologists would think about me dreaming about my own death. It's something I dream about a lot... These aren't nightmares though. My death dreams are always vivid and strangely pleasant. When I was going through my nervous breakdown all those years ago I dreamt a lot about people close to me dying. Those dreams were more like nightmares. In fact, whenever I had the lucidity to do so, I always put myself in their place.

I dreamt that Adam was killed in a car accident... But I realized it was a dream when I was having it. So I told myself it was me who was dead... I looked at the name on the coroner's report and it was my name. I looked at the wreckage and saw my own body all mangled up and bloody. Instead of standing off to the side crying like I had been, my spirit was standing there watching him cry.

Out of the two of us I know it will be me who goes first. I've known from really early on in life that I will die young. When I was a teenager I never saw myself living much past my early 30s. Now my early 30s are here and I still have the feeling that my time is short. But I'm not even the slightest bit afraid. I look forward to it, oddly enough.

And I don't grieve that hard when other's die either... I do, in my own way. But I don't feel the same sadness that other people feel. I feel envious in some ways... I'm glad they got to go home. Even if I miss them, I know it's not really an end. I know everyone has their time and it can't be avoided.

I know it's strange that I started out writing about how hot it is in my apartment and ended up musing a little on Death. But the combination of B's facebook post about passing away and being revived on the operating table, and Don't Fear The Reaper coming on my iPod kinda changed my thought process. Obviously the Universe wanted me to write about Death today.

Azrael, wherever you are, you will always have my homage.

Wow... just after posting this, Band of Horses' The Funeral came on... maybe today is my last day on Earth, lol.

Bad luck is plaguing everyone I know right now. Kinda scares me. My luck has been pretty good of late. Hopefully it won't come around to me.

I have only dreamed about dying once. My entire life only once. I think it was because they always say if you actually die in your sleep, you die in real life. Kind of shocks the system I guess. It was within the last year. I was pulling into a parking lot - for whatever reason - and all of a sudden someone yanked open the car door and shot me point blank in the side of the head. What was strange was as it was happening my first thought was 'really? This is how it's going to end? I won't get to see L again....' but I was still consiouse as I slumped over the steering wheel. And then I woke up. I researched it a little bit and dying in your dreams can mean a new sense of direction, starting something new.

Only time though for me.

I have only dreamed about dying once. My entire life only once. I think it was because they always say if you actually die in your sleep, you die in real life. Kind of shocks the system I guess. It was within the last year. I was pulling into a parking lot - for whatever reason - and all of a sudden someone yanked open the car door and shot me point blank in the side of the head. What was strange was as it was happening my first thought was 'really? This is how it's going to end? I won't get to see L again....' but I was still consiouse as I slumped over the steering wheel. And then I woke up. I researched it a little bit and dying in your dreams can mean a new sense of direction, starting something new.

 

Only time though for me.

My dream deaths were really violent when I was yonger... Being beaten to death, being mauled to death by dogs, and being dismembered were a few of the more memorable ones.

Now though, my dreams about dying are calmer... probably because I don't fear it anymore. I dream of myself dying under More strange circumstances now then violent circumstances. It's hard to explain.

One really memorable one was one I had in my mid twenties... I dreamt I was in a psych ward. The Doctor called me into his office and offered me some fruit... which I ate. But I quickly realized it was laced with something because I started to feel dizzy. So, fight or flight instinct kicked in and I took off running down the hall. All these hospital staff were chasing me. But I was faster. I made it out onto the street where there was a payphone.

I was standing there trying to call the cops and I couldn't get the phone to work right. This woman pulled up in her car and asked if everything was alright. I told her that I just ran out of the hospital after the Doctor there tried to poison me. She told me to get in her car, we would go to the cops.

So I did... and as soon as I was in the car she pulled out a needle and shot me up with something. It was so quick... I didn't even see it coming. I tried to run away but as soon as I got out of the car I just didn't have the strength to move anymore. I fell down and was laying there on the street. The hospital staff were standing all around by this point and all these people were watching. I could feel the life leaving my body... I could feel all the muscles being paralyzed... I felt tingling all over. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and it was also getting darker and darker, and colder.

I knew I was dying... but I felt strangely at peace. I didn't feel any anger toward the people who did this to me. I forgave them in my own heart. I remember thinking I would never seen my family again or my friends. I remember thinking I would never do all the things I planned for myself. I knew this was it...

Last thing I saw was a black cloth being pulled over my face, and then it was all over.

So... last night Aimee decided she wanted to do something nice for me and take me out to dinner, since I've helped her out so much since she lost her job. She got her 401k out and had a decant amount of money to her name yesterday. It wasn't a small fortune, but enough to catc up on some bills at least. I told her to save it for more important things. She said I'm her friend who's helped her get through this time, and that is an important thing.

So I went over there... Her and Aaron and I sat and watched The Illusionist. Then her and I left and walked to the bar and grill around the corner. He was invited, but decided to stay home. He and I went and ate and had a few beers. But we also did a few shots. I was fine, and she seemed fine too when we left.

We went back to her place for a little bit. An she decided she wanted to go to the other bar a little bit further up the street. So, we left again. Aaron was invited this time also, but didn't want to go. He did give me a big hug and a nice kiss before I left though, which was cool. *He is not the focal point of this story, but I just had to mention that, lol.*

So we go up to the Tavern... have one beer, and she's ready to go. She says she's not "feeling it" tonight and wants to walk up and see Vito's sister. Well, I had to work today and Vito's sister lives on the other side of town. I didn't feel like being out that late or walking that far. Sowe split up.

On my way home I passed her place again though. I briefly considered going back there to hang out with Aaron for a while. But I decided not to because clearly he wasn't in a social mood and I didn't want to impose.

I texted her to let her know I got home safe. (This is something we always do.) I didn't hear back from her. I texted about an hour later "Hey, did you make it down to Natalie's?" Nothing.

I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I look at my phone to see what time it is, and there's a text from her. It says "I got sick and threw up while I was walking to Natalie's."

So... fast forward to this morning. I'm on my morning break at work. I get a text from her "I LOST all my 401k money! OMG, I don't know what to do!!! I'm so screwed!!!"

I texted back asking where she last had it.

She said she lost it while walking to Natalie's.

Ok... am I the only one thinking something isn't adding up here?

Natalie is the cokehead who Aimee spent the coked out weekend with that caused her to lose her job. Last night when we were having dinner she said she had X mount, and she set aside Y amount for us to go out with. Was she really carrying ALL OF IT on her in her purse? And how the hell do you lose a big wad of cash out of a purse? Unless someone steals the purse... that would be pretty hard to do.

I think she went over there and snorted her whole 401k away...

She kept texting me saying how screwed she is. I told her I can't help her. It's the end of the month and I have pay my own bills.

I know it's unlikely... but I hope she did lose it. I'm also not that naive. I know she probably lost it right up her freaking nose. It pisses me off to no end seeing people I care about screw up their lives. And now she can't catch up on her bills or feed herself or her animals... If what I suspect really happened. I hope the freakin' blow was worth it.

So... the same person has ditched me twice this week. This bums me the hell out. I was looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. That was like the one thing I was looking forward to while having to work all friggin' weekend.