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Thread: Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)

    Title of this thread is the same as my blog... except the after dark part. I added After Dark because I most likely will write about things here that I don't write about in my Blog. Here I am anonymous... there I'm not.

    So, now it's time to work my nerves a bit...

    To M... Posting on facebook that you started your rag... Really? While your at it why don't you just post pics of some used tampons for all our enjoyment.

    To B... The things you do that used to annoy me so much are starting to annoy me less and less. But, it's not that I've had a change of heart and see the error of my ways or anything... It's just that I CARE less and less.

    Also to B... While you are sitting on your ass talking/typing about all the things you want to do, I am actually out doing the things I want to do. But you continue to criticize me.

    To AZ, Would you be my friend at all if I didn't make good money? I love hanging out with you, but anymore every time I see you you expect me to spend it on you.

    To A... this isn't working my nerves. But I still want to say it. Thank you for making me feel the way you have these last couple days. Getting Ready for a First Date
    Last edited by agent; 10-31-2011 at 07:47 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    It's always nice to get back in contact with old friends... Thanks for reaching out, Emily.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    I don't know why I feel so anxious. But I wish it would go away. I wish I wasn't sitting here alone. Normally I enjoy my own company, but tonight I am just not feeling it. I couldn't go see the one person I wanted to see tonight. But that's ok. I have a feeling they are thinking about me anyway.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    I don't know what it is with me lately... been sad the last few days. I say sad and not depressed because in my experience the two are different. Depression usually has a reason... sadness doesn't need a reason. I'm just in a funk... can't shake it.

    Maybe because I see so much sadness around me that it's starting to drag me down. I go to work every day and am surrounded by miserable people who hate their jobs and hate their lives. One of my closest friends just lost her job and is about to be homeless, and I've helped her all I can and now I'm at a point where I can't help her with certain things. This man I've know for ten years who I've invested a lot of time and emotion in is not the same person anymore... I realized last week that the person who came out of the coma is not the person I've known for ten years. And... add to that the face that I never see my husband. I have to drag my ass out of bed every day at AM and I hate it. My Documentary is currently on the shelf... Yea. There are a lot of things contributing to my sadness. It's not any one thing, it's a melting pot...

    I haven't really had a good release either. I haven't cried in a while... I should be happy. I'm going to Europe! Why the hell can't I enjoy this?

    As a kid when I was happy I was made to think it was a bad thing. So, I think as an adult I don't think I deserve the happiness I get. My life has been miserable... I've gotten used to it.

    Right now as I was typing that last sentence, Dance of Death came on my iPod... how fitting. THIS is a big part of why I don't fear death. My life has been awful... I used to say "If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy." Now that has changed a little. I do have something to look forward to. I have my trip. So now when I think about death, I think "If I die right after my trip, I'll be happy.

    I feel like a traveler who is stuck in a really crappy motel with no way out. I came here on some mission, but got stuck with bad surroundings. Now I just want to go home. I don't know what the mission is but I want to be done with it and check out of this awful hell hole.

    I do try to work with what I have though, I give myself credit there. I change what I can when I see it fit to change it. Example... my job. I am not the happiest there, but right now it's paying the bills and making other things in life possible. So I don't really see it as something worth changing at the moment. I have to sacrifice something to get something, it's an even trade.

    I also have to remember that it is not my job to be the scaffold for those around me who are falling. That is one of my mottos in life. It's harder to live by then what it seems... I am naturally a giving person and I don't want to see others suffer. But I also don't want to be their crutch either. Aimee and Brian are two people using me as a crutch... I know the right thing to do in the grand scheme of things is to let them both fall. But it's hard to do that.

    Right now I just feel so done... with everything. I didn't want to get out of bed today. I don't want to be around people... I want to play my bass and cry and sleep.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    East of Lyra... I'm posting this here because I want to remember it and don't have anything to write with.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    So... this day is almost over... I slept a fair amount today but I'm still exhausted.

    I really hope that today is as bad as it gets, and this isn't just the tip of the iceberg.

    I think it's time to do some house cleaning... It won't be easy but I need to distance myself from some of these people. Circumstance has put all my negative friends in a more accessible place. The emotional vampires live right down the street and are always home when I'm home... and they always want me to come over and hang out.

    The positive friends live on the other side of town, too far to walk. And they work different hours then I do. So I don't get time with them like I want. Then there's my other friend who is more positive to be around... but she's a retail manager so she's not home a lot.

    I'm going to start attending public zen meditations next week... I really need to get centered again.

    And, I plan on trying to be more active in my town's art center... if it's not too expensive. I was an active member there a few years ago... but lack of time and money pulled me away. I took violin lessons there and used the potter's wheel a lot. There was even talk of me teaching a photoshop class there. But not enough people showed interest in it.

    I need to meet some interesting people and get out of my house more to do some constructive things instead of hanging out with energy sucking drunks all the time.

    She was texting me earlier and I wanted to wretch... literally. I was to the point where just seeing her name on my caller ID made me feel sick.

    I was weak tonight though... I was weak and texted B and told him I haven't been talking these last few days because I've been depressed. He was understanding... I didn't keep the conversation going too long though... He at least deserved some explanation... I wouldn't want someone completely disappearing on me. So why would I do that to someone else?

    I wish Pam didn't live so far away...

    [video=youtube;lSHSUOZHXFc]

    This video was the high point of my day. The literal Dance of Death about 9 minutes in actually made me forget about everything for a few seconds. Who would have thought Bruce D*ckinson twirling around dressed like the grim reaper would have that affect on me... Sometimes it doesn't take much.

    Anyone is more then welcome to comment here... if they want to.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    I pay the rent, the cell phone bills and buy the groceries... and he throws a fit about asking to borrow $10 because I need to take a taxi to work today... Sorry for asking....

    Since I'm such a regular customer maybe the driver will let me pay double tomorrow. They should know by now I'm good for it.

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    Someone needs a reality check.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DN
    Someone needs a reality check.
    Yes... it's not all about him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Slow walk homme inn a thunnnderstormm at the crack of dawnn... after the hour long goodnight kiss. Wow...

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