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Thread: Ex wants to talk about breakup after 5 years. Closure? Rekindling? just lonely?

  1. #1
    starry eyed girl
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    Ex wants to talk about breakup after 5 years. Closure? Rekindling? just lonely?

    Hi everyone, I havenīt posted in ages. I would love your advice on something that's a bit complicated.

    My ex wants to talk to me about our relationship and why we broke up. I really want to talk to him but I'm conflicted. This is just very confusing.

    A little background history:

    We broke up 5 years ago after 7 years of relationship. He was my first boyfriend and this was the best relationship Iīve had, so far. We were best friends, had great sex, amazing communication and we would always find a way of solving problems. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. Everything was almost "perfect".

    While we were planning our wedding, he started to feel unfocused at work, got very anxious and became depressed. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (after just one visit to the doctor). After that, our relationship changed dramatically. I was very protective of him, at first, and later started acting like his mother. His self esteem was very low after the diagnose and that made him clingy. It was an extremely complicated situation and I didn't know how to deal with it. I truly loved this man.

    His parents and I joined a self help group for relatives of people with mental problems to try to "understand" him better. This did not help me and just scared the hell out of me (all the women there advised me not to marry him and shared sad stories about their suicidal and unemployed husbands). Of course I got cold feet and started acting really distant, even mean to him. I could not break up because I felt responsible but I didn't feel I was strong enough to deal with his "disease". So after months of agony the relationship died.

    It was really really hard to get over him. Over the years many things happened. We "hated" each other. He had bad relationships. I had bad relationships. We tried to date again, It didn't work out. We stopped talking for years. A couple of years ago we started talking again but just as friends and we didn't see each other that much (actually, I think we avoided each other to try to protect ourselves). One day I had a dream that he was in love with someone else. Shorlty after, he told me that he said he was going out with someone else. I stopped all communication (to respect him and this new woman cause I do believe in karma). I made peace with the idea of him and let go.

    A few months ago I broke up with a guy (He didn't love me, was passive/aggressive and codependent so it only lasted a month). I had no problem moving on. I felt strong and confident that I knew what I wanted and not wanted in my life. I won't deny that this bad experience got me thinking a lot about how good my relationship with my first boyfriend was.

    About a month ago I just felt a strong need to talk to my first boyfirend. I didn't know why. I sent him a message and he responded that he actually was thinking the day before about contacting me. He broke up his relationship a few months back, so I was kinda distant and we just talked about trivial things. We have kept in touch and it feels very normal to have a "friendship" with him.

    Yesterday he said he wanted to talk to me. He has been thinking that our relationship was the fullest and has seen with "new eyes" the way we broke up. Apparently, he recently found out that he was misdiagnosed and he is not bipolar. He wants to know what kind of relationship we could have (to let go of the history that makes us not perceive each other as we truly are).

    I don't know what to make of this. Is he lonely? Does he want closure? We have never been able to stop talking to each other for long. I think I still love him but I know that it's probably just because of the good memories.

    Thanks for your comments.

  2. #2
    jul-els
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    See post below.

  3. #3
    jul-els
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    It seems as though you're leaving out some important details. I don't understand how you went from having a great relationship to him being bi-polar. That part's not making sense to me. I don't see how your ex could be so ill and then magically just get better. Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance and not something that can be cured. If you weren't happy with him before, it won't change in the future. It sounds to me like you're better off keeping him at a friendly distance.

  4. #4
    starry eyed girl
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    Thanks Jul-els. I know some parts might be missing (it was 7 years of relationship in summary). Thanks for reading.

    He had been feeling inadecuate at work for a while and then one day he had a little too much to drink and had an accident. He told me he believed that something was wrong and went to the shrink (as I said on the first visit he was diagnosed and medicated).

    He wasnt so ill... I don't know if you've dealt with bipolar before, but once they are medicated they just feel flat all emotions are muted and the stigma of having a "mental disease" is very harsh on the person's self esteem. Think of a scarlet letter. Everyone, including himself, started treating him as an invalid. So after the diagnose it was easy to blame everything on the disease, he lost his job, etc... I stayed with him all that time. We broke up because I got cold feet after going to a "self help group" where many told me that he would only get worse, in time, there was no cure and that he would always be unstable. It was fear, pure and simple. All along he was a loving partner. What changed is how we viewed each other.

    That happened 5 years ago. I dont know exactly how he found out he was misdiagnosed but he moved and its likely he had to see another shrink.

    I was very happy with him until he was diagnosed and the drama started.

  5. #5
    jul-els
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    I see. Well, I would say unless you can accept him with his illness being fully aware of what it entails for you (and tbh, based on your post, it sounds like you probably aren't) I would not consider getting into a relationship with him. That's a huge responsibility and one that isn't going to make you happy with your life. Like I said, keep a friendly distance. In my opinion that's the best thing you could do.

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