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Thread: "Doesn't believe in marriage"??

  1. #1
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    "Doesn't believe in marriage"??

    Hello,

    I am looking for others' opinions on this. So I have a lovely boyfriend...we've been dating for about 2.5 years now, I am late 20s he's early 30s. We have been through patches of LDR and taken pretty big measures to be together. We are from different countries (EU and US). We have our issues like any couple, but are happy together.

    My biggest issue in this relationship is his aversion to marriage. After about a year he started talking about spending our lives together...and shortly after he began talking about how he 'doesn't believe in marriage'. I was totally in denial at that point and thought he would come around. He tells me, after a few drinks, that he wants to be with me for life but he is just scared of marriage. I keep thinking of the stories about these kinds of relationships, that end with the guy running off to marry some girl he's known for six months after.

    His actions say he really loves me...but I don't know if that's enough at this point. I feel like his not wanting to get married is only saying that he doesn't want to marry ME. We have been together 2.5 years, shouldn't he know if I am the one by now? If I'm the one, why the **** doesn't he want to marry me? He thinks we would be ok just being boyfriend and girlfriend forever. I am nearing 30 and am thinking of family life and kids, and to be honest I don't think I want to have kids out of wedlock. It scares me to think of being a single parent with a father who, if we didn't stay together, could live in a whole other continent for the kids' whole lives.

    I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess what I am looking for is some opinions and maybe some stories from folks who have stayed committed together and not gotten married. I want to stay with this guy, I love him, but everything I've ever been told about relationships tells me that "the" relationship is supposed to end in marriage. I want to be ok with us not getting married, I guess, but I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm the one if he doesn't want to marry me.

    Thanks for any feedback and sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense - it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately!

  2. #2
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    ... Just so you know, with his views on marriage you may not ever see a ring anytime soon.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member thejigsup's Avatar
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    I don't believe in marriage...for me! I have said "no thank you" to a few men and I am not sorry I did. I was briefly married and being married DOES NOT guarantee happiness at all! I was never more miserable that when I was married. Now, if other people want marriage and get engaged, I am happy for them. I don't disbelieve in marriage for everyone, just for me. I never married my late bf and I am not sorry I did that. We had almost 12 wonderful years together before he died and we would not have had anywhere near that many if we had gotten married. It is how happy you are together that counts, not if you are married or not. If you want marriage at any price, pressure this guy into marriage. It won't last long and he will resent the heck out of you, but you will be married. If you want to find true happiness, either stay single with him or find a man who wants to marry you.

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    Gold Member Kitkat973's Avatar
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    Has he talked about why specifically he doesn't believe in marriage?

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    He doesn't say too much about his not believing in marriage. He says most marriages end in divorce and so many married people seem unhappy. His best friend and his parents had divorces that were a bit messy...his family is pretty divided because of this. He was also engaged with someone he had been with for like five years, who eventually left him for someone else. This comes accross as a red flag to me, you agree?

    Ahhhh....so stupid to think that a person will change their mind, huh!

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    Shipgirl, never apologize for a post. I would have a lot of concerns about this relationship. First of all, how much "real time" have you had with this man physically close to you, not LDR. I will come back to you when you answer this question....chi

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    Originally Posted by ShipGirl
    He doesn't say too much about his not believing in marriage. He says most marriages end in divorce and so many married people seem unhappy. His best friend and his parents had divorces that were a bit messy...his family is pretty divided because of this. He was also engaged with someone he had been with for like five years, who eventually left him for someone else. This comes accross as a red flag to me, you agree?

    Ahhhh....so stupid to think that a person will change their mind, huh!
    it's not really stupid...it's hopeful.

    do want want the whole marriage shebang? or do you want the life of a married person? personally...i know a number of couples who are by all accounts 'life partners'...but have come to an agreement to remain 'unmarried'. to them...it doesn't feel like a compromise. it feels natural. admittedly...i don't know exactly how they came to the agreement. perhaps this is one of those things where you just need to be on the same page from the get-go.

    based on what you've mentioned about his past...i think his aversion to marriage makes absolutely PERFECT sense. and unfortunately...any form of perceived pressure from you is likely to push him further in that direction. there may be no solution here. but a little mutual understanding would surely help. find a way to help him understand your perspective...without being pushy. and invite him to help you to understand his.

    it's not a red-flag until it's painfully evident that all avenues have been exhausted...or one of you decides it's not worth the effort.

  9. #8
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    Chi, we were LDR for 3 and 4 months in 2009/10. We have been together (as my name implies, living in the same cabin working on cruise ships ha) for six months, then on holiday together for 2, and we will spend the next six months together again when he comes to my ship next month (so five weeks apart right now).

    We were planning on taking our next holiday in his home country where I could take some French classes and finally meet his mom (who was on holiday last time I was there, and who I've spoken to on the phone and facebook). We are planning to leave our ship life soon but not sure where to move (where marriage makes another difference, due to visa issues). I am leaving ships in the next year regardless of what happens.

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    Personally, I'm not a massive proponent of marriage (even though there's evidence that it's one of the top components for personal happiness). The only instance where I considered marriage was before I was to deploy (military) and I wanted to ensure that my partner was guaranteed benefits should I have become a statistic. We were in a relationship for five years, sans marriage.

    It shouldn't be interpreted as a lack of desire to commit; if that was the case it's unlikely he would have remained in the relationship for two and a half years. It's extremely possible he simply does not necessarily understand why there's an urgency for marriage. Why do you believe that marriage is such a powerful preventative agent that would impede him leaving your hypothetical children and re-establishing a life thousands of miles away?

    Again, subjectively speaking, I don't believe there is a "the" relationship. There are billions of humans on this planet. In theory, I suppose there is an individual whose statistics would correlate almost directly to your desires, though the chances that you'd meet said person are highly improbable. In the end, it reduces down to whether or not you're particularly happy in the relationship. You say yes, however the marriage issue could possibly erode your happiness and lead to the dissolution of something quite compatible. You need to ask yourself if you predominantly desire marriage due to societal "expectations" or your own.

  11. #10
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    You don't have to marry someone to prove your love. I, for one, will never get married.

    To me, marriage is just something we as a species have made up. It's all in our heads.

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