"Doesn't believe in marriage"??

Hello,

I am looking for others' opinions on this. So I have a lovely boyfriend...we've been dating for about 2.5 years now, I am late 20s he's early 30s. We have been through patches of LDR and taken pretty big measures to be together. We are from different countries (EU and US). We have our issues like any couple, but are happy together.

My biggest issue in this relationship is his aversion to marriage. After about a year he started talking about spending our lives together...and shortly after he began talking about how he 'doesn't believe in marriage'. I was totally in denial at that point and thought he would come around. He tells me, after a few drinks, that he wants to be with me for life but he is just scared of marriage. I keep thinking of the stories about these kinds of relationships, that end with the guy running off to marry some girl he's known for six months after.

His actions say he really loves me...but I don't know if that's enough at this point. I feel like his not wanting to get married is only saying that he doesn't want to marry ME. We have been together 2.5 years, shouldn't he know if I am the one by now? If I'm the one, why the **** doesn't he want to marry me? He thinks we would be ok just being boyfriend and girlfriend forever. I am nearing 30 and am thinking of family life and kids, and to be honest I don't think I want to have kids out of wedlock. It scares me to think of being a single parent with a father who, if we didn't stay together, could live in a whole other continent for the kids' whole lives.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess what I am looking for is some opinions and maybe some stories from folks who have stayed committed together and not gotten married. I want to stay with this guy, I love him, but everything I've ever been told about relationships tells me that "the" relationship is supposed to end in marriage. I want to be ok with us not getting married, I guess, but I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm the one if he doesn't want to marry me.

Thanks for any feedback and sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense - it's just something that's been on my mind a lot lately!

... Just so you know, with his views on marriage you may not ever see a ring anytime soon.

I don't believe in marriage...for me! I have said "no thank you" to a few men and I am not sorry I did. I was briefly married and being married DOES NOT guarantee happiness at all! I was never more miserable that when I was married. Now, if other people want marriage and get engaged, I am happy for them. I don't disbelieve in marriage for everyone, just for me. I never married my late bf and I am not sorry I did that. We had almost 12 wonderful years together before he died and we would not have had anywhere near that many if we had gotten married. It is how happy you are together that counts, not if you are married or not. If you want marriage at any price, pressure this guy into marriage. It won't last long and he will resent the heck out of you, but you will be married. If you want to find true happiness, either stay single with him or find a man who wants to marry you.

Has he talked about why specifically he doesn't believe in marriage?

He doesn't say too much about his not believing in marriage. He says most marriages end in divorce and so many married people seem unhappy. His best friend and his parents had divorces that were a bit messy...his family is pretty divided because of this. He was also engaged with someone he had been with for like five years, who eventually left him for someone else. This comes accross as a red flag to me, you agree?

Ahhhh....so stupid to think that a person will change their mind, huh!

Shipgirl, never apologize for a post. I would have a lot of concerns about this relationship. First of all, how much "real time" have you had with this man physically close to you, not LDR. I will come back to you when you answer this question....chi

He doesn't say too much about his not believing in marriage. He says most marriages end in divorce and so many married people seem unhappy. His best friend and his parents had divorces that were a bit messy...his family is pretty divided because of this. He was also engaged with someone he had been with for like five years, who eventually left him for someone else. This comes accross as a red flag to me, you agree?

 

Ahhhh....so stupid to think that a person will change their mind, huh!

it's not really stupid...it's hopeful.

do want want the whole marriage shebang? or do you want the life of a married person? personally...i know a number of couples who are by all accounts 'life partners'...but have come to an agreement to remain 'unmarried'. to them...it doesn't feel like a compromise. it feels natural. admittedly...i don't know exactly how they came to the agreement. perhaps this is one of those things where you just need to be on the same page from the get-go.

based on what you've mentioned about his past...i think his aversion to marriage makes absolutely PERFECT sense. and unfortunately...any form of perceived pressure from you is likely to push him further in that direction. there may be no solution here. but a little mutual understanding would surely help. find a way to help him understand your perspective...without being pushy. and invite him to help you to understand his.

it's not a red-flag until it's painfully evident that all avenues have been exhausted...or one of you decides it's not worth the effort.

Chi, we were LDR for 3 and 4 months in 2009/10. We have been together (as my name implies, living in the same cabin working on cruise ships ha) for six months, then on holiday together for 2, and we will spend the next six months together again when he comes to my ship next month (so five weeks apart right now).

We were planning on taking our next holiday in his home country where I could take some French classes and finally meet his mom (who was on holiday last time I was there, and who I've spoken to on the phone and facebook). We are planning to leave our ship life soon but not sure where to move (where marriage makes another difference, due to visa issues). I am leaving ships in the next year regardless of what happens.

Personally, I'm not a massive proponent of marriage (even though there's evidence that it's one of the top components for personal happiness). The only instance where I considered marriage was before I was to deploy (military) and I wanted to ensure that my partner was guaranteed benefits should I have become a statistic. We were in a relationship for five years, sans marriage.

It shouldn't be interpreted as a lack of desire to commit; if that was the case it's unlikely he would have remained in the relationship for two and a half years. It's extremely possible he simply does not necessarily understand why there's an urgency for marriage. Why do you believe that marriage is such a powerful preventative agent that would impede him leaving your hypothetical children and re-establishing a life thousands of miles away?

Again, subjectively speaking, I don't believe there is a "the" relationship. There are billions of humans on this planet. In theory, I suppose there is an individual whose statistics would correlate almost directly to your desires, though the chances that you'd meet said person are highly improbable. In the end, it reduces down to whether or not you're particularly happy in the relationship. You say yes, however the marriage issue could possibly erode your happiness and lead to the dissolution of something quite compatible. You need to ask yourself if you predominantly desire marriage due to societal "expectations" or your own.

You don't have to marry someone to prove your love. I, for one, will never get married.

To me, marriage is just something we as a species have made up. It's all in our heads.

But he was once engaged to another woman? Maybe that's what is getting at you? The fact he was engaged and won't get engaged to you, also *if* you did marry I think a part of you would be convinced it was for visa reasons on his part?

Your life together at the moment just seems like a long holiday romance with holidays and working together in not a normal environment. Maybe when you both stop and live together properly he might see things differently?

You don't have to marry someone to prove your love. I, for one, will never get married.

 

To me, marriage is just something we as a species have made up. It's all in our heads.

But you both need to be singing from the same song sheet and in this case she wants to marry him!

Well, when you work on cruise ships for so long....'not normal' is all you've got! I have been doing this for 5 years, and him for 4. I have a vague idea of 'real life' but I can't say I've ever really lived it, since I've been on ships since just after college. It is a completely different culture out here, like living in high school or the military or in Hollywood. Relationships are different here. 2.5 years is FOREVER on cruise ships. People cheat, and break up to date someone who you have to see every day for months, and end up on YouTube, and do crazy **** out here a bit more often. I give us credit for making it through all that. Our fidelity and staying together speaks huge volumes here, where everyone is screwing everyone and then bringing their spouse and kids onboard to visit.

Anyway, Superfox, I hope you could be right! He was engaged way back before he came to ships and it was a 'normal' environment. I don't think about the girl he was engaged with, but I do wonder about the fact that he could get engaged before but he is not into marriage now. It makes me wonder if he might do the marriage thing again but just not with me. In which case, really, why the **** is he still with me? This whole thing of guys staying with girls for years when they know they are not the one they want to marry, really kills me.

Chi, we were LDR for 3 and 4 months in 2009/10. We have been together (as my name implies, living in the same cabin working on cruise ships ha) for six months, then on holiday together for 2, and we will spend the next six months together again when he comes to my ship next month (so five weeks apart right now).

 

We were planning on taking our next holiday in his home country where I could take some French classes and finally meet his mom (who was on holid

 

ay last time I was there, and who I've spoken to on the phone and facebook). We are planning to leave our ship life soon but not sure where to move (where marriage makes another difference, due to visa issues). I am leaving ships in the next year regardless of what happens.

Thank you for the clarification Shipgirl. My concern was that if most of your time was apart from one another that he might be a commitment phobe. I still would not rule that possibility out altogether, but just not as likely. He does not sound like he is against marriage, but rather more like he has a lot of concerns about it. I would have a heart to heart talk with him and get clarification about the issue. There are many advantages to being married because society is set up that way. Marriage is not just this romantic pie-in-the sky thing. Marriage is a legal document and it serves the purpose of protecting both spouses and any children resulting. I am entitled to health insurance with my husband's work, for example. My husband will receive proceeds from an insurance policy in the event of my death. The list just goes on and on. So when you have your heart-to-heart I would be prepared with a lists of the pros of marriage since he seems to have a list of the cons. .......chi

Without marraige it may prove hard for you to be together in one country. Immigration laws are pretty tough on migrant workers on both sides of the pond, and long term relationships dont carry the same weight as marriage.

Without marraige it may prove hard for you to be together in one country. Immigration laws are pretty tough on migrant workers on both sides of the pond, and long term relationships dont carry the same weight as marriage.

There will always be arguments for and against marriage... that will remain a constant.

BUT, the OP aspires to be married and her significant other does not. That will not make for a happy relationship unless one is willing to give something up (without regret) to the other.

OP - have you discussed YOUR feelings on marriage to your bf? You mention that he has told you how he feels but have you shared your dreams and goals? Does he know you really want kids in a unit of marriage and why? Are you willing to remain with your bf should he tell you that he knows for sure he doesn't want marriage or kids? Are you willing to leave the relationship to get what it is you desire... marriage and kids?

You have to realize that first and foremost neither of you are wrong. But, not wanting the same things in life will not support a healthy relationship. You don't want to want 5 or 10 years down the road and wake up resentful of your bf because he didn't want to marry you... and that is what you need to be discussing with your bf.

Good Luck

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is whether you want a happy relationship, or to be single. He's not going to change his mind, and if he does, it's only because you want it and he'll almost certainly resent you for feeling as though he was manipulated into it.

There will always be arguments for and against marriage... that will remain a constant.

How is that even a response to what I said? What I said was a statement of fact, not a judgement on what she wants.

Hex - I agree with you and the others completely about pushing him into it. I don't want him to be miserable because he married me, and I don't want to feel like he didn't really want it and just did it to shut me up. In the last few months I have not brought up the subject of marriage and at this point I don't really plan to anymore. (even though sometimes it's really hard!) We both know how the other feels about it and I guess that's just what it is...and unless one of us changes our mind about the issue there's no reason to keep talking in circles about it. In the meantime I'm trying to convince myself that I can be ok without marriage because I love him and do not want to leave.

Oh and PS thanks for the replies! It's nice to get outside opinions on this. What a great site.