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Thread: 4 years together but nothing in return

  1. #1

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    4 years together but nothing in return

    Hi im new to this sort of thing so here it goes.
    iv been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years im 22 and hes 21 young i know but...... he doesnt want any form of commitment, he wont even admit hes in a long term relationship to himself. he wont get a joint bank account, doesnt want to start saving for a house and the talk of getting engaged, not married just engaged, is out of the question as is kids.
    hes my boss at work and at work thats all he is he doesnt acknowledge me as his girlfriend and is quite rude but i do love him i just think he wants something different from me.
    i know im only 22 but wev been together for 4 years is it so wrong to want a bit of commitment.
    hmm...........

  2. #2

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    Why do you say 'nothing in return'. He is clear about what he wants and doesn't want and if you do want those things you are going to have to leave him. But he doesn't owe you anything.

  3. #3
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    Ever seen the movie 500 days of summer?

    When someone is open and honest with you from the beginning...they usually mean it...you are expecting him to eventually change and that is not right...you should really let him go if anything and pursue what you really want.

  4. #4
    Member Java731's Avatar
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    I don't think it's wrong to be wanting a bit of commitment.
    But at the same time, commitment doesn't have to mean having a joint back account, saving up money for a house, or getting engaged.
    Him being faithful to you (I'm assuming here) is just as committing than what you're asking from him.
    Maybe the idea of sharing and being engaged scares him? Like you said, he is only 21.
    If you want something more serious than what you have right now, you should tell him.
    If he doesn't want the same thing, all you can do is leave him and move forward with your life in the hopes of finding someone that wants the same thing as you do.
    Or stay with him if you're willing to wait for him a little longer.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member _Asti_'s Avatar
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    He's 21. Keep that in mind. Yes, its been 4 years, but he's also only 21. He was 17 when you started dating.

    Many 21 year old males cannot even process marriage, children, house buying etc.

    I can see your frustration, but I just keep thinking "He's 21!"

    My husband didn't warm up to the idea of marriage, children, etc till he was hitting 30. And this was after 6+ years together.

    If these things are important to you, right now, this isn't the guy for you. Right now. He's still so young and probably has alot he wants to do in his life before settling down. At 21, he probably can't even process many of those things and envision those things in his life right now.
    At this point I would say stop focusing on the length of time together, and focus on where you are in your lives. Are these things even practical to be thinking about?

    If you truly believe you should be at a point where marriage and all that should be happening, then he isn't the one for you. If you know what you want, and it isn't the same as him, then he's not the one for you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by _Asti_
    I can see your frustration, but I just keep thinking "He's 21!"

    My husband didn't warm up to the idea of marriage, children, etc till he was hitting 30. And this was after 6+ years together.

    If these things are important to you, right now, this isn't the guy for you. Right now.
    Ditto. My fiance was the same way until recently because he is nearing his 30's. Young guys usually do NOT want to settle or even think about marriage. Also, asking to get a joint bank account together and buy a house without a proposal or a wedding date from him is really pushing it.

  8. #7
    Gold Member laboheme's Avatar
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    Your frustration is understandable, but I'm also in the "He's 21!" camp.

    I actually think he's doing the right thing by not acknowledging your relationship at work, especially since he's your boss. If everything was out in the open, you may face accusations of favoritism, etc. Even though you've been together for 4 years, people generally don't look favorably upon those who are sleeping with the boss. (This is in no way a judgment on my part! I'm just saying that other people -- those who don't know your relationship history -- may be too quick to jump to conclusions.)

    Where are you guys as far as education, jobs, money? Are things in your life constantly in flux? If so, he may not feel like there's enough security to provide for a fiancee and kids. Even though an engagement is not marriage, it's still the prelude to some huge responsibilities.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by laboheme
    Your frustration is understandable, but I'm also in the "He's 21!" camp.

    I actually think he's doing the right thing by not acknowledging your relationship at work, especially since he's your boss. If everything was out in the open, you may face accusations of favoritism, etc. Even though you've been together for 4 years, people generally don't look favorably upon those who are sleeping with the boss. (This is in no way a judgment on my part! I'm just saying that other people -- those who don't know your relationship history -- may be too quick to jump to conclusions.)

    Where are you guys as far as education, jobs, money? Are things in your life constantly in flux? If so, he may not feel like there's enough security to provide for a fiancee and kids. Even though an engagement is not marriage, it's still the prelude to some huge responsibilities.
    I agree with everyones comments as far as work goes every one knows we are an item but i defo do not get favouratised the staff even point out i get treat the worse as far as that goes. and i know we are only young but i just think 4 years is a long time and even if were not saving for a house we could be saving for a holiday or to go away for a nice weekend somewhere. he wont even talk about moving in or talk about the prospect of marriage in the future or kids in the future. im not expecting a proposal tomorrow im far to young for that and wouldnt want it but is it to much to ask to talk about these things after 4 years, i dont want to leave it till im 30 and then discover hes not the right person to be with because he doesnt want these things. i dont want to be living at home till my late 20s and wud prefer to have a family quite young, ( not now but before im 30) i just dont know what to do, and people on here who r saying we r to young , i know we r, and im not saying i want marriage house and kids next year, but i want to know that the relationship is going somewhere ???


    thanks all xxx

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. 4 years is a long time and you are expecting him to show he is serious.

    Saving for a house should be a priority when you both are in stable careers and engagement/wedding date has been established. There are so many issues surrounding ownership of property when you both aren't married because you have no way of knowing if your relationship will last. Owning a house is a long-term commitment just like marriage. What if the relationship doesn't work out? Who gets the property then and has to pick up the mortgage when the other ships out? It is a very unpleasant situation to be in when you aren't committed and have to fight who gets what property.

    Going on a trip would be a better option. However, are you both financially situated and can afford to travel? The #1 reason why a lot of young guys do not want to commit is because of money. There are some things I do want to point out though.

    Originally Posted by chaz1504
    he wont even talk about moving in or talk about the prospect of marriage in the future or kids in the future.
    How are you approaching this? If you come off nagging or continuously bring it up, he will shut you down and avoid discussing it. If he clearly says he is NOT interested in marriage at all, then you need to decide if this is who you want to continue dating.

    i dont want to be living at home till my late 20s and wud prefer to have a family quite young, ( not now but before im 30) i just dont know what to do, and people on here who r saying we r to young , i know we r, and im not saying i want marriage house and kids next year, but i want to know that the relationship is going somewhere ???
    A lot of young people don't want to wait until past 30 to start having a family (LOL I'm in that situation and I am several years older than you). However, the economy and lack of career opportunities to support a family life is causing young people to wait. The reality right now is that it's acceptable now for people wait until their 30's to move out from their parents' house, get married and have children. I met a lot of couples who started their marriage and had kids in their 30's... they all told me that they have been happier because they were able to have fun in their 20's without dealing with excessive responsibilities of child rearing (traveling, bar hopping, staying out late, attending multiple parties, owning and driving a sportscar, participating in hobbies that aren't "child friendly," etc). Having kids is a BIG responsibility and most 21 year-old mindsets do not want to put up with it.

    Like Asti and I have been saying... people... typically guys... start to settle in more serious relationships when they come near the age of 30. It takes time for some people to grown up

    You got 2 choices... either wait until he is situated or you find an older guy who already has a stable lifestyle. I'm not sure what situation your guy is in, but most 21-year-olds are still in college, working entry level jobs that pay crap, and are not in their careers yet to take on a HUGE life commitment. You can't force these changes within a year or two... but if you can't wait, then he isn't the right person to be with for YOU. My personal opinion is to stop sweating or overwhelm him with life long commitments when he isn't ready and enjoy the relationship until you BOTH are well situated.
    Last edited by Snny; 07-13-2011 at 02:22 PM.


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