Is he really not getting it or could it be something else??

So I have posted in another forum about an intimacy issue with my bf since he got sick and had surgery. Our level of physical intimacy went from extremely hot and heavy to pretty much nothing at all. And I am not talking about just sex, I mean touching, kissing, hugging...all types of affection.

6 weeks after he was released form the hospital, I was having a hard time with him keeping me at a distance both emotionally, he would shut down and seemed depressed, and physically, just small peck kisses and a touch maybe every three days. He fixed the emotionally part, but still kept his distance physically. Explained that it was easier for him to keep his distance than get excited because he was hurting from the surgery and probably could not perform. My response is sex is not intimacy, its long kisses, hugs and so on.

At the 8 week mark, it was still not getting better. I explained how it is extremely hard for me to sleep next to someone who acts like they don't want to touch me. He again explains its not me, its him. I decide to give him more time and try to deal with it.

At the 9 week mark, he shows he can handle a good about of physical activity by mowing the lawn. I then really have a hard time that he turns down my advances for physical intimacy a few days later. We talked again, its not always about sex, but holding, touching, kissing. That I needed that connection with him. I guess he decided to just appease me and the next night was intimate and affectionate with me.

Now at the 10 week mark, thinking that he realized how he was keeping me at arms length and would start being close with me again, I was pushed away and pecked kissed at every single advance I made at getting a hug or a kiss this weekend. I got upset, left the apartment to go work on the house we are moving into in a few weeks, and I wrote him a note. It explained how much I loved him, that I understand that this situation is not his fault, but how bad I miss his embrace and how close we were both physically and emotionally. He gave me no response after he read it.

I know still has some pain in his left rib area and I am aware and cautious that I don't approach him from that side or wrap my arm around that side and squeeze when I go to hug him. I don't want him to feel forced into being affectionate with me, but it is really hurting me. I don't know how to handle it either. I've tried to not think of it, but I can't help it and I am terrified the longer we go being so disconnected, that this is how it will be for him and I for now on.

He swears he is still attracted to me and that he loves me more than anything. But what I don't get is how you can love someone like crazy but not want to touch them, especially after they've told you it is killing them not to touch you.

Is this him just being a guy and not getting how bad its getting to me?

I read your previous thread, so after last week, he is becoming distant again?

Yep. It was like he was affectionate for two days to just appease me. Its back to no hugs, just peck kisses. I approached him many times for a hug or a kiss. I would rub his knee, the back of his head and just always bushed off.

It's one thing telling you that he loves you and it's another when his actions are showing otherwise.

Honestly, I think you have to ask yourself whether or not you are willing to put up with this in the long haul. From what I gather, you only starting dating earlier this year. I understand that he had surgery not too long ago, but you mentioned that affection and intimacy doesn't just have to imply sex.

If this is already happening this early on within the relationship, it's not a good sign.

I would try to have another talk with him, and see if he will be willing to accommodate you. If not, you have to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker for you.

What was the surgery and what, if any, meds is he taking?

Surgery sometimes has psychological ramifications for people as well as physical. Loss of libedo can have a host of causes. The first step would be to go to a medical doctor to see if there are any physical causes for this. If there aren't, try and get him to counselling to see if there are any psychological issues present.

If he was great before surgery and it was like a switch was flipped after surgery there may be something there. If you actually love the guy you owe it to the both of you to explore all avenues before calling it quits.

He had a bacterial infection that caused fluid build up in his lung and had to have surgery to get it cleaned out. He was on IV antibiotics until about 2 weeks ago, not he is on oral antibiotics for the next 7 months. It was one really bad bacteria. He is having issues with the surgery, but demands that he's not depressed and there's no way he'd go see a counselor. He has gotten much better about not shutting down on me and talking to me when he's hurting or not feeling good.

I am no where near ready to call it quits with him. Our relationship is great except he keeps me at a physical arm's distance. He is such a wonderful man and father, I'd be crazy to give him up. But, we fell for each other very fast and we've only been together for 6 months. With his getting sick, it caused a bump in the natural progression of our relationship, so its really hard for me to tell if this is how it was going to end up becoming anyways, or if it is because of the circumstances.

Its really hard.

Is the infection contagious?

i think you need to give him a little more time to recover.

No, it is not contagious.

I am trying to give him the time and space he needs to recover, but it is extremely hard to live with him, sit right next to him, sleep in the same bed as him yet not have much physical contact. I miss it so much.

He fixed the emotionally part, but still kept his distance physically.

He didn't fix anything.

How was he before the surgery? If it happened right at the time of the surgery, it may legitimately be surgery-related and not much he can do about it at this moment. Two months is not a long time to recover, and it is common for types of surgeries to have emotional impacts (heart for sure, but also kidney ... not sure about lungs). Sometimes, personalities actually change after surgery (has to do with electricity if I remember correctly).

So an update! Its a long read.

July was hard for us as he was unable to work things out with his ex where the kids would stay with us for this coming school year, both have wanted to live with him for the last year and this was really the topic throughout the summer with them as well. Needless to say, he was not happy about it at all, however, there is not much we can do at this time about it, so his focus for the rest of our time with them was 100% on the kids and spending time with them.

His level of intimacy with me remained basically the same, peck kisses but he started to come tell me goodnight, I went to bed way before him because of work and he was still on sick leave till mid July, he would give me long tight hugs then. I stopped talking about needing intimacy with him. I tried to back away as much as possible to give him the time he needed to heal and to also handle the emotions that came with having to send the kids back when they told us almost daily they wanted to stay. Side note, he is a wonderful father and loves his kids so much. That is part of what made me fall in love with him.

During July, we also had a family vacation to his home state to spend time with his family, who are wonderful, and we also moved into a nice 4br house together, then a weekend trip to his uncle's to fish with the kids and then the last weekend of the month, he had to take the kids back to his ex. As the month went on, I could tell he was feeling much better and was hurting less. Yet, our physical status stayed at nothing and we started to annoy each other easier. Both he and I were under so much emotional stress with the crazy month leading up to the kids leaving, there were many times we just did not talk to each other for for a few hours to avoid a fight. There were times that I broke down and cried in the shower or in my room at night because I missed what we had so much. I missed the man that I fell in love with earlier in the year and honestly, was terrified that I would not get him back. We did have a few conversations about that, he promised that we'd get what we had back, both emotionally and physically. That he was feeling better each day. But we were running out of time to spend with the kids and he wanted that as the focus.

When he told me when he was taking the kids back, he dropped another bomb on me. The drive is 14hrs to where they live, but they are only 6 hours away from where his parents are at, so since he only gets to see his parents one time a year and the next time he'd see them again would be next summer, he decided that after dropping the kids off, he would go visit his parents again for a few days. This at first killed me. He was going to leave me alone in our new house, with two empty rooms and the heartache of having to say goodbye to to wonderful kids that I love so much and grew so close to. Then after a few weeks of he and I being on each others bad sides, I figured it would probably do us both some good and got over it. Over the last 3 months, we've grown further apart. The distance between us for a few days would hopefully help both of us remember how much we meant to each other. Or it would show us that we were not supposed to be and we'd be able to make a decision from there.

He left last Friday. I held it together telling the kids goodbye, but lost it as soon as I walked out of the door. He came out to tell me bye, held me and told me it would be OK. The weekend was the longest I've ever experienced. We texted a few times in the day and then talked to each other on the phone once a day. He was really hard to read of whether he missed me. I missed him like crazy, and I told him that daily. He always said he loved me, and he was the one to say it first most of the time. The night before he left to come home, he did not really seem OK on the phone. That upset me. I started to get scared that he did not miss me and would end up with my heart broken. He took the trip over two days because the drive is 16 hrs. Yesterday, he texted when he left, and still holding onto hope, I started my count down with him. I do this every time either he or I travel, the count down to when either of us get home. 2 hours later, I gave an update in the count down. No response. 2 hours later I give another count down and ask him where he's at. No response. I waited another 2 hours and I was about to text him that I needed to hear from him, but I got the text "Im home babe".

We've always been very cheesy with each other when we travel, telling each other "I miss you" and "Cant wait to put my arms around you" and such. He has participated in this with me every trip. But all of those trips were before he got sick. The last hour of my work day was mixed with excitement to see him, perpetration for heartbreak if he did not act like he missed me, fear and everything else. I texted him that I was on my way home, "Sounds good". Then, about 10 minutes from home I texted "I have butterflies in my stomach just like I did in Jan when you were coming home from seeing the kids". I made it home, walked in the door. He was sitting on the couch, but stood up quickly and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed me, closed mouth. The hug lasted about a minute, then he sat back down. I figured that was it, so we started to talk. I see he has laundry on the table, so I say I'll do a load. I go back to my room to get my clothes and he follows. He picks up the cat off the bed, puts her out the door with the other and shuts the door. Tells me that I can do laundry later.

After that, we had a great dinner at a Chinese restaurant, his idea. We had a wonderful night together. It reminded me so much of what it was like in the beginning. I feel sooooo much better today. I know that we have some shaky ground that needs to be fixed, but this is a perfect start. Crossing my fingers it keeps going this way.