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Thread: Spending too much time with parents?

  1. #1
    rose35
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    Spending too much time with parents?

    I am 26 and living at home; i help contribute and also save rather than spend a crazy amount on rent or to live with 2 roomates like i know some do. I see it as more worthwhile in the long run for me to contribute at home and also save for my future and maybe even purchase something in a few years to come.

    Since I am at home though; i spend more time hanging around my parents than other people. The thing is I haven't really been up to socializing. I find alot of the times when I am in groups and out I just don't really enjoy myself. Sometimes i do but for the most part i don't. I am single and would much rather spend my time with a significant other or a few good friends.

    I am on an online dating site which i think is the best option because after work and working out etc it's hard to find the energy to go out all the time to different places or wherever with a tiny hope that maybe i will meet someone.

    But i see other people everywhere who seem to spend more of their free time out and about and not really with their families at all. I actually feel bad sometimes for not spending time with my mom and then at the same time i feel i should be doing something else.

    I think the major thing that i want in my life is a boyfriend again. It's been a number of years that i have been single; So i honestly think in some way it has brought me down a little...everywhere i go i see couples around my age and i am spending time with my mother on a saturday afternoon into the early evening.

    Does anyone else spend time with their parents or mothers like this? Or is going out no matter where with others more of a priority? Most of the people i know are in relationships or engaged or married so it is another reason online dating is a better option. Alot of the times these friends will just want to do something where basically i would probably have a slim chance in meeting someone.

    i guess it has been hard for me to enjoy myself lately when i see basically everyone on facebook or in real life doing anything but spend time with their parents like the way i do at my age. Everyone's situation is different so i guess just looking for input, opinions etc.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    Batya33
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    I lived with my parents until I was finished with graduate school at age 28. By the time I was 16 or so they encouraged me to spend time without them and socialize, date, get involved in activities, etc.
    They were typically busy with work and social activities/outings. We did have family over once every few months or so or we went to visit family once every few months but otherwise I was on my own. As I wrote to you on another thread you started, I didn't realize what a huge leap in personal development I would make when I moved out on my own - the rent I had to pay was worth every penny given how I grew up and as an added benefit, improved my relationship with my parents.

  3. #3
    TakingtheBlame
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    OP, have you ever lived away for your family? I am sort of in the same boat as you, with a slight difference...I've been moving in and out of my parents' home over the past 12 years...lived at home til 20, moved into a college dorm for two years, then moved back home for two years, moved out again at 24 when I started law school and lived on my own again for five years until I realized that I was spending way too much money on a tiny NYC apartment that I was sharing with a roommate, and moved into a vacant apartment that had recently housed a tenant in my parents' home from 29 until present. I figured I'd stay in this arrangement for as long as it took to save up some money to make my next move out permanent.

    That said, I know what you mean about spending a lot of time with the parents. When I'm living at home, I tend to spend a lot of time with my mom, chatting, watching TV, going out for coffee or shopping. I get enough companionship from seeing her all the time that when it comes time to meet my friends, I feel socially satisfied already and sometimes decline to see them in favor of hanging out with the mom (and it's obviously more convenient since she lives closer than my friends and boyfriend in the City 40 minutes away.) But I find when I'm living outside of their home, I'm a lot less inclined to "hang out" with my parents, mostly because every time I'm out I move somewhere where it's inconvenient to see them geographically. So I don't think it's incredibly odd to spend more time with one's parents while living at home, much like I'd hang out with my roommate more when I had one than I hung out with my closer friends, because it was easier to coordinate schedules with someone who lives with me. Either way, I haven't found that my life is affected much by this in the long run...I managed to meet my boyfriend (through a mutual friend) a few months after moving back into my parents' home last year, while I couldn't seem to get any relationships to stick while I was on my own the previous five years. Not quite sure why that was! I also find that every time I move back out on my own, I quickly adjust to a "normal" social life again and barely see my parents (although I do call regularly...my parents are awesome!)

  4. #4
    rose35
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    that's nice to hear someone else doing what I am basically doing..i don't feel the need to be around friends all the time either. I enjoy my space in general but i am guessing i probably would do a little more if i was completely by myself. Taking walks with my mom or going out to eat or shopping does i guess fulfill that socializing in some aspect. And i can also be completely myself. I dont have to talk about anything and i don't have to be super happy or whatever the case is you know. I guess in a way it is not so bad? I still go on the dating site and i really think it's a long shot to meet someone at a bar and after work it is tiring to take part in other types of social activities.

  5. #5
    TakingtheBlame
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    Quote Originally Posted by mjj [Register to see the link]
    that's nice to hear someone else doing what I am basically doing..i don't feel the need to be around friends all the time either. I enjoy my space in general but i am guessing i probably would do a little more if i was completely by myself. Taking walks with my mom or going out to eat or shopping does i guess fulfill that socializing in some aspect. And i can also be completely myself. I dont have to talk about anything and i don't have to be super happy or whatever the case is you know. I guess in a way it is not so bad? I still go on the dating site and i really think it's a long shot to meet someone at a bar and after work it is tiring to take part in other types of social activities.
    Nope, it's definitely "not so bad" at all! It's what you make of it. We go through phases in all aspects of life...employed/unemployed, healthy/sick, single/in a relationship...each phase with its own pros and cons (some with more pros than cons, and vice versa!) Since this is just a temporary living situation (saving for later rather than smoking weed indefinitely on mom's couch :P) try to enjoy the positives while you can (spending time with mom, not having to impress, etc.) and when the time comes for you to head out on your own, you can reap the benefits of this cost-effective choice you are making now.

  6. #6
    CGE
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    MJJ I know you say staying at home allows you to save your money and not spend it frivolously (which is true) but I've found that living at home and being around my parents all the time has made me too complacent and crippled me socially. I've found that going on trips away from my parents with friends or just through summer programs boosts my self-esteem and allows me to realize that I am a unique individual. At first it's very nerve racking (I have a history of social anxiety disorder) but the longer you stay away from home the more you realize you can function better on your own than with your parents.

    Also if you think there are reasons you don't find it necessary to be away from your parents, I would recommend seeing a therapist (I'm currently scheduled to see one tomorrow ). Best of luck!

  7. #7
    dali
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    I think the biggest thing your missing is the self esteem and independence you achieve live out on your on. I'm biased though I moved out as a teenager, I couldn't get out of there quick enough so I've also been one to venture out of my comfort zone. Moved back once for unavoidable reasons and hated it to the point i got the hell out of there as quick as possible.

    Now when it comes to relationships I've the more mature relationships are usually with people who don't live at home, I'm not sure how yours is but at 26 do you really want to have to consider your parents at that age? Spending to much time with your parents is not the best imho, it stunts our growth as a person. Their job finished when you left high school and you became a adult.

    Now your sacrificing it for better financial stability, to me that's fine but make sure you have an exit date please.

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