Confused and Alone

hello,

My wife is thinking divorce and obviously I don't want it. She's bi polar and isn't on any medication she feels they make her worse. Her and her mother have both told me on separate occasions that she is bi polar prior to us getting married. So I already knew things wouldn't be real easy at times. She left once shortly after her dad passed away but then decided she wanted to work things out. Thankfully we don't have kids that have to be dragged through this. It's been quite the roller coaster relationship honestly but I do truly love my wife.

I moved to this state just a month before she did and she ended up working as a temp at the same company I did at the time. I'm 33 and she's 26. We've been together for a total of 6 years now. We've had problems but we've always worked them out. I think she is also suffering from a lot of depression from her parents death. Her dad passed away 2 months after we got married and then her mother passed away 1 1/2 years ago. Her parents were divorced but remained friends. I've suggested marriage counseling to her before but she shoots it down convinced we don't need one and she can handle her bi polar disorder. Not that I know her BPD has anything to do with this situation.

Monday she came to me and said she was needing space because she feels suffocated. She wants to be able to spend more time with her friend. I've never had a problem with her hanging out. Only problem I have is they drink and then my wife stays at her place all night. I offered to drop her off and pick her up as a compromise. She said she needed space but didn't want to separate and wasn't thinking about divorce. She made a statement saying she thinks she needs meds again but she won't get them. I started doing my own thing and letting her have some space. Thursday she comes home from work and says she talked with her brother and is moving in with him and his wife and 95% sure she wants a divorce but is going to give it time. Seemed extreme to me to go from not wanting to separate to divorce all in 4 days. Her reasoning she gives is that she's unhappy and misses being single and doing what she wants to do without telling anyone what's going on. I asked her what I'm supposed to be doing here and she said moving on. I asked her if that is what she really wants. She said she doesn't really know but she doesn't want me to put my life on hold while she tries to sort herself out.

I'm pretty close to he brother and he says he's pretty sure there isn't another guy involved in this but if he finds out otherwise he will let me know. So she packed up some clothes and went to his place Thursday night. His response to the whole thing was I'm really sorry but you know how much the family likes you and you know in a few weeks she will want to come back.

She was texting me Thursday night to tell me that she still had my ipod in her bag and that lead into a conversation of her telling me I'm her best friend and she doesn't want to lose me altogether. I didn't really have anything to say to that other than that is part of what makes this so hard. I've told her I don't want to be a statistic. I saw her Friday when she came over to get some clothes and when she left she kept her eyes lowered but gave me a hug and kiss and said love you on her way out. That was the last time I talked to her. She is supposed to be over today to get some more clothes. She asked if she can keep some stuff here till we get it figured out what we are doing because not much room in her brother's basement.

it just seems weird to me to leave a husband that loves her,a home,car and a bed to go live with her brother,his wife and kids,having to have her arch-nemesis as she calls her pick her up for work and sleeping on a mattress on the floor in her brother's basement. She left the car with me because my name is the only one on the loan and she can't keep up with payments on it on her own which also puts me in a bind because I don't have the money to pay for the cars,rent,food and utilities. So I've been looking for a part time job to try to get that paid until I can sell it or something.

I've been reading a book that is giving me suggestions. Like not initiate contact,act happy,when we do talk don't talk about the relationship. It just goes against my instincts. the whole situation is really making me sick to my stomach and I'm having to take sleeping pills to get to sleep at night. From reading it I have discovered somethings I have done wrong but I can't fix the past. Just seems so weird to me that she doesn't text me to even check to see how I'm doing. I don't have any friends around here to hang out with and my dad's health is so downhill it's depressing to go over there. Only thing I really do is go for walks several times a day and try to keep myself busy around the apartment.

Sorry for all the text I have a lot on my mind.

I can certainly commiserate with you. My relationship of five years ended three weeks ago. She was both mentally and physically ill, with multiple relapses during the relationship. It is impossible to completely understand the complexity of/and predict behavior; humans are unpredictable. If you read through these boards, you'll digest countless stories which support this. Now, add mental illness to the equation. If she truly has been clinically diagnosed as Bipolar, with strong inter-rater reliability (multiple experts in the field agreeing on her diagnosis) you were likely always going to experience this at some point. However, without medication and psychotherapeutic treatment, it's nearly impossible to have a functioning relationship with an individual with Bipolar disorder. While you shouldn't ruminate constantly on it, you should give yourself credit for supporting a partner that has this disorder and wasn't seeking treatment. You need to focus on yourself at this point, perhaps seeking therapy if only so you can better understand her behavior and realize you likely didn't cause her sudden departure. That's the nature of the illness.

[…] I've been reading a book that is giving me suggestions. Like not initiate contact,act happy,when we do talk don't talk about the relationship. It just goes against my instincts. […]

I realize it all sounds counter-intuitive, but I agree with the book. When a partner feels suffocated that's a very distinct message. I would disappear and drop from her radar. Otherwise, any small outreach you attempt, no matter how reasonably you rationalize it, will be perceived as manipulative--and more suffocating.

I would use the time apart to focus on my own self improvement above and beyond my role in the marriage. I would invest every step necessary to find work or school, involve myself in something social such as a cause or community project, I would seek whatever kind of talk therapy I would find--whether it's a self help group for people who love someone with a disorder, a group for separated or divorcing people, or even visits with a local clergy person. There are also ways that you can translate lessons learned from Alanon or Narcanon members, who are loved ones of alcoholics or drug addicts, because they are also essentially flying solo with no sane or focused support from their loved one.

Point is, this is NOT the time to instigate family interference (such as reporting) or attempts to influence wife in any way. Work on yourself, let her go ~poof!~ to sort out her own stuff in her own way and time. You can't 'manage' this for her or with her, and the less you know of her mistakes and her process right now, the better.

Read more, and you'll likely find more support for this difficult suggestion--and you'll learn all the 'whys' behind it. The more hands-off you can be, and the more you can direct your focus onto your own life and your healing, the better the outcome no matter what wife does in the meantime.

At the moment I'm not contacting her at all unless I actually have something I need to know from her. So since Thursday I have only sent her 2 texts both asking a question and not having anything to do with our relationship.

I know she has facebook and it's been tempting to look at it but I'm trying to avoid all of that right now. Chances are I don't want to know what she's saying on there.

It's been really hard trying to just let her go because I'm so used to her coming in the front door and jumping on me to give me a hug and a kiss and now that she's not I just feel so lost here.

This is irritating. She was supposed to have been here an hour ago to get some more stuff but instead of letting me know she wasn't going she just kept it to herself and went and decided to spend the weekend at a friend's house last night that lives near her job which is about 30 minutes away. Instead she won't be back at her brother's till tomorrow afternoon. She could have at least let me know. Being father's day and all I went to see my dad. Could have spent more time with him instead of purposely leaving just so I could let her get some stuff. I even text her earlier to ask if she was still coming down and she didn't bother to respond. She finally text me a couple of minutes ago to let me know

Hi Hollowed, I feel for you. You are experiencing one of life’s greatest pains. Most men would rather die than divorce.

Most marriages can be saved…especially when the wife is the wayward one.

First ask yourself…do you want to? Most male victims, (you), tend to say yes but really don’t care or are unwilling to work on it. (Maybe the wife isn’t worth the effort?)

If yes…this is what worked for me.

- Everything you do to save your marriage is done in secret.

- You’re wife is not a necessary element in any save attempt. It not about her!

- Recognize that bad things can and do happen to good people.

- Recognize you don’t own you’re wife and is on loan to you. Death ends your marriage.

- Do not underestimate her sexuality!

- Do not underestimate her ability to make bad decisions during this stressful time.

- Do not underestimate your ability to make things worse. Girlfriend.

- She got married young. That by itself means nothing…but with the media’s constant bombardment of her for years with “green grass” fantasy… she could be already gone.

- No matter what you think… she is probably in the some early, (hopefully) stage of a hidden relationship.

- Do not waste time in counseling. Never ask her to go to it. It’s too late. The counselor will waste precious time with silly superficial techniques which would only drive her further from you. It shows weakness.

Secretly buy James Dobson’s “Love must be tough.” New hope for marriages in crisis.

And Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew”

There are other books but these are the first “must read” books.

I agree with catfeeder… especially with not talking to others about your marriage. It shows weakness.

Watch your weight. Eat more to maintain it. Do not let your wife see you in a weakened state.

Buy new clothes and throw out the old. Act happy, aloof and with purpose. This shows confidence. (This is not superficial! It's exactly what you will do after your divorce.)

Do it now!

Separation is the worst thing you could ever do to a marriage in crisis. Healthy marriages need tons of contact. Separation breeds a game of * * * for tat. “You hurt me so let me show you how easy I can hurt you.” This is often the nail that kills savable marriages.

Your job now is to get her to look back.

So I found out this morning that there is another guy involved in this. Her brother called me earlier and said that she came by this morning but he was still asleep. He said that sounded strange to him because her friend lives 30 minutes away from there close to her job. He said he called her and she said she has a guy she wants to bring over for him to meet but he said he doesn't understand why her facebook status still says married instead of saying that she is in a relationship with this other guy. He also said that he doesn't know what time she is bringing him over because she said she doesn't know what time he gets off work. So basically she lied to me about staying at her friends house and in reality stayed the weekend with this guy and now wants to make it public..to everyone but me. I really desire to have her tell me about this instead of hiding it from me.

I bought The Divorce Remedy the other day after having read so many good reviews about it. Are the other books that you recommended better than that one?

I am reading on other websites that when finding out about an affair that it should be told to all their family and friends just to make it public. is that true?

Yes! These two books are must first reads. Dobson's first then Smalley.

Michele's book is good, (I got it somewhere), but it’s is too much, too late. If I remember correctly it relies on the wayward spouse being part of the equation. Nope that’s not going work for you.

Unfortunately your wife may have placed the “nail” already.

You can still save your marriage… but you now it’s harder.

Wives will typically go with another man to put the hurt back you and re-build self esteem. It does not mean the relationship is consummated!

You should find out. Ask, spy or just gut feeling.

Reason… you will emerge from you’re panic stage eventually and become stronger. At this point, even if you are back together…something will happen to you.

You will begin to move away from her.

Find out. It you think she hasn’t then tell her the following;

There can be no other guy. If there is…were finished.

It she ignores you…that’s your answer.

I she agrees tell her she has to come home tonight.

Then shut up.

Do not tell her about this forum, books or anything you are doing to save your marriage. It will all be viewed as weakness. Use a computer she has no access to.

Good luck

NO...NO, NO! Never tell anybody about the affair! You're marriage is private. Strictly need to know.

You are in the panic stage....that's weakness!

You must act the opposite way!

Be very careful with what you say.

Best advice for all men in marriage crisis... Do not react…shut up and listen. Shut up and listen. Shut up and listen.

Every word you are say is carefully being recorded. You don’t want to be sorry for things you said in the panic stage!

P.S. Also, talking can be viewed by wives as weakness. Be Quiet and thoughtful. Do not react anything she says. Do not do anything rash.

I was thinking about just going over to his house about the time he normally gets home and just wait somewhere for the guy to show up and then go to the door to ask to speak with my wife and confront her about this. I know the affair is happening because her brother told me but he doesn't want his relationship messed up with his sister by informing me of it. So is that a better way to do it or should I simply text her and tell I know that there is someone else and then cease all contact till she's ready to talk to me about this?

She left most of her stuff here so I know she has to come get it eventually. They have no hot water over there so I'm sure she is either going to want to come here to shower or perhaps now that she made the affair public to her brother she may go to the OM's place to shower. I dunno I'm really confused right now

Your wife is confused too! Trust me...she is!

Don't go over.

Call her,(no txt, facebook,etc) and tell her you want to meet with her tonight.

Don't worry about other people or guys. It's not about them!

Talk calmly and in control. Do not scold or correct. She's your wife not a child.

Say you understand a lot.

In Michele's book she does have a section called the Last Resort technique that she says to use if you are separated...I don't think it says anything about though if there is an affair involved in the situation. I haven't made it to the affair section but I assume that it's going to still be talking about that if you and your spouse are trying to work it out. just basically says not to pursue or anything for the last resort technique

Frequent phone calls

Begging your spouse to reconsider

Pointing out all the good in your marriage

Writing letters

Following your mate around the house

Encouraging talk about the future

Soliciting help from family members

Asking for reassurances

Buying gifts/flowers

Trying to schedule dates together

Spying on your spouse

link removed

Your wife is confused too! Trust me...she is!

Don't go over.

 

Call her,(no txt, facebook,etc) and tell her you want to meet with her tonight.

Don't worry about other people or guys. It's not about them!

 

Talk calmly and in control. Do not scold or correct. She's your wife not a child.

 

Say you understand a lot.

The only problem is my wife is very stubborn and most likely won't come over plus I haven't got any proof that she is having an affair. Just what her brother told me and he doesn't want to mess things up with her because each other is the only close family they have left. So in that case she will probably just deny it like she has already. I asked her if there was someone else involved in this when she said she was leaving and she swore on her mom's grave that there wasn't although now I have found out otherwise

Oh yah one thing I had forgotten about altogether a couple weeks back my wife had made a facebook post about wanting a guy to text her and a couple of co workers had said "he doesn't know what he's missing" or something like that. I had seen it because she had her laptop kind of pointed my direction. I did ask her about it at the time and she said it wasn't anything just about needing to ask a co worker a question and she didn't understand what the co workers comments were about so Ijust blew it off...although now that I look back on it it does reinforce what her brother said

Michele's advice overall is sound. Any chasing at this stage will be viewed by your wife as weakness. So all you need to know...do not show weakness.

Be a loving, understanding husband who seems to have a secret... I choose to be with you but am ok if you leave. (Crazy stuff huh?)

Hold this in reserve in your mind... I love you but have limits... I am not mud under your feet. Never was never will be!

She will sense this!

ok so don't tell her I know she is having an affair but just tell her I suspect there are other factors involved in this separation and that I can't be second place any longer?

and should I still invest in those books?

I feel retarded right now trying to sort out exactly what I should tell her when she won't own up to it without being caught.

Call her and ask to talk to her face to face. If she doesn't answer leave a message. Only do this twice of a period of two days. If she doesn't respond... it may be your answer.

If she does, (most likely, remember she is confused too) sit down face to face and start with a nice talk. "I know we have had are problems” If she rants...GOOD!

Listen for correction... if she does... she has most likely not been sleeping with anyone. Do not correct her!

When right tell her you are willing to change into the husband she wants but there can be no other men. Watch her face carefully!!!!! If she is lying you will know.

If you think she is lying challenge her. Use a quiet let down approach. Watch carefully. Just because she wants to hurt you it doesn't mean she would abandon her principles.

If all goes well you may have time to discover the real issues for your failing marriage.

Ignore her taunts. You most likely have been hurting her for years. Women save everything. (Walk away wife syndrome)

I'm pretty sure I will see her again soon. She was saying last week for me to get ahold of her this week and see if she wants to go do something. Which I'm kind of thinking now she wants to keep on the string in case things with this guy doesn't work out.

usually what happens if I try to talk about a problem she will say something like she doesn't want to talk about any of this (referring to a past problem). I figure what will happen is she will A) refuse to come over or B) get here and throw a fit and try to turn the whole thing on me and just say she's unhappy and try to leave it at that either way at this point I don't really see what I have to lose I will try to get her to come over

I guess it's possible I could have been hurting her although I really don't know although I have inquired about it before. She just always says it's nothing to do with me it's about her and how many issues she has

Reply to 2:55PM

Oh my God yes...order the books immediately! Amazon used works just fine. Even if you are too late for this marriage…there will be other relationships!

Never say... "I can't be second place any longer?" it's more weakness.

It’s not about other people…just you and her. You are half of this marriage and she knows it. Be brave…don’t try to dilute this or blow it up.

You said…”I feel retarded right now trying to sort out exactly what I should tell her when she won't own up to it without being caught.”

Welcome to the club. You are going to learn more in a couple days than you have in a lifetime.

It’s not so much about telling her anything. Your talking to your wife.

You being a very confident man, (portraying), will be sensed by your wife. This is going to scare the hell out of her!

Commonly known as “THE LOOK BACK.”

Ok I'll order the books right away

Now I just got to figure out exactly what to say to her. I kind of think something along the lines of I know we have had problems but I know they can be worked out but it's up to you to decide if you want them to or not and let me know what I need to change about myself to help you out. I love you and I want our marriage to work however I'm going to survive either way this goes. and then listen to what she says

I'm pretty sure I will see her again soon. She was saying last week for me to get ahold of her this week and see if she wants to go do something. Which I'm kind of thinking now she wants to keep on the string in case things with this guy doesn't work out.

 

usually what happens if I try to talk about a problem she will say something like she doesn't want to talk about any of this (referring to a past problem). I figure what will happen is she will A) refuse to come over or B) get here and throw a fit and try to turn the whole thing on me and just say she's unhappy and try to leave it at that either way at this point I don't really see what I have to lose I will try to get her to come over

There can be no other man... You must be sure she understands this quietly and with confidence. Breeze through it like you almost don't care...but do.

Stop talking to her. Listen instead. Do not bring up problems. She's not your daughter.

Who cares if she doesn't come over. Go to the mall and buy new clothes.

She won't throw a fit if you listen, seem thoughtful, not defend, say sorry quietly and then most important...shut up.

When a man wins with his wife...she leaves and he loses. Better... listen and allow her to correct you.

If she is correcting/talking, VERY GOOD!