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Thread: Is he really not getting it or could it be something else??

  1. #1
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    Is he really not getting it or could it be something else??

    So I have posted in another forum about an intimacy issue with my bf since he got sick and had surgery. Our level of physical intimacy went from extremely hot and heavy to pretty much nothing at all. And I am not talking about just sex, I mean touching, kissing, hugging...all types of affection.

    6 weeks after he was released form the hospital, I was having a hard time with him keeping me at a distance both emotionally, he would shut down and seemed depressed, and physically, just small peck kisses and a touch maybe every three days. He fixed the emotionally part, but still kept his distance physically. Explained that it was easier for him to keep his distance than get excited because he was hurting from the surgery and probably could not perform. My response is sex is not intimacy, its long kisses, hugs and so on.

    At the 8 week mark, it was still not getting better. I explained how it is extremely hard for me to sleep next to someone who acts like they don't want to touch me. He again explains its not me, its him. I decide to give him more time and try to deal with it.

    At the 9 week mark, he shows he can handle a good about of physical activity by mowing the lawn. I then really have a hard time that he turns down my advances for physical intimacy a few days later. We talked again, its not always about sex, but holding, touching, kissing. That I needed that connection with him. I guess he decided to just appease me and the next night was intimate and affectionate with me.

    Now at the 10 week mark, thinking that he realized how he was keeping me at arms length and would start being close with me again, I was pushed away and pecked kissed at every single advance I made at getting a hug or a kiss this weekend. I got upset, left the apartment to go work on the house we are moving into in a few weeks, and I wrote him a note. It explained how much I loved him, that I understand that this situation is not his fault, but how bad I miss his embrace and how close we were both physically and emotionally. He gave me no response after he read it.

    I know still has some pain in his left rib area and I am aware and cautious that I don't approach him from that side or wrap my arm around that side and squeeze when I go to hug him. I don't want him to feel forced into being affectionate with me, but it is really hurting me. I don't know how to handle it either. I've tried to not think of it, but I can't help it and I am terrified the longer we go being so disconnected, that this is how it will be for him and I for now on.

    He swears he is still attracted to me and that he loves me more than anything. But what I don't get is how you can love someone like crazy but not want to touch them, especially after they've told you it is killing them not to touch you.

    Is this him just being a guy and not getting how bad its getting to me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    I read your previous thread, so after last week, he is becoming distant again?

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    Yep. It was like he was affectionate for two days to just appease me. Its back to no hugs, just peck kisses. I approached him many times for a hug or a kiss. I would rub his knee, the back of his head and just always bushed off.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jd1983's Avatar
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    It's one thing telling you that he loves you and it's another when his actions are showing otherwise.

    Honestly, I think you have to ask yourself whether or not you are willing to put up with this in the long haul. From what I gather, you only starting dating earlier this year. I understand that he had surgery not too long ago, but you mentioned that affection and intimacy doesn't just have to imply sex.

    If this is already happening this early on within the relationship, it's not a good sign.

    I would try to have another talk with him, and see if he will be willing to accommodate you. If not, you have to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker for you.

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    What was the surgery and what, if any, meds is he taking?

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    Surgery sometimes has psychological ramifications for people as well as physical. Loss of libedo can have a host of causes. The first step would be to go to a medical doctor to see if there are any physical causes for this. If there aren't, try and get him to counselling to see if there are any psychological issues present.

    If he was great before surgery and it was like a switch was flipped after surgery there may be something there. If you actually love the guy you owe it to the both of you to explore all avenues before calling it quits.

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    He had a bacterial infection that caused fluid build up in his lung and had to have surgery to get it cleaned out. He was on IV antibiotics until about 2 weeks ago, not he is on oral antibiotics for the next 7 months. It was one really bad bacteria. He is having issues with the surgery, but demands that he's not depressed and there's no way he'd go see a counselor. He has gotten much better about not shutting down on me and talking to me when he's hurting or not feeling good.

    I am no where near ready to call it quits with him. Our relationship is great except he keeps me at a physical arm's distance. He is such a wonderful man and father, I'd be crazy to give him up. But, we fell for each other very fast and we've only been together for 6 months. With his getting sick, it caused a bump in the natural progression of our relationship, so its really hard for me to tell if this is how it was going to end up becoming anyways, or if it is because of the circumstances.

    Its really hard.

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    Is the infection contagious?

    i think you need to give him a little more time to recover.

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    No, it is not contagious.

    I am trying to give him the time and space he needs to recover, but it is extremely hard to live with him, sit right next to him, sleep in the same bed as him yet not have much physical contact. I miss it so much.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by flaminghair81
    He fixed the emotionally part, but still kept his distance physically.
    He didn't fix anything.

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