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Thread: Healing after breaking up with emotionally abusive boyfriend

  1. #1
    enchanted771
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    Unhappy Healing after breaking up with emotionally abusive boyfriend

    fairly recently, I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. He didn't see it as abuse because he never hit me. He had a very bad childhood, but he stopped seeking therapy years ago, so he was walking around like a walking time bomb. Before I met him, I was a happy and easy-going person. Always smiling, laughing, enjoying life. When I met him, he killed a part of me and ate away at my self esteem.

    The last time I saw him, was the last straw and the worst night of my life. We had been arguing recently, and I wasn't going to see him, but I just dont give up on a relationship, so I wanted to see it through. He was going through alot of stuff and I wanted to be there for him. So, I took the train to see him after work. I got off the train, and he wasnt there yet, so I sat on the bench. He was waiting behind the other cars, and didnt see me so texted me. I saw him, and I preceded to get in the car. I didnt even close the door yet, and he was taking off! no Hi, nada. Immediately, he starts with the negative talk. Lady in front of him was on the cell phone bla bla bla. So I told him you know, i take the train here and you dont even say Hi to me?? you dont even let me in the car and your taking off!! he blamed the cab behind him waiting. That never mattered before when he said he can wait, because was more concerned about me.

    It did not get better from there, it got worse. His words were just getting meaner and meaner by the minute. He doesnt understand how when he shows up like that, how it should affect me when its about him not me. I told him when he gives off negative energy it has a bad affect on me. He said what is this negative energy s***!!!! he just wouldnt stop. He was always blaming me claiming its me that needs to change not him. Then he threatened to take me back to the train station after were done at the mall. We planned on getting his nieces gift together, i even printed out a coupon!!

    In the mall, he was being just as demeaning. So, he went in the store and I just waited for him. Didnt help nothing. I was texting my friends to try and calm down. Then he checked out and demanded to know who I was texting. I told him to take me to the train station. He was driving to his house and I said no way in heck am I spending the night with him. THen he starts calling me negative, said I am a bad person, etc. Did he really expect me to help him after the way he acted??? to make a long story short he was texting me all night, I left his house and spent 2 hours getting home and didnt look back.

    Still hard because I do love him but he will never change, and now I know why his ex didnt want to have anything to do with him after they broke up.

  2. #2
    MissingSparkle
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    Currently in the same situation. My ex claims that everything is my fault, he calls me selfish and inconsiderate, when he hasn't asked me how i am doing, or whats going on with me whenever we talk its always about him. He got into a motorcycle accident yesterday and i never received a call. These type of people with never change so even though you still love him and it might hurt to stay away i tell you this because it will never get better. it's been 1.5 yrs since we started in this cycle. i'm telling you this advice because i know i need to do it too.

  3. #3
    Silverbirch
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    That guy sounds like my ex ex. Not only do people like that often not get better, but they often get worse - more abusive. Mind did anyway. So glad he isn't in my life anymore. Yes, I thought I loved him too, but I stayed strong, remained NC, healed and then met someone else. Whilst that relationship has now ended and I've been very down about it, he was definitely not abusive in the way my ex ex was. It's hard to believe now that I stayed with the ex ex as long as I did. I saw him at a supermarket some time ago. At first I didn't recognise him - he'd put on a lot of weight and looked a LOT older. I wondered what it was I ever saw in him.

  4. #4
    enchanted771
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverbirch [Register to see the link]
    That guy sounds like my ex ex. Not only do people like that often not get better, but they often get worse - more abusive. Mind did anyway. So glad he isn't in my life anymore. Yes, I thought I loved him too, but I stayed strong, remained NC, healed and then met someone else. Whilst that relationship has now ended and I've been very down about it, he was definitely not abusive in the way my ex ex was. It's hard to believe now that I stayed with the ex ex as long as I did. I saw him at a supermarket some time ago. At first I didn't recognise him - he'd put on a lot of weight and looked a LOT older. I wondered what it was I ever saw in him.
    Luckilly for me, I was only into the relationship for 4 months and recognized the issue. I gave him a few chances but it only got worse. He kept bringing up how I always do this every 2-weeks. It's pretty bad when his family treats me better than he does. He has this charming way about him, that covers up the real him. But I know what kind of person I am, and will not let any man take that away from me.

  5. #5
    enchanted771
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissingSparkle [Register to see the link]
    Currently in the same situation. My ex claims that everything is my fault, he calls me selfish and inconsiderate, when he hasn't asked me how i am doing, or whats going on with me whenever we talk its always about him. He got into a motorcycle accident yesterday and i never received a call. These type of people with never change so even though you still love him and it might hurt to stay away i tell you this because it will never get better. it's been 1.5 yrs since we started in this cycle. i'm telling you this advice because i know i need to do it too.
    Yes, it was always about him too. How he is stressed out, he is going through a lot bla bla bla. He never saw the whole picture. Because apparently, everything he was going through was his issue and had NOTHING to do with me, when he acted aggressively, it shouldn't affect me because it was about him, not me. That is a self-centered person. I am very easy going and have a good energy about me, that even strangers pick up on. They have told me I am easy to talk to, etc. So, I know if I am not acting myself and acting negatively, that is has to do with the person I am with.

  6. #6
    hrtlsngl7
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    Useless & abusive people kill your life & progress. Move on sweetheart. There are millions of non-defective men who don't have "bad childhoods".

  7. #7
    enchanted771
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    Quote Originally Posted by hrtlsngl7 [Register to see the link]
    Useless & abusive people kill your life & progress. Move on sweetheart. There are millions of non-defective men who don't have "bad childhoods".
    I am moving on. But I know this isnt the last I have heard from him. He will lay the guilt on thick, but I dont care anymore what he says. Everything is in the actions.

  8. #8
    rattyc

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    i know your pain

    First, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many women going through what we have experienced and from what I've seen there are two options:

    a) endure the abuse, and if you choose this, beware that it WILL get worse and you will have to sacrifice A LOT to stay
    b) stand up for yourself and choose the healthy option of fixing whatever it is in yourself that made you stay in this relationship

    When I first met my man, he was charming, considerate, and beautiful. This quickly eroded the more serious our relationship got. It started with the put downs, indifference to my feelings, lack of empathy, and like you tons of negative energy and blame. When we moved in together, this emotional abuse became physical. I'd never imagine that I'd stay in a situation where someone else would physically hurt me, but I was so in love that I ignored it and began to believe it was my fault. But no matter what I did, no matter how sweet I was, I was never "good enough." I began suffering from anxiety, depression, and lack of self esteem. I lost 30 pounds, stopped eating right, and had acne. I was a mess. Everyone noticed and I finally with a lot of encouragement from my family, I started seeing a therapist. She really helped me find the strength to leave. I'd recommend seeking therapy so you and fix the damage he undoubtably caused.

    Finally, I moved away, I changed my number, I blocked his email because every time I heard back from him, and he was soooo charming, it'd make it harder to stay away and easy to run back. It's hard, very hard to say goodbye to someone who controls you. But just know that he will not change. Not without a lot of help and maybe even medication. Life is too short to waste your time figuring out someone elses's problems. There are many men in this world.

    Really the only thing to do is stay away and reject all communication with him. You can do it especially when you realize that the saddness you feel apart from him is NOT any worse than the saddness he caused when he put you down and discredited your feelings. It is more of a habit you're stuck in, a cycle of abuse you must break.

    Then after a few months, you will look back and laugh at how silly you were for staying for so long.

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  10. #9
    sadandalone
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    Quote Originally Posted by enchanted771 [Register to see the link]
    Yes, it was always about him too. How he is stressed out, he is going through a lot bla bla bla. He never saw the whole picture. Because apparently, everything he was going through was his issue and had NOTHING to do with me, when he acted aggressively, it shouldn't affect me because it was about him, not me. That is a self-centered person. I am very easy going and have a good energy about me, that even strangers pick up on. They have told me I am easy to talk to, etc. So, I know if I am not acting myself and acting negatively, that is has to do with the person I am with.
    What you just said here describes my ex to a T....kind of ironic to see exactly what I had gone through with him written down about another person going through the same thing....

    He would always tell me I was understanding enough and that I just needed to let him do what he needed to do and be totally understanding without prejudice.

  11. #10
    ChellyV
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    give time to calm down

    Go NC for a few days and give him time to calm down. When you are ready, attempt another last talk but do not be overbearing. Try to hold on to your own opinion and just listen. If that doesnt work then quietly walk away. We can only do so much even for the ones we deeply love.

    Your ex sounds like much of my own. I quietly and patiently bore it out until I knew in my heart that I needed to take care of myself. Its been 3 months NC (until a recent email contact from him, not in the nature of recon), and I know that I am on the right path to healing.

    Ultimately, it is your call. It will be hard for a few weeks but things will get better for you. You are special and you know that. Too bad he cannot see it.

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