Is my jealousy founded and what do I do about it?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years. Four years ago, when we met, he had a lot of baggage. One of them came in the form of a 15 year old girl. He met her before he met me. He was 21 at the time. They shared a very close, and at times, tender relationship from what he later told me.

She started hanging out with the wrong crowd and met a 20 year old guy. She ended up losing her virginity to him and he came inside her. Frightened, and not knowing what to do, she turned to her closest friend at the time: my would-be boyfriend.

He took her to Planned Parenthood and had her checked out for pregnancy and STDs. He also provided her with emotional support. As it was explained to me, straight from his mouth, he took her to his house. He took her into his room behind a closed door and lay on the bed with her lying on top of him.

He told me she sobbed in his chest and he patted her on the back and “shhhhh”ed her to calm her down. His heart pounded. After hearing this, I became irate and told him that was by far too much and very inappropriate. He got defensive and said he was only trying to help her and ‘what else was he supposed to do?’

They pal’ed around everywhere together and he often blasted emotional punk band music that fit the mood. After her plight, he even dedicated a song to her and told me so. Should’ve Been There by Earshot. One of my earliest memories of the situation was the fact that he had quite a few photos of them on his cell phone.

Their suggestive, balancing-on-the-edge-of-the-precipice relationship came to a roaring halt when he met me. Believing they were just friends, I expected to befriend her as well, convinced that his friends would become my friends and vice versa. I had no such luck.

I was hanging out with them one time and she appeared to be on the verge of a meltdown. He kept glancing at her worriedly in the backseat, and asking her what was wrong. She refused to talk. I came up with the bright idea of putting in my ear buds and listening to music so they could talk privately. That seemed to appease her for she then proceeded to pour her heart out to him as I had expected.

Another time I sat in the backseat in horror as I watched my boyfriend participate in a childish and very cruel game. She called a guy from school that liked her and she proceeded to pretend to have phone sex with him. The poor guy on the other line made a complete ass of himself as my boyfriend and his friend snickered violently behind palms clasped to their mouths.

After we had dropped her off at home and feeling left out and disgusted, I made clear in no uncertain terms I did not approve of what happened. This disclosure was passed on to her and she evidently did not appreciate my criticism. “Oh * * * * her!” is what I heard her response was to my “tight ass” outlook on the prank.

I was not much more mature than she. I was 19 at the time and gave in to inclinations typical of a girl that age that had never dated before. My boyfriend took me to a deserted construction site one evening after dark. I’ll never forget the chain-link fence with the NO TRESPASSING sign prominently posted on it.

Ignoring the decree, we careened the vehicle on a gravelly path bordered on both sides by huge manmade piles of dirt. The remote location was lit with industrial lamps for night time working although no one was there at the time. He parked the little SUV and we climbed in the backseat commencing our rendezvous.

When we were finished and began dressing, he confided in me that he had taken his 15 year old friend to this place. I was shocked and accusingly asked him if he had done anything with her. He replied, “Hell no! We just sat on the hood and had a milk shake.” Somehow, I still felt unsettled.

He further attempted to bridge two worlds together by calling his friend and asking her if she wanted to hang out one Sunday. He failed to mention to her that I was coming along. We arrived at her house as planned and as she opened the door, she looked immediately crestfallen to see me there.

I remember explicitly her parents asking her what was wrong. She just gazed down at the floor without much effort to answer. We ended up not hanging out with her that day. She informed us suddenly that she had homework.

Shortly after that, she began to demand personal time with him; to which he granted. He once left me at the college campus for an hour just so he could go to lunch with her. I didn’t like feeling unwelcome but was not about to invite myself.

Before long, things began to change. My boyfriend had a falling out with the sensei of the karate school both he and his friend had trained at. He saw her less and less and on Christmas morning 2007 he called his friend to wish her a Merry Christmas. She hung up on him.

The years flew by. I was vaguely aware of him keeping spotty contact with her. For the most part, they had shut each other out of their lives. The winds of change inevitably blew in again; this time they caused my boyfriend to return to his old dojo, his sensei, and his discarded friend.

In four rotations of the earth, she had blossomed into a beautiful young lady. I accompanied my boyfriend to a karate tournament and gave her a hug wishing to keep things polite. It was also a symbolism of my acceptance of him taking his old life back being hopeful time heals all wounds.

They have drawn close once more. He spends a lot of time with the “team.” She is a part of this team. He tells me he doesn’t want to mix his personal life (meaning me) with his karate life. He used to pick me up every Thursday for the weekend. I now don’t see him until late Friday night/Saturday morning.

His friend has begun popping up places she normally does not. She showed up at his work (he teaches karate besides going to his home dojo) supposedly to mentor a younger girl. My boyfriend and his friend text each other a lot and “facebook” regularly. I read a little of their discussion since he had left the screen up and remained logged in.

I did not read it all. From what I did gather it was harmless enough. She did say she missed him although she watered it down by placing an idiom here and there. He asked her if she wanted to get food again after practice. He had told me he was making a habit of going out to dinner after every Friday class with the “team.”

A male friend of my boyfriend’s is visiting out of town. He has been talking to my boyfriend’s “girl” friend through facebook and that prompted the two to meet. The only problem was, I was told this get-together was just for the boys. My boyfriend made it clear to me he was taking me home early on Sunday so he could get his guy time in.

I was very upset to learn she was there and was the only exception to the rule while I, my boyfriend’s loyal girlfriend for four years, was not. And now, there are going out of town together with their sensei and his younger daughter and one other teenage boy neither my boyfriend or his friend like for about a week at a karate championship a month from now. During his birthday, actually. My current reasons for jealously have caused me to do a lot of thinking. I recalled the origins of my boyfriend and his “girl” friend’s friendship and am wondering if the negative feelings I have are legitimate.

I don’t dare say anything to my boyfriend about it. I know it would inevitably lead to an argument. He would get defensive and ultimately, what is he supposed to do? I don’t expect him to give up going to his old dojo. It makes him happy. He hasn’t truly been happy for a long time.

His friend, it seems, simply comes with the territory. In order for him to relish in the bliss that training at his old dojo offers him, it only makes sense for him to ignite old friendships. I deal with it mostly by keeping my true feelings hidden from him and talking to my closest confidant—my mother.

Now, I would like strangers’ feedback. Am I needlessly insecure? Maybe I’m overreacting. I should be happy for him but I am disconcerted with her returning in his life. Does anyone have any suggestions? Be as brutally honest as you like. Thank you for your time.

It is natural to feel jealous, I would just casually ask why she got to hang out when you couldn't. Make it sound more like you feel just a slight bit left out and laugh it off. Friendly and somewhat playful, but a bit serious as well. Personally, when a girl friend hangs out with me during "guy-time" it means that I see the girl just as a friend; no attraction. Of course, I'm also the type who wouldn't get defensive unless I'm being blatantly accused of cheating.

When it comes to dealing with the jealousy, just keep in mind that jealousy is basically the fear of what you imagine the other person to be and (in most cases) the person believes the other person to be better than them. Jealousy isn't bad, it is only bad when you take that emotion overboard. I don't know anyone who would blow up on a person for being jealous if they're handling their emotions with maturity, honesty, and are still being respectful of the other people.

Well... there are two questions, here.

Is your jealousy founded? Yeah... I can see why you are jealous. I don't think it's UNfounded. He had a relationship with her of sorts. They had an emotional bond, a closeness. She really did react as if she liked him as more than a friend. As a girl with male friends... yes... I certainly go way out of my way to befriend their girlfriends. Her behaviour was sketch at best.

I think the part to remember, though, is that even if she liked him, he chose YOU. I mean... I think we both know he probably could have gotten with her if he wanted to... and yet... he didn't. Not to mention that he knew her before you, so he had plenty of opportunity.

What should you do about it?

Well... I think you are right that it would be unfair of you to ask him to go to another dojo.

This is where communication is very important. I think that you should sit down and have a talk with him. I think you should tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you feel like she might have had a crush on him before and that you are worried that she will start crushing on him again. Then... listen. Listen to what he has to say. Tell him that you would like to try to get to know her better so that you can feel more at ease with their relationship. Explain that his excluding you from this part of his life, in light of all this is making you uneasy. Ask him for suggestions on what can be done to make you feel more at ease.

I think that it's important that he understands where you are coming from and that these suggestions come from him. He should want to make you feel at ease. There are many ways to accomplish that (quit the dojo, bring you along to dinners, let you get to know her, etc.). He should be able to come up with ONE acceptable-to-him way to put your mind at ease... but first, he has to know what you are feeling.

Thank you both for taking the time to consider my situation and give me your feedback. I really appreciate it. I mentioned to him about trying to get to know her to make myself feel more comfortable. He said I can do whatever I want but he doesn’t really take steps in that direction. He said he just wants to keep his two worlds separate. That’s just “how he is,” And frankly, I don’t want to get to know her. I think she’s a spoiled, arrogant brat that never gave me a damn chance. And he’s wrong for backing her and not his lady that’s been by his side.

Last night he sent me this text:

Him- “hey I just got out. Im going to eat with the team. Call you when im done.”

I guess I was feeling particularly touchy so I said:

Me- “Wed and Fri you eat with Soph—I mean, the team? K, cool. Ttyl.

He never did call me last night. I got a text from him today and this is how the discussion went:

Him- “I hate it when you act like that. I love you. I didnt answer because I don’t want to put up with that. Just leave me alone for awhile then.

Him-“their my team. Its the summer. I wish you would stop being so damn insecure. I love you alot. But I don’t know what you want me to do.

Him-“im not going to answer my phone. Weve been together 4 years. You know I love you. So whatever…

Me-“I love you too. Whatever you need. I’m just jealous of your friendship with that girl. I always have been. It’s not your problem. It’s mine and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m sorry.”

Him-“Sophia? If she was ugly this would be different. I would never touch her. And she would never touch me. I dont cheat.”

Him-“sophia and I get along because we love the same sport. She finally getting along with the team.”

Him-“I have a dream to become a national champion. Hiroshi, andrew, julian, kym, charlie, and sophia are supporting me. Ive quit everything else to get that far. And I will do whatever it takes. Ive quit the military, etc. Let me live that dream my love.”

Me-“It’s not about her attractiveness. If that was the case I’d be jealous of you spending time with Vanessa too. You guys were close…really close. And some of the things you told me about you two creeped me out. I also didn’t like that she seemed not to like me and wanted personal time with you. I’m afraid that’s what’s going to happen again, i guess.”

Him-“you and i are close. You know every little secret about me. I shouldnt have to explain this to you.”

Him-“you mean alot to me, so does the team. But I feel like your making me choose. Please dont do that to me. Its not fair.”

Him-“sophia will never be you. You will always be my love. My Camille.”

Him-“if you never realize I have an undenying sense of love for you. Then theres not much I can do. Except keep trying. Lol”

Him-“I have a meeting at 12pm. Im going to let this cool off. Im not going to answer. I love you.

Me-“I know. She just comes with the territory. About two weeks ago you were still logged in on your facebook and i read a little snippet of conversation and she said she missed you. Not too long after that she showed up to a gathering I was specifically excluded from. She drove all the way to your work twice and now you’ll be in Texas together soon with a guy neither of you like. I feel like you’re keeping us separate. How she wanted it originally because she’s your friend. She’s never been mine. It is what it is. It just hurts. There’s nothing you can do. It’s all in my head.”

Him-“if you think im going to nationals just for her thats stupid. Im going for the team. Period. End of argument.”

Me-“I don’t think that. Your friendship with her and all the events that have lead up to this point makes me uncomfortable. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’m not trying to drive you crazy or away, it’s just how I feel. Do what you have to. I’m a member of a relationship advice site now. There are articles about how to overcome jealousy. I’ve been reading them quite a bit. Maybe they’ll help, maybe they won’t but it’s not your problem.”

Me-“Come to think of it, you’re going for the team, yes? Whos’ the team? You, her, and Andrew. You hate that guy. Well I guess Hiroshi and his daughter count. Anyway…I’ll leave you alone now.”

Any thoughts?

seems like he wont give up sophia for you. they could be having a brother-sister relationship. i dont think he;s likely to cheat ( i cant say he wont either) but maybe its fair if both of you compromise a bit. you adjust your jealousy and him reducing his time with sophia.

I think that his keeping you separate from the team is not appropriate. It's awfully big-hearted for you to say that this whole issue is your problem because it's his irresponsibility that's part of the problem. I've posted this elsewhere but I'll say it again -- opposite sex friendships come with a responsibility to one's s.o. If there's anything "exclusive" about the opposite-sex friendship, then there's something wrong -- or there's a set up for something going wrong.

It's cool that they're both into the same sport, but you should be able to go to their tournaments or classes or dinners afterward -- or whatever is reasonable. He needs to make it clear that you are his gf -- publicly and to the team and most especially to Sophia. If he's unwilling to do that, his behavior is the problem.