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Thread: FWB Relationships - How Should They Work?

  1. #1
    yahha42
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    FWB Relationships - How Should They Work?

    Hey all,

    It's been about 10 months since I've been in a relationship which also means I haven't had any sexual contact in that time. I'm fed up with dating and decided to get my stuff together. It may sound bad but I'm trying to find a new job that will take up most my time so I can avoid being in a relationship. I've lost all hope that there is someone out there for me.

    However, I figure I shouldn't cut off my personal needs for tension release, hence "sexual" needs. So...I figure a "fwb" relationship or having a "f-buddy" would be suitable.

    I started talking to this guy about a month ago. We discussed what we wanted and the barriers that should not be crossed while dealing with each other which included not sleeping with other people. We hooked up once, he dropped off the face of the earth for a month and then he contacts me a week ago with a new number. *suspicious*

    I decided to do some digging and found he is on multiple dating sites, giving a sap profile about finding a woman that would set a "class act" for his daughter (which he only sees every 2 weekends), he doesn't like playing head games, and he uses different last names on each site.

    With this, I wanted to see what his deal was for contacting me again. I already know for a booty call but to see if he is playing a head game himself.

    One thing that ticked me off about him is that he only contacted me when he wanted some. When I wanted some he never responds or gives an excuse.

    Something was telling me he may have slept with someone else or multiple women. With how STDs are now, I'm leaving the risk (him) alone.

    I sent him a text expressing he was wrong for contacting me again after dropping off the face of the earth, the "fwb" shouldn't work only when HE wants to hook up and gave him food for thought stating that he should consider how he wants his daughter to be treated by a guy when she gets older (if he truly cares).

    I've been crying off and on all day because I'm just so fed up with men and relationships. I don't understand the double standards. It seems guys can pick and choose who to deal with, have control over the situation and when to hook up with someone. But women get looked down upon and have to wait for when the guy comes around to get some.

    How does a FWB relationship really work? Both people should have a say on when to have an encounter right?

  2. #2
    mouseno4
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    Just a note - if you want to have a FWB, you either MUST ensure you simply cannot develop feelings for your buddy, or dont be 'friends' with them.

    ENA gets threads daily, from girls in a FWB arrangement who had developed feelings for her buddy.

    Some people believe (even girls) that FWB encounters should only be initiated by the male. And that due to a male's apparently greater sex drive, that the number of encounters males want is always more than what women would want and that the frequency should be fine. This isnt entirely true.

    Yes, the arrangement is meant to be fair for both parties - both male and female are meant to be able to call the other and say X time, X place and one or the other visit to provide the 'service'.
    Last edited by mouseno4; 06-13-2011 at 04:52 AM.

  3. #3
    yahha42
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    I guess it would be hard to explain this but I didn't develop feelings for him. I found him extremely attractive. I mean REALLY REALLY attractive but knew I didn't want to bring him around family or have a relationship with him. I just expected some maturity from him.

  4. #4
    jumper11
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    mouseno4 is right... women associate sex with emotions or we commonly will develop feelings, and I know men can too but it's more common with women if its a casual relationship or fwb's..

    I will admit to it - I've never had a fwb - but I started dating someone and it was a VERY new relationship and after I slept with him about 3 times, my feelings towards the person grew .. really fast. I knew a lot of it was caused by the the sexual aspect. Sure, I liked him before but sex just sealed the deal and made me really want to be with him. I'm still with him, but it's something I noticed.

    It's how we are so its best being avoided.. I know some people can do it but I don't hear of it being all that common.
    Last edited by jumper11; 06-13-2011 at 05:04 AM.

  5. #5
    jumper11
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    Even if you didn't develop feelings, I guess is what I'm saying , had you slept with him more you really may have. The outcome did leave you emotional regardless .. so, I'm left to believe there's a good chance you may have developed feelings had it continued.. The whole fwb just seems too complicated for me, really.

  6. #6
    mouseno4
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    I was reading all about this emotional attachment most women have with their f-buddies today. (due to the large number of cases ENA gets)

    Apparently the reason for this is due to a hormone in the female's brain that gets released during sex. Since it isnt very large, a few encounters are needed for it to be a large enough dose for the emotions to really come out. I forget the name of the actual hormone, but it is very similar to the hormone new mothers get which is associated with the child. If i find the research information i will post the link to it.

    OK this isnt what i had originally found, but it focuses on what i am talking about. link removed

    In addition to testosterone, studies done by Diane Witt, assistant professor of psychology, show that while in the act of sexual intercourse, the hormone oxytocin,
    a bonding hormone, is released. As a result, after a few "benefits" are received, even
    seeing your "friend" can trigger more of this hormone's release causing you to want to bond with that person.

    Witt's research also outlines that when this hormone is reduced, it could lead to destructive behavior. Oxytocin is released during sex, breast feeding and labor; which are supposed to be special moments, moments
    where a man and a woman bond. This is where FWB goes wrong. Although one may like to believe that there aren't going to be any "strings" attached, it is virtually unavoidable.
    Last edited by mouseno4; 06-13-2011 at 05:04 AM.

  7. #7
    yahha42
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    For the fact I haven't had any in a long while, with my sexual drive, I'm really frustrated. After my past experiences, I'm emotionally shut off. If I had a consistent encounter for "release" I wouldn't be upset.

  8. #8
    jumper11
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    Sex is one of the most personal acts - first off because you are naked and everything else mouseno4 added - so it's up to you - but I know myself and wouldn't care to put my head in for a loop because of hormones.. but it's totally up to you, obviously. People who can do it, thats fine, I don't have a problem with people who can do it, just be sure you can handle it.

  9. #9
    mouseno4
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    Then i suggest getting a pair of FMB's and visiting a night club or bar.

    (my sister actually took that advice literally once... :O kinda got a shock too)

    The only way ive heard of, for girls to get some 'action' at a constant rate - is to treat the guy literally like an inanimate physical sex object. Arrive, go to the bedroom, get undressed, have sex, get dressed and leave. No kissing, no pointless touching, sink the sub, get off and leave. Dont even speak.

    Trouble is, doing that is akin to treating the other really nasty.

    (tbqh if a female friend of mine wanted to find a FWB with a random guy i would buy them a dildo - so they get attached to it instead!)
    Last edited by mouseno4; 06-13-2011 at 05:20 AM.

  10. #10
    mad rabbits
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    I don't think you are coming at this from a good place. If you had simply said "I want to get laid and don't have time for a relationship" my advice might be different, but you prefaced your post saying that you are disillusioned with men and relationships and you are going to the extreme of getting a job with long hours so you don't have time for a relationship.

    If you are feeling that way, getting an fwb or f-buddy will likely make you feel worse. I know because I tried it myself. Having an uncommitted relation doesn't avoid the risks of commitment. In fact you end up with the worse of both worlds. The loss of love and no entitlement to grieve the love lost because it was never real in the first place.

    How did this come about? Well, i didn't want to date my guy or bring him around my family either, but as the posters above pointed out...I caught feelings.

    I tried to walk away from him several times and he would reel me back in by offering to make me dinner, telling he wanted to spend time outside the bedroom...as soon as I caved in and slept with him everything would go back to the way it was.

    Eventually he got a "real" girlfriend and just disappeared. Really great for the ol' self esteem!!

    If you don't want or can't have a relationship I would suggest you experiment with celibacy for a while. I feel a bit resentful that I can't have sex anymore but it also feels a lot healthier than what I was doing before.

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