If You Can't Take the Heat Stay Out of the Kitchen...

At least that is what I was told...

My fiance' asked me a question about my previous sexual history and when I answered it, she totally shut down on me. I think that was a bit unfair. If I ask a question about something whether it is past or present, I mentally prepare myself for whatever the outcome may be. Now...I am feeling like I do not want to share certain things with her now. I do not want to have that type of relationship but that is how she is making me feel? Any recommendations???

erm, discussing previous sexual history is a massive no-no! No possible good can come of answering that question.

The default reply is laughing and saying "no way pedro" then changing the subject. Repeat throughout relationship

I'm not sure why you think hiding your past is a good idea. Don't you want your wife to know everything about you? Your fiancé wants to know who she's marrying, so she asked you. Is there something you aren't proud of? If so you should tell her that. If you have a past she doesn't agree with and you don't regret your past, then maybe the two of you are not right for each other. I don't think you can fault her for wanting to know who you are.

erm, discussing previous sexual history is a massive no-no! No possible good can come of answering that question.

That isn't true in all relationships. Personally I have no issues with my partners sexual histories and enjoy hearing about them because I love them and past relationships and sexual experiences really shape the way we are today. I agree that if you are one of the people who can't deal with the fact that your partner had a life before you it's better not to ask. I just think people who can't handle it (or aren't willing to try) are missing out.

Instead of coming up with a bunch of rules to protect ourselves from the parts of our partners we can't handle I think we should be working on having more perspective.

OP, Yes it's annoying that she set herself up to get upset and she should have probably known better. But she is having real feelings. It's hard to be compassionate when you feel tricked. I think it would be worth while to sit down with her and talk to her about her reaction and how it made you feel.

Some people prefer a partner who has similar attitudes about sex. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with asking. I'm sure she wants to know that before she marries you. It might have been better broached early on, but I think it's reasonable that she wants to know about your past. You can answer without going into explicit detail. She probably can't help the way she feels about it or didn't realize it would bother her to that degree.

Personally, I would rather not know so I would never ask for details, so I can understand it from your perspective too. That being said, I would not want to be in a committed relationship with someone who had a ton of prior partners and a history of engaging in casual sex, but I think I could infer that with some pretty basic questions and time spent with her and friends.

I don't think he's saying there's anything wrong with her for wanting to know who he is... he just wants her to grow a pair and accept the answer to the question she asked instead of getting angry about it if it's an answer she doesn't like.

In my opinion, I don't think it's fair for her to shut down on you when you answer honestly. I think you should tell her that if she can't deal with the answer she should think before she asks the question. It would also probably be a good idea that you want to be able to have an open, honest relationship with her as you mentioned and tell her that her bad reactions to your answering her questions makes you feel hesitant about sharing things with her (which obviously shouldn't be the case).

I don't think you did anything wrong, it's perfectly fine to be open about things (in fact it's better that way), even concerning sexual history. She just needs to learn to accept your past because it's part of who you are, and if she can't then she shouldn't ask about it. In any case, the past is the past, and if you're with her now why does it matter what you did before?

Good advice from rosephase.

I did the same thing with my expartner. I had an idea as to what his number was, and when I finally worked up the nerve to ask (I promised myself I'd be strong), I ended up really upset.

The thing is - it wasn't the number that upset me, really (even though it was higher than I had expected), it was how ... it made me feel like a piece of meat. Instead of trying to understand why I was so hurt, my ex got upset because he felt I set him up for hurting me. That wasn't my intention. I just wanted to know more about him. Instead it ended up being a big mess.

Don't shut her out in the future for fear of her getting upset with you. That's counter intuitive. Instead, try to understand her perspective. Even if you don't agree to it, allowing her to express herself and feel the way she feels will go a long way. Likewise, you can tell her how you feel, and hopefully, she will be receptive to hearing your side of things.

Oh I don't think he did anything wrong either. Being honest is the right thing to do. It's up to her though whether she can accept the answer. I don't think she's being cold to him because he was honest. She's just having a hard time dealing with the answer. I'm sure she was hoping for something different. If it's a deal breaker for her than she obviously should have gotten that information much earlier before accepting a marriage proposal. Maybe she just needs some time to process her feelings.

I say to feel your partner out before sharing too much.

Some people like Rosephase are cool with it, me on the other hand.. I want an idea of history, but I don't need details.

Details can = disgust = degraded value.

Men I've dated who decided to tell me explicit sex stories, like I'm some buddy in a locker room, instantly turned me off. It made these men seem tactless, and when I'm hot for a guy, I only want to think about him with me.

Perhaps it's tied to the fragile ego? If your fiance told you she had a foursome with three well-hung athletes, perhaps it may make you feel uncomfortable. Next time she asks, instead of throwing this situation in her face, it may be better to remind her while you do have a sexual past, the specifics aren't important.

If you ask, you have to be prepared for the answer.

What the OP said was that he's hesitant to share details of his life with his fiancé because he is afraid of her reaction. To this I say he needs to grow a pair and realize you can't hide from your past because it defines who you are. You can't go around hiding who you are ever time it suits you. He has a past which is now coming back to haunt him - she may choose to accept that or not. There's certainly nothing wrong with her completely revising her view of who he is based on having all of the information and if her reaction is to be disgusted, well that's unfortunate for the both of them, but it's what happens when two peoples values clash. She has no obligation to 'deal' with something she doesn't agree with by accepting it or being happy about it - these are choices she may make, but they are more orless valid than her shutting down and deciding to bail because she doesn't like who he is.

She has no obligation to 'deal' with something she doesn't agree with by accepting it or being happy about it - these are choices she may make, but they are more orless valid than her shutting down and deciding to bail because she doesn't like who he is.

Wait. That is unfair. She does like who he is that is why they are together. She needs to grow up but that doesn't mean he can't help her do that. It is perfectly okay to have emotions around hard things and lets face it sex in this culture is difficult in one way or another for almost everyone. Just because she set herself up (and he feels tricked) doesn't mean he can't help her come to terms with the emotions she is having.

Is it fair that she shut down? There is no fair in emotions. As long as they are really what someone is feeling and not just a way to achieve an end by using emotional blackmail. There are not "right" and "wrong" emotions.

But we all need help keeping our emotions in prescriptive. We all want to know ourselves well enough to protect ourselves from avoidable unpleasant emotions but we can always surprise ourselves. One of the joys of being human.

Just because she had an emotional reaction doesn't mean she doesn't like who he is. Or that she just can't handle knowing his past. It means she is struggling. And we help our partners (if we can) when they are struggling. It's _very_ hard to do that when you feel wronged by what they are struggling over or you are struggling yourself but that is a committed relationship.

She asked, you answered honestly. Because she got upset means she has the problem and not you. I think she asked you and hoped for an answer she would like. People who ask questions and expect an answer they like have major issues and needs to wake up and see reality that the universe does not revolve around them at all.

Your fiancée needs to grow up or shut up.

Nothing can prepare you for player numbers when you dating someone you didn't expect to be a player. But these numbers give indication of the type of person you are and she is upset with her own misjudgement perhaps.

She liked who he was based on the information she had. Now she has a more complete and truthful picture of him and it's totally ok for her to decide she no longer likes, respects, or wants a future with him. It does not mean she is not 'grown up' because her values may be different than his, not is she any lesser of a person for this.

She liked who he was based on the information she had. Now she has a more complete and truthful picture of him and it's totally ok for her to decide she no longer likes, respects, or wants a future with him. It does not mean she is not 'grown up' because her values may be different than his, not is she any lesser of a person for this.

You are acting like a persons past is Who They Are. That simply isn't true. Your past shapes who you are but it is, in fact, the past. Also emotionally shutting down isn't the same thing as declaring because of this information she is leaving the relationship. It takes time to process new information.

And yes it might turn out that her values are different enough that she can no longer be happy in the relationship. But in my opinion if your partners sexual history can be a deal breaker you need to figure that out and be honest about it very early.

And yeah, I know it's just my opinion, but someone who would throw away an otherwise headed for marriage relationship because they can't understand that the past is the past is someone who needs to grow up. But nothing the OP said would lead me to believe that this is anything more then a rougher adjustment period that he can help her with.

We have no idea what someone will do in the future, the present becomes the past faster than you can speak, which leaves only the past. If you don't think pas actions are significant, talk to anyone in prison.

We have no idea what someone will do in the future, the present becomes the past faster than you can speak, which leaves only the past. If you don't think pas actions are significant, talk to anyone in prison.

You sir are a troll.

We have no idea what someone will do in the future, the present becomes the past faster than you can speak, which leaves only the past. If you don't think pas actions are significant, talk to anyone in prison.

Yes of course the past is significant. That is why I think it's important to share why I want to know information like sexual history of my partners because it helps me understand how they became who they are. If you love someone now you should be grateful for there past relationships and sex partners they are a big part of shaping the person who you love. Of course there are extremes but I honestly believe if you loved someone enough to agree to get married then you need to realize that there past is what allowed and fostered there growth.

Like I said if sexual history is a deal breaker then you need to be upfront about it and certainly not agree to get married without knowing that information. If you need to marry a virgin or someone who has only had sex in loving relationships or has a smaller number of sexual partners then you you should tell people that when you _start_ dating. Just like if you _need_ kink in your life or you _need_ to have an open relationship.

Again I don't think that is what is going on here.

If you have a list of demands of your partner you should print it out and hand it out on first dates.

Yeah I agree with those who say that talking about sexual history is a no no. Knowing the broad strokes of a persons past is appropriate, but asking for details of past sexual encounters is not something that needs to be discussed.

Nothing can prepare you for player numbers when you dating someone you didn't expect to be a player. But these numbers give indication of the type of person you are and she is upset with her own misjudgement perhaps.

I agree with this. It is the shock of finding out that your perceptions of the person and their past is not reality.

Sticking to my no-no. Relationships are hard enough without going over number of sexual partners.

Asking when they were last tested for STDs is fair game.

erm, discussing previous sexual history is a massive no-no! No possible good can come of answering that question.

 

The default reply is laughing and saying "no way pedro" then changing the subject. Repeat throughout relationship

 

I just wanted to be honest with her since she asked. I am not the one to volunteer that type of information

I'm not sure why you think hiding your past is a good idea. Don't you want your wife to know everything about you? Your fiancé wants to know who she's marrying, so she asked you. Is there something you aren't proud of? If so you should tell her that. If you have a past she doesn't agree with and you don't regret your past, then maybe the two of you are not right for each other. I don't think you can fault her for wanting to know who you are.

I never said that it was a good idea at all. No one wants to feel like crap for after they open up about a situation. Of course I want her to know but at the same time, I do not want to be penalized for something that I did in my past. I have no regrets at all, it was something that I wanted to do so I did it and loved every bit of it during that moment in my life. Just because she got upset about what I shared with her does not mean that we are not right for one another...it means that we are human and that we have feelings/

Glowguy...you are right about that. They crazy things is we both have simular attitudes about sex. I agree, there is nothing wrong with asking but at the same time, I feel like if you ask a question like that you need to be open minded about what you may or may not receive.