"I love you but I am too unhappy because of the LDR" - please advice me what now

If anyone could advice me on this situation I would appreciate it very much.

We have been together for five months, than five months in LDR. We couldn´t see each other every month for a week as we initially hoped (I was seriously ill once and than we had a money problem).

I was planning to move to him in a year or two and when I talked to him about it a month ago, he was completely fine with this time schedule.

Until recently I wasn´t aware he feels so unhappy about the situation, but couple of days ago he told me he needs to think about us and then wrote me a breakup e-mail.

He said he still loved me (I believe him in this), but was not happy in the relationship and felt too lonely. I think he was more unhappy than happy because of the distance.

I replied with an e-mail, where I remined him, that we should be able to see each other more often in the near future (he is supposed to move a bit closer to my city) and also holidays are coming, but agreed with the break up, because I don´t want him to feel so sad all the time.

We will schedule a skype call in about a week to talk it through.

Is there anything I could say to change his mind? Or anything I could do / don´t do?

I am thinking about proposing to try to get in touch in a year or two, when I will be in a position to move to him and than start the relationship from the beginning (if both of us will be single at that time). Could this work? Or is it just a false hope?

Its hard to tell. The distance thing makes sense for a break up. Its nearly happened to me before. Patience is the only thing that might win him over. Not to be mean, but it seems a bit extreme for one of you to move in order to save a relationship. If there are plans in the future to move near each other because of schooling or jobs, then I may see that working a little better. As for now, the only thing that will help you is to listen to him and hear his feelings. If he loves you, he will do things to save your relationship. Do the skype call and really try and figure out a middle ground. I can't guarantee that anything will work, but please don't try and change your life for him or stay in one place when he is moving on. Things happen for a reason, mostly for the best. Good Luck

Thank you. You have given me a bit of hope

I didn´t want to change my life because of him (that´s why the moving together was only after a year or two). But now I am not quite sure, if it wouldn´t be worth it.

It is just so sad, because I could very well imagine spendind the rest of my life with him. And so I would like to have another chance in a year or two after we have put our lives in order and gained more perspective.

Thank you. You have given me a bit of hope

 

I didn´t want to change my life because of him (that´s why the moving together was only after a year or two). But now I am not quite sure, if it wouldn´t be worth it.

 

It is just so sad, because I could very well imagine spendind the rest of my life with him. And so I would like to have another chance in a year or two after we have put our lives in order and gained more perspective.

Long distance is a crutch unless you have a specific date in which you will be reunited. Honestly, if two people love each other, and want to be with eachother, they will regardless of distance, especially if there is a time frame because distance is very hard to cope with.

I was in your position a couple years ago. I had a gf for a few months, then I left and we went LDR. I told her I was so unhappy being away from her that I wanted to break-up. We decided to meet in person to talk it through, and once we did we decided to make it last. All due to the fact she wanted to come be closer, and gave us hope that we would be with one another eventually.

I guess it depends on the individual, everyone is different, but I want to let you know it can work out if BOTH are willing to sacrifice the time. It seems both of you are second guessing it right now, so idk.. Anyways, I hope the best for you.

I guess it depends on the individual, everyone is different, but I want to let you know it can work out if BOTH are willing to sacrifice the time. It seems both of you are second guessing it right now, so idk.. Anyways, I hope the best for you.

I think it is misunderstanding - I meant to write, that now, when I feel I am losing him, I would be willing to reconsider and move to him earlier. Our problem is, that I don´t speak the language and finding a job or any friends beside him will be very difficult for me.

the bottom line is he is unhappy, so you guys will have to work something out to change that. and pronto! if something cant be done, then id hate to say it but maybe not being together would be the answer.

i know i couldnt do a LDR and if i did do one i would certaintly be upset when something, albeit no ones fault, kept me from seeing my guy.

Hmmm. Do you trust him enough that he will remain committed to you when you move up there?

This whole language barrier/ work problem changes the dynamic of your situation. It seems by moving to be with him you run a huge risk. What are you going to do if it doesn't work out once youre up there? I say do your own thing for awhile, enjoy yourself. I can tell you right now that he is unsure about your relationship status, and this is very risky in my opinion.

I think in regards to your OP that it is best to maybe contact him in a year or two, and see where you two stand.

the bottom line is he is unhappy, so you guys will have to work something out to change that. and pronto! if something cant be done, then id hate to say it but maybe not being together would be the answer.

I know, I cannot even make him into a "bad guy" in this, because this is how he feels. I have told him once, that I don´t want him to be more unhappy than happy because of me.

It seems by moving to be with him you run a huge risk. What are you going to do if it doesn't work out once youre up there?

I know it would have been really difficult. For a long time I would be really dependent on him and I wanted to avoid this situation.

I say do your own thing for awhile, enjoy yourself.

I will definitelly try It is not like I feel desperate about the break up, because I have been preparing myself for it during the last couple of days. It is just such a pity to lose someone like him because of the outsied problems.

I think in regards to your OP that it is best to maybe contact him in a year or two, and see where you two stand.

If I knew he will not fell in love till that time I wouldn´t hesitate at all, because it seems like the most reasonable solution to our problems. But, who knows what the future holds?

This is a very tough situation. I have lost someone very dear to me, because he couldn't deal with the distance.

Your situation also clearly shows when it comes to making a relationship work, love is only the first (albeit a very important) ingredient, but there are so many other things to consider.

Firstly, you have to take his feelings and his unhappiness seriously. You can't argue with how he is feeling. Yes other people may have managed to cope with a trans-ocean relationship for years, but that doesn't mean that he has to do the same thing. His first responsibility is to make sure that he is emotionally stable and happy. You can't expect him to disregard his personal boundaries for the sake of a relationship.

Secondly, what is the reason that you are currently long distance? I gather he is from a different country and a different cultural background. Would it be possible for either of you to move to be with the other? By possible I don't mean only the physical move, but what about job options, ability to learn the other language, are either of you the kind of person that could be living in a different country (it's on thing to be in a different country for some time, yet a whole other thing to be truly living and settling to another country; it's more difficult than people think at times and often people don't realize how much they need their own culture until they are living somewhere else); can you imagine that your kids would grow up in that country? Can you handle that your kids will grow up without seeing one part of their family on a regular basis? Is he living in a culture that you would be excited about becoming a part of?

If you can imagine him moving, or you moving. When could you make it happen, what are the things either of you would have to do to make it happen? Schooling? Job qualification? Visa requirements?

The thing about LDRs is they are forcing you to approach the relationship (in some aspects) with a much more rational mind that people are often willing to or much earlier than they may emotionally be ready for.

If you truly know that down the line either of you would be unhappy to live in a different country, then it's better to face it now and end the relationship.

Thank you for such a comprehensive reaction, Penelope.

We have met while we were both staying abroad and after half a year we got to our own countries. You are right, that when moving I would have to go through a lot of difficulties. Most problematic to me seems the language, our cultures are quite similar. I can imagine living in another country with him, but I realize it wouldn´t be easy.

I am thinking very rationally in this, don´t worry - I have considered difficulties in finding job, in being too dependent on him at the beginning and the need to know the language. That´s also why I would like to wait with me moving - to save some money, learn language and hopefully gradually find friends in his country, when visiting him.

But I really thought, that the life we could lead together in the end would be worth the difficulties.

Unfortunately you are not able to give him a specific date when you will feel ready for that move thus this unknown will make the dealing with a difference even harder. It's one thing to motivate yourself to get through a difficult phase when you know the end is in sight, but open ended it makes it sometimes unbearable.

The only thing you can do at this point is trying to figure out with him what is the one thing that makes it so tough on him and is there any way to alleviate this. Otherwise you may both have to go separate ways for the time being. Which doesn't mean that you can't contact each other in a few years when you both know where you stand with your individual lives (and if you are both single) if you want to give it another try.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to let him go and to give up on the emotions that I had for him.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to let him go and to give up on the emotions that I had for him.

Do you regret it or are you glad you have done it?

The problem is, that he doesn´t know what´s going to happen with him in the next three months - he may start working or continue to study and I cannot promise him anything specific, when he himself doesn´t know these basic things. I was hoping, that when he finds out more about his future, we will be able to have the talk.

The contact in few years instead of continuing in the relationship seems more and more probable...

Do you regret it or are you glad you have done it?

I don't think it's a question of being glad that I did it or not, but a question of accepting that given all the specific circumstances (logistically, where we both were emotionally and in our individual development etc) at the time, it was the right decision.

There is really no point in thinking about and having regrets because of what-ifs.

I definitely don't regret having met him and having loved him. I also grew so much as a person in the aftermath of the breakup and I have learned a lot of things about relationships, so that in my next relationship I could avoid making the same or similar mistakes. So no, I don't regret it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Gave me courage to face the future

The distance isn't for everyone. I'm in a 4,000 mile LDR and will be getting married this October and still remaining in a LDR for almost a year afterward - it's not easy. I can see why some people don't want to do the distance, how it's hard, because it is. You can't change his mind though if he can't handle it.

I know. It is just so sad, that the break up was caused by circumstances I cannot change.

We had the chat today (a week after he told me about his decision), but the connection was broken, so we are going to continue tomorrow. Basically he told me, that he feels like our relationship is not evolving anymore and that he doesn´t believe it can be successful. I am really sad, because we planned to spend a couple of weeks together (I have been arranging my new flat for us, but instead of that I will spend the summer alone...) and I believed, that it will give us a chance to renew the relationship and get close agian. But exactly a month before it could happen he gave up. It is so frustrating, that I just cannot go over to him and make him change his mind.

Anyway - the conversation will continue tomorrow, so wish me good luck.

So in the end we decided to take a break for a month or so, till we find out what is going to happen in the near future. I am pleased, that we decided to stay in touch and in case nothing will work out, I will have time to come to terms with it.

Good luck with everything!

Thank you. I hope you will be successful in everything you would like.