(Help, please...) 7 year Transgender relationship in need of advice

Hi,

I came accross this site hoping for...some input. Since I have absolutely no one to discuss this with, I thought reaching out here would perhaps be a good idea.

I've been with my transgendered boyfriend for 7 years. He is a 34 year old male to female, and I met him entirely male. He wishy-washes through the years being male, then being female, and has intense social anxiety. He never leaves the house, which I honestly don't have too much of an issue with. I had a few minor setbacks with the transgender aspect of himself at the beginning, mostly internal setbacks, but now am totally fine with seeing him as a woman and as a man. I buy him clothes for both sexes, just depending on how he feels that particular month.

Anyways, he's been talking more and more about being with men, which doesn't bother me. Generally, he offsets the news with "I am, and could not be, attracted to any woman in the world but you." So, we've had sex, but it's slowed down QUITE a bit.

This evening, when I came to bed, he told me that he wanted a boyfriend. I asked why, and he said that he was no longer attracted to me because I didn't have the male body parts, didn't act like one, dress like one, the whole bit. "We can still take care of each other and be best friends, though" he said.

Uh...I'm a bit perplexed. If it was anyone else, I would kick him out so fast that his head would spin, but we love each other so entirely- he's my soulmate, and I have no doubt that I am his. I've supported him for the past five years, and I'm only 24...but without hesitation. (I'm female, if you haven't grasped that yet.)

Any ideas?

It sounds like he is being pretty clear, he wants male partners but still very much loves you even if he isn't into women.

How do you feel about that?

Are you willing to have a very non-standard relationship with him?

Do you feel like your sexual needs are being met?

I'm curious as to what YOU are sexually attracted to. Maybe you just got into this relationship based purely on platonic love, but do you have other desires that you want to meet someday? It sounds like he does, and it's with guys. Could you find a way to transition this into a friendship, be there in each other's lives, and let go of the "boy/girlfriend/girlfriend status"? It sounds like the only reason you're still in that status is due to a dependency issue. You shouldn't have to carry the responsibility of taking care of him. He's got to know that too. You may have an incredible amount of empathy in you and that "caregiver" quality, but sometimes you have to realize that you can carry that quality to a fault by becoming someone's crutch. Being a crutch is actually so damaging to the other person's abilities. A lot of people when handed free money will spend it until that money is gone, only then will they realize that they need to get a job and find means of taking care of themselves. If you break up, maybe it'll be his cue to get his life together, face his fears, get out of the house, meet some guys, and live a meaningful life. And what about you? Maybe deep down inside you'd like to be taken care of? just a little, at least to the point of things being equal?

I'm really sorry, but i think he telling you that he has finally accepted that his gender identify is female and not male, and as such his romantic and sexual attachment will be to men, not women. So that means he doesn't want to be your partner anymore and wants to find a male partner. He wants to be best friends, but not lovers.

There is no reason you can't stay very close to him as a friend or more of a sister type relationship to him, but i think as far as romance goes he's ending it. And frankly, you shouldn't be supporting him as if he were a husband/BF if he has just declared he wants to date men and not you. He may have stayed with you this long because of his anxiety and because you are supporting him and he feels he has nowhere to go or way to support himself. If he's figured out he wants to be with a man rather than a woman, then he also needs to figure out how to support himself rather than you doing it.

So you need to talk to him about how he intends to move out and support himself since if he wants to see other people, he can't do it while living with you and you supporting him. I would not for a second agree to support him while he chases men and dumps you as a partner. That would really put you more in the role of being his mother than his partner if you pay all the bills and put a roof over his head while he runs around and dates men.

He needs to fully understand the consequences of this decision, that if he decides you are no longer his partner and lover, then he needs to stand on his own two feet and find his own place and support himself rather than you supporting him. I suspect if he has made this declaration to you, he may already have some guy in mind, perhaps someone he has met online. That is fine if he decides he must leave you as a BF, but he needs to take care of himself if he does and you need to stop financially supporting him. That part is no different than any relationship, in that if someone wants to leave you as a partner to pursue others, they shouldn't have the privilege of you still acting like their mommy and taking care of them and paying their bills.

At 24, you have your whole life to find a partner who wants to be with you and also wants romance and sex with you. He is basically telling you that is not his goal at all, in fact he wants to be buddies with you and have romance and a life with a man. You deserve a man who is a REAL partner, not someone who doesn't support himself and who isn't interested in being your lover and partner.

If it sounds too convoluted in your head, it probably is too convoluted. Get rid of him and get a NORMAL relationship. The wierdness will tear your life apart TRUST me.

If it sounds too convoluted in your head, it probably is too convoluted. Get rid of him and get a NORMAL relationship. The wierdness will tear your life apart TRUST me.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here and say that this sentiment is homophobic/transphobic. People in transgendered relationships are not "weird" or "not normal".

The issue here is similar to the classic "I'm no longer attracted to you but wish to remain friends" dilemma. It really comes down to what extent the OP could handle making the transition to being friends and if she would want to remain friends at all.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here and say that this sentiment is homophobic/transphobic. People in transgendered relationships are not "weird" or "not normal".

 

The issue here is similar to the classic "I'm no longer attracted to you but wish to remain friends" dilemma. It really comes down to what extent the OP could handle making the transition to being friends and if she would want to remain friends at all.

I'm not attracted to you, cuz I like my own gender. Sounds very "heterophobic" to me. I was in a relationship w/ 2 such twist like this. It's tough. I'm just giving my opinion.

I'm not attracted to you, cuz I like my own gender. Sounds very "heterophobic" to me. I was in a relationship w/ 2 such twist like this. It's tough. I'm just giving my opinion.

Not being attracted to the opposite sex doesn't make a person heterophobic. Being heterophobic would involve, for example, saying that opposite-sex relationships are weird or not normal.

And this scenario happens because we live in a heteronormative society, where everyone is raised and expected to be heterosexual. This results in many people pursuing these relationships when it really isn't for them. We need to combat this by encouraging a more inclusive society so people don't go into denial. Not by labeling other relationships as not normal.