wondering if there were any wise old heads there that might be able to addvise me here.
my ex girlfriend broke up with me two months ago(we are both mature adults, i am 28 and she is 34, we are/were very much in love with each other and although we are different, the love cant be questioned, of that im sure).
she suffered a death of a loved one and this coincided with the 3rd year anniversary of my fathers funeral which i didnt really deal with at the time. my way of coping was to shut down and not feel anything. i was worried about how i should be with her while she grieved and worked myself into a bit of a stress mess. when i did see her that night, i was extremely distant and positively cold.i am disgusted by my behaviour. i realised this and tried very much the next day to make up for it by being loving, we also had some misccomunication over the following days over whether she wanted me to attend the funeral, as i was not sure if she did want me there, i told her i want to be there for her, not matter what that entails.i did attend the funeral and was very attentitive to her needs.
that was on the wednesday, i handed in my dissertation on thrusday and on friday we met up in the afternoon, we were intimate, i could tell she was down and thought it was due to the grieving process, i asked if she wanted to talk about anything, and she told me she didnt see a future for us.
i was distarught. the next day we met up and she explained that she was feeling very down and needed to get herself back, she asked me for space for a month. but told me we were broken up.
i reacted very badly to this(upset, tears). i texted and rang and continued this sporadically throughout the month, never really giving her the space she needed. never was our contact angry or arguementitive and she consistently told me she loved me and we called each other by our pet names. we met each other accidentily in town one afternoon and went for a drink. she reinforced that she did not want a relationship at the moment but wanted to remain seeing each other and that she was unsure of whether we should be together. we kissed and held each other told each other we loved each other. this sent me into a spiral of drunken ringing and texting again over the weekend. i was so uspet.
the following week i rang her on monday morning and told her i couldnt do it and unless we were building back together i couldnt remain in contact facebook etc. she was very upset, we both were and there was no resolution. i lasted three days until friday when i rang her and we talked and it was far more positive and we told each other we loved each other. ifelt great and we texted that night back and forth. on the sunday i texted and got no reply, the same on monday. we spoke on the thursday and agreed to meet on friday.
we went for a drink. we spoke and cried and she reaffirmed that she could not gaurantee that we would get back together but that she would like to see me and catch up every few weeks. she said that she was angry with me for me upsetting her before work by ringin up and saying i could not stay in touch as it was too hard, this was why she didnt reply to my texts on mon/tues. she said that she was still grieving and couldnt be with anybody. she said that she couldnt continue us talking in circles about the relationship and wanted to get back to having fun together. we talked about other things and had great fun. we went back to my place and listened to music had another drink and were intimate with each other. she left an hour later as she was staying with her parents that night. we kissed and told each other we loved each other.
the following morning she came by to pick up her bag that she had left in mine. we wnet for tea and she told me she loved me and didnt regret last night. she also reiterated that she couldnt promise me that we would be back together. i walked her to the bus and kissed her goodbye. the folllowing monday i rang her and asked if she would like to go for a walk, she had plans but said she would like to some other time. we arranged to go out for pizza the following satruday.
i spent the whole week excited and anxiously looking forward to saturday. i didnt hear from her all week apart from a brief IM where she said she missed me and was looking forward to sat. my natural instict was to worry and think that she was fearing it. essentially by the time friday came i was a nevous wreck. she texted saying something had come up and she coudlnt make it friday and that could we do it the following week instead. i spontaneously rang up panicked and asked why (legitmate reason) and how was she feeling about meeting, she replied that she felt nervous and didnt know how she felt. i completely lost it, (not aggressive) just emotional i begged i pleaded i did all of the humilitating behaviour that we all know about. i was at my lowest ebb, it was like a build up of the previous 6 weeks of internal torture i had felt. she said that this was not healthy for me and although she would like to keep in limited contact and see each other occassioanly for now, she also said that my emotional upset had in ways made her more distant as she felt like she couldnt think when i was stressing her emotionally. she was in no way mean or bad in this, she never has been. i said ok
the following morning i rang her up to apologize for the previous evening.i asked her not to remember me as a blubbering mess and she said she doesnt think of me like that. she told me that maybe in the future we would have each other agin, but we both need time. she said she loved me and missed me and that i was the only man for her(using our pet names) and i said the same. i asked her to call me, and she said she would but not for a 'long time'. we hung up
that was 20 days ago, i sent one drunken text message int he first week to which i got no reply, that hurt, otherwise nc.
i am heartbroken. i know that this girl is the one for me, we were moving in together at the end of the summer and we were planning in going on holiday where i was going to propose. i have no doubt that she loves me, we have a real loving connection and bond. i havent provided much info on the intimacy of our relationship but to put it in perspective, she has never had a relatiosnhip where she has had a connection with a man like she has with me(her words), and i have been previosuly married and although loved my ex wife for a period, i really didnt think love of this value existed. we rarely argued and although lead different lives always showed each other how much the other meant. i feel guilty about my lack of support when she needed me and how i lost her trust, however my own issues with my father sdeath really highjacked me.
she is far more resilient than i am and i knwo if she feels we need three or six months nc to calm, then she will maintain it. i on the other hand am impulsive and impetuous and feel like i need to act.
these last 20 days have been hell, as have the last two months, i think about it constantly, i have moments where i convince myself she will realise and come round, and then i think that she will say that it is too much past to overcome. and then this plunges me back into darkness.i know if hse rings and i am still broken it wont help anyone but i just cant seem to heal. i spend about an hour a day thinking, will i just text or ring, then will i ring her at work.will i show up.
all the nc advice said that it woudldget easier but its not, i have been excercing like crazy gym every day and socialising with mates but, oftentimes i am distant thinking about her.
i really want her back, but know that rather than getting back together now a quick fix, we need to begin a new relationship together if we are goign to work, and i certainly dont want to have to go through this again.
do people think she will come back?
how long is a long time?
do you think i have destroyed my chances with my emotional upset?
how long do i go with no contact? when will i start to feel better?
am i a fool to cling to my hope?
really appreciate anyones advice