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Thread: clinging to hope, am i a fool?

  1. #1
    sronmor

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    clinging to hope, am i a fool?

    hiya folks,

    wondering if there were any wise old heads there that might be able to addvise me here.

    my ex girlfriend broke up with me two months ago(we are both mature adults, i am 28 and she is 34, we are/were very much in love with each other and although we are different, the love cant be questioned, of that im sure).

    she suffered a death of a loved one and this coincided with the 3rd year anniversary of my fathers funeral which i didnt really deal with at the time. my way of coping was to shut down and not feel anything. i was worried about how i should be with her while she grieved and worked myself into a bit of a stress mess. when i did see her that night, i was extremely distant and positively cold.i am disgusted by my behaviour. i realised this and tried very much the next day to make up for it by being loving, we also had some misccomunication over the following days over whether she wanted me to attend the funeral, as i was not sure if she did want me there, i told her i want to be there for her, not matter what that entails.i did attend the funeral and was very attentitive to her needs.

    that was on the wednesday, i handed in my dissertation on thrusday and on friday we met up in the afternoon, we were intimate, i could tell she was down and thought it was due to the grieving process, i asked if she wanted to talk about anything, and she told me she didnt see a future for us.

    i was distarught. the next day we met up and she explained that she was feeling very down and needed to get herself back, she asked me for space for a month. but told me we were broken up.

    i reacted very badly to this(upset, tears). i texted and rang and continued this sporadically throughout the month, never really giving her the space she needed. never was our contact angry or arguementitive and she consistently told me she loved me and we called each other by our pet names. we met each other accidentily in town one afternoon and went for a drink. she reinforced that she did not want a relationship at the moment but wanted to remain seeing each other and that she was unsure of whether we should be together. we kissed and held each other told each other we loved each other. this sent me into a spiral of drunken ringing and texting again over the weekend. i was so uspet.

    the following week i rang her on monday morning and told her i couldnt do it and unless we were building back together i couldnt remain in contact facebook etc. she was very upset, we both were and there was no resolution. i lasted three days until friday when i rang her and we talked and it was far more positive and we told each other we loved each other. ifelt great and we texted that night back and forth. on the sunday i texted and got no reply, the same on monday. we spoke on the thursday and agreed to meet on friday.

    we went for a drink. we spoke and cried and she reaffirmed that she could not gaurantee that we would get back together but that she would like to see me and catch up every few weeks. she said that she was angry with me for me upsetting her before work by ringin up and saying i could not stay in touch as it was too hard, this was why she didnt reply to my texts on mon/tues. she said that she was still grieving and couldnt be with anybody. she said that she couldnt continue us talking in circles about the relationship and wanted to get back to having fun together. we talked about other things and had great fun. we went back to my place and listened to music had another drink and were intimate with each other. she left an hour later as she was staying with her parents that night. we kissed and told each other we loved each other.

    the following morning she came by to pick up her bag that she had left in mine. we wnet for tea and she told me she loved me and didnt regret last night. she also reiterated that she couldnt promise me that we would be back together. i walked her to the bus and kissed her goodbye. the folllowing monday i rang her and asked if she would like to go for a walk, she had plans but said she would like to some other time. we arranged to go out for pizza the following satruday.

    i spent the whole week excited and anxiously looking forward to saturday. i didnt hear from her all week apart from a brief IM where she said she missed me and was looking forward to sat. my natural instict was to worry and think that she was fearing it. essentially by the time friday came i was a nevous wreck. she texted saying something had come up and she coudlnt make it friday and that could we do it the following week instead. i spontaneously rang up panicked and asked why (legitmate reason) and how was she feeling about meeting, she replied that she felt nervous and didnt know how she felt. i completely lost it, (not aggressive) just emotional i begged i pleaded i did all of the humilitating behaviour that we all know about. i was at my lowest ebb, it was like a build up of the previous 6 weeks of internal torture i had felt. she said that this was not healthy for me and although she would like to keep in limited contact and see each other occassioanly for now, she also said that my emotional upset had in ways made her more distant as she felt like she couldnt think when i was stressing her emotionally. she was in no way mean or bad in this, she never has been. i said ok

    the following morning i rang her up to apologize for the previous evening.i asked her not to remember me as a blubbering mess and she said she doesnt think of me like that. she told me that maybe in the future we would have each other agin, but we both need time. she said she loved me and missed me and that i was the only man for her(using our pet names) and i said the same. i asked her to call me, and she said she would but not for a 'long time'. we hung up

    that was 20 days ago, i sent one drunken text message int he first week to which i got no reply, that hurt, otherwise nc.

    i am heartbroken. i know that this girl is the one for me, we were moving in together at the end of the summer and we were planning in going on holiday where i was going to propose. i have no doubt that she loves me, we have a real loving connection and bond. i havent provided much info on the intimacy of our relationship but to put it in perspective, she has never had a relatiosnhip where she has had a connection with a man like she has with me(her words), and i have been previosuly married and although loved my ex wife for a period, i really didnt think love of this value existed. we rarely argued and although lead different lives always showed each other how much the other meant. i feel guilty about my lack of support when she needed me and how i lost her trust, however my own issues with my father sdeath really highjacked me.

    she is far more resilient than i am and i knwo if she feels we need three or six months nc to calm, then she will maintain it. i on the other hand am impulsive and impetuous and feel like i need to act.

    these last 20 days have been hell, as have the last two months, i think about it constantly, i have moments where i convince myself she will realise and come round, and then i think that she will say that it is too much past to overcome. and then this plunges me back into darkness.i know if hse rings and i am still broken it wont help anyone but i just cant seem to heal. i spend about an hour a day thinking, will i just text or ring, then will i ring her at work.will i show up.

    all the nc advice said that it woudldget easier but its not, i have been excercing like crazy gym every day and socialising with mates but, oftentimes i am distant thinking about her.

    i really want her back, but know that rather than getting back together now a quick fix, we need to begin a new relationship together if we are goign to work, and i certainly dont want to have to go through this again.

    do people think she will come back?

    how long is a long time?

    do you think i have destroyed my chances with my emotional upset?

    how long do i go with no contact? when will i start to feel better?

    am i a fool to cling to my hope?

    really appreciate anyones advice

    cheers

    the sron

  2. #2
    mhowe
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    you've got to disconnect a bit. Your over emotional reactions to her having to cancel out on a get together, you're losing it --- it's putting pressure on her she doesn't want/can't deal with now. She says she wants to go back to having fun instead of the constant "what do you think/feel". So, in order to honor your relationship, your love and your connection, give her the space she requested! No drunken phone calls (very bad form), no emails, text, drive bys.....nothing. Trust your heart and hers, and as I hate the term NC, "let go with love". Let her miss you, and let her find you, when she is ready, happy, upbeat and less needy.

  3. #3
    Eocsor
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    Will she come back? No one knows, maybe not even her. It's up to you how long you want to hang on in hope of a reconcilliation. How much pain can you take? Honestly, it sounds like she's slowly separating from you and moving on. You can go NC, Limited contact, pursue her with all your might or any variation thereof and it may not make any difference in the world.

    Two months is a very short time and it may take a lot longer before the pain goes away. Keep doing what makes you happy in life. Some days will be crap but some will be OK. And eventually you will get to a place where you just won't care.

    She's made a choice. Respect it and go on with your life as if she isn't coming back. The future will take care of itself, you have to concentrate on surviving the now.

  4. #4
    corgidude
    Bronze Member corgidude's Avatar
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    I feel for you, man... I went through a lot of the same madness myself. A week or so after we'd split, I was convinced I could fix things if we just talked. I tried on 4 separate occasions to smooth things over and fix things. -I even apologized for things that really weren't my fault, sacrificing myself to save our relationship. None of it worked, and all I succeeded in doing was to piss her off at me the last time we talked. (I stupidly tried to clear the air because it felt like she was mad at me... dunno for sure if she was then, but after THAT conversation... Hoo boy, was she mad at me) As much as we think these things will help, all they do is cause harm because we (the dumpees) show ourselves in a position of weakness. They feel bad for us, but they also resent us for making them feel bad about the breakup. I'm not criticizing your reactions... humans are emotional beings, and we react emotionally long before logic can override our emotional responses.

    To answer your questions as best I can:

    do people think she will come back? It's impossible to say, unfortunately. You can get advice on how to properly handle things, which will keep your chances from getting worse. Ultimately, whether or not she comes back is a decision that only she will make. All you can do is work on yourself and be in a strong enough position to build a new relationship with her, or move on if she decides not to come back. Right now, you're not in that position. Showing emotional strength is an attractive trait, and right now, it's not one you're able to show. If she can't feel that attraction to you, she's even less likely to want to come back. That's why NC is important: it forces you to learn to live without that person, and allows you to rebuild that strength.

    do you think i have destroyed my chances with my emotional upset?
    Not necessarily, although in all honesty, it didn't help. Seeing you were hurt made her feel bad, and she will begin to resent you for making her feel that way. Right now, you need to stop reaching out to her completely if you want to have a chance to erase some of that. By not reaching out, you appear to be less needy and clingy. NC allows you to not only focus on healing yourself, but to show greater emotional strength to your ex. It's never bad to show your ex you've developed emotional strength, but don't forget, it's more important for YOU to regain that strength, not for your ex to see or think you've developed it.

    how long do i go with no contact? when will i start to feel better?
    There is no magical number of days, weeks, months. Ideally, you want her to reach out to you, not the other way around. If she doesn't reach out to you, then continue going with NC until you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that talking to her or seeing her won't send you right back to where you are now. Once you reach that point, you can sit down and evaluate whether or not you truly want to reconcile. As far as when you'll feel better, that really depends on you. Right now, you still haven't fully accepted that this has happened. Once you accept it, things will become easier. It took me over 3 weeks before I hit that point, but I do feel much, much better than I did even a week ago. This is another reason NC is important: each time you initiate contact, especially this recently, it makes it harder to accept that things are truly over.

    am i a fool to cling to my hope?
    This isn't a question that has a black and white answer, really. All I can say is that for me, clinging to that tiny shred of hope I had was what kept me from accepting that things were really over. As long as I clung to that shred of hope, I let thoughts about my ex and getting back together completely dominate my life. Once I let go of that and accepted that things were over, I was able to finally go a day without being on the verge of tears every time I thought about her. This is my own personal experience, though others might have a different outlook in regards to this.

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