Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: One night stand vs Making love

  1. #1
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female

    One night stand vs Making love

    My relationship is a bit shaky at the moment.
    I have issues to open up and trust him, he expects me to commit to him more after 6 months etc.
    So our sex life has gone down the hill.
    He rejects me.

    So on Sunday, we hadn't had sex for a whole week, I was trying as usual to flirt with him, but respected when he said again no. I was still feeling a bit edgy though. Then I was online and made some stupid test that told me I might not be completely straight (I am). Told this to my boyfriend and he answered that wow, then there is still hope for him for a threesome. ?! I must say I somehow lost it then. For almsot two months he has been rejecting me day after day, having sex with me maybe once a week and even then.. well more out of duty than passion. What made it worse for me is that he has been promiscuous in the past and has told me he has had threesomes. So I felt like I cant handle it anymore, like I am clearly not good enough for him..

    Anyway, we ended up discussing why he doesnt want to have sex with me anymore and he told me he needs us to be okay as he must feel all the love and good things between us to be passionate. I continued to ask about the numerous onenightstands and how come he was able to be passionate with them without the love/commitment etc. And he told me "With a onenightstand it is easier". By then I completely lost it. What I understood is that it is easier for him to desire a random $&"& at a club and take her to his bed and make passionate sex, than desire me. I really dont know how else to take it.

    I asked him to drop the subject and we have been sweeter with each other ever since, ignoring the problem, no sex of course. But now the tables have turned.. I cannot imagine making love with him, I got rejection after rejection and now I feel that I am even below the onenightstands. If I would meet him at a club tonite I would have more chance to feel his passion than now living in the same house, sharing his bed every night.

    He says he loves me and I only feel like this cos I have trouble committing and I'm looking for excuses. That if I believe in us more, he will get his passion back and everything will be okay.

    Any advise is welcomed, but most of all.. please peopel explain me how it is easier for him to desire a onenightstand than a woman he loves, me. How can it be EASIER for him to have sex with a stranger than make love to me?
    Last edited by annalisa84; 05-24-2011 at 07:04 AM.

  2. #2
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female
    I know my post is long and most likely doesn't make much sense, but even telling me I am overreacting is a very helpful advice

  3. #3
    dullmoment05
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    7
    I don't completely understand the situation, but I can related to one night stands being very different from being in a relationship. One night stands are purely physical. What aren't you committing to? He may either feel rejected by you on an emotional level and therefore can't or will not be physical with you. The other option could be he is using the physical part of the relationship as a tool to get you to commit to him more, which is wrong but people do it.

  4. #4
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks, dullmoment05!
    I know my post doesn't take much sense as I was writing as fast as I could in the office

    All I want to know is why my boyfrined is saying that being passionate with a onenightstand is easier than with his long term girlfriend, me?!
    This sentence makes me feel really really bad and i was wondering whether there is any not hurtful explination to this.
    Last edited by annalisa84; 05-24-2011 at 10:32 AM.

  5. #5
    Batya33
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    41,239
    Thanked
    2026
    I don't think it matters why he feels the way he does since it has no relevance to the issues you have between you. It sounds like neither of you wants to make love to the other person right now - that is the only issue. It's easier to focus on analyzing why he can have sex with strangers but not with you because they're strangers and the analysis is not as personal or difficult. But I'd focus on the only real issue if I were you and figure out if the passion and feelings/connection between you can be revived not just so you'll want to have sex but so you'll want to be intimate emotionally and physically whether or not intercourse is involved.

  6. #6
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female
    I have been working on this intimacy issue for almost two months now.
    First I tried to seduce, flirt etc.
    But I have higher sexual libido than he does, so he asked me just to back off a bit.
    I was allowed to initiate but when he said no, I had to back off - no pressure.
    But then he asked me to stop asking for sex all together.
    And last week it went as far as he asked me not to kiss him goodnite with a tongue or longer than 15 seconds, just a peck and done.
    I'm not joking.

    So he is REALLY refusing to have sex with me.
    Well usually once a week we do have and he is great in bed.. but I can feel that he is not really into it.

    He tells me that it is because he needs everything in realtionship to be okay to feel passionate and have sex, but how come did he have so many onenightstand then.
    His answer was.. it is easier with onenightstands.

    I dont know what to do anymore.
    I love him and I want to work on our relationship issues, but I mean.. nothing so dramatic has happened that it woudl make sense to give up sex all together!
    I miss feeling ike a woman, like he desires me.. like thsi realtionship satisfies me!

    Any suggestions?

  7. #7
    lostandhurt
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    52
    Posts
    6,321
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1653
    I can see how being rejected has made you feel this way but I see his point very clearly because I am a man.

    I have had one night stands were it was all about raw sex and then I was with my ex and we made love. Trust me when I tell you what he wants with you (making love) is so much better than just banging some strange that you meet in a bar. Basically a one night stand is two people using each other for sexual gradification and making love is totally unselfish and giving.

    He sounds like if he can't have the unselfish love making he desires he doesn't want anything. It may be a game which I don't like but you have to admire his wil power as I would have caved and jumped your bones!

    He is refusing to just have sex as he wants it to be more. It isn't that he doesn't want you, he just wants ALL of you, not just your body.

    Lost

  8. #8
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female
    Wow, lostandhurt!
    The reason you offered makes me feel a little bit better as it is somehow what he has been trying to tell me and its good to hear that it actually could be true as other people have felt the same.
    But I guess by now I am so unsatisfied and rejected that I still envy those strangers who at least got the "raw sex".
    Nonono.. I'm definitely jealous as they got to know his passion and all i get is rejection.

    At any rate, my Enotalone friends, how can I convince my boyfriend to have sex with me again?

  9. #9
    testcase
    Platinum Member testcase's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    East Coast
    Posts
    1,288
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    38
    I just think you two have different libidos and obviously this is a big problem for you. I think the him you see now is pretty much the real him. Sure he could up the sex a bit to make you happy, which he should do... but deep down I just think his interest in sex isn't on the same level yours is. Also I don't think one night stands has any bearing on this issue. One night stand is pure physical sex that is new and exciting. I'm sure the first time you two had sex it was awesome, new and exciting. I think now that it's evening out a bit and that excitement is gone he's settled in to his regular once or twice a week libido. Just my opinion. Seems like it's more about sex to you than it is to him.

  10. #10
    annalisa84
    Gold Member annalisa84's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Female
    But we have been together only 6 months!!!!
    I understand that sex might be a routine after some years.. but 6 MONTHS!!!

    So what am i supposed to do?
    To accept that it is easy for him to get excited about someone new like a onenighststand or a new girlfriend.
    But rathet dofficult to be passionate about someone you date longer, you see on a daily basis, you live with and are in love with.

    I mean that would be devasting as that woudl mean we shoudl break up!
    There is no way I want to keep having a relationship where we have sex once a week when I am 26!!!
    And secretly he would please himself thinking about some strangers or even worse look for excitement from onenightsstands and cheat on me.

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
Anyway to orgasm faster? Male
I have a different problem from the norm I usually hear about. Just wondering if anyone has any insight. I'm gonna start dating again and God
Happily married but attracted to....
My best friend! Help?! Can I be happily married, satisfied with my husband (including sexually!), and attracted sexually to my best friend but not
I don't view sex as part of love/I view sex as a standalone thing
Ok, so I want to get other peoples' insight on this thing I recently discovered about myself. Now, I wouldn't say this is a "problem" because I have
Featured Threads
Weird crazy breakup
Here goes. We was together 4 and a half years, lived together for the most of that with her grandparents, yeah moved in pretty quick because of
is my bf racist? is there a future?
I am a bit dumbfounded and confused.. pls comment.. I have been dating my bf for 3 years. I look asian and he looks european. Things have not always
Great conversation but she Ghosted me?!
When I asked for her phone number, she kinda looked at me (the really dude? face). I knew it was over, but seriously it bothers me that we had a
My Girlfriend's Extreme Anger and Dramatic Behavior Are Ruining Our Relationship
This is gonna be a long one. Bear with me.. Okay, so this is my absolute first post on any forum ever. I am a 21 year old male, and I am currently in
Wrapping your head around an incurable condition
How does one do that ? While my condition is not fatal it is incurable and my life quality will steadily deteriorate over time. Most possible will
My mom kept a secret for 28 years
I'm 28 years old, my mom always told me to not sleep around, said she never slept w anyone till she got married, etc. well randomly tonight she tells
Confusing relationship with ex
So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. There was a lot of hurt, I was really depressed for the first weeks until I got back on my feet and
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •