How to get back an ex with avoidant attachment style?

After reading some books on attachment theory (He's Scared, She's Scared, etc), I'm inclined to categorized my ex as a having a fearful avoidance attachment style. We went out for about 9-10 months, and have been NC/very low contact for about 2 months since the breakup (I was the dumpee). The signs were there, from low self-esteem to distancing tactics to general indecision about life issues. I do realize that this is something that she has to realize for herself and work on, but still...

The common thought is to just let these avoidant personalities go and never look back. Believe me, I've been working hard to move on, but I also can't help but retain a glimmer of desire to work things out with her. I'm maintaining some skepticism that all is necessarily lost with all fearful avoiders.

Has anyone had any successful experiences winning back a person with this avoidant attachment style? What is the best approach?

With NC and very low contact, is it likely that these types will feel enough emptiness to question their decision and initiate reconciliation contact?

Trying to not hope too much or look far ahead, but is it productive to help them work through the attachment issue if you do get back together? (I realize I have my own issues to work on, as well.) How do you evolve a relationship with a fearful avoider?

It's my personal opinion that if a dumper wants to be with you and KNOWS in their heart that you are the love of their love, they will stop being "scared" and let you know.

Sorry that it might not fit with the convinient theory and it doesn't give your dumper any excuses, and it also makes you face the truth (your ex doesn't want you enough), but that's the way it is.

They might occasionally resurface if everyone else has walked away from them, especially if you have something they want, but hopefully by that time, the dumpees self-esteem and clarity of mind will be restored to such a level that the dumpee would no longer wish to be in a one-sided relationship and is attracted to healthy people.

having a fearful avoidance attachment style

That's basically someone's psychobabble buzz word which really means "the person is emotionally messed up, not relationship material and not worth losing sleep over". When someone really really wants to be with a person they don't "run scared", they stick around and don't let fears get in the way. People do exactly what they want to do...when someone walks away from a relationship that is exactly what they want to do...if they really wanted the relationship they wouldn't walk away, fear or no fear. It is best that you see her for who she really is and wash your hands of her. She may come back..but maybe by that time you will no longer be interested in someone who could just walk away from you like that.

After reading some books on attachment theory (He's Scared, She's Scared, etc), I'm inclined to categorized my ex as a having a fearful avoidance attachment style. We went out for about 9-10 months, and have been NC/very low contact for about 2 months since the breakup (I was the dumpee). The signs were there, from low self-esteem to distancing tactics to general indecision about life issues. I do realize that this is something that she has to realize for herself and work on, but still...

 

The common thought is to just let these avoidant personalities go and never look back. Believe me, I've been working hard to move on, but I also can't help but retain a glimmer of desire to work things out with her. I'm maintaining some skepticism that all is necessarily lost with all fearful avoiders.

 

Has anyone had any successful experiences winning back a person with this avoidant attachment style? What is the best approach?

 

With NC and very low contact, is it likely that these types will feel enough emptiness to question their decision and initiate reconciliation contact?

 

Trying to not hope too much or look far ahead, but is it productive to help them work through the attachment issue if you do get back together? (I realize I have my own issues to work on, as well.) How do you evolve a relationship with a fearful avoider?

I would really love to know how your situation ended up. I'm literally in the same exact boat right now and on my 3rd week of no contact. Did not beg or plead but I also didn't leave the door open. Did she end up contacting you, if so, for what purpose?

I would really love to know how your situation ended up. I'm literally in the same exact boat right now and on my 3rd week of no contact. Did not beg or plead but I also didn't leave the door open. Did she end up contacting you, if so, for what purpose?

This thread is 8 years old. The OP probably isn't still around to reply.

I’m answering this post because I spent months reading these blogs and asking the same questions. I got back with my avoidant ex (and then we broke up again). We dated 6 months the first time. Then he dumped me. I didn’t take it well. I had trouble letting go. About a month after our break-up, I texted him and we started casually texting only with each other.

Ironically, we started the cycle of those with avoidant attachment (him) and anxious attachment (me) by text. We’d text casually at first, then the conversation would get deeper and more intimate until he pushed me away. I felt rejected each time, and it hurt my feelings. I’d take a break from him. Then when I felt better and missed him, I’d text again. Rinse and repeat. About 10 months after the break-up we were still doing this by text only. He rejected me and I took a break. I started casually dating someone else after a rejection from him.

11 months after the break up, I was breaking up with with one month of casual dating guy, and my ex asked me out. I hadn’t seen him in 11 months. I asked why he asked me out now and he said that he started to miss me every time I took a break from him. We ended up dating a year and a half that time, doing the cycle over and over. The relationship status quo was fine for him. It was hurtful for me. He wouldn’t say I love you and was constantly pushing me away when I got close.

Finally, I asked him to let me go if he didn’t love me and he said okay. I know that he can’t meet my needs and I will never be happy with him but still feel a huge need to be with him. We are only at a week no contact since the 2nd break-up now. In some of the other blogs I read, people recommended reading the book “Attachment.” I did, and there we were in. All and white, as if someone wrote the book about us.

This attachment theory is very important to learn

can't find a book with that title on amazon - do you have an author?

The thread is 8 Years old. Google it.

can't find a book with that title on amazon - do you have an author?

I find that people with avoidant attachment styles don't like to be pushed, things have to be their idea to be comfortable. They want to be loved, and don't want to feel like they've let you down or failed in any way. I suggest giving them space, with a light text message every few days or so, a phone call once a week. If they don't respond, they're not ready yet (as long as they haven't told you to leave them alone). Work on yourself, show them life goes on without them, get a haircut, new clothes, get help for your own anxiety issues (if you have any), fill your life, and don't push, beg or plead. If they say they can't be with you, just respond as "ok." Let them know that being friends will not work in the long run because one of you will start dating someone. Don't do no contact! Just try every four days or so. Show them that you can be away from them, but you're still there (not indefinitely, but for now). Hope that helps!

I find that people with avoidant attachment styles don't like to be pushed, things have to be their idea to be comfortable. They want to be loved, and don't want to feel like they've let you down or failed in any way. I suggest giving them space, with a light text message every few days or so, a phone call once a week. If they don't respond, they're not ready yet (as long as they haven't told you to leave them alone). Work on yourself, show them life goes on without them, get a haircut, new clothes, get help for your own anxiety issues (if you have any), fill your life, and don't push, beg or plead. If they say they can't be with you, just respond as "ok." Let them know that being friends will not work in the long run because one of you will start dating someone. Don't do no contact! Just try every four days or so. Show them that you can be away from them, but you're still there (not indefinitely, but for now). Hope that helps!

I can really relate to this in a lot of ways as I'm myself a fearful-avoidant due to really bad experiences in the past with the girls I got involved with. I screwed one up recently with a girl who I actually didn't have any problems with, but because things were going so fast and felt pressured, I pushed her away to the point where I encouraged her to meet someone else. Things didn't really go past the friend with benefits stage but we spent a lot of time together and seemed as though we were exclusive.

Now that she's moved onto someone else, I'm now regretting it terribly and feel like I made a huge mistake, which I have. It's the second time this has happened to me now. My original thread when I first opened my account described a similar situation with the girl I was with previous to her a few years ago.

It taught me a lot of crucial lessons...

I think the key thing for someone who's with a fearful-avoidant is to have patience and give them the support they need to slowly open up. Slowly instilling the trust in them so they can do so because their biggest fear is being let down and getting their heart completely broken.

In terms of the fearful-Avoidant, I would recommend therapy or taking baby steps. Do one small thing with the person you're with that makes you slightly uncomfortable. Once you get the green light that it's ok, then take another step, then another, until you're completely comfortable to open yourself up completely.

The great news for me at least is that I'm still in touch with my recent ex with no bad blood between us. So if anything, if her relationship doesn't work out and assuming i'm still single, we could potentially try again.

Thread closed.