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Thread: How to get back an ex with avoidant attachment style?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The thread is 8 Years old. Google it.
    Originally Posted by TestTest
    can't find a book with that title on amazon - do you have an author?

  2. 10-16-2019, 05:39 AM

  3. #12
    I find that people with avoidant attachment styles don't like to be pushed, things have to be their idea to be comfortable. They want to be loved, and don't want to feel like they've let you down or failed in any way. I suggest giving them space, with a light text message every few days or so, a phone call once a week. If they don't respond, they're not ready yet (as long as they haven't told you to leave them alone). Work on yourself, show them life goes on without them, get a haircut, new clothes, get help for your own anxiety issues (if you have any), fill your life, and don't push, beg or plead. If they say they can't be with you, just respond as "ok." Let them know that being friends will not work in the long run because one of you will start dating someone. Don't do no contact! Just try every four days or so. Show them that you can be away from them, but you're still there (not indefinitely, but for now). Hope that helps!

  4. #13
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    Originally Posted by Sarahjanes
    I find that people with avoidant attachment styles don't like to be pushed, things have to be their idea to be comfortable. They want to be loved, and don't want to feel like they've let you down or failed in any way. I suggest giving them space, with a light text message every few days or so, a phone call once a week. If they don't respond, they're not ready yet (as long as they haven't told you to leave them alone). Work on yourself, show them life goes on without them, get a haircut, new clothes, get help for your own anxiety issues (if you have any), fill your life, and don't push, beg or plead. If they say they can't be with you, just respond as "ok." Let them know that being friends will not work in the long run because one of you will start dating someone. Don't do no contact! Just try every four days or so. Show them that you can be away from them, but you're still there (not indefinitely, but for now). Hope that helps!

    I can really relate to this in a lot of ways as I'm myself a fearful-avoidant due to really bad experiences in the past with the girls I got involved with. I screwed one up recently with a girl who I actually didn't have any problems with, but because things were going so fast and felt pressured, I pushed her away to the point where I encouraged her to meet someone else. Things didn't really go past the friend with benefits stage but we spent a lot of time together and seemed as though we were exclusive.

    Now that she's moved onto someone else, I'm now regretting it terribly and feel like I made a huge mistake, which I have. It's the second time this has happened to me now. My original thread when I first opened my account described a similar situation with the girl I was with previous to her a few years ago.

    It taught me a lot of crucial lessons...

    I think the key thing for someone who's with a fearful-avoidant is to have patience and give them the support they need to slowly open up. Slowly instilling the trust in them so they can do so because their biggest fear is being let down and getting their heart completely broken.

    In terms of the fearful-Avoidant, I would recommend therapy or taking baby steps. Do one small thing with the person you're with that makes you slightly uncomfortable. Once you get the green light that it's ok, then take another step, then another, until you're completely comfortable to open yourself up completely.

    The great news for me at least is that I'm still in touch with my recent ex with no bad blood between us. So if anything, if her relationship doesn't work out and assuming i'm still single, we could potentially try again.

  5. #14
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Thread closed.

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