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Thread: It's a strange world but there must be a way

  1. #11
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    So it's been a while.

    My nan passed away and I did an express trip back home. It was all pretty surreal, the family is quite messed up now and it is hard to see. While I was there I supressed all my feelings because I wanted to be there for my mum and because I was confused. But when I came back I had a good cry and felt ok after 2 days. I will be going back to my home country in about 3 weeks time and I look forward to it. I need to change the scenery and relax a little from this financial struggle.

    At work they said we would have shifts but it ain't the case. I picked up a 3 hour shift for Sunday which I find ridiculous as it just gets in the way of a day off. But there we go.
    This makes me focus more on ideas about my online shop and trying to find ways to create something better for myself. I started thinking that if a creative person cannot come up with an idea then who can? It's creative people that come up with ideas about products, trends, designs and in that way I believe more in myself about setting something up.

    I have limiting beliefs that can hold me back but I challenge them a lot and I believe that I always transcend them in the end. I realised that I am trying to become self employed and it takes a certain amount of confidence to attempt that, a certain amount of self belief and faith in your idea. I had a very productive day the other day, jolting down ideas about the shop. I am still in very early stages of research and I try not to think too far and predict doom.

    I have also been compiling an ad to find musicians again without thinking too far. It's hard to write the ad..but maybe with enough drafting it will come together.

    The weather has been nice recently and my mind wanders into faraway lands and all things romantic. A walk by the seashore, feeling the summer breeze..the morning dew. Mornings are beautiful in the summer. I want to stay out a lot and fall in love again. I keep imagining a place somewhere in the Middle East, a desert like place, it calms me that image..like my soul is travelling.

    I have also been eating healthier as I have put on weight and need to lose it asap!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I got a letter from work that they have overpaid us and will be deducting it from our next salaries. The amount they have overpaid us in the space of 6 weeks is what we make for a month as casuals. They don't even seem to be open to take the money back in installments, they will take it from the next 2 fortnightly payments. So this month we are working for nothing. I was shaking when my manager told me, I am in such a bad place financially. This incident clouded everything and I feel pretty put off since they told me, it was difficult going to work yesterday, I was very unmotivated. I am applying for help with my rent but it makes me feel crap. Not many jobs in the arts sector either. Or retail..so don't really know what to do about my income.

    I have been proactive overall, I bought a very good notebook for my online shop to jolt down any ideas, to stick in cut-outs etc. Haven't done any music but I finished the ad, I can put it up now. I really look forward to going to my home country for a couple of weeks, I have become really tired here I need a change of scenery and some space.

    I try to think how I will get out of this and find some comfort and I just have to be very patient. Earn enough to live on and keep working towards becoming self employed.

    I wish my bf's situation was any better. Dunno what's going on there but some of my faith is gone after recent arguments. At least he is not lying, he is telling me he is impractical and that he doesn't know much. And whenever I mention something he always takes it on board. I wish things were really awful because then it would be easier to leave. He mentioned us sharing a room to save on money to maybe eventually move in together but I don't think I can do it. I need some space so badly. I miss having that massive room in my mum's house, it really helped with my music. It gave me the ability to experiment and be inspired.

    I am going to a really good concert tonight, I really look forward to it, I managed to get free tickets from work so that's good. I volunteered for a voice project but it clashes with every day off I have with my bf before I go away for 2 weeks. So I don't know whether I should do it. This is one of the times I realised that if I was single I would definitely do it but in a realtionship you need to make time for your SO. If it wasn't the fact that I will not see him for 16 days I wouldn't think twice but now..don't know, gotta decide today really.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I am going back home tomorrow for 16 days. I look forward to it because I need a break. My mum's house though is in a remote area and that can be a pain with moving around..plus no internet at home. It'd be great if I could go on proper holidays on an island. Nevertheless I shall hopefully get a tan and return rejuvinated.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I feel so down today. My birthday is in 2 days and I feel like a total loser, I will be 33 for f""" sake! I am worried and stressed about where I am professionally (which is nowhere). Emotionally I am relatively ok but sometimes I feel that things with my bf are a bit too studenty for my likings (but that's not going to change because he is poor and can't think seriously of providing).

    What happened? I had visions!

    This career situation stresses me so much. I am doing 40 hour weeks at the moment and maybe it makes me feel worse because I have no time to be with myself.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Yesterday I had this desire to drop everything and go and do humanitarian work.

    Sometimes I feel that I can't stand the limitations of my mortality. What comes with being human. I wish I could transcend it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Really sad today. Apart from my boyfriend being a idiot my best friend said he is moving to France. I am happy for him and I knew it would happen at some point but he's been like family to me and I don't know how I'll cope with that one.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    It's been so hard since I came back. On one hand I don't want to put a name to things but truth is things with my bf have been awfull. Like..awful. How does it get like that when 2 people supposedly love each other? My commitment is wavering and so is my faith. I am so bored with everything, I feel like dropping things and going away. But where? Why is the city so tough? There is people everywhee and mostly people that don't smile. I am not amazing but I do smile.
    It is tough when your relationship is not working. Makes the day harder. I don't know what to hope for, what to look forward to at the moment. And maybe I am being unreasonable. The past months of poverty and struggle have taken a toll on me and I start to wonder how understanding I should be. I mean he's not a bad guy he's just got ADD. And it ain't going away.
    Dunno how to feel better at the moment

  9. #18
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Everyone needs a little lie

    I watched this film tonight called Melancholia which speaks of the planet Melancholia that is about to hit Earth and bring with it the end of our planet.
    One of the main characters was very anxious about the rumours but her husband kept reassuring her that the planet will pass the Earth by and won't hit it. She was becoming relaxed when he'd say that, she felt reassured.

    It made me think how much people need that. A little lie here there, or maybe call it encouragement. That everything will be ok. What if that wasn't provided? How would people feel? If noone could tell you that and you knew that there is no guarantee and you are alone. Can we handle this truth?

    Which then brings me to think that we simply need each other to offer that reassurance so why then is this 'me, me, me' mentality so encouraged?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I feel numb and alone. I went out with my flatmates tonight and that was nice. They are nice people and I'm glad to have them. But it's as if life is on pause. I'd like so much someone to hold me and caress my hair. But not just anyone...someome who will stay and do this tomorrow and the day after.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I reallly wish you could still be here. And we could plan New Year's together. They don't understand and they don't know. True friendships are forever, I miss you so much and I keep remembering of all the insightful things you said. Whenever I go pass Old Strett I smile. But like you I don't believe in religion so I have no clue as to where you may be now.

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