"Forgotten" good deeds?

I've accepted the fact that I'm not a perfect friend, but I try to be. I try to be there when people need me, and if I have the resource to be a great friend, I'll do it.

However... i have friends who have helped me in great ways before, both financially and just things they've done...yet, I seem to not care as much as I should. I know the magnitude of the favors they've done for me, but yet sometimes I find myself brushing it off either because of guilt or something else I can't figure out.

One example is a friend who wrote me when I was pretty much all alone. I really appreciated it and everything it meant, but for some reason I just.... I don't even make the effort to spend time with this person. I find them dramatic and uninteresting..

Another example is a friend who loaned me money when I was down and out. I make the effort to pay him back, but yet...i... don't make a hard effort to spend time with him. I find him uninteresting and boring...

Both examples are of friends I care a lot for, yet I just can't find myself spending much time around them..

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not a perfect friend, or even a good one at that..and I feel bad for all of this, yet I also don't think it's right for me to have to force myself to like these people more than I already do.

What's wrong with me??

It sounds like you're a little self-centred maybe? I don't mean to be harsh but when reading your post it comes accross like when you are down and out you are quite happy for people to come to your rescue and bail you out of whatever is going on at the time, but you are not willing to do the same thing for them. Basically, you are a "taker", not a "giver". Selfish comes to mind?

Be aware that you can lose a lot of friends this way. One day, when you need help again, don't be too surprised if these "uninteresting and boring" friends don't rush to help you out.

Again, not meaning to be harsh, but just some food for thought.

It sounds like you're a little self-centred maybe? I don't mean to be harsh but when reading your post it comes accross like when you are down and out you are quite happy for people to come to your rescue and bail you out of whatever is going on at the time, but you are not willing to do the same thing for them. Basically, you are a "taker", not a "giver". Selfish comes to mind?

 

Be aware that you can lose a lot of friends this way. One day, when you need help again, don't be too surprised if these "uninteresting and boring" friends don't rush to help you out.

 

Again, not meaning to be harsh, but just some food for thought.

pretty much i was thinking the same thing. if you dont like spending time with them y bother been there friend? not trying to sound harsh ether. but its kinda wrong

I understand what you're saying, and I've even thought of myself as selfish and self centered, but it just doesn't quite "fit". I'm there for my friends, and if they needed me I'd do everything I can to be there. People always describe me as friendly and as a good friend. It's not that I don't like spending time with them, it's just that it's not as often as I personally think it should be, or frequent at all. For example, the one friend who wrote me letters lives down the street, but I haven't seen her in a couple months. I just don't like her constant unchanging drama (which involves another friend of mine), and it's all she talks about. I spent 2 years listening to her about it, and trying to intervene and help as well, but I just got tired of it. The other friend lives 2.5 hours away from me, and I have no car.

I really do feel horrible, because they've done great things for me, or things that mean a lot to me...but I don't see them as often as I feel I should.

well if your actualy caring about them and your there when they need you. then no your not selfish. i know what you mean by drama. one of my friends helped me threw alot. when he needs me in there for him. but he has so much drama sometimes i just dont want to hear complaining all the time. its normal to feel like this

I have the same problem at times. I have a few friends who are really good to me, and yet there have been situations where I admit that I was not a very good friend or wasn't appreciative of what they've done for me. I think it does have to do with being self-centered. I think with friendship though, there has to be an understanding that just because a friend does "A" does not mean that you have to do "B" in order to make things "equal". Generally "giving" and "helping" should not mean that a person owes something to you. However gratitude, and appreciation goes along way. I remember at one point when I felt very used by a friend because her car had broke down and I was literally driving her and her husband and her kids around everywhere, and using my gas money to do it. I knew that she was financial difficulties and needed help, so I helped her. But she wasn't very appreciative and it made me feel "used" so to speak or as if what I had done for her did not matter. While I certainly did not expect her to "repay" me or even do anything huge to let me know she was appreciative, it would have been nice if I would have heard a "thank you", or "this was very nice of you to do this."

You can't make a person be appreciative, but it goes a long way in a friendship. Are these friendships where you have forgotten "good deeds" ones where you aren't particularly that close to or fond of these friends?

Okay just read this--this makes sense. I also have a friend who I've written about on here before, who has a lot of drama. And she is a very nice friend. She cooks for me, is willing to do a lot to see me, etc, etc. And has been there when no one else has. But her drama is gotten to be too much for me to handle, and for some reason even despite the fact that she is a good friend, I can't handle all of the situations she is always in. In that case I don't think it is necessarily that you are a bad person, or anything, but moreso that you just don't want the drama in your life.

Are these friendships where you have forgotten "good deeds" ones where you aren't particularly that close to or fond of these friends?

It's not that I'm not fond of these friends, it's just that for all the things they've done for me, I personally feel I'm not being a good friend. Maybe I'm thinking of your "A" for "B" analogy, and thats the mentality I have?

The friend who wrote me lives in the same city, literally just down the street, yet I haven't seen her in months. I'm there when she needs to talk, but it's just about the same thing over and over, and my patience over the last 2 years for the subject matter has gone beyond thin.

My other friend loaned me a large amount of money when I was in great need, without batting an eye. I'm working to pay him back, and have expressed my sincere gratitude, but yet haven't seen him in 2 years!! He lives 2.5 hours away, and without a car it's real hard for me and him alike. We talk when we can, and catch up when we can over the phone, but other than that...I just feel like sometimes I'm not putting in my "dues" as a friend.

On the flipside, as with a few of your responses, I've been on the other end where I've done major favors for friends, and haven't even received a "thank you".