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What do i do? Does she want me back? Am i being strung along?


token09

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Hi all. First post on here, but i have been recommended this site by a friend.

 

I am in a place of complete confusion right now, but i will give you my whole story, so i apologise in advance for going on.

 

My ex and i had been together for 6 years. we met through a mutual friend (who i am the best man of this year) and we fell in love pretty quickly and easily. But after a couple of years in the same city, and a few conversations about how she wanted to move in with me and how i wasnt ready for it, we had a big fall out and, because of some of her debt as well, she got a job back home and moved to her parents which was 90miles away from me. We managed to get through that, but had gone from seeing each other everyday to a couple of times a month. We missed each other like nothing else but she said we just had to get on with it just now. But every year at Xmas time she would start questioning things and we went through several more rough patches, with the last few years being arounf how she wanted to move back here to live with me, but i was still living at home with my parents and so was partly scared of making such a big decision based on not wanting to just be a lazy living with her, guilt that she would make such a massive move for me and fear that we were getting older.

 

It got to the stage where i decided i had to do it for her and us, but i didnt want to move out and rent, so with the financial backing of my parents, i purchased a house last feb that needed some work done to it, with the thought that her and i could spend time together working on it and eventually move in there together. But she felt she hadnt been involved in the process of buying the house (which she hadnt been and i understand) and felt on the outside looking in, and wanted nothing to do with it. I carried on sorting the place and eventually moved in late last year. i had planned to give her a key for Xmas this year, not to say to come and live with me, but so we could talk about how we move forward and to plan our future.

 

The problem was, that by now she had had some serious questions about us moving forward, and i feel so bad about this because i felt it was all my own doing. we spent the last few months arguing, and with me making more of an effort to spend every weekend with her through at her place, but she felt i was being too OTT now. We eventually broke up 6 weeks ago and since then i have bombareded her with texts and calls begging her to come back, asking her to marry me and all the rest. The marriage wasnt a grand gesture, it was something i had also planned to do this year but wanted to wait for the perfect time.

 

She started seeing another guy from her work and i got really angry, and the last few weeks have been filled with stress and anger between the both of us. Everyone kept telling me to back off, including her. So i eventually did that this weekend and thought i would hear from her in a few weeks time, if ever. But she text me the next day and then called me on videocall the next night too. we had a laugh and giggle, but when she said she was going now, she told me not to force things, which i didnt think i had. she told me how someone she knew had been through something similar as us and now they were married. she called again last night but i was out having a drink, and so didnt answer, and when i text her she just said her day was good and goodnight.

 

So now i am so confused. I don't know if we have a chance, if she is confused as i am, if im meant to wait around in hope she does come back, or accept it is over and give up on it all??

 

I love this girls with all my heart, and i genuinely believe she is the one, and have done since the first time we kissed. My immaturity is what slowed us down and brought us to here.

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Hi sada

 

Apologies for my ignorance, but can you point me in the direction of that thread?

 

Should i keep on responding to her when she gets in contact with me or should i be trying to ignore her? Should i be at her beckoned call and be looking at my phone until she gets in touch? was i wrong to not answer her call last night or, at least, to not call back rather than a text? Do i pretend im not interested or do i tell her how much i love her and want her back in my life?

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She is seeing someone else. Try to think about that every time you want to contact her. I don't mean that this is doomed and that all is lost, but it is not to your advantage to show her how much you care right now. That seems mean, and it seems like you're playing "games". You may think, "but.. I DO care about her, so why wouldn't I show her? Especially now?", but that's just the kind of attitude that will keep her comfortable in this in-between zone with you. Right now, you're showing her that she can leave you, and even see another guy and STILL have your love and affection. What incentive does she have to get back together with you if she's getting all she wants right now? Keep stroking her ego, and you will get nowhere.

 

My advice is not to initiate any contact. Just don't do it. She KNOWS how much you love her, how dedicated you are to her. But what she doesn't know (yet) is that you aren't the type of guy who is going to sit around and be her doormat while she dates other guys and doesn't make a decision about you two. You love her, but there's only so much you can do before you start sacrificing your own dignity. And if you have to do that to get her to get back with you, then it's probably not something that you'll want in the long run.

 

Hope that helps.

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Thanks for the response ToF

 

I suppose the thing is that confuses me the most is that I agree with everything you are saying, but in my mind, the girl that i know would not do that to me. Or maybe that is the problem, she would and she is.

 

What do i do when she does contact me? pretend like everything is fine? ignore her? be an arse to her?

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Thanks for the response ToF

 

I suppose the thing is that confuses me the most is that I agree with everything you are saying, but in my mind, the girl that i know would not do that to me. Or maybe that is the problem, she would and she is.

 

What do i do when she does contact me? pretend like everything is fine? ignore her? be an arse to her?

 

I almost wrote this in my original response, because I think it's pretty normal to have the mindset that you have at the moment. Odds are she still isn't the kind of person who would do that to you ... Intentionally, that is. But I'd be willing to bet that she's not doing any of this consciously. What I mean is, she's not really thinking, she's just doing. And as long as she's doing that, it's not good for you to be around her.

 

If she contacts you, be civil. Try to end the conversation quickly, and don't ask questions or try to keep her talking. And at every opportunity, tell her you're busy and need to go, but it was nice hearing from her. Be nice, but be short. NO emotion, no affection, no reinforcement that you're still pining away and waiting for her.

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We have spoken about getting back to this grey area where we can speak about us and see what happens, is this what she is trying to do with all this though, starting off small and building? i dont know. If i start being like im over her, she wont fight to try and win me back, thats not in her nature. thats what i'm scared of too, if she wants it, and i want it, but she doesnt know that i want it.

 

I apologise, my head is all over the place right now.

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Do you think you two can start building up a relationship in this "grey area" while she's dating someone else? I do see what you're saying about starting slow and seeing where things go, but that holds no water while she's seeing someone else. You know?

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Yeah, i think that too, and i have brought this up with her in the last few weeks many time, but she says its nothing to do with him and its about me and her. Then we had a big fight last week and i told her that he may make her all laugh and happy etc, but she knows herself deep down that there's nothing in it or we wouldnt still be arguing. I actually thinks she hates me for saying that to her because it was true and thats why the argument got more heated. Since shes been texting and calling this week i have't asked about him, but i know i will have to confront it again before anything else comes about, if anything else comes about. I dont want to start anything else with her while he is on the scene. She has to be fair to me and fair to herself i think. But i dont know how i can speak to her about this without coming accross as forcing or too forward or whatever else now, so maybe i am best to just walk away because its all such a mess now.

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PLEASE DO NOT CHASE HER, I ruin my chances by doing the same as you, don't go that path, if the pain is too hard, look for professional help, couching or something, do not try to rationalize with her, is not the time, she IS in the grey zone because you turn yourself in a weak person begging, she might love you, but you are not showing any strength or self respect, be gone, get strong, and then you will see if you really want her back.

If you get back to her right now, even if she accept, you will get in all weak while she will be all strong, she will mop the floor with you, because if you look at yourself right now you are willing to let her, and you will loose your chances of making that work, while every day pass you will fight to get her happy, wile she will get every day bored of your whining.

Do not offer any support of any kind to her, your hard work is only for the people who deserve it.

Once Again, if the pain is too hard and the confusion don't let you see clearly, look for professional help or call for all your friends to your rescue and i mean the real friends, if you are loner is harder but if you have any kind of religion and faith go to your priest, and talk to him, tell everything.

If you really want her back, the best way is to let her go, I am proof that you can push away a person forever while trying to get her back.

Don't do it yourself.

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If it were really about you and her, and not about him, then she would be willing to cut things off with him in order to work things out between you two. This explanation of hers is a BS way of telling you that she is not willing to end that relationship with him at the moment, for whatever reason.

 

No matter the reasoning, this is a fact: Currently, she is choosing him over you.

 

Are you willing to continue this charade while she gets all she wants? Like I said, she's probably not doing this consciously but regardless she IS doing it. My advice is to tell her that you will be willing to converse with her further once her current relationship has ended. If she contacts you, that's what you say. Tell her that you still have the same feelings for her, and that you are willing to work things out and talk about your relationship, but ONLY if she is single. Until then, she doesn't get the luxury of having you in her life.

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Captain Chaos, thanks for your words of encouragement. One thing i have got is some fantastic friends around me and have been very supporting of me. I just hope i dont annoy them too much and that i can repay them all in some way in the future.

 

ToF, as hard as it will be, i think you are 100% correct and if she does contact me then this is what i will have to do. I have been reading about GIGS syndrome and i think this is a classic case.

 

I just hope i am strong enough to carry this out now. I do love the girl so much.

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My boyfriend broke up with me because he was not ready for marriage after 2.5yrs. We are both 27, have great jobs and are out of college. He doesn't know when he'll be ready. When he broke up with me he told me he was doing it for me so that i can find what i was looking for since he was not able to give it to me or knew when he would even though he knows he loves me very much. The first 2 weeks after the breakup we talked and at first i tired really hard to make things right, i begged and cried and all that. It got to a point where i just couldn't do that anymore. We have not talked, text, e-mailed (no contact) for 23days now. I am so heart broken and upset over it but i am giving him the space he needs to figure himself out. If we are meant to be we'll be and if not than the best thing to do is go on with life and see where it leads you. I understand how you feel. I couldn't imagine my life without my ex but now i have to.

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Captain Chaos, thanks for your words of encouragement. One thing i have got is some fantastic friends around me and have been very supporting of me. I just hope i dont annoy them too much and that i can repay them all in some way in the future.

 

ToF, as hard as it will be, i think you are 100% correct and if she does contact me then this is what i will have to do. I have been reading about GIGS syndrome and i think this is a classic case.

 

I just hope i am strong enough to carry this out now. I do love the girl so much.

 

You are strong enough. Just take it a moment at a time, and try not to think about anything too far in advance. Be easy on yourself, okay?

 

Take care. We're all here for you.

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Thanks all. It really does help having a community like this to turn to. I really hope i stick to my choices.....now i just hope i get the chance to say this to her tonight, but i dont think she will call/text, and im cant be the one to get in touch with her.

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Captain Chaos, thanks for your words of encouragement. One thing i have got is some fantastic friends around me and have been very supporting of me. I just hope i dont annoy them too much and that i can repay them all in some way in the future.

 

ToF, as hard as it will be, i think you are 100% correct and if she does contact me then this is what i will have to do. I have been reading about GIGS syndrome and i think this is a classic case.

 

I just hope i am strong enough to carry this out now. I do love the girl so much.

 

If they are your friends you will never be annoying to them, they will support you.

Make a plan with them, ask them for support, tell them to check on you every time they can, you have been for them, there is no shame in ask them to be there for you, that’s why friends are the most valuable thing you might have right now.

And remember the most important part of No Contact, is for YOU to heal, to be strong, not to wait what she can do or if she miss you, if you are waiting for her to call using NC, you don’t get the price, you lose.

This is a match of courage, if you have the guts, you will win the price, if you fall and cry, and you are out.

There are no second chances, you have only one shot, use it right or lose it all.

Keep coming, I am not too usual here, but there are some very valuable people here willing to give you a hand.

 

Good luck my friend.

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I was doing my best with the NC but have crumbled miserably over the weekend. She tried to get in touch again on thursday night and i missed her call. I text to apologise on friday but didnt hear back from her. I went out for my friends stag doo on saturday night, but ended up very drunk after thinking i had had a better day, and i ended up texting and calling her to get no reply. I text to meet her yesterday but she said no, and we swapped another few messages. She ended up calling me in the evening in tears asking why we were in such a mess and why none of us had the answers. I spent most of yesterday in bed and today i feel lower than i ever have. I've said that the only way i think i could move on is if she changes her number because i dont have the will power to not get in touch with her, and i feel so guilty because i'm upsetting her, even though she is the one in a new relationship. I really am struggling with everything right now and don't know what to do. We are talking about meeting up this week (LDR) but we aren't quite sure why i don't think. I don't know what to do or how to do it anymore.

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Why meet up with her? Honestly, you're only causing yourself more pain at this point.

 

I don't actually know. We've spoken about finding out if things can actually be fixed between us, as none of us seem to know right now, but we both agree that actually meeting isnt going to fix anything straight off the bat.

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I don't actually know. We've spoken about finding out if things can actually be fixed between us, as none of us seem to know right now, but we both agree that actually meeting isnt going to fix anything straight off the bat.

 

If you both know it won't fix anything at the moment, wouldn't it be best to give yourselves time and space to calm down?

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If you both know it won't fix anything at the moment, wouldn't it be best to give yourselves time and space to calm down?

 

Again, i don't really know. Maybe its because of the fact that we're over the stage of just being angry with each other and now think we might be able to talk rationally? I don't know. Maybe i'm just making excuses. i don't know and that's why i'm hurting so much.

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Again, i don't really know. Maybe its because of the fact that we're over the stage of just being angry with each other and now think we might be able to talk rationally? I don't know. Maybe i'm just making excuses. i don't know and that's why i'm hurting so much.

 

Well, consider this: Do you think that this is more out of missing each other than anything else? And do you think anything has changed enough to really justify talks of reconciliation?

 

I know you're confused, so you don't have to answer. But it's something to consider, as this is very, very common.

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I dont know. I know i miss her, but i don't know what her intentions are.

 

Hmm.. But at this point it really shouldn't be about HER intentions, should it? It's about you. You two are not a couple anymore, so it's only your intentions that you need to consider. You cannot know hers for sure, so trying to figure them out would be a waste of your time and energy.

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