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Thread: Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?

  1. #21

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    Dude, dating 22-23 year old girls in NYC when what you want is a committed relationship is like banging your head against a wall. That's the prime age and spot to be confused, immature, selfish, curious, etc. You're for real targeting the most un-relationship ready population in the world. I'd move up to girls who are your age or older if what you want is a relationship.

  2. #22
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    I think that she is simply not ready to date. She has too much anger, as she even thought you were faking interest at first. I don't think I would take the tactic of sending her an email and ending it. I would at first simply not initiate quite as much as the first step. BTW, if you are looking for a quality relationship, don't use girls at the bar to 'get over" anyone. If you want to meet a young woman who is maybe in the 26-30 year old range and has a good head on her shoulders, the guy she makes out with at the bar is not a person she sees as boyfriend material, nor is she probably even hanging out at the bar to find men.

    I would meet this young woman you are dating in person and tell her "you know sally sue, I realize that I didn't really listen to what you were saying last time. I understand that you are not interested in a relationship and I respect that. I realize that I don't want that. I am looking for a relationship. it seems that what we are looking for don't match and I don't want to be led when I am starting to develop feelings. I do enjoy spending time with you, but I think we aren't looking for the same thing right now." It doesn't have to be dramatic. You guys both can choose whether to never see eachother again or only once in awhile. Maybe down the road she'll be more ready or maybe not. But maybe just not contacting her as much and accepting dates from others - things will naturally dwindle. But for both parties, if you don't match, I would just be honest with her. I know its hard - I left someone who I dated a bit because I just didn't see a future. We wanted such different things and I couldn't wait around hoping he'd change to what I wanted. I was glad I didn't wait

  3. #23
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    I must say...voicing my thoughts on the matter even to complete strangers has been very helpful. Thanks to the responses here I feel like I can go about by ordeal more logically and less emotionally.

    I'm well aware that the 22-24 year old in NYC is NOT the committing type, but I just have more fun with them and I seem to attract them more than I do older women. I'm 28, but a 'young' 28, and I look younger than I really am. It's a conundrum because I get along better with the younger girls, but they have no real interest in commitment. On the other hand, i've dated older girls who may share a common long-term interest with me, but things tend to move too fast. Maybe I need a break from women for a few months?

    Anyhoo i'm glad I joined this board and i'll definitely be back to update my situation with her. Who knows - it may actually work out.

  4. #24
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    This situation is nearly identical if not the same to a girl that I was dating..it's almost scary. We too went out on dates and started to do things couples would like kissing, holding hands, being close together. In fact, as each date progressed it felt more and more like we were on the path to an actual relationship. But there was one problem. We NEVER talked in between dates. If we did, I would always have to initiate everything. Never heard a text or call from her at all unless I did so first. I even stopped texting her for a whole entire week and still never heard anything from her.

    I think you summed it up best. This girl I was dating was using me as a once a week boyfriend (more like once a month boyfriend because we only went on a date once every three weeks). I never asked her though what she wanted, I wish I did but it doesn't matter at this point because being a once a week or a boredom partner got old fast. If you already talked to this girl and she told you she is not interested in a relationship then I think you know what to do. But no one on this message board can speak for that girl or give you the right answer. Only you and her can get that from one another.

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  6. #25
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    Honestly, I don't think our situations are identical. You saw her once every three weeks, which is way too infrequent (I would've ended it by the third date), while I saw her once a week. I should clarify that while the communication during the first 1.5 months wasn't frequent (every other day), it was still somewhat mutual and we had a great repoire. I don't see how you can accumulate an emotional attraction by seeing someone almost once a month!

    Weakness is starting to kick in - i'm so tempted to send her a message through gchat. Our last date together wasn't bad - in fact it was absolutely great - but we ended it with that talk, where she didn't want to get emotionally invested.

    I feel like telling the entire story might be best, so if you're in for a read and want to help me out, here it goes...

    About 1.5 months in, things were getting a little closer and we started opening up, talking about past relationships. She told me about her last relationship, which I had detailed in an earlier post, and I told her a bit about my past. My last real relationship ended after two years because I had met someone else. I also told her that the day I met her, I was actually on a date with someone else (but a very bad, pity third date). Maybe I shouldn't have told her that because I fear that might've scared her and forever labeled me as a certain type of guy. I told her that on a Tuesday, and I texted her again on Friday to see if she was free. I didn't get any response, but didn't think much of it. I called later that night, no pick-up. I texted again the following day and she responded with:

    "**** I don't know what to say but this isn't working right now but if you want to talk sometime soon id like to too. It's nothing that you did okay"

    I was admittedly taken aback by that, and so I responded and we set up a meeting for the following day to talk. I was expecting:

    a) I'm not into you anymore
    b) I met someone else
    c) I don't want a relationship right now

    But what she said was that she didn't want to deal with any emotional distress, because she thought I was the type of guy that might break her heart? I guess my past plus the fact that I asked her out when I was with someone else (she mentioned that exactly) was a red flag for her, and by getting into a relationship and getting emotionally invested, she might be in for some serious heartbreak later on, so it was a way to nip it at the bud before we got any closer. We talked it out and we decided we'd continue seeing each other. The next day, I texted her with a good morning, we exchanged a few texts, and she asked what I was doing on Thursday. SHE initiated the first get-together after our 'talk'.

    So we meet on Thursday, and I really didn't know what to expect. Do we continue where we left off, do we take a step back, do we start over, or are we just hanging out as friends? Right off the bat, she warms up to me, saying I look good and whatnot and we enjoy one of our best nights out, and we sleep together for the first time that night. The following Saturday, I texted her again to see what she was doing during the day, and she responded with:

    "Hey, i'm actually meeting my friends from back home. Sorry I need some time I feel like whenever we hang out I get ahead of myself."

    I responded with "hey, I can understand, have a great weekend!" and she responded positively. I texted her Monday asking how her weekend was, she was very cheery and asked about mine, and we set a date again for Thursday. The day we were supposed to meet, she hit me with news that she had an early meeting the following day that was out of state, and that she had to wake up really early to catch a train. I said I didn't mind a shorter date, that a short dinner or drink would've been fine, and so we met up and spent another great time, just sitting by the pier downtown and holding each other. We left around 10 and I took her home in a cab, and I asked if I could stay over for just 15 minutes. We ended up lying down in bed, talking, and around midnight I said "hey, if you to get sleep and want me to leave, I can go, it's okay." but she insisted I stay. I ended up sleeping over with her in my arms, we woke up really early, I took her to the train station, shared a nice breakfast, and kissed her goodbye. I had a business trip that following week with a Sunday night departure, and her parting words to me were "have a good trip, if I don't see you before your trip i'll see you when I get back" and we shared a passionate kiss. It was still early so I trekked it home with a big smile on my face.

    That was Friday morning and I didn't hear from her all weekend, so around 5PM on Sunday, I texted her letting her know I was on my way to the airport. She fired back a text immediately with "ohh I was just about text you!". Again, big smile on my face. I got back Wednesday, texted her to let her know I was back, and again got a cheery response. This time, SHE said "so, food soon?", initiating the next date. We set a date for Friday afternoon (we both played hooky from work). We had planned a nice date at a botanic garden but the day was surprisingly chilly and gloomy, and upon meeting up, we decided to nix the plans and just hang out locally. We were just walking around the city, with her saying things like "Stop being so cute." and things of that nature. We're at a cafe, just talking and enjoying a beverage, and she's getting a ton of emails from work. Turns out she didn't have a day off, but she just told them she was working from home and hoped she wouldnt have much to do. I told her she should just go back home and work and that we would meet later that night. She had dinner plans with her friends and she said she'd call when they were done. She texts me around 8:30 that night and says:

    "Sigh, my friends are angry that im not staying out with them, they said im not allowed to hang with you tonight..."

    I didn't see the text bc I was out having dinner (i had plans but was ready to break them to see her again) so i replied 30 minutes later with "haha alright, have fun" which may have sounded a bit...pissy. But it really wasn't, I was cool with it, yet a tad disappointed. She immediately responded with

    "Augh I dont know I feel like i'm doing something wrong either way. Alright then you have fun too."

    I decided to call her after to clear the air, and I said "hey, I just want you to know that it's totally cool, don't feel bad at all." and a little later I said "I don't know how much longer I can do this once-a-week thing..." and she responded with a "yeahhh...", agreeing with what I had to say. We said goodbye, and it just left a bad taste in my mouth, so I texted her not much later saying

    "Hey. HAVE FUN. I'll see you soon. It's worth the wait I promise."

    I didn't get a response at all until around 2:30 AM, which she said:

    "Ah, forgot to say, I kinda liked your text before. The weather's nasty out, going home. gnite"

    Alright, so it seems positive, no?

    That was the unfortunate night I decided to make out with some girl at a bar.

    So I didn't text her back until Tuesday, with a "Hey, how was your weekend +Monday?" and I got no response whatsoever. I texted her again the following day with "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. I kno I said it's worth the wait, but you're killin me here! Miss you." to which she responded with "ack can you chat on gchat? i'm adding you..." and we chatted for a couple of hours. It was a really great chat, she was saying some great things to me - things you wouldn't say if you were trying to keep your arms distance from someone. Things like:

    (after a joke) "you're way less creepy in real life, or am i just attracted to your good looks"

    I also promised to bring her a rock from London (where my business trip was) and after another joke, I said "I need to make it up to you" to which she responded with:

    "more rocks for my rock collection =)"

    I also said somewhere in there "I just want to see you" to which she responded with:

    "it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes."

    It was a Wednesday and I asked if she was free that night or the night after, and she had plans, so she suggested lunchtime on Saturday. Saturday rolls around, another GREAT time together. Absolutely great. Sat around at a park, just talked, walked around the city, she bought a sketchbook and she started to draw me. I walked her home and that's when I brought up (from an earlier post in this thread)

    "So on our last date, which was great, we had a short talk about our situation at the very end (I brought it up). I started off by sorta poking fun at our situation, how we see each other once a week (which is fine) but barely talk during the week. She was being pretty evasive and wouldn't give a straight answer. She said "I really like you and I enjoy your company, but I don't want to cross the line into emotional investment and whatnot."

    I don't remember word for word what she said, but she kept hugging me and saying "I don't knowww..." and things of that nature, and even mentioned that she tried to keep me away and hope i'd just forget about her (hence the not replying to my text until I texted her again the next day). We decided to end the convo without any real resolution, I walk her to her door, we kiss for a bit, and we part ways. Haven't spoken to her or heard from her since.

    I surely do apologize for this lengthiness but work is slow today and I feel like I should get the entire story out there. I truly believe that she does have strong feelings for me and is trying what she can to suppress those feelings, not that she has no interest in a relationship. She's not that type of girl. Her friends as a group are definitely into city exploration and what not, but I think there are real feelings there. What do you think?

    Any response is welcome. Thanks. +1,000 points if you read everything
    Last edited by canonrebel; 05-04-2011 at 04:18 PM.

  7. #26
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    I must say canonrebel, everything you described sounds really positive between the two of you. I think she does have feelings, but is conflicted and scared of commitment (because of past relationship?). It may very well take a lot of patience and gentle work to get through.

  8. #27

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    "Sigh, my friends are angry that im not staying out with them, they said im not allowed to hang with you tonight..."
    That's really distressing. If her friends are like this and she seems ok with it, i just don't see how a relationship can work.

  9. #28
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    Thanks for reading! Damn, I was expecting a bunch of TLDRs but I realize we're all on here with each other's best interests in mind.

    Another few notes about that conversation we had last. I made it clear to her that I didn't want us to get into a relationship, but that all I wanted to know was if this was moving in some sort of direction, and if we would have the same conversation 3 months down the line. Again, "I don't know...I can't tell the future." and I kept stopping her to pull her aside to talk, and she kept saying "grow some balls!" as a joke. She even said "then maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore", which REALLY stopped me in my tracks. I said "so you're saying you'd be okay with us not seeing each other anymore?" and her response was "no, well, I wouldn't cut my wrists or anything, but i'd be upset."

    Everything I laid out for you is EXACTLY how everything went down. I didn't skew anything to sound any better or worse in my favor or her's, which is precisely why i'm baffled about the situation. Is she being cautious? Of course. I know her past and I know she's not entirely sold on me just yet, but knows that she definitely likes me and likes being around me. She's never attempted to 'talk' about our situation either.

    So I really don't know. I don't see how someone DOESN'T get emotionally attracted from the time we've shared together. She is not the free-dating type. She's never dated around period...she ended things with that last guy in December, and maybe she doesn't want to commit to anything now that she's just getting in the game. Who knows. But again, her personality and whatnot doesn't say she's the free-dating type.

  10. #29
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    Even with all the added details, given her age and this wishy washiness I just don't think she's interested for whatever reason. If she was really into you, she'd want to be in a relationship. Period. If you're already spending quality time together, there's no reason making it "official" would be such a no no to her. Not to mention she sounds like she has some pretty immature friends and birds of a feather do, more often than not, tend to flock together.

    Seriously, I don't know what's on this girl's mind, but I'd still be very wary of having any expectations about her and how she feels. You say you don't want a relationship with her (if I read correctly) and yet you want this to be going somewhere...if not toward a relationship, then where exactly? I find when two people are compatible on most levels, there's none of this beating around the bush and avoiding labels stuff (it seems to be on both of your parts.) It just kind of flows in the right direction. Not saying you can't still hang out and enjoy her company, but I just wouldn't focus on her at all as first priority. When and if she's ready, she will find you.

  11. #30
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    You're right, i'm still being cautious myself and i'm trying to not have any expectations. About her friends; i've met them all and they're all pretty mature and aren't exactly slores that sleep around. They all have good jobs and came from competitive schools (to give you an idea of what they might be like), but in the end a group of girls is a group of girls. I didn't think too much of it really (particularly that night) because I already had plans for the night. The truth is, I do want a relationship with her, but obviously I don't feel comfortable to get into it right away and maybe we need more time together.

    Is it really that cut and dry? If she likes me, she'd want to get into a relationship? I have a tough time believing all women approach relationships that way.

    Anyway, I don't know what to do - do I contact her first, or wait?

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