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Thread: Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?

  1. #11
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    Yea I figure there's no reason for her to lock herself down. If this is going to continue, the next step has to be her's. But like I said, I get the vibe that she'd rather move on than try and keep me around.

    I had drafted up a short email to send to her, but deleted it last night; nothing about 'us', but she's been wanting to see some of my photographs and I was going to send her a few. I think it's somewhat innocuous, but I need to restrain myself.

    NYC is indeed large and i'm not going to lie, i've talked to other girls while she and I were dating. It's just getting through the week that stinks. I'm just sick and tired of being 'Mr. Right Now' and not 'Mr. Right'.

    Originally Posted by TakingtheBlame
    (after casually dating three months, the odds are that she's already made up her mind about you for the foreseeable future.)
    Do you think this is more because she doesn't want to be in a relationship period, or that she doesn't consider me relationship material? I know a lot of couples who dated for very long periods before committing.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member arrakis77's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by canonrebel
    Yea I figure there's no reason for her to lock herself down. If this is going to continue, the next step has to be her's. But like I said, I get the vibe that she'd rather move on than try and keep me around.
    I just got out of an almost identical situation after about two months. The advice on here thus far has been spot on. You don't need to cut anything off officially, but pull back and leave the ball in her court to initiate. If she felt anything, she'll miss you and should reciprocate.

    Since you're starting to get emotionally invested as I did, it's best to act sooner rather than later to avoid excess pain. As in my case, she wasn't on the same page relationship wise and had been hurt in the past. You will want to progress things and feel like you're dragging her along.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by arrakis77
    If she felt anything, she'll miss you and should reciprocate.
    I certainly hope she did. She's ignored my texts in the past in an effort to 'let me go', but I would text her again the following day and during our chats, and she would say "it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes" when all I would say is that I wanted to see her.

    Originally Posted by arrakis77
    Since you're starting to get emotionally invested as I did, it's best to act sooner rather than later to avoid excess pain. As in my case, she wasn't on the same page relationship wise and had been hurt in the past. You will want to progress things and feel like you're dragging her along.
    If she comes to me, do I even want to continue this 'casual dating'? I know that the more I see her, the more i'll develop feelings. Sorry y'all, I know there's no answer for this, but just typing it out is a bit therapeutic.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by canonrebel
    I certainly hope she did. She's ignored my texts in the past in an effort to 'let me go', but I would text her again the following day and during our chats, and she would say "it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes" when all I would say is that I wanted to see her.
    I was seeing the same hot/cold behavior. We had great times on our dates, but she was almost completely distant in-between as well as "emotionally unavailable". I pursued and setup almost all the dates but it got old, fast.

    Originally Posted by canonrebel
    If she comes to me, do I even want to continue this 'casual dating'? I know that the more I see her, the more i'll develop feelings. Sorry y'all, I know there's no answer for this, but just typing it out is a bit therapeutic.
    This is the worst kind of dating in my opinion and three months is a long time to be doing it. How can anyone "see where it goes" if you're closed off and decided from the beginning? As much as you may want to, continuing to see her will be like digging yourself into a deeper pit.

    Give her and yourself some space. Try and date other girls. This will help get you into a more rational mindset so if/when she comes to you, you will be able to be "non-chalant" and respond appropriately (friendly yet not overly eager). If she wants it, her words and actions must strongly reflect it.

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  6. #15
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    I hear ya. I grew up in NYC, did my share of dating, and went through that same feeling of "why am I never Miss Right?" Frankly, the biggest thing holding me back from being Miss Right to someone was my waiting around for guys who were very clearly making me Miss Right Now and wasting valuable time, energy and emotion on them.

    I honestly don't think it matters whether she doesn't want to be in a relationship or a relationship with you...fact of the matter is, she probably doesn't even know which it is. All she knows is she's young, attractive and wants to have fun and NYC is a playground for such people...for the young and attractive, the City can encourage this unattached behavior more than discourage it. She may just keep running around until she burns out emotionally and is ready to settle down with whomever is around at the moment, or she may run into some guy at a bar tomorrow who will make her heart pound for no discernible reason and she will put everyone else aside just because of the overwhelming chemistry (perhaps without any long term goal in sight.)

    The most important thing here is, why wait around for her to figure out what she wants? Who the heck is she? Just some girl in a sea of eligible attractive girls! You are letting yourself get attached to someone who, for the time being, doesn't want you...and at worst, she may never want you that way. You can't read her mind so what good does it do to try and understand her motives? You'll find that the misery of feeling like Mr. Right Now will dissipate exponentially if you cut and run as soon as someone tells you she doesn't want something serious with you. Incidentally, this will also exponentially increase your chances of finding someone who wants you to be Mr. Right!

  7. #16
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    NYC really is a tough place to lock someone down. I've been dating around for the last four years, with the longest relationship being 5-6 months. The common denominator is that they've all been fairly young (22-23), and as I got older (28 now), the average age of the girls i've been dating has remained in the 22-23 area.

    I'm sure she likes my companionship and I know if I reached out to her again, she'd want to see me again, but I think my best option right now is to wait for her to come to me while going out and doing my own thing. Last weekend I did get drunk and made out with some girl at a bar as a means to 'move on' and believe that there are 'plenty of fish in the sea', but the time I spend with this girl is just amazing. It's just weird that she's on my gchat list and I can't exactly log off because I keep in touch with co-workers/friends through there, so I see her name in my face most of the day haha.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Day_Walker's Avatar
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    I think that your situation is fairly simple and straight forward, you will not be able to create the desire for you (and a relationship with you) that you have for her. For whatever reason she doesnt want a full on relationship and you want to at least move in that direction. You two have incompatible wants. Either enjoy what you have with her currently or move on because this girl doesnt want the same thing as you.

  9. #18
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    Yeah, locking it down here is a pain in the neck, but I've managed to do it a few times: year and a half each with two guys, one from 18-20 and another from 23-25, now with a guy for 6 months and counting since a few months before my 30th birthday. Note how much time passed between each lock-down, however! It's rough, but it can be done. Just gotta put on that battle armor and get out there! One thing I've definitely noticed though (and maybe it's just because I'm gettin' older)...the amazing times I thought I was having with the guys who were kinda lukewarm about me were really not all that amazing compared to knowing I was loved by an awesome guy (awesome people can fall in love too!).

    Isn't there any way you can block her on gchat? I'm from the old school (AIM) and gchat confuses the hell out of me.

  10. #19
    Member ladyninja30's Avatar
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    It's ok cannonrebel I'm not pro either, just a hobbyist as well. You're right in realizing she'll come to you and if she sees you out and having fun that might make her see you in a different light. (I have a guy friend who swears girls love guys that are fun)

  11. #20
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    I'm just expecting the worst, that she won't contact me at all and will let me drift away on my own, but I doubt it'll get to that. She's classy enough to have a final talk before we part ways. It's just strange that I speak as if this is already over when we just saw each other this past Saturday. Get it together!!!

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