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Girl wants to casually date...how to make her 'want' you?


canonrebel

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So i've been dating a girl for about three months. She's interested in casually dating without having any emotional investment, but when we're together, it's full-on couple type stuff. Hold hands, link arms, be openly physical with kissing, hugging, etc. and we've slept together as well. I'm not interested in a serious relationship with her yet, but would definitely like for our relationship to progress. I initiate 90% of our dates and when we're not together, we barely keep in contact...maybe a few texts here and there to see how things are going and to set the next date. We've spoken on the phone maybe once. Part of me feels that she's using me as a once-a-week boyfriend. I genuinely like being around her so i'm somewhat willing to put up with this charade, but for how long?

 

So on our last date, which was great, we had a short talk about our situation at the very end (I brought it up). I started off by sorta poking fun at our situation, how we see each other once a week (which is fine) but barely talk during the week. She was being pretty evasive and wouldn't give a straight answer. She said "I really like you and I enjoy your company, but I don't want to cross the line into emotional investment and whatnot." Alright, fine. Understandable. I want to take things slow, but we have to be moving in some direction, don't we? I don't think she's a totally heartless person or anything, because she's displayed some definite flashes of wanting to be more serious with me.

 

A little background info on her: she's a year removed from college, living in NYC. She has a solid circle of girlfriends and they all go out every weekend and spend a lot of time together. She occasionally (at least once a month) goes home for the weekend out of state.

 

I'm not trying to steal away her time because she and I both have a solid schedule and weekend plans with friends, but i'd like her to show a little more attention to me...even a little thing like a text-message here and there. Because we see each other once a week and there's little to no contact between us, the lack of feedback drives me absolutely nuts. Again, i'm the one who typically initiates the contact and the date, so do I hold off and wait for her to come to me? I think I have the discipline, but sometimes I get the feeling that she'd rather just move on than attempt to keep me around.

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I think she just wants a guy on her arm, but not a relationship. If you like that - then okay. I would actually take your own advice and not initiate dates as much. Let her call you sometime for a date. Also, I think that if she really doesn't want a relationship and you do, that you move on. Explain that you like her a lot but are looking for a relationship. And stick to it. Or casually date others, as she probably surely is, until you find the right one.

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I think she just wants a guy on her arm, but not a relationship. If you like that - then okay. I would actually take your own advice and not initiate dates as much. Let her call you sometime for a date. Also, I think that if she really doesn't want a relationship and you do, that you move on. Explain that you like her a lot but are looking for a relationship. And stick to it. Or casually date others, as she probably surely is, until you find the right one.

 

I know the biggest pitfall in dating/relationships is having expectations. And based on the great times she and I share, I expect her to come to me.

 

Like most people on this forum, i'm very afraid of getting heartbroken and I honestly have developed some emotional attraction to her. I really like spending time with her, but is it work the risk of getting hurt? I don't want to let her go just yet.

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I know the biggest pitfall in dating/relationships is having expectations. And based on the great times she and I share, I expect her to come to me.

 

Like most people on this forum, i'm very afraid of getting heartbroken and I honestly have developed some emotional attraction to her. I really like spending time with her, but is it work the risk of getting hurt? I don't want to let her go just yet.

 

I would normally say if you guys just started out casually, see where it goes. However, she was extremely clear to you when you asked about the lack of contact that she does not want to get involved. As I have found out in life and in listening to experiences on this board, you can't cajole or force someone into changing that. Her behavior to you aside from actual dates has backed up her words. Right now, that is not where you are at - you DO want a relationship. It is pretty clear.

 

btw, if you were to be in a relationship with someone who wanted a relationship, would YOU be able to see them more than once a week? Would they be invited once in awhile to come along with this set schedule of friend time? Or would you be able to sneak in a late night dessert or a dinner during your work week?

 

I would do one of two things here: 1) Be honest that you are looking for something else and end it. Tell her you really want to meet someone who is more wanting a potential relationship 2) don't be Mr. 90% anymore. Ask her out a little less to see if she steps up and asks you out more. And also at the same time, go out with other girls too. Be casual if its casual. Meet others and date multiple until you meet the one you click with or that this naturally dwindles down. But #2 would be hard if you already have feelings. It just depends on what you are looking to have.

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It just depends on what you are looking to have.

 

I'm certain now that she's not looking for a relationship and I know I can't coerce that side out of her, but I want to continue spending time together without having to be the one initiating all the contact. I wouldn't mind a spontaneous date like a late-night coffee/dessert as you suggested and would be opening to breaking my schedule here and there. I'm willing to accept that this is just a casual dating relationship for now, but it would be nice if it wasn't a one-way street.

 

In all honesty, all I want is just a little attention.

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I would say stop initiating dates and see what her reaction is. It sounds like the answer someone else said above might be true that she just wants a guy on her arm but it also sounds like she might be scared of emotional investment..maybe she's been burned bad by someone in her past? I hope you can work things out with her but if she keeps blowing you off like she is, it probably isn't worth your time.

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maybe she's been burned bad by someone in her past?

Yes.

 

Her last relationship didn't end so well. She suspected he was cheating, and acted on impulse by logging into his Facebook account to read some messages he was swapping with his friend. Turns out her intuition was right; he and his friend were talking about a girl and about how he could've 'hit' that and whatnot. It was long relationship throughout college, and on the night we met, she was still getting over the whole situation. They split in December and she and I met the following February. She actually thought that her friend who called her out that night put me up to feigning interest or keeping her entertained that night. After a long ordeal that involved emotional draining, I can understand why she wants to keep it casual.

 

As for my sn...i'm an amateur/hobbyist, not a pro!

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Agree with two sided.

 

She's young and likes to go out with girlfriends and lives in freaking NYC; she sounds like she just wants to go out and have fun and meet people, and have someone safe to fall back on when she needs male attention. I assume you live in NYC too, and that's what dating is like for most of the young folk here, or so I found. I wouldn't get so bogged down on this girl just because of the 1% chance that she may fall for you (after casually dating three months, the odds are that she's already made up her mind about you for the foreseeable future.) There's a big city out there; cut her loose before you get more attached and find another girl who's more on the same page as you (seriously, no excuse not to in a city like New York!) She's no shrinking violet...if she decides she wants you back, she knows where to find you.

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Yea I figure there's no reason for her to lock herself down. If this is going to continue, the next step has to be her's. But like I said, I get the vibe that she'd rather move on than try and keep me around.

 

I had drafted up a short email to send to her, but deleted it last night; nothing about 'us', but she's been wanting to see some of my photographs and I was going to send her a few. I think it's somewhat innocuous, but I need to restrain myself.

 

NYC is indeed large and i'm not going to lie, i've talked to other girls while she and I were dating. It's just getting through the week that stinks. I'm just sick and tired of being 'Mr. Right Now' and not 'Mr. Right'.

 

(after casually dating three months, the odds are that she's already made up her mind about you for the foreseeable future.)

 

Do you think this is more because she doesn't want to be in a relationship period, or that she doesn't consider me relationship material? I know a lot of couples who dated for very long periods before committing.

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Yea I figure there's no reason for her to lock herself down. If this is going to continue, the next step has to be her's. But like I said, I get the vibe that she'd rather move on than try and keep me around.

 

I just got out of an almost identical situation after about two months. The advice on here thus far has been spot on. You don't need to cut anything off officially, but pull back and leave the ball in her court to initiate. If she felt anything, she'll miss you and should reciprocate.

 

Since you're starting to get emotionally invested as I did, it's best to act sooner rather than later to avoid excess pain. As in my case, she wasn't on the same page relationship wise and had been hurt in the past. You will want to progress things and feel like you're dragging her along.

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If she felt anything, she'll miss you and should reciprocate.

 

I certainly hope she did. She's ignored my texts in the past in an effort to 'let me go', but I would text her again the following day and during our chats, and she would say "it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes" when all I would say is that I wanted to see her.

 

Since you're starting to get emotionally invested as I did, it's best to act sooner rather than later to avoid excess pain. As in my case, she wasn't on the same page relationship wise and had been hurt in the past. You will want to progress things and feel like you're dragging her along.

 

If she comes to me, do I even want to continue this 'casual dating'? I know that the more I see her, the more i'll develop feelings. Sorry y'all, I know there's no answer for this, but just typing it out is a bit therapeutic.

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I certainly hope she did. She's ignored my texts in the past in an effort to 'let me go', but I would text her again the following day and during our chats, and she would say "it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes" when all I would say is that I wanted to see her.

 

I was seeing the same hot/cold behavior. We had great times on our dates, but she was almost completely distant in-between as well as "emotionally unavailable". I pursued and setup almost all the dates but it got old, fast.

 

If she comes to me, do I even want to continue this 'casual dating'? I know that the more I see her, the more i'll develop feelings. Sorry y'all, I know there's no answer for this, but just typing it out is a bit therapeutic.

 

This is the worst kind of dating in my opinion and three months is a long time to be doing it. How can anyone "see where it goes" if you're closed off and decided from the beginning? As much as you may want to, continuing to see her will be like digging yourself into a deeper pit.

 

Give her and yourself some space. Try and date other girls. This will help get you into a more rational mindset so if/when she comes to you, you will be able to be "non-chalant" and respond appropriately (friendly yet not overly eager). If she wants it, her words and actions must strongly reflect it.

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I hear ya. I grew up in NYC, did my share of dating, and went through that same feeling of "why am I never Miss Right?" Frankly, the biggest thing holding me back from being Miss Right to someone was my waiting around for guys who were very clearly making me Miss Right Now and wasting valuable time, energy and emotion on them.

 

I honestly don't think it matters whether she doesn't want to be in a relationship or a relationship with you...fact of the matter is, she probably doesn't even know which it is. All she knows is she's young, attractive and wants to have fun and NYC is a playground for such people...for the young and attractive, the City can encourage this unattached behavior more than discourage it. She may just keep running around until she burns out emotionally and is ready to settle down with whomever is around at the moment, or she may run into some guy at a bar tomorrow who will make her heart pound for no discernible reason and she will put everyone else aside just because of the overwhelming chemistry (perhaps without any long term goal in sight.)

 

The most important thing here is, why wait around for her to figure out what she wants? Who the heck is she? Just some girl in a sea of eligible attractive girls! You are letting yourself get attached to someone who, for the time being, doesn't want you...and at worst, she may never want you that way. You can't read her mind so what good does it do to try and understand her motives? You'll find that the misery of feeling like Mr. Right Now will dissipate exponentially if you cut and run as soon as someone tells you she doesn't want something serious with you. Incidentally, this will also exponentially increase your chances of finding someone who wants you to be Mr. Right!

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NYC really is a tough place to lock someone down. I've been dating around for the last four years, with the longest relationship being 5-6 months. The common denominator is that they've all been fairly young (22-23), and as I got older (28 now), the average age of the girls i've been dating has remained in the 22-23 area.

 

I'm sure she likes my companionship and I know if I reached out to her again, she'd want to see me again, but I think my best option right now is to wait for her to come to me while going out and doing my own thing. Last weekend I did get drunk and made out with some girl at a bar as a means to 'move on' and believe that there are 'plenty of fish in the sea', but the time I spend with this girl is just amazing. It's just weird that she's on my gchat list and I can't exactly log off because I keep in touch with co-workers/friends through there, so I see her name in my face most of the day haha.

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I think that your situation is fairly simple and straight forward, you will not be able to create the desire for you (and a relationship with you) that you have for her. For whatever reason she doesnt want a full on relationship and you want to at least move in that direction. You two have incompatible wants. Either enjoy what you have with her currently or move on because this girl doesnt want the same thing as you.

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Yeah, locking it down here is a pain in the neck, but I've managed to do it a few times: year and a half each with two guys, one from 18-20 and another from 23-25, now with a guy for 6 months and counting since a few months before my 30th birthday. Note how much time passed between each lock-down, however! It's rough, but it can be done. Just gotta put on that battle armor and get out there! One thing I've definitely noticed though (and maybe it's just because I'm gettin' older)...the amazing times I thought I was having with the guys who were kinda lukewarm about me were really not all that amazing compared to knowing I was loved by an awesome guy (awesome people can fall in love too!).

 

Isn't there any way you can block her on gchat? I'm from the old school (AIM) and gchat confuses the hell out of me.

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It's ok cannonrebel I'm not pro either, just a hobbyist as well. You're right in realizing she'll come to you and if she sees you out and having fun that might make her see you in a different light. (I have a guy friend who swears girls love guys that are fun)

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I'm just expecting the worst, that she won't contact me at all and will let me drift away on my own, but I doubt it'll get to that. She's classy enough to have a final talk before we part ways. It's just strange that I speak as if this is already over when we just saw each other this past Saturday. Get it together!!!

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Dude, dating 22-23 year old girls in NYC when what you want is a committed relationship is like banging your head against a wall. That's the prime age and spot to be confused, immature, selfish, curious, etc. You're for real targeting the most un-relationship ready population in the world. I'd move up to girls who are your age or older if what you want is a relationship.

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I think that she is simply not ready to date. She has too much anger, as she even thought you were faking interest at first. I don't think I would take the tactic of sending her an email and ending it. I would at first simply not initiate quite as much as the first step. BTW, if you are looking for a quality relationship, don't use girls at the bar to 'get over" anyone. If you want to meet a young woman who is maybe in the 26-30 year old range and has a good head on her shoulders, the guy she makes out with at the bar is not a person she sees as boyfriend material, nor is she probably even hanging out at the bar to find men.

 

I would meet this young woman you are dating in person and tell her "you know sally sue, I realize that I didn't really listen to what you were saying last time. I understand that you are not interested in a relationship and I respect that. I realize that I don't want that. I am looking for a relationship. it seems that what we are looking for don't match and I don't want to be led when I am starting to develop feelings. I do enjoy spending time with you, but I think we aren't looking for the same thing right now." It doesn't have to be dramatic. You guys both can choose whether to never see eachother again or only once in awhile. Maybe down the road she'll be more ready or maybe not. But maybe just not contacting her as much and accepting dates from others - things will naturally dwindle. But for both parties, if you don't match, I would just be honest with her. I know its hard - I left someone who I dated a bit because I just didn't see a future. We wanted such different things and I couldn't wait around hoping he'd change to what I wanted. I was glad I didn't wait

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I must say...voicing my thoughts on the matter even to complete strangers has been very helpful. Thanks to the responses here I feel like I can go about by ordeal more logically and less emotionally.

 

I'm well aware that the 22-24 year old in NYC is NOT the committing type, but I just have more fun with them and I seem to attract them more than I do older women. I'm 28, but a 'young' 28, and I look younger than I really am. It's a conundrum because I get along better with the younger girls, but they have no real interest in commitment. On the other hand, i've dated older girls who may share a common long-term interest with me, but things tend to move too fast. Maybe I need a break from women for a few months?

 

Anyhoo i'm glad I joined this board and i'll definitely be back to update my situation with her. Who knows - it may actually work out.

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This situation is nearly identical if not the same to a girl that I was dating..it's almost scary. We too went out on dates and started to do things couples would like kissing, holding hands, being close together. In fact, as each date progressed it felt more and more like we were on the path to an actual relationship. But there was one problem. We NEVER talked in between dates. If we did, I would always have to initiate everything. Never heard a text or call from her at all unless I did so first. I even stopped texting her for a whole entire week and still never heard anything from her.

 

I think you summed it up best. This girl I was dating was using me as a once a week boyfriend (more like once a month boyfriend because we only went on a date once every three weeks). I never asked her though what she wanted, I wish I did but it doesn't matter at this point because being a once a week or a boredom partner got old fast. If you already talked to this girl and she told you she is not interested in a relationship then I think you know what to do. But no one on this message board can speak for that girl or give you the right answer. Only you and her can get that from one another.

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Honestly, I don't think our situations are identical. You saw her once every three weeks, which is way too infrequent (I would've ended it by the third date), while I saw her once a week. I should clarify that while the communication during the first 1.5 months wasn't frequent (every other day), it was still somewhat mutual and we had a great repoire. I don't see how you can accumulate an emotional attraction by seeing someone almost once a month!

 

Weakness is starting to kick in - i'm so tempted to send her a message through gchat. Our last date together wasn't bad - in fact it was absolutely great - but we ended it with that talk, where she didn't want to get emotionally invested.

 

I feel like telling the entire story might be best, so if you're in for a read and want to help me out, here it goes...

 

About 1.5 months in, things were getting a little closer and we started opening up, talking about past relationships. She told me about her last relationship, which I had detailed in an earlier post, and I told her a bit about my past. My last real relationship ended after two years because I had met someone else. I also told her that the day I met her, I was actually on a date with someone else (but a very bad, pity third date). Maybe I shouldn't have told her that because I fear that might've scared her and forever labeled me as a certain type of guy. I told her that on a Tuesday, and I texted her again on Friday to see if she was free. I didn't get any response, but didn't think much of it. I called later that night, no pick-up. I texted again the following day and she responded with:

 

"**** I don't know what to say but this isn't working right now but if you want to talk sometime soon id like to too. It's nothing that you did okay"

 

I was admittedly taken aback by that, and so I responded and we set up a meeting for the following day to talk. I was expecting:

 

a) I'm not into you anymore

b) I met someone else

c) I don't want a relationship right now

 

But what she said was that she didn't want to deal with any emotional distress, because she thought I was the type of guy that might break her heart? I guess my past plus the fact that I asked her out when I was with someone else (she mentioned that exactly) was a red flag for her, and by getting into a relationship and getting emotionally invested, she might be in for some serious heartbreak later on, so it was a way to nip it at the bud before we got any closer. We talked it out and we decided we'd continue seeing each other. The next day, I texted her with a good morning, we exchanged a few texts, and she asked what I was doing on Thursday. SHE initiated the first get-together after our 'talk'.

 

So we meet on Thursday, and I really didn't know what to expect. Do we continue where we left off, do we take a step back, do we start over, or are we just hanging out as friends? Right off the bat, she warms up to me, saying I look good and whatnot and we enjoy one of our best nights out, and we sleep together for the first time that night. The following Saturday, I texted her again to see what she was doing during the day, and she responded with:

 

"Hey, i'm actually meeting my friends from back home. Sorry I need some time I feel like whenever we hang out I get ahead of myself."

 

I responded with "hey, I can understand, have a great weekend!" and she responded positively. I texted her Monday asking how her weekend was, she was very cheery and asked about mine, and we set a date again for Thursday. The day we were supposed to meet, she hit me with news that she had an early meeting the following day that was out of state, and that she had to wake up really early to catch a train. I said I didn't mind a shorter date, that a short dinner or drink would've been fine, and so we met up and spent another great time, just sitting by the pier downtown and holding each other. We left around 10 and I took her home in a cab, and I asked if I could stay over for just 15 minutes. We ended up lying down in bed, talking, and around midnight I said "hey, if you to get sleep and want me to leave, I can go, it's okay." but she insisted I stay. I ended up sleeping over with her in my arms, we woke up really early, I took her to the train station, shared a nice breakfast, and kissed her goodbye. I had a business trip that following week with a Sunday night departure, and her parting words to me were "have a good trip, if I don't see you before your trip i'll see you when I get back" and we shared a passionate kiss. It was still early so I trekked it home with a big smile on my face.

 

That was Friday morning and I didn't hear from her all weekend, so around 5PM on Sunday, I texted her letting her know I was on my way to the airport. She fired back a text immediately with "ohh I was just about text you!". Again, big smile on my face. I got back Wednesday, texted her to let her know I was back, and again got a cheery response. This time, SHE said "so, food soon?", initiating the next date. We set a date for Friday afternoon (we both played hooky from work). We had planned a nice date at a botanic garden but the day was surprisingly chilly and gloomy, and upon meeting up, we decided to nix the plans and just hang out locally. We were just walking around the city, with her saying things like "Stop being so cute." and things of that nature. We're at a cafe, just talking and enjoying a beverage, and she's getting a ton of emails from work. Turns out she didn't have a day off, but she just told them she was working from home and hoped she wouldnt have much to do. I told her she should just go back home and work and that we would meet later that night. She had dinner plans with her friends and she said she'd call when they were done. She texts me around 8:30 that night and says:

 

"Sigh, my friends are angry that im not staying out with them, they said im not allowed to hang with you tonight..."

 

I didn't see the text bc I was out having dinner (i had plans but was ready to break them to see her again) so i replied 30 minutes later with "haha alright, have fun" which may have sounded a bit...pissy. But it really wasn't, I was cool with it, yet a tad disappointed. She immediately responded with

 

"Augh I dont know I feel like i'm doing something wrong either way. Alright then you have fun too."

 

I decided to call her after to clear the air, and I said "hey, I just want you to know that it's totally cool, don't feel bad at all." and a little later I said "I don't know how much longer I can do this once-a-week thing..." and she responded with a "yeahhh...", agreeing with what I had to say. We said goodbye, and it just left a bad taste in my mouth, so I texted her not much later saying

 

"Hey. HAVE FUN. I'll see you soon. It's worth the wait I promise."

 

I didn't get a response at all until around 2:30 AM, which she said:

 

"Ah, forgot to say, I kinda liked your text before. The weather's nasty out, going home. gnite"

 

Alright, so it seems positive, no?

 

That was the unfortunate night I decided to make out with some girl at a bar.

 

So I didn't text her back until Tuesday, with a "Hey, how was your weekend +Monday?" and I got no response whatsoever. I texted her again the following day with "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. I kno I said it's worth the wait, but you're killin me here! Miss you." to which she responded with "ack can you chat on gchat? i'm adding you..." and we chatted for a couple of hours. It was a really great chat, she was saying some great things to me - things you wouldn't say if you were trying to keep your arms distance from someone. Things like:

 

(after a joke) "you're way less creepy in real life, or am i just attracted to your good looks"

 

I also promised to bring her a rock from London (where my business trip was) and after another joke, I said "I need to make it up to you" to which she responded with:

 

"more rocks for my rock collection =)"

 

I also said somewhere in there "I just want to see you" to which she responded with:

 

"it frustrates me that you're so sweet sometimes."

 

It was a Wednesday and I asked if she was free that night or the night after, and she had plans, so she suggested lunchtime on Saturday. Saturday rolls around, another GREAT time together. Absolutely great. Sat around at a park, just talked, walked around the city, she bought a sketchbook and she started to draw me. I walked her home and that's when I brought up (from an earlier post in this thread)

 

"So on our last date, which was great, we had a short talk about our situation at the very end (I brought it up). I started off by sorta poking fun at our situation, how we see each other once a week (which is fine) but barely talk during the week. She was being pretty evasive and wouldn't give a straight answer. She said "I really like you and I enjoy your company, but I don't want to cross the line into emotional investment and whatnot."

 

I don't remember word for word what she said, but she kept hugging me and saying "I don't knowww..." and things of that nature, and even mentioned that she tried to keep me away and hope i'd just forget about her (hence the not replying to my text until I texted her again the next day). We decided to end the convo without any real resolution, I walk her to her door, we kiss for a bit, and we part ways. Haven't spoken to her or heard from her since.

 

I surely do apologize for this lengthiness but work is slow today and I feel like I should get the entire story out there. I truly believe that she does have strong feelings for me and is trying what she can to suppress those feelings, not that she has no interest in a relationship. She's not that type of girl. Her friends as a group are definitely into city exploration and what not, but I think there are real feelings there. What do you think?

 

Any response is welcome. Thanks. +1,000 points if you read everything

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