Why would dumpers come back to a dumpee??!

I mean, if someone breaks up and leaves a relationship, doesn't he or she take the risk to lose the dumpee forever?

Would someone who still loves his/ her partner be truly willed to take that risk?

Didn't they balance the pros and cos of staying or leaving and finally came to the conclusion that breaking up is the better choice for them, that leaving is the right thing to do?

Aren't they afraid, they caused so much pain or mistrust by their behaviour during and post break up to the dumpee, that things can't be fixed again?

And if they leave because they think the grass is greener, doesn't that show, something was lacking in the relationship, so it felt right for them to leave and try their luck with someone else?

And even if that new relationship won't work out, that doesn't neccessarily have to mean they reach out to their ex again, I guess most dumpers simply continue moving on any trying to find someone new then... or am I wrong?!

I can't imagine they constantly wonder if they made the right choice... probably most dumpers simply have moved on from the past long ago...

Just my thoughts....

Why would dumpers return? Why would they change their mind as time goes by?

Just wondering lately...

What are your opinions on this??

all the above. Depending on the person and the circumstance. one time they may do something different, sometimes people freak out, some use it for manipulation, some are ready to leave, some arent sure and realize later.

I dumped him, but just because he had to solve some things regarding his life, he wasn t able to invest in our relationship, in spite of his feelings for me, so I give him space, time to focus on his life... Because I had no problem with him, I liked him, I had problem with the circumstances (that can be changed) so yes, I would like to have him back, if he changed his circumstances and if he really wants me... So my answer is yes, dumpers might want their ex back... we still might have feelings etc... we still care about our ex...

btw some come back to have a backup plan, they are lonely, or just want sex, or to be friends, but not lovers.

All depends on circumstances, reasons why they dumped their partner, their lifestyle, their past? You could have a very nasty break-up that results in dumper or dumpee moving out of a home, lots of financial baggage etc and the act of doing all of that can sometimes put a final seal on some relationships e.g There are not many people who divorce that get married or go back to that same person again is there? (well if you are Liz Taylor, maybe!)

I think the following are some reasons why dumpers return

1. They acted irrationally and too hastily and their character is so proud that they hang on and hang on to their decision until finally they realise that the decision was not the best for them after all, whether the dumpee takes them back at this stage? (may take a year or more with some uber proud, stubborn people and then its just too late)

2. The grass was not greener and the person they left their ex for did not live up to their expectations and / or maybe they got dumped so then go running back to the person they dumped with tail between their legs

3. Loneliness, plain and simple. They wanted out of the relationship because they weren't happy or they were not in love but now that months have gone by and no other person is entertaining them, they get lonely and nostalgic and come running back. I think this is one of the worst kind of return, as these types can just string you along until someone they perceive to be better turns up, but in the meantime, they get the perks and comfort of being in a relationship instead of being alone.

4. Some people truly don't realise what they have lost until it is gone. They maybe got tired of being nagged for more commitment or they just didnt really think this person was right for them, then hey presto because this person is no longer in their life, they feel awful and depressed and wake up and think 'why do I feel awful without them?, oh my god!! I must love them, I want them back' This happens......but sadly not very often

Simply, I think it boils down to two reasons:

1) They know they made a mistake

or

2) They couldn't find anyone better/they are lonely, etc.

I'm with zaza34. Sometimes the circumstances CAN and DO change. Perhaps the only way to do what's right for you in the situation is to leave. The other person either sorts out their issues and makes real changes or they don't. We can't control it, from the dumper or dumpee position.

In most cases I'd venture to say because it didn't work out for them elsewhere.

In my case, he's bipolar and apparently, his meds weren't working anymore. While we were apart, he switched to different ones, and started "coming around", as it were, to realize what he was missing. Which is why I'm concerned lately, because for financial reasons he has stopped taking the new ones, and I'm starting to see some unpleasant behavior patterns re-surfacing.

However, most Dumpers don't come back because of new medication, lol...so I'd guess most reconciliations fall into one of two categories: 1) The Dumper realizing that the grass ISN'T greener on the other side and in fact is sometimes downright brown and nasty, and 2) the Dumper getting lonely/not satisfied in rebound relationship/getting dumped by rebound.

Because usually people only appreciate something when it's gone.

Because they realised that they'll find no-one better.

Because they are attracted to your confidence to walk away.

Doesn't usually happen, but sometimes it does. Best to go NC and see if they do the work the apologise and work to get you back.

Well to answer your question, people change their mind all the time, maybe breaking up was what they thought was best for them then but has since changed their mind due to time and distance and whatever reason.

Sometimes people are together for so long that the relationship becomes such a norm and one feels that they are missing out on exciting things so they leave to see whats out there and than realize that what they had was amazing and want it back. You always want what you can't have, its true!! and while you've dumped your girl or guy you can't have them so you long for them because you don't have that other part of you that made you whole.

Sometimes people are together for so long that the relationship becomes such a norm and one feels that they are missing out on exciting things so they leave to see whats out there and than realize that what they had was amazing and want it back. You always want what you can't have, its true!! and while you've dumped your girl or guy you can't have them so you long for them because you don't have that other part of you that made you whole.

Classic GIGS

Thanks to all of your answers and they definetely make sense to me!

I still think that most dumpers don't return. I guess, most of them simply continuing moving on without looking back. Maybe it's guilt, fear of rejection that keeps them from contacting the dumpees again or because the grass was indeed greener on the other side.

I guess, I'm just being realistic ...

I wouldn't venture to say that "most" don't return. Given the fact that many married people state they once had a significant break up during their relationship I don't find it to be as rare as we make it out to be. I think what makes it seem like it's impossible is the fact that when the chance arrives, most of us decide to just never look back and move on. As in, we choose not to revisit the past. Relationships aren't set in stone and it's clearly possible people change their minds..they chose to date you, they chose to dump you, they can choose to date you again. Whether or not you agree is a different story.

I dumped him, but just because he had to solve some things regarding his life, he wasn t able to invest in our relationship, in spite of his feelings for me, so I give him space, time to focus on his life... Because I had no problem with him, I liked him, I had problem with the circumstances (that can be changed) so yes, I would like to have him back, if he changed his circumstances and if he really wants me... So my answer is yes, dumpers might want their ex back... we still might have feelings etc... we still care about our ex...

I can relate to that. Some people need time to figure out what they really want in life, I got back with my ex, she is going travelling in 2 months, I decided to end it because of this. She needs to spend some time by herself and I mean 'by herself' not with me in the back of her mind!!! She has issues she needs to solve!...

I wouldn't venture to say that "most" don't return. Given the fact that many married people state they once had a significant break up during their relationship I don't find it to be as rare as we make it out to be. I think what makes it seem like it's impossible is the fact that when the chance arrives, most of us decide to just never look back and move on. As in, we choose not to revisit the past. Relationships aren't set in stone and it's clearly possible people change their minds..they chose to date you, they chose to dump you, they can choose to date you again. Whether or not you agree is a different story.

With my current ex, I would really like to believe what you say, Kailynn. But honestly, my situation is very hopeless (since we were in a LDR and my ex probably got married to the girl he left me for already - he broke up last August) and I guess that is why I'm kind of negative (or realistic?!), I don't know. I'm afraid I'll never hear from him again.

It depends very much on the situation, the circumstances and the people involved, I guess. And I know, no one can predict what the future holds, only time will tell.

I'm only speaking from my experience and the break ups I saw from friends and family. And apart from 3 couples that got back together (but ended up breaking up for good in the end or end up breaking up and making up for several times), the rest stayed broken up and haven't looked back (or at least haven't taken any actions on getting back together if they did look back). And a couple of my friends around my age got married already or are about to get married this year and none of them had a significant break up before they married each other. Maybe my friends are an exception.

Of course, people can realize after months or even years apart that they made a huge mistake or they can change their mind all the time. But who says it really was a mistake for them if breaking up felt right for them at a certain time, even if it was a good relationship, with no abuse or cheating, then that would be a different story? I guess there is never really a right or wrong when it comes to love and relationships.

I mean, OK, I know, my ex was very happy with me and truly loved me at one time until something started bothering him and he become unhappy, so he started looking for someone else to make him happy again and left me. Who says his new girlfriend isn't a good match either, different from me, but good for him as well? And even if she doesn't turn out to be the "right" one for him eventually, isn't it more likely for him to move on and try his luck with someone new again. Don't you think that when someone breaks up with you, they know how much pain they caused you and they know the strong bond you shared might got broken and it would take hard work to fix it again, if it can be totally repaired at all? Do you know, what I mean? Isn't it the easier way for them to simply move on? Don't most people choose the easier way....

Maybe I'm just in a negative phase right now.... don't know...

I hope to receive more answers to this thread!!! ;-)

I'm not sure if it's easier to be honest. Let's assume your exes new lady is a rebound. If it's statistically accurate, like most, it won't matter if he married her or not, it's still a rebound. Then, assuming it's been a while since he heard from you, someone familiar and who he knows can make him happy, he'll be curious. I think people always tend to revert back to what's familiar, kind of like breaking a bad habit. Getting back into a relationship for that reason might be stupid but, if the dumpee actually used the breakup for valuable growth time, it might just be the relationship you both were looking for. Usually people learn from their different relationships, I know that all too well as the one before my recent split really messed me up. The point is though, that just because it didn't work once does doesnt mean it won't ever.

Thanks for your positive words Kailynn! I wished you words would apply to my situation as well!

It's just that I think in my case chances are very slim to ever hear from him again. It wasn't a nasty break up or anything, I left him alone and went NC immediately when he broke up with me. But still, I think he knows, how much his behaviour of leaving me for someone else hurt me. And I just can't imagine him ever reaching out to me again.

It makes absolutely sense to me what you are saying and I believe, it happens many times that dumpers tend to go back to a dumpee, someone familiar, who knows them pretty well and who was able to make them happy at one time. But I think there are also many, probably even more who simply moved on. And even if they have fond memories of a past relationship, I still think the majority of dumpers don't revisit the past. But that is just my humble opinion. Maybe I'm wrong.

I just think the circumstances in my case (the distance and the fact that he most possibly already married her in order to be able to legally live together with her) make things even more complicated and any contact from him far less likely. Don't you think?!

I asked him to wait for me until I will have finished my exams end of this year and then after getting my degree, I would have moved to him. But he didn't want to wait for me and left instead.

He really might get curious and wonder about me after not hearing from me at all, but that doesn't neccessarily mean he will act on it, I'm afra...

I truly loved him with all my heart and he knew it, yet he simply disappeared as if he was never even part of my life... this is what makes me think, he doesn't even care enough to ever contact me again... And I'm not really sure, if his new girlfriend/ fiancee/ wife (whatever) is a rebound, to be honest....

I wish I was more confident about it, but I can't help myself...

No other comments on my thread??

I really don't know what to make of it. We split up about three months ago, always thought she would come to. I have been stupid and sent zillions if emails so imagine I have pushed her to the point of really cementing her decision.

Only thing I have left is to leave her alone, but seriously doubt she will change her mind now. As much I still want her to. When together she was very expressive with her emotions and now I dont even get a crumb. Well and truly over I assume she is. Even though the only reason I think the split happened was because she was bored

I thought, I'll bring back this old thread of mine... maybe there are some other opinions on this topic? Looking forward to your thoughts ;-)

Hi Destiny,

Im pretty much thinking like you, i was the dumpee. Ive done everything i thought i should to keep hold of the woman i love. Ive been NC for 8 days now it and it is iterally killing me. I just cant see her reaching out to me again, especially as she knows how much she has hurt me i think. I understand i need to heal and grieve the relationship, but my whole being is hoping for her to see sense. My story is here if interested : enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=391709

Sometimes the person who breaks off the relationship does so because, in their mind and in their lives, there is not another choice. So they back away from the relationship, fix the things that are wrong with them or their life circumstances, and then possibly, try and resurrect what was.....

do they believe they can climb the wall of distrust/hurt they may have created? I would assume most assuredly not. But they want to try.

do the think the other person has "waited"....again, doubtful. But that was a chance they took.

Sometimes you make choices in life that are difficult, and sometimes --- life gives you a second chance.

To me it's a little like going on a strict lifestyle/diet change.

You eat junk food and get fat (bad relationship with significant other) you decide "I am done with significant other (junk food) so you dump the person (throw away all the junk food in the house) and you go on a 3 week journey of eating tofu...veggies and fruit. Every day it's a major battle because you're PINING away for what you know (potato chips, ice cream, doughnuts, bagels with loads of cream cheese..snickers...)...

Does that make sense? It doesn't make the dumper the BAD guy it just makes dumpers more weak willed. They do have legitimate reasons for dumping the dumpee...they just miss the familiarity sometimes...