your ex isn't that great

I see so many people joining this site fresh after a break up wanting so badly to get back with their ex and making every excuse in the book for them(I was one of those people). Why? What about you? What about YOUR feelings and YOUR healing. Forget your ex, if they were soo right for you, would it have ended?

Ladies- why do you want to go back to the guy who treated you like garbage? Why do you want to go back to the guy who was only in it for sex? The guy who was stuck in the 30s and needs someone to cook and clean for him? The guy who drank and became verbally abusive and demeaning of you? The player who can't stick with one lady? And what about the classic crybaby who pouts when you choose to have a night out with your friends over him for once? Or, my favorite, the control freak?

Guys- why do you want to go back to the girl who got on your case every time you went to the bar with your buddies? The cold girl who never showed you the love you showed her? Why do you want to go back to the girl who cheated? Why do you want to go back to the girl who you constantly did special things for, she hardly showed any happiness for it, but then when you did the littlest thing it was put under a microscope and you got the silent treatment for days which made you feel like the world's biggest jerk(my ex)? Do you really want to go back to that girl who used you as a rebound and just bailed as soon as the butterflies were gone?

Truth is, we can ALL find happiness with a new person. None of us are perfect, but neither are our exes, not by a long shot. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and IMPROVE yourself, why did you get dumped? Fix it for that next special person! Your ex clearly wasn't right for you, but somebody else out there is! You loved before, you can love again. Don't give me that "I'm not attractive enough," slap yourself if you think that. There are 7 billion people out there. Make yourself hapoy for now, you're your top priority, you answer to nobody but yourself. Let go of your ex, you deserve better, don't put your life on hold or wallow in pity for someone who CHOSE to not be with you. Get out there and be happy! You deserve it.

#lightmyfire

I agree with you 100% I too once made some of the same excuses for my ex. It took me some time to realize that she wasn't worth it. She broke up with me and obviously didn't care about my feelings anymore so why should I care about her or what she does. That breakup which I thought was the end of the world for me turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned so much from it and realized that I was a special catch for a lucky someone out there. Now I'm with a girl I love 100x more than my ex and she treats me so well; the way I deserve to be treated.

Ladies- why do you want to go back to the guy who treated you like garbage?

I think that all people subconsciously are afraid that they will not find a better one than they had. In time people can remember only the best things they had, our brains just tend to forget all the wrong. And the longer friendship was - the more we want to find a solution to solve the main break-up problem. We know that the inner problem will not solve itself just by finding a new guy or girl. And the longer relationship we had, the more we refuse to start everything over and continue from the beginning. It may take just too long. And what if that person will be worse? We spend 1,2,3,4 and more years together with our ex and the new one will be worse + use the equal number of years just to show that he can't be better (if talking about the better things happened in the past). People just tend to think that it's shorter way not to waste more years and try to find a solution to the old problem. That's why we want to start over more than to find someone new.

This post definitely has some validity to it but, I don't agree that all breakups are because the guy was a jerk or the girl was "clingy".My biggest pet peeve is when people generalize situations because it happened to them. I know plenty of people who broke up because things like money, distance, or communication, got in the way of their otherwise good relationship. No, they didn't get punched in the face every time they couldn't pay for dinner but being forced to pay every night could get a little frustrating. Perhaps people genuinely want their ex's back because they were good to them and they loved them. Just a thought..

My ex was the best!

1) Fat

2) Lazy

3) Uneducated

4) Compulsive Liar

5) Cheater

6) Player

7) Smokes

8) Drinks too much

9) Used silent treatment / passive aggressive

10) Uses people for material gain ( too lazy to work hard)

11) One-ups people. Superiority complex

12) Selfish, selfish, selfish!!

This is as good as I will ever find!!!.....LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post definitely has some validity to it but, I don't agree that all breakups are because the guy was a jerk or the girl was "clingy".My biggest pet peeve is when people generalize situations because it happened to them. I know plenty of people who broke up because things like money, distance, or communication, got in the way of their otherwise good relationship. No, they didn't get punched in the face every time they couldn't pay for dinner but being forced to pay every night could get a little frustrating. Perhaps people genuinely want their ex's back because they were good to them and they loved them. Just a thought..

Not going to disagree. The point of my OP was to point out that even if you did loveyour ex, they are never as great as you think. I understand that plenty of break ups occur for different reasons that aren't as extreme as the ones I pointed out, but there is always someone who you will be better with. And you're not going to find that person by closing yourself off from the outside world wondering what's going on with the person who it didn't work out with. Absolutely no ex is worth that to me. However, I do see plenty of people coming on here who got dumped wanting their ex back only to read that their ex had been cheating on them or something of that nature. Why would anyone want that back?

Not going to disagree. The point of my OP was to point out that even if you did loveyour ex, they are never as great as you think. I understand that plenty of break ups occur for different reasons that aren't as extreme as the ones I pointed out, but there is always someone who you will be better with. And you're not going to find that person by closing yourself off from the outside world wondering what's going on with the person who it didn't work out with. Absolutely no ex is worth that to me. However, I do see plenty of people coming on here who got dumped wanting their ex back only to read that their ex had been cheating on them or something of that nature. Why would anyone want that back?

I wouldn't but, you also have to take into account where you're reading the stories. Obviously, someone who has gone through the worlds worst breakup is going to be in a place where a 100 other people have had that same experience.

I've personally never had anyone break up with me for another girl, they've all meant what they said when we broke up and they ALL wanted me back at some point. I don't believe that there's always someone "better". I think that if you're with someone for a significant amount of time you're eventually going to have to work at the relationship. There's nothing else to it. Sure, you might find someone else who makes you feel on top of the world, without a single care, but eventually you'll be brought back to reality and realize that love isn't just an emotion but an effort you have to maintain if that person means anything to you at all. There's definitely someone better for the abusive dumpee and other such situations but, if the relationship genuinely worked it's not always fair to assume there's going to be someone better just around the corner, little bumps happen. There's no way around it.

Was hung up on my ex for months thinking she was some sort of flawless goddess but i'm now in the early stages of meeting someone else and starting to think differently about my ex, well not really thinking about her that much at all really! All I can say is good luck to her for the future - she deserves to meet the right person and so do I.

BB

Was hung up on my ex for months thinking she was some sort of flawless goddess but i'm now in the early stages of meeting someone else and starting to think differently about my ex, well not really thinking about her that much at all really! All I can say is good luck to her for the future - she deserves to meet the right person and so do I.

 

BB

See, this is what I mean. While I was with my ex I thought she was perfect, a fallen angel or something, and I treated her that way. Now looking back she was FAR from perfect. In fact, she kind of treated me with very little respect at times. I think she is generally a good person, but not nearly as great as I thought she was while we were together or durin the first week or so of being broken up. Good for you blue, I hope you find happiness with the new girl.

life changes after 35

I hear what you're saying, I really do. My relationship was genuinely good and I'm grateful for the experience and all of the fond memories. When it came down to it, and we hit a rough patch, she chose to bail at the first signs of trouble rather than work to maintain that love. This happens a lot especially in young couples. I would now rather be with someone who loves our relationship enough to work on things rather than walk away when the going gets tough. Now, I don't really blame my ex, she did what she felt was best for her at the time, and she doesn't owe me any effort to make it work. I'm starting to think we weren't as compatible as I once thought, and maybe she was the one to realize it first. I still stand by my message, although she is a good person, she is far from flawless and not worth wallowing over.

People love to kick themselves in the teeth. Valid thread.

i think my exes are genuinely decent people. but it's also great that i'm not with them.

i think it's awesome if you've found the awareness to objectively look at your past relationships and realize where you sold yourself short. how else are you going to ensure that you don't keep falling down the same holes again and again. if someone wasn't meeting your needs...and you couldn't effectively find a resolution to that problem...then why'd you stick it out so long? probably be good to know for the next one!

can definitely see the appeal of putting focus on what you're no longer missing out on. i think sometimes it has a tendency to kind of backfire though. easy to get complacent in how you live your own life...to seek the path of least resistance and conveniently forget to look at your own business. it also becomes increasingly easier to focus on all the ways other people are 'flawed' and 'lacking', and consequently you might start missing out on the good stuff as a result. better to focus on where you are and where you're heading, instead of where you've been.

sounds like you're in a good place, gator.

Absolutely correct. I don't want my anyone to think my ex or their ex is a complete piece of garbage, some of them might be, but most are probably decent folk. I just want people to know that their ex isn't as high and mighty as they once thought. When you really think about it, it's silly to wait around and put your life on hold or shut yourself down for someone who wasn't happy with you. "I will never find someone better" is a bunch of bs. The only one stopping you from finding happiness in a different person is yourself. I think it's a good thing to pick out the flaws in your ex and think objectively and say "maybe he/she wasn't that great." However, the last thing I want to do is become jaded and figure all girlfriends are like that and there's no point. I like my ex as a person, but as a girlfriend? Not so great.

Thank you Thagator for your posting. I really needed to read it this morning.

Thank you Thagator for your posting. I really needed to read it this morning.

No problem. Trying to make people feel better and trying to give advice has actually helped me in getting over my break up. Weird?

Thats a great post mate, have to agree with all you've said

So true...and yet it happens so often. My ex as of last week treated me with the utmost indifference and disrespect and coldness, barely spent time with me, cancelled many dates, all in all, I felt more alone in the relationship than if I were single. And yet, my biggest wish is to see his number on my phone screen. Same thing happened when he broke up with me 3 months ago (2nd breakup)...I wanted nothing but to hear from him, and when I finally did, I cried tears of joy. But if I had to explain logically why...I couldn't. All I can come up with is that we need some sort of validation from the people who dumped us, because when we got dumped, we felt like there was something wrong with us, and the only person who could prove us wrong is the dumper. If the ex comes back, hey, maybe we are not so bad after all! Also, we want what we can't have, and a person who chose to dispose of us is the hardest person to have.

Hope. You look around and you see couples that went through hell and made it back to each other. Enough so that you hold out "hope". Blast that all you want but it is a simple truth.

My ex didn't treat me like garbage till the very end when he cheated and left me for someone else. His words didn't match his actions at all. I have yet to understand why a man tells you about his long term plans and wants you to join him, buys you a 200 dollar bday present, comes with you to a major event like your sisters wedding, gets himself in tight with your family and then cheats on you with a seriously unattractive woman, who treats him like garbage (controls, manipulates ect ect) Why would a man opt out of a good, decent relationship, for one like that?! We could talk about anything, we could do anything together, no problems with intamacy...seriously....just seriously * * * ?! It is just one of those things I will never understand.

This is a great original post. Relationships that don't work because of distance etc are not valid in this post. However, most relationships end because of personal incompatibility. The point is that you don't need to desire someone else to be happy, to be loved, because you should love yourself. You are only suffering because you don't accept it and are killing the love within yourself when a break up happens. I see plenty of people on here that don't understand that. I want to meet someone that has that mindset. True happiness comes from within, you don't NEED someone else to bring you happiness.

Some people here skip all of the growing bs. To me that is fine for them, but myself, I don't like to psychologically mind * * * * someone to get them back. I want someone that compliments me naturally. I have done a lot of growing in a month. I am nowhere near where I want to be. Also Kailynn had a great point here.

I think that if you're with someone for a significant amount of time you're eventually going to have to work at the relationship. There's nothing else to it. Sure, you might find someone else who makes you feel on top of the world, without a single care, but eventually you'll be brought back to reality and realize that love isn't just an emotion but an effort you have to maintain if that person means anything to you at all.

This to me is why a ton of relationships fail. People look at love as their own IDEA/ butterfly feeling fairy tale ending love. That is NOT by any means what love is. And my friends, you can't love the right way until you love yourself. Not a person in the world can love you properly unless you love yourself.

I understand that some people do not look at it this way. All I can tell you is that it's taken me 12 years to get to this understanding. I am a spiritual person, but I know it to be the truth in my heart.

My ex didn't treat me like garbage till the very end when he cheated and left me for someone else. His words didn't match his actions at all. I have yet to understand why a man tells you about his long term plans and wants you to join him, buys you a 200 dollar bday present, comes with you to a major event like your sisters wedding, gets himself in tight with your family and then cheats on you with a seriously unattractive woman, who treats him like garbage (controls, manipulates ect ect) Why would a man opt out of a good, decent relationship, for one like that?! We could talk about anything, we could do anything together, no problems with intamacy...seriously....just seriously * * * ?! It is just one of those things I will never understand.

Just revisited this thread and really noticed this post. Do not be down about somebody who would do that to you. Seriously. The way I look at cheaters is that if they are willing to do that to me then I'm too good for them and they showed through their actions that they don't deserve me. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty, it's just the truth. Ladyninja, you should hopefully breeze through your healing period keeping in mind there are much better guys out there, ones who won't cheat on you.

I am going through this exact thing! I like to blog about it, I find it helps me to get my thoughts organized so I can decide how I really feel about things.

I wrote 'The Perfect On Paper Man' about this exact thing, how we think they are so great but they aren't. Here is a link if you are interested: link removed

I also wrote one about how hard it is to let go of them, even if we know they treat us terribly: link removed

If you read them let me know what you think, feedback really helps in this process

Just revisited this thread and really noticed this post. Do not be down about somebody who would do that to you. Seriously. The way I look at cheaters is that if they are willing to do that to me then I'm too good for them and they showed through their actions that they don't deserve me. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty, it's just the truth. Ladyninja, you should hopefully breeze through your healing period keeping in mind there are much better guys out there, ones who won't cheat on you.

Thank you for this. It has been hard to just breeze through a healing period especially when you saw a future with someone. I hold a lot of anger still about it. I'm also just now 31 and if I am to safely have kids before I'm 40, that's 9 years and a very small window of hope. I think perhaps all I'm meant to do is finish school and get a career but not much other than that.

Ladyninja, 2 of my sisters had children in their late 30's. It worked out fine. They are happy. I have been through the same as you, but I am much older. You are still young.