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Thread: First date after break up and I feel lost

  1. #1
    JadeFromVenus
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    First date after break up and I feel lost

    For the first time in my life Im doing everything right.
    I have let him go with dignity (sometimes I ask myself, if it wasn't even too much), I have sticked to NC for 4 months now, and Ive started dating again.
    I have put up such a huge effort that sometimes I wonder how can it be that Im still alive.

    So I went out tonight and had a lovely dinner and conversation with a work colleague who asked me out. We had a lovely night and I can't say one single thing against him; I also kept telling myself that new guys don't have to be "the one" but just new friends. But I already know, it won't work. It felt like being with ... myself, with nothing to learn.

    Im home now and I miss my ex boyfriend so much, just so much that it's hard to find the words. Like missing an arm or something that completed me perfectly and I don't know where Ill be able to find anymore.

    I know this is normal. I know that time heals all.
    But I wonder I just wonder when I will start feeling whole again.

    If somebody is having the same experience, Id love to share thoughts with you, it would help a lot. Thank you so much for reading me.
    Last edited by JadeFromVenus; 04-27-2011 at 06:15 PM.

  2. #2
    doyathink
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    I'm going though it too. I stopped dating last week. I cant bring myself to care at all for another man yet, and I dont want to hurt anyone...so I'm laying off the dating till I'm healed.

  3. #3
    dumpedinshock
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    yea it sucks, i'm trying but i just cant feel anything towards anyone, even my ex,lol

  4. #4
    cantcry
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    I've had the same experience too. Initially I thought that enough time has passed and that I was okay enough to go on dates but I'd always come home feeling lonely afterwards. I'd find myself comparing the date with the ex and the whole thing just made me miss the ex more. So I just wasn't ready. And like everyone else who's replied, it'll just take a little more time, that's all.

  5. #5
    hotnspicychikn
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    I can't even think about going on a date yet. It's only 1 month out from being dumped for me but I know it will be a long time before I am ready for a date. It's actually a scary thought. I have not dated in like 11 years. But it's OK not to be ready to date. So we need time to heal? Then we deserve time to heal first. There's no rush. I mean we would all love to be healed now and not have to go through the pain but it's part of the process and we are where we are. For now all we can do is accept where we are at and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday it has to get better.

  6. #6
    hermano
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    Yup, pretty much everything you said is spot on. The only contribution I'd like to make is this:

    Many people will say "don't date until you're ready" and, while I agree with this, I think there's a tendency to wait way too long. People do things all the time that they don't feel like doing (go to work, go to the gym, etc) but they do it because they know it's what's right for them.

    If you reach a point where you're obsessing over the ex and you're in a huge rut, you should keep dating casually. Set the proper expectations and keep viewing it as a way to have fun. Even though I haven't found anyone special since my ex, casual dating played a big role in helping me get out of the mindset that only being with the ex will make me happy. It's a great reminder that there are tons of other people out there, even if you haven't met the ideal one yet. Just keep letting time to its thing and try to have a ton of fun in the meantime!

  7. #7
    JadeFromVenus
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    Thank you guys

    it meant a lot finding your words opening the thread again; the comfort you get from somebody who's been there or experiencing the same thing right now is priceless..

    even if I know that there's no real answer
    even if I know I have to keep up the struggle on my own

    sharing feels good

    The thing is (and I don't know if any of you have experienced this) I have detached or tried to detach from my own deeper feelings so much, in these last months, just to survive the pain, that sometimes I feel Im being too detached or too "good" in seeing things from above for my own good. Like:

    - i don't feel the need of other men attention on me cause Ive learned at a very hard price that you gotta be emotionally self-sufficient. So all the usual tips on the line "dating will make you feel stronger and more confident" are having no effect on me; as some of you say, Im more scared of unwillingly hurting somebody else than interested in being flattered. What sort of woman am I becoming??!

    - My ex has started dating somebody less than 3 weeks after we broke up (better, since the last time we really talked, cause the word "breaking up" still has never been mentioned!!) and Im putting all my energy not thinking this is just a rebound but believing that either it is or not our chances to be together are too slim for me to bother about the whole rebounding thing. It's like trying to survive an awful headache without painkillers. I wonder if this is not the reason I can't really have "lots of fun" going out with others; I feel like a freakin war machine right now, how can you enjoy a date with this attitude?

    Ok, enough of rambling
    I just wanted to say thank you. You helped me; your wisdom, and courage, and just the fact of being there, somewhere, relating to my feelings.

    blessings

  8. #8
    Tryptophan
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    I've gone on dates with a couple of guys. They distract me somewhat and they're fun but they're not him so it's sh*tty. Sometimes I ask myself how he feels when he's with other girls though guys seem to have no problem moving on to the next one.

  9. #9
    JadeFromVenus
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsnotlove [Register to see the link]
    I've gone on dates with a couple of guys. They distract me somewhat and they're fun but they're not him so it's sh*tty. Sometimes I ask myself how he feels when he's with other girls though guys seem to have no problem moving on to the next one.
    LOL yes, probably all my rambling could have been summarized in what you said. This is what I feel, and don't admit it.
    How can it be SO easy for him (at least, from what it seems)??!!
    blah

  10. #10
    Tryptophan
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    I've asked a couple of guy friends and they say they need the female affection to feel better about themselves after a breakup. I think it's just excuses. It's clearly that they don't give a damn about our feelings. It doesn't matter, it still hurts.

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