Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: First date after break up and I feel lost

  1. #1
    JadeFromVenus
    Member JadeFromVenus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    11

    First date after break up and I feel lost

    For the first time in my life Im doing everything right.
    I have let him go with dignity (sometimes I ask myself, if it wasn't even too much), I have sticked to NC for 4 months now, and Ive started dating again.
    I have put up such a huge effort that sometimes I wonder how can it be that Im still alive.

    So I went out tonight and had a lovely dinner and conversation with a work colleague who asked me out. We had a lovely night and I can't say one single thing against him; I also kept telling myself that new guys don't have to be "the one" but just new friends. But I already know, it won't work. It felt like being with ... myself, with nothing to learn.

    Im home now and I miss my ex boyfriend so much, just so much that it's hard to find the words. Like missing an arm or something that completed me perfectly and I don't know where Ill be able to find anymore.

    I know this is normal. I know that time heals all.
    But I wonder I just wonder when I will start feeling whole again.

    If somebody is having the same experience, Id love to share thoughts with you, it would help a lot. Thank you so much for reading me.
    Last edited by JadeFromVenus; 04-27-2011 at 05:15 PM.

  2. #2
    doyathink
    Platinum Member doyathink's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Venus
    Posts
    6,267
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    8
    I'm going though it too. I stopped dating last week. I cant bring myself to care at all for another man yet, and I dont want to hurt anyone...so I'm laying off the dating till I'm healed.

  3. #3
    dumpedinshock
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    275
    yea it sucks, i'm trying but i just cant feel anything towards anyone, even my ex,lol

  4. #4
    cantcry
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    11
    I've had the same experience too. Initially I thought that enough time has passed and that I was okay enough to go on dates but I'd always come home feeling lonely afterwards. I'd find myself comparing the date with the ex and the whole thing just made me miss the ex more. So I just wasn't ready. And like everyone else who's replied, it'll just take a little more time, that's all.

  5. #5
    hotnspicychikn
    Bronze Member hotnspicychikn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    280
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    1
    I can't even think about going on a date yet. It's only 1 month out from being dumped for me but I know it will be a long time before I am ready for a date. It's actually a scary thought. I have not dated in like 11 years. But it's OK not to be ready to date. So we need time to heal? Then we deserve time to heal first. There's no rush. I mean we would all love to be healed now and not have to go through the pain but it's part of the process and we are where we are. For now all we can do is accept where we are at and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday it has to get better.

  6. #6
    hermano
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    47
    Gender
    Male
    Yup, pretty much everything you said is spot on. The only contribution I'd like to make is this:

    Many people will say "don't date until you're ready" and, while I agree with this, I think there's a tendency to wait way too long. People do things all the time that they don't feel like doing (go to work, go to the gym, etc) but they do it because they know it's what's right for them.

    If you reach a point where you're obsessing over the ex and you're in a huge rut, you should keep dating casually. Set the proper expectations and keep viewing it as a way to have fun. Even though I haven't found anyone special since my ex, casual dating played a big role in helping me get out of the mindset that only being with the ex will make me happy. It's a great reminder that there are tons of other people out there, even if you haven't met the ideal one yet. Just keep letting time to its thing and try to have a ton of fun in the meantime!

  7. #7
    JadeFromVenus
    Member JadeFromVenus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    11
    Thank you guys

    it meant a lot finding your words opening the thread again; the comfort you get from somebody who's been there or experiencing the same thing right now is priceless..

    even if I know that there's no real answer
    even if I know I have to keep up the struggle on my own

    sharing feels good

    The thing is (and I don't know if any of you have experienced this) I have detached or tried to detach from my own deeper feelings so much, in these last months, just to survive the pain, that sometimes I feel Im being too detached or too "good" in seeing things from above for my own good. Like:

    - i don't feel the need of other men attention on me cause Ive learned at a very hard price that you gotta be emotionally self-sufficient. So all the usual tips on the line "dating will make you feel stronger and more confident" are having no effect on me; as some of you say, Im more scared of unwillingly hurting somebody else than interested in being flattered. What sort of woman am I becoming??!

    - My ex has started dating somebody less than 3 weeks after we broke up (better, since the last time we really talked, cause the word "breaking up" still has never been mentioned!!) and Im putting all my energy not thinking this is just a rebound but believing that either it is or not our chances to be together are too slim for me to bother about the whole rebounding thing. It's like trying to survive an awful headache without painkillers. I wonder if this is not the reason I can't really have "lots of fun" going out with others; I feel like a freakin war machine right now, how can you enjoy a date with this attitude?

    Ok, enough of rambling
    I just wanted to say thank you. You helped me; your wisdom, and courage, and just the fact of being there, somewhere, relating to my feelings.

    blessings

  8. #8
    Tryptophan
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    917
    Gender
    Female
    I've gone on dates with a couple of guys. They distract me somewhat and they're fun but they're not him so it's sh*tty. Sometimes I ask myself how he feels when he's with other girls though guys seem to have no problem moving on to the next one.

  9. #9
    JadeFromVenus
    Member JadeFromVenus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    11
    Quote Originally Posted by itsnotlove [Register to see the link]
    I've gone on dates with a couple of guys. They distract me somewhat and they're fun but they're not him so it's sh*tty. Sometimes I ask myself how he feels when he's with other girls though guys seem to have no problem moving on to the next one.
    LOL yes, probably all my rambling could have been summarized in what you said. This is what I feel, and don't admit it.
    How can it be SO easy for him (at least, from what it seems)??!!
    blah

  10. #10
    Tryptophan
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    917
    Gender
    Female
    I've asked a couple of guy friends and they say they need the female affection to feel better about themselves after a breakup. I think it's just excuses. It's clearly that they don't give a damn about our feelings. It doesn't matter, it still hurts.

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
Slow death..... or a knife?
Once again I am really struggling today. It's been a week since I posted about struggling with NC, and today is the postponement agreement that I
I'm just so ANGRY
I think this must be a normal phase in the healing process, but jesus... I am just so ANGRY with him over these last few days!!! Before that I had
Ex apologizes? Response?
Hello, a guy I had liked and we had sorta started talking but he completely ghosted on me after a month with some bs excuse about personal stuff
Falling back down again...
So... I thought I was doing really well there for a while. I went for weeks without crying over my ex. I was really happy and productive, enjoying
Meeting her tomorrow...
Morning all... as the title says im after 3 months meeting up with my ex gf tomorrow, going for a coffee, and getting some stuff returned. Im nervous
Loneliness amongst other things..
Hello. Just a brief post here a slight vent, I suppose. I'm feeling really alone lately and I know I can't really be trying with any other
Question regarding the famous NC rule
I have a question with No Com. I know it's essential in the healing process. But what if the other party is only waiting for you to reach out and the

Featured Threads
Controlling or very opinionated?
Hi, my name is Michael. I came here for some advice on my girlfriend and I's relationship. I am 17 and she is 16 and we've been dating for just shy
Women who prefer/only date younger men
I am dating a woman who is 9 years older than me. However, going after younger guys doesn't appear to be her pattern. In fact, the age difference
Still feels like the first day...
Long long story short.. I'll Coles notes it. I meet the love of my life at a gig I was playing, we ended up not spending a single night apart for
My partner and I have different goals, values, and thinking, should we continue?
My partner and I met a couple years ago when she moved to the city I lived in. We had shared a group of friends but never really knew each other
I'm hurt and not sure what to do ...
So ,this is my first time posting here ,but My mother always said it helps to write things down .So here it goes ! ^^ For a couple of weeks now
Who Am I and What do I Want?
Hi everyone, and thanks for reading this. At the moment I feel like I am having some sort of identity crisis, whilst not knowing what I want for
Is it wrong that I still talk to my ex boyfriend?
My ex boyfriend dumped me last week because he was pressuring me to have sex and I wasn't ready to have sex and he keeps calling and texting me every
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •