Cheating after being cheated on

I am new here so i will explain my situation.

I've been married for 4 years, i found out a month after getting married that my husband was cheating on me, confronted him,almost left him, but decided to work things out, he cried, he seemed like he really regretted it. He cheated on me with his best friends wife, and another married woman.

about 6 months later when things were beginning to heal i found out he was talking to his ex behind my back. they aren't friends, no kids, weren't together long, there was no motivation other than cheating and i know it. Again same sob story, i try again.

6 months go by, i find his massive collection of porn, not just videos i wouldn't care about that, but pictures of naked military girls he found online. He is also military and told me many times he thinks theyre gross and woudln't touch them. So this disgusted me. Again with the sob story, forgive try again.

next i find pictures he has drawn, of him different people, my friends, his friends wives, his sister, etc. just drawings but disgusting. so i had pretty much had it but not in the emotional state to leave him.

fast forward to now, no cheating has gone on that i know if in the last year, although i dont put it past him. He was my first, and only man i slept with. sex used to mean something to me. We have sex about once a month if that, and we haven't kissed like a real kiss in years. His cheating caused my anxiety and panic attacks, paranoia, everything to get very severe and me needing to see a psychiatrist and am on meds now. Yes i know i should have just left him, i know still that i should, but i cant, or wont, i dont have it in me, i have no one and can't face the world with all my mental problems on my own.

So i went looking for someone to sleep with, ive had urges to sleep with many guys since this all happened. Especially guys he works with who find out their wife is cheating on them. Well this time i found one and approached the subject, his wife cheated on him, he can't trust either, and we are thinking of having sex. I, nor he, have any plans on telling anyone about this, its just something we want for ourselves.

Girls, let me just say, this is the sexiest guy ive ever seen in my life, like dear god, wy way way out of my league. i feel like it would be so stupid of me to pass up the chance to sleep with him. hes so sexy. it would be a huge help to my self esteem to even touch him.

Please someone tell me im not the only one who has felt this way. has anyone cheated after being cheated on, and how did it turn out, honestly?

Here is what I wanna know.

1. What were you feeling when you decided to cheat? How did you feel afterwards, guilty or happy?

or were you feeling like you wanted revenge.

After being on the recieving end of the cheating, I know that people usually cheat when they aren't happy and it doesn't sound like you are. You deserve better and I'd say that as much as it may hurt you to do so, I encourage you to find the strength to leave him and pursue your sexy man or men with a clean slate that way you can do anything you want entirely guilt free and remember that sometimes in life we must forget how we feel and remember what we deserve and also that no matter who cheats on who don't forget that is still lying and the only thing that hurts worse than being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth. (that comes from experience, not that I am judging you in anyway) It sounds like you had as rough a time as I had and you were married so that's an even bigger sting. I said I'm not judging and believe me I'm not, in fact I'm here for you.

I haven't cheated yet, its been the past 3 weeks that ive thought about it non stop and decided to persue it. I have been talking to this man about it, and we are planning on it maybe in the next few weeks. My mind is boggled, i want to cheat, for all hes done to me he deserves it, i deserve it, and i dont want him to know, i just want to feel desirable and to be with a man who i am attracted to. Every time my husband and i fight the urge gets stronger and we've been fighting a lot lately about stupid things.

I am worried that i will feel bad after i cheat. not guilty, i will have no guilt over doing that to him because of what he did to me. but bad as if i went against my morals. Although i would never sleep wtih a married man, only this one who i know his wife has cheated. I am not an enabler, and dont want anyone to feel what i have felt.

I think anything done for the wrong reasons will end up having negative consequences. It's a good habit to get into making big decisions from a place of happiness instead of a place of revenge, for example. I don't want you to find yourself in a bigger mess.

I'm very sorry about all that's happened in your relationship. You may feel like you have to hold onto him because you have no one else, but you are stronger than you think. Maybe you could start looking for ways to get more independent so you're not stuck in a relationship where you are repeatedly cheated on.

Do not sleep with this man, as it makes you no better than your husband as you are not just cheating on your husband but are hurting the man's wife. You don't know if its 100% true if she cheated or that they aren't on the mend. You only have what he tells you. I suggest personal counseling for the paranoia and anxiety and I also suggest couples counseling. if you cannot trust your husband and do not want to continue in this marriage, then leave him. And be by yourself for a bit to heal. It does not make it right just because he did it first.

I was in a similar situation like you once. I found out my boyfriend cheated on me once, however I never confronted him because I loved him. I tried to forget about it but I couldn't and I resented him for that. Then I met someone, he was very attractive and seemed interested in me. We were friends at first and finally one time we went for this training for work together. We went for a dinner had a couple of drinks, we ended up having sex, I have to say the sex was amazing. We never had sex again after that. I have to say after I cheated on my boyfriend i finally felt like I can move on. I never told my boyfriend about what happened. Fast forward a couple of years, now we are happily married.

So my advice to you would be: if you want to do it for yourself and are absolutely sure that you won't feel guilty afterwards, go for it. But don't fall in love with this guy, just have fun, don't ever tell your husband, keep this relationship short. And then think about your marriage and what is it that you want.

Good luck to you!

Do you have any children?

Your attraction to this other guy just shows that you still want to be in a passionate relationship. That's a really good thing, it means you're still connected and alive. If u have a shread of care or love for your husband, then u owe it to yourself to get into couples counseling to see if your marriage can be salvaged. Sounds like your husband is a sex addict, clearly, so that needs to be addressed. You need to learn about your part in being drawn to an addict, ,of any kind, not your fault, but figure that out so you don't repeat it again if you leave him, or if u stay you'll need to hold him accountable, and just get educated on the characteristics of addiction, the hiding, lying,, compulsivity, behaviors to fill the void, etc. Trust is a good thing but blind trust with an addict is a recipe for heartache and disappointment.

I say indulge with this other guy if you really feel you have nothing left, you've suffered a lot and aren't earning any brownie points by remaining faithful. Don't waste another second of your life feeling trapped in a relationship.

Do something about your failing or failed marriage and hold nothing back as far as your feelings. This will help you move in the next direction. Having an affair is the easy way to force yourself to make changes, but if you start communicating what you really feel to your husband now, you'll probably realize that the affair is just to prove to yourself that you're really done with the marriage.

Rereading your post, u said his cheating caused your anxiety, etc, so you're internalizing the betrayal and mistrust. Please stand up for yourself, get help, with or without your husband, and know that you are worthy of a relationship built on trust. Sounds like that's really important to you! In that case, don't cheat if you can stand it, u may respect yourself more in the long run. Like you said, it would be against your morals....

And i hear you that you feel you have no one, so maybe just ask for, pray for, someone to help you through this hard time. Regardless of religious beliefs, sincere requests from the heart can move mountains, IMHO.

Thanks for sharing your story, it's a big step in growing and being happy again.

Nope no children here.

I tried to get him to do couples therapy but he refused, and refused going to therapy on his own, saying that he will get in trouble if they tell work, and that he doesn't need to talk to someone. I see a psychologist for my issues with anxiety and it is being treated, but i have never talked to anyone about this.

I do know the mans wife enough to know she cheated, she got pregnant while he was deployed, so there is no doubt. I don't feel bad if that's the case.

I honestly have no proof he did anything wrong in the past year, and i check the phone bills, i even check his computer and he doesn't know i do that. i haven't seen anything, but still i resent him, still i am hurt by it, angry, and can never respect him the way i did. I love him but i am not in love with him and haven't been for a while. i keep thinking i could fall in love again, if he'd just show me love,show remorse, show appreciation for me, but all i get is apathy. The only time he shows he cares is when he cries when ive talked about divorce or leaving. He doesn't want me to go visit my parents in another state because he thinks i just won't come back.

I feel as though if i leave him, i wont ever be in a serious relationship again, i cant trust, i have a too much paranoia, and i just don't know if i believe there is enough good people left in the world to find one worth loving. I used to want childen but don't anymore because i don't want to bring anyone into this world. Maybe i just don't believe in marriage anymore either, my vows obviously meant nothing. Cheating is so socially accepted now. This is why i have no one, because I hate what people have turned in to.

I understand your pain. My exhusband cheated on me all the time.

This is just my humble opinion, so take it or leave it, but here it is-

Being cheated on changes you and changes the relationship. I don't know if it's ever possible to ever trust someone 100% again, regardless of whether they are contiuning to cheat or not. And especially in cases like yours and mine, where the behavior was repeated over and over.

I didn't like the person that my ex's cheating caused me to become. I became paranoid, angry, distrustful, cautious, calculating, jealous,etc- I was never any of these things before. It made me sad that I had been that transformed.

I couldn't trust him anymore and my own behavior disgusted me- I didn't even recognize myself anymore- I kept thinking, " should I really continue on with someone if I feel the extreme NEED to "keep tabs" on him ? Check his phone, his internet history, time how long he goes out, and every detail to what he tells me ? This isn't the relationship I wanted.

So, I ask you- Is this the relationship you want ? If it isn't- then I think you need to take the next steps to move forward in your life. I'd strongly suggest you seek counseling. If you think it would all be too big a hassle to change your life, or you want to continue the marriage, that's your prerrogative. However, I wouldn't expect things to change at this point. I don't believe this is a man that has your best interests at heart.

I don't think cheating on him will make anything better. Even if this other man's wife HAS cheated on him (which, let's be honest, you don't really know for sure)- it doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on too. I personally believe it will only make things worse for you.

If you really want to heal, then I really think the best course of action is for you to take some time for yourself, seek counseling, and spend some time thinking about what you really want. Not just for the moment, but in the long run.

Best of luck to you

Even if the husband does deserve it, you don't deserve to degrade yourself like that.

Instead of falling in love with an unavailable man, then why don't you do the right thing and wait until your crush is divorced and you are as well? Or if he won't leave his wife and you won't leave your husband, forget it. That way he is not some no strings attached fantasy man and you see him for who he really is. Don't take your lack of faith in vows out on other people. No cheating is not socially accepted. It is deplorable. There are plenty of upstanding men that don't believe in it and wouldn't follow through with it because they believe in being devoted to one woman.

I honestly think that you should take a break from men and focus on getting to know yourself. Either stay with your husband and work on yourself or leave him. But don't just jump into someone else's bed. At the very least, if you cheat, and then leave your husband, a future potential boyfriend will see you as a cheater and not want to be with you fearing you'll do it again. Just get straight with yourself - if you have the urge use a vibrator for now - until you are an available woman or have sex with your husband

Yes just sleep with another womans husband as long as it makes you feel better!

Are you serious??

Anyway OP don't head down this road and become the person you obviously hate.

Leave this guy already and stop putting up with his lies and find yourself someone thats single and will not treat you this way!

Use a condom if you do.

Do it, why not? And leave your psycho husband.

This is wrong on so many levels.

You married a guy that you felt resentment towards and obviously don't trust.

You cheated too. Way to lower yourself to his level.

Darn some ppl really make me sad for this world.

I too understand your pain, my ex husband cheated on me. I initiated divorce and contemplated cheating on him but I couldn't do it. Did I feel he deserved to feel one ounce of the pain he put me through? Yes. Or to know or to feel one ounce of the humiliation I felt of what a fool he was trying to make of me? Yes. BUT, I knew that I took a vow when we married, and I promised myself I would keep that vow until the ink dried on the divorce papers.

You may be or feel you are in a loveless marriage, but one thing that struck me about your post, where your husband is concerned, is where he is now. Although he can't undo the damage he did to you, and all of the lies he told you, the pain he caused, is I have to wonder if he hasn't come to his own realizations of everything he did to you and is finally being truthful AND faithful to you. His response of crying because he's afraid you're going to leave and not come back is where I came to this, and reading you have had no proof at all he has continued to cheat on you within the last year. Maybe he knows he can't undo all of this, but has now taken the steps to prove how much he does love you and how wrong he was. If he feels he can't go to counseling, and given he is in the military, there is some 'men must be men' behind his reasonings or thoughts. Something that basically is drilled into them, and to show no emotion or weakness. This isn't to try and justify his thoughts, but basically pointing out something I think you probably know and see has a military wife.

I can't say I blame you for being tempted. But you are delving into the unknown. One thing to keep in mind, is you are assuming that this will never come to light if you two do sleep with each other. You have no way of knowing that. You also have no way of knowing what your husband's reaction, or his wife's reaction, would be should they find out. Be very conscious of the things you are doing, and without trying to justify those actions regardless of how right they seem. You're trying to fix something with a temporary fix, and temporary is just that: it's not meant to be forever, or to last. Beause you will still come home to a man you no longer love, or trust, and to a marriage you say you will never end.

I believe this relationship is beyond repair, damage is too deep, and the wounds will never heal, both of you need to move on.

This is wrong on so many levels.

You married a guy that you felt resentment towards and obviously don't trust.

You cheated too. Way to lower yourself to his level.

 

 

Darn some ppl really make me sad for this world.

I agree. The OP is already deep in it if she's been talking to the guy about doing it. Divorce should be paramount in this situation.

Well I did it, no sex just making out, and it was good, and felt really good. I don't know if it will happen again or go any further.,

"I feel as though if i leave him, i wont ever be in a serious relationship again, i cant trust, i have a too much paranoia."

So, being with cheating husband diminishes your paranoia any less? You don't just need an ego boost; you need to move on. After my wife cheated on me, I totally detached and moved on. Haven't looked back ever since. I was pleasantly surprised I hadn't lost my touch with women.

I understand it and frankly your husband and this man's wife both deserve it if that what happens. Your husband sounds like a total sleeze and you've given him way too many chances. I think you should have ended it with him a long time ago for own well being. I'm sorry you were hurt like this and it will be a long path to recovery but you can still do it if you get some help.

I still advise you not to go through with it just for the fact that you will be compromising your own morals. I actually think it will damage your self esteem in the long run if you lower your standards. The best thing for your self esteem would be to divorce your lousy husband and then carry on with life as you see fit.

Well, cocaine and heroin make you feel really good too, but that doesn't meann you should do them and become an addict.

Life is about so much more than these kinds of games you're playing with yourself and your husband. So you totally disrespect him for being a cheater and liking porn, and your solution is to cheat on him and become like him, or in fact WORSE than him because it is something you totally disrespect, yet you are doing it to revenge yourself. It doesn't heal you, it doesn't heal the marriage, it doesn't build trust, or increase your love or anything else. It scratches your mad spot for a while feeling like you're getting even, but it doesn't fix anything and your marriage needs fixing.

And this very handsome guy out of your league? I know the most incredibly handsome and charming man who is a terrible cheater. He goes for the less attractive women to cheat with because they are easy marks and anxious to please him or starry eyed because he is so handsome. He would never actually date those women if single, nor take them seriously as he does his wife. He just uses them and their vulnerability. He loves feeling powerful and attractive, and a less attractive woman is SOOOOO grateful for his attention that it makes him feel important and powerful. But it's just a game to him, and he views the women as toys in his game, and discards them when they get tiresome or he sees a new toy he wants to chase.

So you're busy feeling all special because he's so handsome and out of your league, while he's just using you like he would a piece of toilet paper when he needs it. And most likely laughing about how desperate you are behind your back, and talking to his buddies about how the 50 other women he's cheated with give better head than you do. The man i know who does this has NO respect for the women he cheats with, and sees them all as pawns in his fun little cheating game. They're just basically free hookers he knows he can manipulate and use because they have so little self esteem and understanding of themselves and are in awe of him.

You need to tell your counselor what you are doing and discuss with her why you think going down this path is a good idea. I think it is a VERY wrong detour for you, and will cause you a truckload of pain when the other man tires of playing with you and moves on to his next woman, or your husband finds out and tells the world his wife cheated on him and that is why he left you. So you will go from being an honorable person struggling to make her marriage work, to the dishonorable person who stooped to a low level for the sake of revenge. No one will respect you for that, least of all yourself in the end, when this new guy dumps you and you realize how little you really meant to him.

I wish there were more women like you out there that are willing to wait for sex to get married..... until you started talking about doing the same thing as your husband. As justified as it may be to do it to him, DO NOT lower your standards for making love just to satisfy your resentment towards your husband. Either separate or divorce before you cross that line, no matter if it many affairs (like he had) or its a one time deal (like you want to have) its still wrong. Besides once you see how easy it is to have an affair whos to say youre only gonna stop at 1? And another married man? Besides what if his woman is psycho and comes after you?

Don't do it. I had a very similar situation, husband cheated repeatedly over the years, pictures, texts, plans to meet up and have sex but not much follow through, with dozens of women. I cheated one time and he found out about it (apparently I'm a bad liar) and I'm pretty sure it will be the end of my marriage. Two wrongs really don't make a right. Right now you at least have your integrity, don't give that up for a hot guy who is interested in sleeping with you.