I'm 30 years old, and in the middle of a divorce. I'm about to move back to my home country with 2 babies after two years of a disastrous marriage. I know my relationship is unhealthy, i know we cant go on, not like this. I am also aware that my husband lost any sort of interest to save the relationship as he is extreamely hurt, hopeless and tired.. so am I, but still I would be willing to make an effort for the family.... anyway that's not an option anymore. I'm moving with my parents and taking the two babies. He's fine with that.
After all that, I can't help to wonder if i will spend the rest of my life alone. To start, the "divorcee" title is not so apeeling, and to finish two kids is a total turn off for anybody. I know that's not a reason so that I do not get divorce, that's out of the question, we can't continue living like this. But I wonder if I ever will be able to experience a real marriage, to have a family. To wake up to a person that loves and supports me and that is happy to see me. I don't know what it is to have a real marriage, a family. Were two people are working, come back home, share stuff, take care of each other. all this time me and my husband were unemployed, sick, depressed. I was pregnant of my first baby, then he second, must of the time we were only fighting and talking about divorce. I never got to experience what it is that your husband is happy aobut you being pregnant, that he kisses you and kisses your belly, i never knew what it is to go out with him and buy the stuff for the baby, clothes, crib, etc. We never discuss anything like that, my husband was never with me in the delivery room. so many experiences that I have missed for being the wrong person. I never until recently had my own home, we were living with my parents, becuase we were unemployed or were paid too little. When we finally could move out, our relationship was already devasted, we were and still are, sleeping in separate rooms and hardly speaking to each other.
If you really ask me, I don't feel like a married woman, i do not know what it feels to be married, to have a real husband. and Now i feel im carrying the divorce title in vain!
The same thing with my kids... Whatever thing he does for them, i have to practically drag him.
I don't know if you get my point, but i feel I havent lived what I'm supossed to, or I least what I wanted, what i was hoping for... when someone ask me, and I tell them that im divorce with two kids, they will imagine that I was so happy that i got to live the family dream for a while and then at the end things didnt work out and now im divorced. but that's not my case!!! I even feel weird saying my husband, or that I'm maried, because is almost like if it wasnt.
I wonder if anybody will be interested in me after all this, and I wonder if I'll want to have a relationship with someone that is not the father of my kids, I don't want to expose them to any danger by having a mean step dad or something... I have a lot in my head right now as you can see. My only worry is I dont wanna grow old alone. I don't wanna be alone, I want to have a family. I want to have a friend, a lover, a companinon, all in one person... would I be able to experience that?