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Thread: Boyfriend isn't going anywhere

  1. #1
    MissLiv
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    Boyfriend isn't going anywhere

    Let me start off by saying that I love my boyfriend very much. He treats me like a queen and would do almost anything for me but I can't help but be nervous about our future.

    I grew up from a very well-to-do family that believe in education. Even though I wanted a much more modest lifestyle than the one I grew up in (the big house, expensive cars....), I still want a good career and am currently going to college to pursue that. My boyfriend, however, feels differently.

    He grew up in a modest lifestyle, like what I want, but he's not ambitious. He's had a job for nearly 5 years in retail (for privacy sake, I'm not going to say the company) but is still in the same position as when he started. In fact, I work there part time which is how I met him. He has tried to get promoted but with no success. He makes excuses for his slow progress like how he has been transferred between stores and at one point he tried to go to culinary school (again, no success).

    He tells me that he's going to move up and make a decent living but I'm having a hard time seeing that happen. He's so stubborn and I believe it's holding him back. For example, this winter he let his hair and beard grow ridiculously out of control and refused to groom himself for an interview. He said it wouldn't make a difference. He also refuses to continue his education claiming he doesn't need a degree. Which he doesn't but I know it's much harder. He is even back living with his parents (even though he plans to move out this summer) and they are constantly getting on him about this. Now he is almost 25 and I am getting nervous.

    We want a lot of the same things but he strikes me as nieve when it comes to being financially stable. Again, I don't want to be "rich" but I want to be able to have a stable life and a husband that can support that. My family hasn't made it much easier because they keep giving me examples of people the know who "settled" and everything fell apart. Being ambitious and constantly doing everything to better myself, it's hard to accept the fact that my boyfriend isn't going anywhere. I know that if I was in his place at 25, I'd be very pissed at myself.

    I've tried to talk to him about it but it comes out so hurtful. He even said "I can't believe you are judging me this much because of my status."

    I'm not sure what I want advice wise. Maybe some thought? This situation is

  2. #2
    pl3asehelp

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    25 years old and still living with his parents would be enough of a deal breaker for me. Not cutting your hair or shaving for an interview isn't just stubborn, it's immature and completely unrealistic to think you can go on interviews looking like a bum. Unless you don't want the job because you don't really need it as you already have a free place to stay and a girlfriend who (for now anyway) tolerates this.

  3. #3
    MissLiv
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    Quote Originally Posted by pl3asehelp [Register to see the link]
    Not cutting your hair or shaving for an interview isn't just stubborn, it's immature and completely unrealistic to think you can go on interviews looking like a bum
    I agree he can be very immature. I guess i was very forgiving at first because I am only 20 but I think I am still growing up. By 25, I plan on letting go of my childish acts and be an adult. Do you think that could happen eventually? Or is this just who he is? this all is so confusing

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    italiannmf24
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    He is going no where fast. Quite frankly I'm surprised you've put up with him this much so far. If he's going no where it's a shame because you've already fallen in love with him, but honestly from an outside perspective, if you two end up moving in, getting more serious etc. your going to be the one paying the bills.

    Think about your future.

    Do you really want it to look like that?

  5. #5
    DN

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    There is nothing wrong with not being ambitious - it isn't immature, or dumb or childish and he has done nothing for which he requires your 'forgiveness' - that is quite an arrogant stance to be honest. Who are you to 'forgive' him?

    He just doesn't care for success in the same way as you do or as a lot of other people do. And there is no reason he should change to suit your ambitions any more than you should change to accommodate his lack of ambition. Rather than try to make him do something he clearly doesn't want to do you would be better advised to break up with him and find someone on the same page as yourself in terms of career ambitions.

  6. #6
    8amallday
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    @DN - I think that he views success in a similar way. If I am reading it right, the boyfriend in the OP states that he wishes to "move up" and secure a decent income. However, he is not doing anything to get closer to that goal (or something like a goal). Just a thought.

  7. #7
    DN

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    Is he saying that because he really wants to or because he is being pressured?

  8. #8
    MissLiv
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    He's been wanting to move up before we dated. If he didn't plan on working beyond where he was I wouldn't have even dated him. We way all the same things but he isnt doing what's necessary to get there

  9. #9
    catfeeder
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissLiv [Register to see the link]
    He's been wanting to move up before we dated [...] but he isnt doing what's necessary to get there
    Then there's your answer, you just don't 'like' it. People talk a lot. If you use that as a reason to step in as his coach to try to motivate him, then you've just taken on part of his job, and he won't motivate himself.

    Careful not to take on the role of a parent--it feels creepy, and it is creepy. If you want an ambitious lover, find an ambitious lover. BF will step up and take care of himself in his own time and way, and if he ever wants to catch up with you someday, he'll have no problem making sure you're the first to know it.

  10. #10
    sidehop
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    I do think there are a lot of compatibility issue; not only future goals but the overall picture of the relationship. You two can be perfectly fine together as a couple but let's face it, being financially secure or at least being comfortable is important for obvious reasons. Two people can have perfectly different ambitions but if he's not motivated to do anything while you feeling being dragged along it's very possible it could get worse; him getting fired and not being able to find a job. It happens quite often from the story I read here it seems.

    Like others have said he just has a different approach in life. This is where opposites really don't attract when two people have different goals but at the same time a lot of pulling and pushing is going on. It's up to you to decide whether you two can work it out together or decide to leave if it really isn't going anywhere.

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