Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: My boyfriend just told me about a child in his past...

  1. #1
    hmiddle

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    3

    My boyfriend just told me about a child in his past...

    First of all, I love my boyfriend very much. We have been together for a year and a half and have been living together for almost a year. We both are very stable professionals and have talked about marriage and children in our future.

    This weekend was his birthday (37) and his childhood friend (who he has remained close with throughout his life) came to visit. When his friend and I were talking, his friend said, "you know, I'm glad that Jeff has found a great girl because he has been through some tough stuff - I mean, he had a kid that he thought was his and it turned out to be someone else's kid..." I was shocked because he had never mentioned anything about this situation to me.

    When I confronted him about this situation in his past, he told me that he was married for about two years 15 years ago - when he was about 19 years old. He said it was a very rocky and abusive relationship and she had a baby. He thought the kid was his and was very excited, then later had a paternity test done and discovered that the kid wasn't his. However, under California law he is still paying child support to this day because the paternity test wasn't done before the kid was 2 years old. He said it was a terrible situation and didn't know how to tell me because it still upsets him.

    Now I am doubting whether or not I really know this man...this life experience obviously affected him deeply and he didn't share it with me. I don't even know if he would have ever told me at all about it...

  2. #2
    Sparkly Eyes

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    4,935
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    1
    I'd be upset too...does he see this kid at all or is he just paying for him?

  3. #3
    hmiddle

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    3
    He's just paying for her and hasn't had any contact in 10 years with the mother or kid. He said that he's looking forward to her turning 18 so he can put it all behind him.

  4. #4
    Sparkly Eyes

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    4,935
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    1
    I don't know. This could be particularly something he doesn't want to talk to people about. Unless you think he is secretive about a lot of things in his life, I wouldn't give him a hard time for it.

  5. #5
    Moontiger
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Chicago
    Age
    30
    Posts
    7,723
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    971
    I would be very upset if something like this was kept from me. Have you asked him why he never told you? How long until the child turns 18? It might be a good idea to schedule a session with a therapist to work out what has happened because of this.

  6. #6
    lukeb
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Alberta, Canada
    Age
    51
    Posts
    3,233
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    206
    That does make a difference, yes he could have told you but since this kid is not part of his life, it does belong in his past. It shouldn't affect the future you have together. There might be things you have done in your past that you haven't disclosed to him. The key issue is whether the things done in the past are going to have an impact on the future that you are both going to share. It is only then that you really have a right to know. Well that is at least my opinion.

  7. #7
    hmiddle

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    3
    Thank you for your replies. He said that he didn't tell me because he just wanted to leave it in the past and he doesn't like talking about it. The kid is 15 right now.

  8. #8
    lavenderdove
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    13,251
    Thanked
    898
    Well, it isn't his child and he's been stuck with a very nasty legal consequence paying child support because he happens to be married to the mother. There are lots of states trying to reform laws like that because it really isn't fair to the man involved.

    So he hasn't done anything wrong. Would you be upset if you learned he owed payments on a car for another 3 or 4 years? Really, this is no different a situation since he is not the father nor required to stay in contact with someone he divorced. If this much time has passed, he probably only owes for a few more years at most til the child is 18, and frankly, he would have my sympathy paying for a child for 18 years who is the result of his wife's affair!

    Many people have bad experiences that don't require confession. For example, if a woman was raped 15 years ago, this is very traumatic and she doesn't need to confess this experience unless she chooses to. In my opinion, this man was financially raped by his ex wife, and cheated on too, and had an absolutely horrible thing happen to discover a child is not his AND is a long term financial obligation.

    So i wouldn't hold this against him at all. I'd sympathize with him to be honest, how terrible this happened, an emotional and financial rape by a woman he loved! He did nothing wrong, and is fulfilling his legal obligation to pay child support, which many fathers who ARE the father of the child refuse to do...

    So no harm no foul here in my opinion. He isn't obligated to spill everything that ever happened to him in his life to you, only things that affect you personally like STDs or a child that is in his own child and in his life and will be in yours over the long term. This unusual situation fits none of those parameters and you shouldn't feel betrayed etc. because it has nothing to do with you and is just a financial obligation for a few years and he's not married to you nor are you responsible for that financial obligation.

    And you might spend more per month on shoes and clothes than he does this obligation, and you don't need to disclose that to him either. So put it in perspective because this isn't his child, just a financial 'gotcha' from archaic child support laws developed before paternity could be so accurately established and children were assumed to belong to the husband if there was a marriage at the time of the birth.

  9. #9
    HESJUSTSTUPID
    Bronze Member HESJUSTSTUPID's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    New York, New York
    Posts
    192
    Gender
    Female
    I think before marriage couples should get together and discuss their finances. How much one makes, bills, investments, debt, credit..and all that jazz. Now him paying child support should of came up in one of these conversations. He shouldn't of held that from him.

  10. #10
    Crazyaboutdogs
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    53
    Posts
    25,673
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    20
    We have been together for a year and a half and have been living together for almost a year.
    When I confronted him about this situation in his past, he told me that he was married for about two years 15 years ago - when he was about 19 years old. He said it was a very rocky and abusive relationship and she had a baby. He thought the kid was his and was very excited, then later had a paternity test done and discovered that the kid wasn't his. However, under California law he is still paying child support to this day because the paternity test wasn't done before the kid was 2 years old. He said it was a terrible situation and didn't know how to tell me because it still upsets him.
    I think this is a huge big deal. If two people have been together for 1.5 years and have been living together for 1 year, then a previous marriage and paying child support is information that should indeed have been divulged. I don't care how tough it is and how emotional it is...that is something you DO NOT keep from your partner. It doesn't matter that child was not his after all..the fact still remains is that its seems like you didn't even know that he had been married before let alone the child issue. That is a huge secret to keep from someone who is supposed to be your partner and keeping that kind of secret is unacceptable. I also don't buy the rationale that just because you aren't married doesn't mean you don't have to know this information. Of course you should know...because firstly, he is divorced rather than has never been married (not sure if he lied about never being married) and second, even though the child is not his, he is legally bound to that child right now.

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
Girlfriend flies off the handle for asking for me asking to discuss an issue
Girlfriend says she is going to watch a movie then go to dinner with her family, which I'm cool with. Fast forward a little later into the night she
I think he's considering a break up... I want to turn things around
Hi guys, My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years. I've always struggled with the issue of being supportive of him. I think he's
Wondering?
Ok, I posted before about my situation but I would like to further talk. This woman I became involved with 3 years ago TOLD me she had feelings for
Can My BF possibly have a double life?
So my boyfriend has never given his second mobile number which is of a smartphone (I am aware that he has it! and has used it around me, so its not a
My boyfriend "punishes" me and treats me like a child
My boyfriend treats me like a child Today he got mad at me because I made him wait for nothing. We were at college and we had class at the same
Dating a married girl, need help
Hi, so in July I was at a party and got to know a girl. At the time I was just picking up girls every week without the intention of going steady
Do you keep pictures with exs?
Do you keep pictures of or with exs from your previous relationships? How do you feel if your significant has pictures with exs from previous

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Tired of Being His Provider??
Okay so I found this site through Google. This seems like a pretty common topic and I suppose I just need to vent. My husband has been unemployed
Beautiful women who works at lush...
So there is this a girl who works at this place. I've been in there twice now and she is a stunner. Its one of those girls who you have to look twice
Being left for another man by my ex girlfriend
My and my ex gf broke up 7 months ago back in late April. We had bad fights and she stated she was unhappy. She then proceeded to have an active
Wondering?
Ok, I posted before about my situation but I would like to further talk. This woman I became involved with 3 years ago TOLD me she had feelings for
Break up Advice Needed
Hi all, I really need some advice on my recent break up with my girlfriend of almost five years. A few months ago I started to feel unhappy and
She's getting ready for marriage. She thinks that it is what I want. My fault.
So, I am pretty much in a difficult situation. I have been with a girl for the past 4 years. In these 4 years, after a while I realized she really
Venting - Advice...?
Hello, Im a 36 year old male, married with 3 kids. My wife and I are pretty much like roommates. There is zero sex life and its from both ends
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •