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Bad Sign???


JLKLEE

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I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. It already bothers me that any mention of us living together in the future is a sign of lack of commitment in my eyes. Anytime I say ANYTHING that is remotely related he changes the subject.

 

Well my boyfriend just moved into a new apartment with a roommate and always wants me to stay the night. A problem we all keep running in to is that my boyfriend will leave for work before me and when the roommate is not there when I leave, I have no way to lock the door. This can pose a safety issue with people having access to an unlocked apartment.

 

I have asked my boyfriend repeatedly to please make me a key so I can lock the door when I leave, more so so we do not continue to make that we are leaving his apartment, as well as my boyfriends, unlocked.

 

The impression I continue to get from my boyfriend is that he does not even want me to have a key, even for the purpose of being able to lock the door.

 

Does it not seem weird that after 2 years he still will not even give me a key to his place????

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You mention 2 years as if it is a benchmark. It all depends on the type of relationship you have with him. Some people can keep things very casual even after two years. What is your sense? Do the two of you seem to be moving towards some kind of shared future or is he just enjoying passing time with you as he keeps his own life goals separate?

 

It also seems that you are campaigning to get a key and lay the groundwork for you moving in with him. Safety issue? His door does not have a way to lock the door at all? The only way to lock it is from the outside with a key? Here is a clue: a key to someone's apartment is something THEY offer you. He has not offered. You are pushing to get one. What is up with that?

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You mention 2 years as if it is a benchmark. It all depends on the type of relationship you have with him. Some people can keep things very casual even after two years. What is your sense? Do the two of you seem to be moving towards some kind of shared future or is he just enjoying passing time with you as he keeps his own life goals separate?

 

It also seems that you are campaigning to get a key and lay the groundwork for you moving in with him. Safety issue? His door does not have a way to lock the door at all? The only way to lock it is from the outside with a key? Here is a clue: a key to someone's apartment is something THEY offer you. He has not offered. You are pushing to get one. What is up with that?

 

I definitely am not thinking in my head "oh it has been 2 years, time for a key!" and it certainly does not mean that we are moving in together if he gives me one. He just signed a 13 months lease so it would be AT LEAST a year from now.

 

Honestly though, sometimes I feel like he is more casual. I feel relationships should progress to the next step as the individuals are ready, not when a certain time has passed. However, there is never any mention of "future terms" from him.

 

But yes, there is no other way to lock the door unless you lock it with a key from the outside. And I'm pushing for a key because I'm tired of hearing the roommate complain and I think that it is right for me to respect what he wants since he is paying the other half of the rent. I mean, I could leave when my boyfriend leaves but I do not really want to get up and leave at 9:30 when I do not have class til 1:30.

 

I could just not stay the night at his house anymore so there would not be an issue with me needing to lock the door when I leave but honestly, I feel like your entire post was about how I could accommodate my boyfriend more. I shouldn't ask for a key. I should leave when he leaves so I don't have to worry about locking the door. Have a tried all possible ways to lock HIS apartment.....I don't feel like it is exactly fair that I need to alter things in my life, for example, getting up much early on one of the only days I have the opportunity to sleep in due to working 3 jobs, because he has an issue with giving me a key.

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How old are you two?

 

Can you leave his apartment at the same time he goes to work? I've had stuff stolen from my apartment when a roommate left the door unlocked, so that happens.

 

I am 23, 24 in september. He is 24, 25 in July.

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You do have the option to bring up where does he see things going. If you're ready to take the next step in your relationship and he is not, you can call it off. It sounds as though "the key" issue is maybe a symbol of your frustration with not having a more serious relationship after 2 years. You two are young, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want "more" after 2 years of dating.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to just leave when he leaves, and then go back to your home and continue sleeping. Or just have your bf come over to your place instead.

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You do have the option to bring up where does he see things going. If you're ready to take the next step in your relationship and he is not, you can call it off. It sounds as though "the key" issue is maybe a symbol of your frustration with not having a more serious relationship after 2 years. You two are young, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want "more" after 2 years of dating.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to just leave when he leaves, and then go back to your home and continue sleeping. Or just have your bf come over to your place instead.

 

I still live with my mom because I am saving to buy a place rather than rent. My mom does not care if my boyfriend stays but he does not feel comfortable so I am respectful of that. I do not have a problem going to my house when he leaves except I live about 30-35 minutes away from him and he is very close to campus. If he wants to pay for the gas I have no issue doing that.

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What have you two discussed as far as future goals and timing? Why is living together important to you (i.e. would you be comfortable not sharing physical space until you are engaged or married?)

 

There really has not been much discussion of the future with us to be honest. And living together is important to me because my mom has been divorced twice and the MAIN reasons why was that they could not live together and my step dads ways of living really caused issue for me. My mom constantly told me she would never have married my step dad if she knew what it was like to marry him.

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I think you have your answer then -since you've decided not to discuss future goals then it's consistent with his decision to see this as more of a "right for now" arrangement -not that he would date others but he doesn't want to formalize anything even so far as giving you a key. My suggestion would be not to stay over if he won't give you a key and you'd have to leave the apartment unlocked (or leave when he does).

Maybe also rethink whether one person's experiences should dictate your decision about living together. And since you two have no future plans if you moved in together it wouldn't even be "playing house" unless you discussed beforehand your expectations as far as the future. From what I understand the divorce rate is much higher for couples who live together first.

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Another option is to leave the house when he does and then go to the library and study until it's time for your class.

 

But my point with that is this....

 

He WANTS me to stay the night. I work THREE jobs and rarely have the opportunity to sleep in. The one of two days I have the opportunity to sleep in, everyone is suggesting that I should just get up and give up my opportunity to sleep in so I can make my boyfriend happy by him not giving me a key and make the roommate happy by leaving early in the morning so the door can be locked. All I hear is how to make the boyfriend and the roommate happy and no compromise for me to be happy as well. I just do not think its fair to give up the opportunity for me to sleep in.

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He is an adult, and it is his apartment. If his roommate has an issue with you leaving the door unlocked, then they need to discuss that as roommates. This is not your problem, it's his.

 

As far as the separate issue of whether the lack of a key given to you means anything, I think you are both still young and it's only been two years. It's fine to have a discussion to see where you're both at, sort of a state-of-the-union type of thing, but you have to be okay with whatever the outcome of that conversation is.

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I think you have your answer then -since you've decided not to discuss future goals then it's consistent with his decision to see this as more of a "right for now" arrangement -not that he would date others but he doesn't want to formalize anything even so far as giving you a key. My suggestion would be not to stay over if he won't give you a key and you'd have to leave the apartment unlocked (or leave when he does).

Maybe also rethink whether one person's experiences should dictate your decision about living together. And since you two have no future plans if you moved in together it wouldn't even be "playing house" unless you discussed beforehand your expectations as far as the future. From what I understand the divorce rate is much higher for couples who live together first.

 

I agree with most everything here. However, it's a bit of a contradiction: On one hand, you're suggesting she re-think whether one person's experience should dictate her decision to live together prior to marriage, then you go on to say that from what you understand, the divorce rate is much higher for couples to live together first. (I apologize for my total run-on sentence). I understand your comparing one person to a whole group of people, and maybe that's the difference, but it's still a contradiction IMO. My two cents: We shouldn't completely disregard the experiences of others (whether one person or a group), but we should also be able to make decisions for ourselves.

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From what I understand the divorce rate is much higher for couples who live together first.

 

People that believe in living together are more likely to believe in divorce. People that don't believe in it are less likely to believe in divorce, and may stay in a marriage even if it's miserable. (I've seen countless examples of it.)

 

And, some of us don't give keys to anyone.

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He is an adult, and it is his apartment. If his roommate has an issue with you leaving the door unlocked, then they need to discuss that as roommates. This is not your problem, it's his.

 

As far as the separate issue of whether the lack of a key given to you means anything, I think you are both still young and it's only been two years. It's fine to have a discussion to see where you're both at, sort of a state-of-the-union type of thing, but you have to be okay with whatever the outcome of that conversation is.

 

You are right, it should be discussed as roommates but when his roommate is complaining to me after my boyfriend has gone to work I feel like it is my responsibility.

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But my point with that is this....

 

He WANTS me to stay the night. I work THREE jobs and rarely have the opportunity to sleep in. The one of two days I have the opportunity to sleep in, everyone is suggesting that I should just get up and give up my opportunity to sleep in so I can make my boyfriend happy by him not giving me a key and make the roommate happy by leaving early in the morning so the door can be locked. All I hear is how to make the boyfriend and the roommate happy and no compromise for me to be happy as well. I just do not think its fair to give up the opportunity for me to sleep in.

 

I do understand your point. I also think if the apartment gets broken into if you leave the door unlocked, they might blame you. Actually, all of us were home when our door was unlocked (we were all upstairs though). someone grabbed our bags and left.

 

you can always tell him you don't feel comfortable spending the night if there's no way for you to lock up in the morning. so either you leave when he does (and give up sleep) or just say no to his invitation and spend the night at your mom's house. if he doesn't feel comfortable there either, i understand that.

 

i think a 'state of the union' talk is not a bad idea. not saying you guys have to get engaged soon, but just figure out if he sees this as a 'fun time' relationship or something that has the potential to turn into more.

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You are right, it should be discussed as roommates but when his roommate is complaining to me after my boyfriend has gone to work I feel like it is my responsibility.

 

That's when you say to him, Talk to your roommate about it. And don't discuss it again. It isn't your responsibility, period.

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He is an adult, and it is his apartment. If his roommate has an issue with you leaving the door unlocked, then they need to discuss that as roommates. This is not your problem, it's his.

 

As far as the separate issue of whether the lack of a key given to you means anything, I think you are both still young and it's only been two years. It's fine to have a discussion to see where you're both at, sort of a state-of-the-union type of thing, but you have to be okay with whatever the outcome of that conversation is.

 

I agree, it's not your problem. It's between your bf and his roommate. If he absolutely insists that you stay over, let him (bf) worry about the door (though I can understand how you feel about leaving it unlocked, I'd feel the same way honestly). But you can only worry about so much, you know?

 

I think everyone has differing opinions as to what the lack of key means, and the importance of it. Some are telling you that, yes, this should bother you. It's ALREADY been two years already! Then others say, what's your problem, it's ONLY been two years! (And yes, I have my opinion too!) You ultimately have to decide what's important to YOU. If you can't bring something up (something that's important to you) without him changing the subject, then I'd say it's time to start thinking about things. My suggestion is to either accept the relationship as it is, and enjoy it, or move on. Though compromise is necessary in any relationship, neither of you have to compromise your ENTIRE happiness just to keep this relationship going.

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But my point with that is this....

 

He WANTS me to stay the night. I work THREE jobs and rarely have the opportunity to sleep in. The one of two days I have the opportunity to sleep in, everyone is suggesting that I should just get up and give up my opportunity to sleep in so I can make my boyfriend happy by him not giving me a key and make the roommate happy by leaving early in the morning so the door can be locked. All I hear is how to make the boyfriend and the roommate happy and no compromise for me to be happy as well. I just do not think its fair to give up the opportunity for me to sleep in.

 

 

The issue for you is not so much the door remaining unlocked, but the fact that your boyfriend does not want to offer you a key. Either way, the most effective solution is to refrain from spending the night. You have a desire that he is not fulfilling, plus the situation is making you feel responsible for someone else's property. Why continue to put yourself in that situation if you know it's going to turn out this way every time?

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Ive asked him if he sees this relationship going anywhere and he says yes that he just is not one to talk about his feelings but his actions do not really imply anything either.

 

How is talking about the future the same as talking about feelings? It's one thing to ask, how do you feel about me? It's another to ask, do you see us having a future, and if so, what would you like that to entail? Asking about the future is almost business-like, IMO (which I hate to say, being the hopeless romantic I can be!). Sounds like he's giving you the run-around, especially if his actions don't indicate anything either. Unless you have mind-reading abilities, then it's no surprised you'd be so unsure, and you shouldn't be left hanging forever. It's not right, or fair. Not that he needs to be pressured into a further committment, but he needs to just come out with it: What does he want?

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I know everyone has their own opinion about when is the correct time to move forward. If someone were to ask me when I hoped to be married I would say by 26 but I know that your life plan does not always go as intended. It should happen when it feels right.

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I agree with the others.

 

You need to get up and leave when your boyfriend leaves for work. That's the way it is. If he hasn't given you a key by now, it's because he doesn't want too.

 

No, the way it is is that I just will not stay the night like he wants.

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