Online dating doesn't work for me

It just doesn't. For whatever reason. I can't really talk to girls "in the real world," so sometimes I try it, but girls just don't respond.

Sometimes I think my race is a factor (I'm black). I tend to send more messages to girls of other ethnicities, but (I suspect) most White, Asian, and Hispanic women are not interested in a black guy. (I would be interested to know how many females on this forum of the aforementioned ethnicities have ever responded to a black guy's message.)

I send messages to black women too, but still nothing.

I know I'm a thin guy. I'm not short, but I'm not tall either. I'm probably not very good-looking; and, of course, there's the race factor.

Why won't SOMEONE of the opposite sex give me a chance?

It just doesn't. For whatever reason. I can't really talk to girls "in the real world," so sometimes I try it, but girls just don't respond.

 

Sometimes I think my race is a factor (I'm black). I tend to send more messages to girls of other ethnicities, but (I suspect) most White, Asian, and Hispanic women are not interested in a black guy. (I would be interested to know how many females on this forum of the aforementioned ethnicities have ever responded to a black guy's message.)

 

I send messages to black women too, but still nothing.

 

I know I'm a thin guy. I'm not short, but I'm not tall either. I'm probably not very good-looking; and, of course, there's the race factor.

 

Why won't SOMEONE of the opposite sex give me a chance?

You're starting a race war on this thread and the moderators are going to eat you alive!

But let me say this before they come, I'm a black guy. I'm thin and although I don't think I'm Denzel, I feel like I do alright for myself. When I did date on the site I got a pretty decent amount of attention from a lot of women from other ethnicities. So I know that it's not the color of your skin, but maybe the color of your attitude? Obviously some of us have our preferences, but nowadays interracial dating is much more at large then before. If you're approaching dating online in the same mentality that you've posted under this thread, I think that might be the issue that you're having. Because it's not about being black or white, but about being right so that when you do date you get something out of it.

I can't really talk to girls "in the real world"

I send messages to black women too, but still nothing

These two comments make me think that it's probably not your race. You need to work on your confidence. To do that you need to work on finding what makes you happy, set goals and achieve them. Women can sense if a man is able to do this, and that's part of what makes you attractive to them. And anyone can work on it, no matter what race you are.

I REALLY don't think it's your race.

The last guy I dated was black, I'm white. Interracial dating these days is just NOT what it was back in the day.

Online dating is a numbers game. I've ignored the last 30 messages I've received, because not one of them commented on a single thing in my profile, just sent me a very obvious generic message, sometimes so generic it absolutely did not pertain to me in any sense of the word(I love your long luscious blonde locks. What? I'm a brunette).

Do you want to share some key parts of your profile with us or a sample message you might send?

Is it possible this has more to do with your communication style than necessarily your ethnicity?

Sounds like you're not coming accross as very positive or confident. My ex was black and I'm white, this is really not such an issue anymore.

Perfect Internet Game

By Kata124 (“Kat” with ENORMOUS thanks to Guinness Man.

The following is made to be carried out on any text based medium. I have not tested it out in the clubs but it works a charm via Myspace, Facebook, etc.

Find a girl you like. Preferably someone you’ve met only a short while ago. And begin carrying out the below routine. DON’T COPY THIS WORD FOR WORD YOU LOSER. Try changing things around to fit your personality. Remember to replace the bolded text with whatever is asked for.

1. After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories... you will always have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

First Name

ps. You can keep the house in Hawaii but, I am going to need half our money according to our prenup.

2. Let her answer. Then respond with a few sentences on what she answered. End it with:

And we divorced because of your fling with the pool boy, Pablo, remember?

3. Let her answer. Then respond with:

As far as Pablo goes, I had a fling with your sister right before the wedding while you were taking soooooo long to get ready.

You know this doesn't have to get bitter. Remember our pillow fights right before the great sex and the romantic dinners I would make you?

4. Let her answer. Respond to her questions and comments then:

Geez, we seem to get a long so well now that all that's over. Ever consider giving it another shot? I mean we were pretty good together.

5. Let her answer. Then respond:

Well thanks for the honesty. I wont be so quick to judge this time.

So what have you been up to since Pablo?

Anything fun happening in our life? Causing any trouble?

6. Let her answer. If there is “How about you?” somewhere in her answer, skip to step 7. If not, respond with:

Sounds like you've been adjective. That's good but, ya gotta get out and have a

little fun every once in a while. What do you like to do Ms. Her First Name?

7. Let her answer. Then respond with:

I like tons of stuff (Or “I’ve been doing tons of stuff” if you skipped step 6).

List a bunch of things you like to do and end with: watching Sex and the City ALL DAY!

Ok, I made that last part up. lol

use wisely my friend.

@samantha20:

I tried using humor (posted a thread about sending various joking messages to girls a while back). Still no responses. Many people responded to that thread by saying my jokes weren't funny; or insulted her; or...something. I thought they were light and playful messages, and they should have gotten a response.

Generally, my messages are comments on what's in the girl's profile, followed by some questions. Sometimes I may try joking (something like what samantha wrote above), but nothing.

But whatever. It's still all my fault, right? I'm not "confident enough"; or "funny enough"; or...something. Whatever it is, it's my fault, right?

The question is not whose fault it is, but what you can do differently. Do you want to post/ PM something that you would write to a potential interest in order to receive some outside view on it?

John, just try it. Pick a random girl, one you don't even like that much if you want and see if it works. I've tried it myself and got a really good response. Worth a try right? I've been reading up a lot on the psychology of attraction. It sounds crazy but the worst thing you can do when trying to attract girls is to try too hard to compliment them etc. If they're hot, they already know it and you pointing it out makes them feel they are a higher social value than you, therefore you will make them not attracted. The best thing to do is knock them off their pedestal ever so slightly. Don't insult them, just do something to make them feel like you don't see how beautiful they are. I'm gonna PM you, I think I can help.

So, I tried samantha's jokes out on three girls. Two on a dating site, and one on Facebook.

One girl on the dating site responded once, then stopped. The other didn't respond.

And the girl on Facebook blocked me.

Of course, if I looked like Johnny Depp, or was more muscular, all three would have responded quickly and with great enthusiasm, I know that. Just like one of my friends on Facebook, who has pictures of himself flexing his big muscles working out, has a million comments from girls.

I send a playful joke, and get blocked.

Confidence, humor, etc. -- it's all BS if you look a certain way: not masculine enough. I don't look very masculine, and women want a man who looks masculine so they can feel protected. (They would never admit that out loud, but it's true.)

F*** it all.

I thought Samantha20's game was meant as a joke. I would never have responded to someone writing me any of those sentences

I thought Samantha20's game was meant as a joke. I would never have responded to someone writing me any of those sentences

Neither would I.

What would you respond to?

I thought Samantha20's game was meant as a joke. I would never have responded to someone writing me any of those sentences

Ditto. If I ever read anything like that, it would be an instant block, lol.

OP: I don't think it has anything at all to do with your ethnicity, but possibly more to do with your communication style.

OP: I don't think it has anything at all to do with your ethnicity, but possibly more to do with your communication style.

Can you please be more specific?

So, I tried samantha's jokes out on three girls. Two on a dating site, and one on Facebook.

 

One girl on the dating site responded once, then stopped. The other didn't respond.

 

And the girl on Facebook blocked me.

 

Of course, if I looked like Johnny Depp, or was more muscular, all three would have responded quickly and with great enthusiasm, I know that. Just like one of my friends on Facebook, who has pictures of himself flexing his big muscles working out, has a million comments from girls.

 

I send a playful joke, and get blocked.

 

Confidence, humor, etc. -- it's all BS if you look a certain way: not masculine enough. I don't look very masculine, and women want a man who looks masculine so they can feel protected. (They would never admit that out loud, but it's true.)

 

F*** it all.

Give up this online crap and start talking to women in real life.

OP, I read your other thread, where you had examples of the jokes you'd send.

You've got a dry sense of humor, which a lot of women will appreciate. But it's too hard to convey in text without it being mistaken as condescending. Unless someone already knows you and that's your way, they'd probably feel made fun of or talked down to. I'd save it for in person, or maybe the phone. My dating profile, I actually redid because I had some people read it and they're like "Good God, you come accross as a ball buster." My humor doesn't go over well in text with strangers. lol.

What would I respond to? First, I like to open up a message and see more than 4 words or one sentence. Not a novel, but a decent paragraph.

-Make it more personal. Address them using their screenname or real name, if applicable

-Ask an open-ended question about an interest in her profile

-Don't overly focus on looks. Obviously, looks play a role but we all know this already. Messages like "Hi, you caught my eye. You're so pretty, love your pics. Let's talk". I wouldn't respond to this person. What is there for me to respond to? Did they even read my profile?

- Check your grammar and spelling. I'm a stickler for it, and so are many.

- Don't drone on about yourself. I don't know about anyone else, but I personally dread this sort of message:

"Hi, I'm XYZ. I read your profile and I liked it. I like A, B and C hobbies. I have 2 dogs. I'm laid-back, easy-going, attractive. I like to do this, that and the other thing on dates. If you want to know anything else about me, just ask."

- By all means, do not preface anything in a message or profile with "Being on here makes me feel like a loser, but I figured 'what the heck', I'll try it."

- If a man's profile says something like: "I'm back here in the saddle again, after getting my heart squashed. She cheated on me with some guy from PR and I caught them in bed together. I'm so sick of these untrustworthy women. Hopefully you won't rip my heart out, put it in the paper shredder, and then hand it back to me." No. Don't victimize yourself, anywhere, don't air your dirty laundry.

Keep it basic, but definitely leave room for her to respond. If you note one of her pics are say, from...Las Vegas, and you've been there or have an interest in visiting, ask if when she was there, she saw XYZ attraction or if she liked ABC event.

Making it personal, I believe, is really key.

Maybe your profile is not well-written.

I don't necessarily agree with your masculinity theory, but if you think your photos are not masculine enough, then take better photos. And remember this is not about blame or fault, but rather how you can improve to get the outcome you want. Just complaining that the world is unfair will not get you anywhere.

Maybe your profile is not well-written.

 

I don't necessarily agree with your masculinity theory, but if you think your photos are not masculine enough, then take better photos. And remember this is not about blame or fault, but rather how you can improve to get the outcome you want. Just complaining that the world is unfair will not get you anywhere.

This is the place to COMPLAIN. Where else can he COMPLAIN ? If he wants to, let him ! Free world ! Free Speech ! If he wants to rant, let him !

Okay, the second girl has responded again, and she seems to understand it's a lighthearted joke and is even playing along.

It's nice to know there are still some women out there with a sense of humor.

This is the place to COMPLAIN. Where else can he COMPLAIN ? If he wants to, let him ! Free world ! Free Speech ! If he wants to rant, let him !

I agree completely. Free speech protects his right to complain, and free speech protects my right to point out that complaining will get him no closer to his goal.

This is also a place for support, advice, and sometimes, a reality check. Not just for complaints.

Well, she stopped responding again. Oh well. It was good while it lasted.

John, let me start out by saying that I'm not successful at dating. Long story short, I've never tried, but it's something I'll get over. I can always get girls hooked and wanting to date me, but then I, for lack of a better word, p---y out.

That said, I live in a rural location, have no picture on my profile (plenty of fish), and I've had a bunch of girls message me. I have not sent a message to any one of them initially, only responses. I finally find a way to get out of it when they start wanting to text all the time and meet up with me. I do send my picture eventually, if I want to keep talking to them, but that's part of the online game -- no one wants to talk to a faceless person for very long.

I only bring that up, because I don't think race really matters. There are BS statistics about the response rate of women on dating sites to men of certain races, but I wouldn't put faith into that. I'm sure you've looked into it thoroughly though as it seems pretty well implanted into your brain. With that said, I am a Caucasian male, not HOT, not UGLY, just average. In fact I'm probably the palest guy you'd ever meet; if you put me next to Jim Gaffigan (he's Swedish, I'm Norwegian don't cha know), I'd be the whiter shade beyond pale. If you think pale is hot in this era compared to dark, I want some of what you're smoking.

Pardon me, I don't really want to share parts of my profile on here because Google is my mortal enemy.

But, I just say things along the lines of:

Online dating is exciting, allude to myself being a creeper, creatively conjure up an image of an average looking guy in their mind, and let them know if they have something, I'll marry them instantly.

My communication style is mine...I don't think you should ever copy someone else. For instance, that dialog...what then, after it's run out? Someone has started to like you and they want to be around you because you were someone else. I'm not an expert, but that will implode real fast when the gig is up.

Usually I respond to the messages in a humorist tone, because...well...IRL it's me. I say what's on my mind, and I'm only serious when I need to be.

Here's a snippet of a response I sent:

"LOL, awesome message.

You sound amazing, [sNIP] I'm packing up my econo-car and putting away from [sNIP] with a vengeance!

I live in a dead zone, and that means we have opposite problems. You don't have the internet, and I don't have one of those magic telephones without wires.

It'd be a bit awkward stealing someone's phone; it's not quite as covert as stealing the internet from a laundromat. Plus I'd feel bad, well...maybe not if it was a phone with a lot of "bling." Then I could get my baller on on main street.

You're A+ [sNIP]"

I don't know if it helps at all. But if you're that insecure, take off your picture and change your race and just be you....see if that changes anything? Looks really don't mean anything man. I mean they do...mean something, it can be what you're "good" at. But you can also be good at making people feel good, or be good at buying them things.

The world is big, and there's all types of people for all types of situations.

Good luck.

John, race really doesn't matter. I'm not white nor far from what women would consider 'hot'. But I can tell you, just being friendly, polite but also have confidence about yourself goes a long way. Even if you don't attract every women romantically, you'll be able to attract them as both friends and some may find you very attractive. So it may be that you're putting too much emphasis on why you're not getting any attention or putting your race down as a factor.

Because if you are not comfortable with who you are, no internet dating manual will help anyone. You're going to end up projecting yourself as this person who is trying too hard or even desperate to get attention; even if you don't mean to. So try to focus on what positive qualities you can offer, what makes you unique and why women should be more interested in you.