Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: ...he's an alcoholic...I know that I deserve better...

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    2
    Gender
    Female

    ...he's an alcoholic...I know that I deserve better...

    I'm 23, I don't believe I've ever participated in an online forum. But I am at my wits end in many ways. I'm in a serious relationship with an alcoholic. I don't know that I've loved anyone the way I love this person. I know I'm only 23, but I don't believe love is based on age.
    We were together for a year, broke up for a few months due to his alcoholism. Got back together, it's been about a year since then. It's amazing how I'm constantly feeling like I'm dating 2 people. One of them, a person I love more than anyone. I adore, respect, appreciate. I'm so grateful for that person. The other person, is the complete opposite. A liar. A coward. An * * * * * * * . I find that I also become 2 people. The first, a loving, compassionate person. The other, the cold-hearted, victim.
    When we got better after the breakup, all was well. All was amazing, actually. He was sober, and doing well. I was so happy. I couldn't believe it! But then a relapse here, a relapse there. Now we haven't spoken in a week.
    I feel such a lack of hope. I feel so isolated. So depressed. I have no idea what will happen, what I'm waiting for. People keep asking if I'm sick, or tired. They're right to ask.
    I don't know that anyone will even read this, it doesn't matter. I just needed to share. I don't believe I'm looking for an 'answer', I just needed to share. To confide in someone, something.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member metrogirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    So. Cali
    Age
    49
    Posts
    10,930
    Gender
    Female
    Welcome to ENA.

    What was the nature of the break up? What made you want to get back with him?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Posts
    3,028
    Gender
    Female
    I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    I could go on and on about my experiences dealing with alcoholics. My dad was an alcoholic and he passed away when I was 12 from the disease. Every guy I have ever dated has been an alcoholic. My ex, who I was with for almost 2 years, developed alcoholic tendencies during the last year of our relationship. He became depressed because he was not happy with his life. He started drinking nightly, even alone. He got into a drinking and driving accident which made his depression that much worse. He would come home from being away at work for a month and head straight to the bar.. not come to see his girlfriend. He could leave at 11pm and not return until 6am and I had no idea where he'd been, I only knew he was hammered and could barely stand. Moments like those.. they are terrible.

    My ex was a great person despite all this so I can understand where you say your boyfriend is "a loving, compassionate person". I can understand completely. There is so much good even with all the bad. But when it's bad, it's REALLY bad.

    I am going to be completely honest with you. Get out of the relationship. I know it hurts - hell, it was the hardest thing I've done to get away from him and his drinking. But I did it, and I survived and I am MUCH, much happier today than I was then. I cried every night when I was with him.

    He almost convinced me to get back together with him, but I was not convinced he had recovered completely and honestly, the memories I had with him (the bad ones) were too much to forget.

    I know how hard this is for you and I want you to know that if you need anyone to talk to, I will listen. I know, leaving your boyfriend is a lot easier said than done. But I promise you it will change your life. I loved him more than I loved anyone. He was my first everything.. and we have so many good memories together and moments that I'll cherish forever. However, I deserved better than the bad moments and so do you.

    When I was with my ex, I thought that he could get better and then I could be with him again. And maybe that will work for you. But he has to want to change on his own - not for you. And until he decides to get help (which I know you know doesn't happen over night), I can't see how you two can be in a healthy relationship together.
    Last edited by -Sanguine-; 04-13-2011 at 05:18 PM.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    5
    Gender
    Male
    Hey Cillabonnie,

    You're in a very tough situation. Your boyfriend is very sick. I should know. I'm a recovered alcoholic. I tried everything to stop drinking from AA to willpower to exercising to trying to quit for those I loved. Nothing worked. I felt lost and hopeless. My ex-girlfriend who was also 23 at the time and loved me more than anything was like you, at her wits end. She had to deal with two mes. The real me who she knew and loved and the sick one in the midst of this terrible disease. She lived in a constant state of stress and worry. In the end, she could not handle it anymore and left me.

    It was then that I found the Sinclair Method. There is a lot of info at link removed
    It is a pharmacological treatment for alcoholism that is easy, relatively cheap and very effective. AA only works for between 5 and 15% of alcoholics. The Sinclair Method works for 80% who try it. I did it and was able to recover in 6 months. Alcohol is no longer an issue in my life. Please have your boyfriend check it out. If he is serious about getting better he will give it a try.

    Remember that this is a disease. Your boyfriend never asked to be an alcoholic. I'm not going to advise you to leave him like I know everyone else here will advise you to do. You need to decide for yourself about how much you are willing to put up with. I don't hate my ex-girlfriend for leaving me. I know it was a very tough decision for her. But I also know my recovery would have been much easier if I had her by my side to support me. Though on the other hand, if your boyfriend has absolutely no desire to get better, than my advice is to leave him. He needs to put in his effort for you to put in yours.

    I wish you the best of luck with your struggles and I pray that your boyfriend finds the recovery that he needs.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,255
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by tambo
    .

    It was then that I found the Sinclair Method. There is a lot of info at link removed
    It is a pharmacological treatment for alcoholism that is easy, relatively cheap and very effective. AA only works for between 5 and 15% of alcoholics. The Sinclair Method works for 80% who try it. I did it and was able to recover in 6 months. Alcohol is no longer an issue in my life. Please have your boyfriend check it out. If he is serious about getting better he will give it a try..
    This is NOT good advice. She should not do anything that puts her in a caretaker, advice giver/counselor role to him as that breeds codependency. When he is truly ready to get help ON HIS OWN, he will get help, but not a moment before he feels totally out of control. Right now, she has not talked to him in a week. Calling him to suggest treatments is kind of hooking her back in. No one ever "recovers" completely from alcoholism because even if you are sober, you have to be ever vigilant about not having a drink. A 'cure" implies someone can go back to normal and drink in moderation because they kick alcoholism...alcoholics can's.

    Please get some counseling and go to a support group if you feel that will help. I would get out now while you have an opportunity and don't look back. Your mental and emotional health is at stake.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member -Sanguine-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Posts
    3,028
    Gender
    Female
    Agreed.

    Speaking as someone who has been very codependent, you don't want to put yourself in a situation where you are taking care of him. It is HIS DECISION and no matter how hard you may try to "fix" everything, it can't be done. I went to counselling and it helped immensely. I suggest the same for you.. all of this is so emotionally draining the last thing you should be doing is trying to help someone recover from an addiction only they can be responsible for.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    5
    Gender
    Male
    I wasn't asking her to be his caretaker. I was trying to let her know about a relatively unheard of treatment method that actually works. You do not have to hit rock bottom or be totally out of control to do the Sinclair Method. There are no meetings to attend, no rehab, no steps. You simply take a pill. It is extremely easy and that is why it works.

    I know it sounds too good to be true, but alcoholism is a physiological disease. Not some spiritual problem as some would have you believe. If we have pills now that help with depression and nicotine addiction, why not alcoholism?

    Cillabonnie, I will gladly contact your boyfriend to let him know about this treatment method so that you do not get put in an advisor type role. If you need to get out of the relationship to preserve our emotional health, then by all means do it. No one will judge you for it. But I for one know what it is like to be in your boyfriend's shoes and I would like to help him.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    24,255
    Gender
    Female
    But he is not the one here asking for advice. If he were here instead of her, he could choose for himself. Also, it is wildly inappropriate for you to contact her boyfriend. It is an invasion of his privacy, not to mention puts her in a pickle because she gave you the number. Would you like your spouse,partner or nosey sister or brother to randomly give out your number to someone unknown to you to try to "fix" you?
    Don't prey on a vulnerable person to make a sales pitch. The point of all this is that her instincts are telling her she can't do this any more, and your advice is to get back in the ring and she IS getting back in the ring if she gives out his info. really, if you had just merely told her about a method that worked for you and left it at that - fine, that's helpful, even though its not about helping her. BUT because you offering to get involved here, I feel that you either financially benefit from the Sinclair method or have a savior complex or it just screams of lack of boundaries. (and by the way, alcoholism can pose a spiritual and emotional crisis for some folks that is very real even if it is physiological. There is no magic pill and the #1 people fall off the wagon repeatedly if they are an alcoholic is because of emotional reasons - they are pressured by peers to fit in, they are lonely, they get depressed, and they grab a drink again in a moment of weakness. not all people but a bunch )

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    2
    Gender
    Female
    @Metrogirl- we broke up due to to many benders and shenanigans. Too many lies. I couldn't trust him, and it was tearing me apart. I broke up with him. He moved out. We both saw other people while we were apart. We got back together, mostly because he pushed the issue so hard. I was very reluctant. I felt completely indifferent but felt compelled to give it another try. But right now, the state of the relationship is very similar to the way it was before.
    @Sanguine- thank you for your honesty. In many ways, I think you're right. Obviously we're going round & round in a bad situation, not getting any better. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I guess for things to get better, or things to get worse. I hate that I am this way. I never thought I'd be that 'girl', you know? that puts up with this stuff, but, honestly, I don't know that it's time to let go.
    @Tambo- thank you for the recommendation, I will let him know. But as Abitbroken and Sanguine emphasized, this is his responsibility. If he makes a big decision like this, for me, it won't last. because none of this is about me, it's about him. I'm not mommy, nor do I want to be. I'm also too young and too good to invest that much of myself. More than anything I just want to see him healthy and happy. But again, I thank you for the recommendation as he is eager to find alternatives to AA. He's beginning one on one therapy this coming week also.

    I'm so grateful for this support. Hearing from other people who have been in a similar situation is a huge help, I don't know really anyone who can relate. Hence my sense of isolation. I plan on going to an Al-Anon meeting next week. I am aiming not to be optimistic nor pessimistic; only realistic. I am determined not to lose myself.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •