maron muses here

i don't really have anything much to contribute unless i feel really compelled to. i am more active in a different forum and i mainly visit this forum to share in others' experiences and to learn from their victories/mistakes.

i'm not here to seek advice on how to get over my ex.

in sharing others' experiences, i'm here to learn how to keep progressing and moving.

i do hope that we will have a second chance. but he and i need growing up first.

i'm not waiting around for him either. i've gone on dates and in meeting those guys, i realized that i am compatible with so many different guys. what matters is who i choose and who chooses me. i've opened myself up to the possibilities of falling in love again.

i need to let go. tired tiger, jasper, and brownstone have been really good teachers in what "letting go" means, so i'm really glad i found this site. their perspectives are so different (the ones i've seen) and only in this forum was i able to find an honest, open discourse on what makes true reconciliations (not the unhealthy break up/make up stuff) possible and stick. i love the forum i'm from, but i've yet to find members that are like the three i mentioned. it's true that i need to let go of the old relationship because the "baggage" that comes with holding on will just permeate throughout my existing & future relationships.

who knows? in learning what i'm learning, i might leave my ex behind too, in spite of my hopes.

so this space will serve as my reflections, too. i've been learning a lot and i haven't taken the time to write what i've read, but i hope this thread will be more consistent.

i'll start here.

when i'm feeling very emotional about things i remember about my ex, that's the most important time for me to keep quiet.

"Saying Nothing...

Sometimes Says the Most."

- Emily * * * * inson poster found link removed

“The best answer to anger is silence.”

“Silence is a source of great strength.” - Lao Tzu

i must never underestimate what silence can do for me.

but i also recognize the limitations of silence. there are times when i do need to let my thoughts and feelings be known.

*seriously, d*ckinson was censored for that 4-letter word?

i wish i wasn't thinking of you anymore. you don't care about me at all, so why should i still care?

maybe it's because i'm the stronger one between the 2 of us. i'm the one with the stronger heart that can love freely.

you didn't do the same.

you'd rather quit when the going got hard.

is it because you weren't ready?

will i hear from you again?

i still think that not being friends is the best decision to make. if i'm going to have to live my life without you, then the sooner i get used to that, the better off i am.

and again, my feelings for you are all over the place.

i can't help but envy some of the people whose ex has gotten in touch with them.

... i guess it depends. the ones who want the contact are happy about it. the ones who don't want the contact aren't.

thoughts of you don't keep me from my day-to-day business, but i wish i didn't think of you anymore all the same.

i also wish i didn't miss you anymore.

i have a lot of good things happening to me right now that i wish i can share with you.

you're still the first person i think about that i would like to talk to about these things.

then i remind myself that you are the one who decided that you didn't want me in your life, so it definitely calms down my yearnings to be in touch with you.

you can take a look at my facebook as much as you want.

what matters most to me is that i'm not looking at yours.

pretending that you don't exist gets easier everyday too, even though i miss you.

when i get mad at you and our memories of us, i will remember this from now on:

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

 

- Don Miguel Ruiz, "The Four Agreements"

just that simple statement alone encompasses most of what i learned from the sharings of jasper and tired tiger.

i own up to my faults that led to the break up. but the break up itself i blame entirely on you.

you're the one who wants us to be done. not me.

i don't have any feelings for you right now, i don't think. i'm thinking that it's because i'm distracted by my wonderful family and friends.

maybe this is the stage where you've been at for the longest time. i wish i can just stay in this state of feeling.

i will not pursue someone who dumped me. i will not settle for a friendship when that's not what i want from you.

i need to remind myself of these things when my resolve weakens simply because i haven't heard from you in so long.

I've no idea why but I feel like I really turned a corner again today. I hope it's a lasting feeling.

wish you'd delete me from facebook too.

i feel blah today. thinking of you doesn't have as much emotional response from me, too. i finally bought don miguel ruiz's book and i'm really excited to just read it.

i feel like i'm outgrowing you. we haven't talked in so long, but for some reason, i feel like i'm outgrowing you by leaps and bounds.

If there's one thing that irks me about these breakup stories, it's the 'dumpers' who think they're still entitled to some sort of understanding or consideration or accommodation. To hell with them. They got what they asked for. The last thing on earth you should do is to provide them emotional support. - Brownstone322

Amen, brother. Amen.

letting go can be really quite confusing.

i don't appreciate people who get in touch with me when they have been out of touch for so long.

being busy is just an excuse. it's so sad that it takes time for people to realize when they're losing someone. then, towards the moments where that someone is letting go, those people start trying to reel them back in.

you weren't there when i needed you.

now that i don't anymore, you want in again?

take your show elsewhere. this audience isn't interested anymore. no hard feelings, though your contact hurts.

serge said "she doesn't care about me, so why do i still care about her?"

i have to keep that in mind, too.

I'm trying to be indifferent. caring about why mutual friend hasn't contacted is NOT being indifferent. so I should really just sit back and take a chill pill because I'm getting exactly what I wanted.

"I miss u"

"i feel bad because i haven't been able to keep in touch"

oh blaa blaah BLAH. that's just a bunch of babbling that i hear right there. you didn't "miss" me when u were not in touch while i was healing from the pain of your friend breaking my heart.

btw, i wonder if it's some reflection on my part that you guys are still wanting to be in touch or whatever. it's either to just not feel guilty anymore about sh*t or u really do want to stay friends. either way...

i meant what i said. i don't take it personally when i don't hear from any of u because i had to learn NOT to. i grit my teeth against expressing my opinions. you actually feel guilty that you don't keep in touch?? it was horrible to feel like i lost friends when i also lost someone i loved. i had to get over losing our friendship while getting over your jerk friend, too. talk about a double whammy.

i don't take it personally because i really don't care about how you guys are doing anymore. i don't feel better that you "miss" me. i knew it. a lot of how we feel are actually reflections of ourselves, so just keep feeling guilty because it's got nothing to do with me.

nothing you do will affect me as painfully as it did in the past, when you did do nothing.

keep it to yourself.

and i'm thankful to you, mr. ruiz. your agreements helped me get here.

when i get hit on by guys, i take it as a compliment but at the same time, it still hurts.

because i miss you.

attracting isn't the problem, it's finding someone that will stay.

i've had quite a few successes that i would've liked to share with you.

whenever i feel like breaking nc to do so, i remember the dispassionate tone of your voice.

it scares me to think that that's the tone that i will hear on the other side of the line.

not the same elated tone that i heard when i called you or you called me.

i really miss you. i still love you.

i wish we were able to share each others' successes with one another again.

and not just successes, too.

i have to stay on this path, though. i still know that not talking to you is the right choice for me.

it's nice to feel like i'm letting go again.

"if i go back to you, it's like you're just second best."

what on earth makes you think i'd even want to be friends with you after that?

why would i want to be friends with someone who writes me off as second best?

it's so sad that our good memories have been reduced to me being your second best option

at your own admission, too.

that freaking hurt so bad...

i'll use it for something positive, then. i'll just remember that whenever i feel like i want to get in touch with you.

Collection of reminders:

The number one reason you shouldn't call : You are going to feel lousy that you have set yourself back about 20 steps . Don't do it !

 

I know how hard it is believe me. Call a friend, call your mom... write in your journal/diary/blog...anything but don't call him. When I was where you are the only thing that kept me sane was telling myself that I would lose some of my control if I gave in and started calling.

 

I had to show myself that I was in control of myself.. he didn't control me !! Repeat after me.. He does not have control here, I do!

Hey all,

Myjoy I have done alot of thinking in the past couple days and totally agree with you. I think in almost all cases No Contact is the best and only thing we can do. They will come back on their own accord if that is the way their heart feels. I mean us trying to play games only prolongs our getting on with our lives-we should NOT be thinking about them at all. They right now, obviously are not thinking about us. The reason I had this change of heart is b/c I thought to myself, I have been broken up for 1 month and for the first two we contacted each other, and now nothing-I was the last to try...and now nothing nada. And I realize now that his man knows me, he knows I still care or at least want to be friends and if he is not making any effort it is b/c right now he does not care about me or my feelings so why the HELL would I want to think about a man who does not think about me. And now I too am taking the pesimistic cord-He is NOT coming back EVER. So...there are alot of other fish in the sea.

 

They chose to break up with us right-for whatever reason and most of them are dumb a%*es and will realize it one day, but why wait around?

another thing. being in touch with a mutual friend makes it somewhat easy to get ahold of information if i really wanted it, but when i feel the temptation to ask about him, i'll remember he hasn't asked about me.

when people don't care about something, they don't want to know about that thing.

another good advice i found.

DN, you have a lot of good things to say. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

If she's still going on about you chances are that people are thinking she's the jerk and are quickly realising why you broke up with her. Especially if your friends are defending you.

I may want to reflect on this too, in the future.

Oh Mac,

 

I so can feel your pain. The only thing you can do is offer her the unconditional love she clearly seems to be seeking—but believes she will never find. It doesn’t matter what you do, she needs to believe she is worthy of the love she is likely so desperate to find. It starts with self-love. I bet she can’t look in the mirror without wishing she had done many many things differently. All you can do is be straight with her. Offer her the conscience she lacks—but be kind about it. Much as it hurts to be hurt, it’s far more devastating to be the one doing the hurting and incapable of stopping it. Give it time. Envision how you would want someone to treat you if you were in those shoes.

 

When my g/f and I got into a huge fight, she pushed and pushed me away. I could clearly see that she EXPECTED that I’d see her faults and hold them against her. I didn’t. It hurt when she and I had our tiff—but all I could hear from her was HELP ME! She wasn’t ready to face her demons and she reflected them onto me. In due time, after about a month of my not accepting any IM’s or calls, something traumatic happened and I no longer cared how she hurt me. I knew she needed me and I was her friend, so I dropped everything and let it all go. Albeit, it’s different when it’s a bf/gf relationship, but I see the same things in what you’re telling me about your X.

 

Don’t worry, in due time you will forgive her. You will accept her flaws. Whether it returns to the type of relationship you currently desire, well, only time will tell that one. I think she does need support and to face her fears. Until she faces those insecurities, she will be nothing but toxic to anyone because she is seeking approval from outside sources when she needs to be accepting approval from herself.

 

For you, tho… you need to do the same. You did all you could and you know in your heart you were a good person to her. That’s all that matters. Follow the very best intentions in your heart and do not let the anger or fears force you to react the same way or stop you from enjoying each and every moment. Life is simply too short to let other people’s actions ruin yours.

 

Let the light inside YOU shine thru all the adversity. This way you will continue to build happiness within you and that will draw many people to you. Walk in love. Smile when it hurts. Cry when you have to let it out. Stay quiet when you want to scream. Speak with integrity. Keep the things you say nonjudgmental and caring. If you speak with the love in your heart, you can never go wrong.

wooow...