I'm marrying a cheater :(

My fiance and I are set to be married in just 2 short weeks. Not a lot of time left. We've had an amazing relationship since we got together nearly 2 years ago. I thought we had a great relationship. I really did. He is (was?) such an amazing person, so kind and friendly to everyone, so laid back. Just a nice guy all around, everyone's friend. The ideal guy, definitely.

But I found out last night he's been cheating on me since January. The wedding is 2 weeks away. I don't know what to do.

I went to his email account to get contact info for someone who hasn't RSVPd last night (I have all of his passwords to everything adn vice versa but never really had cause to look at anything suspiciously). I saw an email from an ex-gf of his, very explicit and raunchy, saying what they wanted to do to each other and trying to figure out their schedules to see each other. These emails were dated in January, nothing since.

I woke him up immediately and asked him what that was all about. He had nothing to say. He really didn't. He said he was stupid, that he messed up, that he just liked the thrill of the sexual talk with her, since we have sex only about 1-2 times a week (whcih, IMO, is a good amount for 2 people in varying schedules who live together, but I guess not). He says they never met up physically, just kept it to emails and texts (whcih he has deleted, but didn't delete the emails).

He even said this in a text to me today while I was working:

"I turned her down any time she wanted to meet up. I have zero intention of seeing her or sleeping with her again. I just got a thrill out of the things she said. The way she seemed to still want it after not being together in so long. It was flattering and I got caught up in it."

This girl is an ex-stripper who is married as well with a child. She overstepped some boundaries when we first started dating and he cut her out (so he said). I trusted him b/c I had no reason not to trust him. Turns out they've been talking every couple of months or so and the talk is almost always extremely dirty and what they want to do to each other.

On top of this, he said he went out with friends about 2 months back and danced with a girl at a club and gave her his work cell phone number (since Ihave no access to that) and they exchanged pics. I knew he looks at porn, masturbates when he gets the urge, looks at skimpy sites. It's never bothered me. I don't get jealous of those things. But now, now what he's looking at has a face and a name. And it's nto just one person.

I'm so hurt. I never thought he'd be the one to do this. I love him so incredibly much. I really thought we had an amazing relationship. I know I'm not perfect...I'm demanding and controlling sometimes and high-maintenance, but our relationship works for both of us quite well and we complement each other. I shoudl add that we both have had promiscuous pasts but have always been honest about all of that. We're in our late 20s, have a great apartment, a pet, good jobs, great friends. We're a "great couple". To outsiders, now, I guess.

The wedding is 2 weeks away. Two weeks. 140 guests. About $7,000 wedding. A lot of time and energy put into it. What I thoguth would be a wonderfully happy day for us will be filled now with wonder, distrust, lack of respect, and lies.

And now I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I go through with the wedding and live a life of unhappiness simply b/c I can't face people? Or do I cancel and face utter humiliation and attempt to regain my pride and self-worth?

I'm so confused.

Don't get married. It's only money. You may feel humiliated at first, but you'll be able to look back and know you saved yourself from a life of misery. If he's cheated already, he'll likely cheat again.. especially since your relationship is still relatively "new"

I would say the price of calling off a wedding ceremony is nothing compared to the price of living in an unhappy relationship for life, where you're unsure of your husband's trustworthiness.

It's easy for me to say because I haven't invested the money in a wedding yet, but honestly - you just found out last night. This is not going to be resolved in 2 weeks. When cheating happens, it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust, intimacy, etc - if you even want to. In my opinion 2 weeks is nowhere near enough time for that kind of healing and rebuilding of your relationship.

I would absolutely put off the wedding. It's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives - instead yours will be filled with distrust, hurt, sadness, uncertainty. I don't think you should feel humiliated to hold off on the wedding. He should be humiliated for doing such a terrible thing to you. He sent those e-mails, you have no way of knowing how far it went, and he also admitted to dancing with some random girl and giving away his phone number. Would he even have confessed it if you hadn't found out yourself?

Go with pride & self worth any day over a life of unhappiness. Besides, think of what's more humiliating - finding the strength to call off a wedding when you know your fiance is a cheater, or marrying someone you know to be a cheater and then being cheated on again and again?

If he's doing this now, what do you think he'll do when you marry, magically not cheat on you anymore?

Cancel all wedding plans immediately!! A divorce will cost you a lot more. This is no way to start a marriage, based on lies and deceipt. It will not magically disappear once you get married. The underlying issues will still be there, which will eventually lead to divorce anyway. Cancel the wedding!!

Hmmm....I used to work in an office full of men.

Quite a few are now married with children.

Some guys would never cheat. Some would "make out" with a girl while they were living with their fiancees.

And some would sleep with women while married, many women.

I don't know what to say. The several guys who just made out with random girls while they we're drunk at bars

Have turned out to be great fathers and husbands.

Yea it would pi$$ me off, but I was just a witness to this.

Its reality I guess.

If it was just a sexy email, maybe just forget it.

He intended to keep it hidden from me. This whole time. He's sorry he got caught, I think. I don't know much now about his apologies. I feel like i cant trust him or believe him. He just "wanted the thrill" and even had the audacity to put it to cold feet, as cliched as that it.

I asked him if vows meant anything. We wrote our vows out just recently and it says in there "I vow to be faithful to you". I asked him what he thinks that means. All he can say is that he messed up.

I coudl really punch him hard right now.

You're lucky you're finding this out before marriage and/or kids. Some women don't get so lucky

I wouldn't view canceling a wedding as humiliating--at all. I'd view it as changing course to spare myself a lousy future in favor of creating a whole new life of possibilities.

Hold your head HIGH.

Yet another vote for canceling the wedding (or at the very least, postponing it). I know it is not fun to call the guests, call the caterer and tell them that the wedding is off, so many you can have a friend or bridesmaid do that for you? It's better off now than getting divorced soon after. Like Optomistic Girl said - you think that these behaviors will go away when you are married? no. the trust has been broken, you can't fix it in 2 weeks. I don't know - maybe with a year of therapy, you guys can work past this. but I would look at this as a lucky break that you found out 2 weeks before the wedding vs. 2 weeks into your marriage. good luck

Hmmm....I used to work in an office full of men.

Quite a few are now married with children.

Some guys would never cheat. Some would "make out" with a girl while they were living with their fiancees.

And some would sleep with women while married, many women.

 

I don't know what to say. The several guys who just made out with random girls while they we're drunk at bars

Have turned out to be great fathers and husbands.

 

Yea it would pi$$ me off, but I was just a witness to this.

Its reality I guess.

 

If it was just a sexy email, maybe just forget it.

It was 2 weeks worth of emails. They emailed and texted for two weeks. The span of the emails dates from Jan 1-Jan 14. It was a lot of them. Not just sexy. Downright dirty.

cancel the wedding. he has to earn you back now, if ever. canceling the wedding doesn't mean you can't EVER marry him again (though maybe you wouldn't want to now!), but it does show him you mean business, and it's NOT ok to be dishonest in your relationship. even if it's "just" an email.

You're lucky you're finding this out before marriage and/or kids. Some women don't get so lucky

and this, too. figure out what kind of man this is. you have one clue now. don't fall into a life of second-guessing yourself, mistrust, and general havoc of a relationship.

RUN while you can!

Have you sat down and talked about this with him? Does he think this wedding is still happening? How does he justify going forward with the wedding?

I agree with those saying it will take longer than two weeks to restore trust. But I don't know that I would necessarily end the relationship. However, please postpone/cancel this wedding.

I haven't slept, I can't eat.

I worked 11 hours today on a half hour of sleep last night (literally) and I've had only half of a sub today to eat.

And he came home sick. An "intestinal virus" so he's in there sleeping now. I hope it's the guilt that's making him sick.

Another vote for canceling the wedding.

Without trust, you have nothing...

I feel like i cant trust him or believe him.

I think you just answered your own question here. You can't marry someone you don't trust or believe.

The bottom line is can you see yourself having a relationship with him after this? Could you ever be able to trust him again? Will you forever be questioning what he does and says? If you hesitate then that is pretty clear right there. It is not a good enough reason to go into a marriage that you will be unhappy in because of the money you invested in the wedding, or because you can't bare to face people. This is the rest of your life on the line.

Have you sat down and talked about this with him? Does he think this wedding is still happening? How does he justify going forward with the wedding?

 

I agree with those saying it will take longer than two weeks to restore trust. But I don't know that I would necessarily end the relationship. However, please postpone/cancel this wedding.

He said he'll do what he has to do to show me how sorry he is and how I mean everything to him. He's said that before, once when I caught him lying to me about smoking (this was in December). He had to quit smoking for health/dental reasons and he kept smoking, and he stupidly left the cigarettes on the dresser. He had been lying to me about it for months. I never knew. I'm so stupid.

If I only knew how trivial smoking was then.

I love him so much, even in spite of this. I just wish I could show him how much I am hurting right now.

He has already made it clear exactly what you mean to him.

That's what I told him

Yet another vote for canceling the wedding (or at the very least, postponing it). I know it is not fun to call the guests, call the caterer and tell them that the wedding is off, so many you can have a friend or bridesmaid do that for you? It's better off now than getting divorced soon after. Like Optomistic Girl said - you think that these behaviors will go away when you are married? no. the trust has been broken, you can't fix it in 2 weeks. I don't know - maybe with a year of therapy, you guys can work past this. but I would look at this as a lucky break that you found out 2 weeks before the wedding vs. 2 weeks into your marriage. good luck

Even if they don't go away, I think I'd rather have that than to face humiliation in front of my family. My friends I'm not worried about. my family, I am.

We got engaged rather quickly, just a couple months shy of a year of being together. People said it was fast but they were supportive. I am scared of people saying "I told you so".

His dad called me to speak with me about something this morning and I was so close to telling him what his son did. But I don't want anyone to know. I'm humiliated.

But I found out last night he's been cheating on me since January. The wedding is 2 weeks away. I don't know what to do.

Right now it may seem like the world is caving in on you. There is pressure, expectations, financial commitments, the perception and opinions of others...... Yes a wedding is a big deal. I understand first hand, all the planning that goes into it etc. But you have to be rational and you have to prioritize.

First, no financial commitment should take precendence over the actual real commitment of marriage, which he clearly can't keep. You should not sell yourself short and permit yourself to be treatred badly due to the fact that this wedding costs money or what people would "say", etc. Every cent of that money is still wasted if you walk down the aisle to take vows with a liar and while not feeling happy in your heart. You will be essentially part of a phony act. He can't be faithful now and you are not even married yet. Once he has you where he wants you- trapped financially- it will only get worse.

In the BIG scheme of things it is much easier financially and emotionally to walk away from a wedding than it is to be divorced or to deal with years and years of being taken for granted and cheated on.

Sell the ring. Sell the dress. Save this special day for another future man who deserves it. Be sure the guests know why the wedding is being cancelled. Have your maid of honor and family do the contacting to tell people to forget it- so you can be spared from the stress.

Go on a girl's trip with your friends instead of a honeymoon.

If you think it would be humiliating and expensive to cancel the wedding, imagine the humiliation and expense of a divorce while you have to explain to family and friends that you caught him cheating before you were even married.

By the way, I don't believe for a moment that it was just sexy emails. He's only admitting to what he can't deny. I'm afraid of what you'll find once you start to turn over more stones. Half truths are an adulters favorite weapon.

I can honestly say that if I had a friend or family member who cancelled a wedding at the last minute due to infidelity or abuse, I would think she was one bad arse woman and she'd have my unconditional support and help.

This is going to be very difficult for you. Remember, we are here for you and many of us have been through it. Welcome to ENA. You'll be shocked to find how genuinely caring and helpful a bunch of internet strangers can be.

On top of this, he said he went out with friends about 2 months back and danced with a girl at a club and gave her his work cell phone number (since Ihave no access to that) and they exchanged pics.

^^ This should be further warning and more reason to cancell the wedding. It makes you wonder what else has been going on in the past months. Without trust, you have nothing.

We got engaged rather quickly, just a couple months shy of a year of being together. People said it was fast but they were supportive. I am scared of people saying "I told you so".

 

His dad called me to speak with me about something this morning and I was so close to telling him what his son did. But I don't want anyone to know. I'm humiliated.

This happened to me, so I understand. Especially when you have people saying "I told you so," all the time. People aren't as nice as they would purport. Even if they say nice things to you, they'll be saying nasty things behind your back. And I'm sorry, but that's just life, whether whoever is here thinks that's untrue or mean or whatever.

All you need to do, is do what you're doing. People will find out it ended, and then he'll be the bad guy. Just cancel the wedding and let all this rubbish happen around you not to you. You're the victim, take a step back, stop worrying about other people and look after your self.