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What does it mean if an ex wants to be friends?


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So, I have done my research on the net, and I think I understand why my ex who broke up with me in November and said we could stay friends and tried to keep a little bit of contact through facebook even though I didn't respond to any of it....because he still probably had feelings and wanted to still keep me in his life in some way as he tried to move on. But, he and I haven't had any interaction since January (I'm counting from January since that's when he stopped his facebook Likes on my statuses and pictures) and he might be more moved on...yet, I heard he told a friend that he hopes to be friends in the future and to tell me he said hello. I'm just wondering what anyone thinks that's about? After FOUR MONTHS after BU, I heard about this "tell her I said hello and I'm happy to hear she is doing good " and this hope for friendship in the future.

 

So, what does it mean when an ex wants to/plans to be your friend in the future? What does it mean if they are thinking/hoping about this a few months post BU?

Is this a bad sign or a good sign.

 

Also, what is there to gain from being friends with me? It really hasn't been too long post BU yet, so why might he already be planning and hoping to be friends unless there is some sort of outcome or something he thinks he might gain from it...

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It depends on the situation. Maybe he just wants see you as a friend more than someone who he can reconcile with. Or maybe it's the idea of being friends make him feel that the BU had a good ending to the both of you.

 

My ex wants to be friends with me too. He said that he'll stay in touch with me. But for me, just let him be. Don't care about what he wants for the both of you. Care about what you want to make your life better. Let him feel that you're in control and you're not expecting anything from him, whether friends or not.

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I think it can be the latter for men also 22n32. I think sometimes they (Both male and female) just want to know you'll always be there. By keeping someone as a friend they can always go back if they decide to. It kind of sucks and I'm going through something similar now.

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A friend to them is just a friend that you don't see much, it's like how ton of us have 'facebook friends' but we don't necessarily keep in touch with all of them.. they don't want to FULLY cut you out of their lives but they also don't really want you in it either in my opinion. Just a way of easing things.. I'd delete from facebook if you still have feelings for him.

 

If you want ANY hope of reconciliation even though it's slim to begin with, you have to disappear. Also this helps you heal. By being around, even by letting his access your facebook page, you're just helping him move on. Mine left me in December and only after I did these things did he actually start behaving crazy because they are used to you hanging around.

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jumper11, well the way we are right now is basically facebook friends who dont talk or see each other. But we also don't even do anything anymore on each other's facebook pages or anything. So, could he really genuinely want to be friends in the future? Because clearly he doesn't mean how we are NOW which is friends who don't see each other or talk or anything. I know he means friends who can hang out and talk and text. Because he has a lot of friends who are girls who he texts and talk with and especially a few exes. It's just so strange to hope for the idea and then profess it to my friend knowing she might tell me. It's like, why?

 

And when did you stop the facebook contact? Right away after your BU? I do hope for reconciliation but it seems hopeless. It's been four months so deleting him probably is pointless since he maybe moved on completely.

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It took me 2 months after the breakup, it took me finding ENA. 2 months since I *fully* stopped any contact.. and that's when I deleted him from facebook. You're best deleting him, I thought the same as you, but by keeping facebook open to him, you're letting him see you if you know what I mean. If you delete him and change your settings to friends only he can only see your profile pic and name. Your break up really wasn't all that long ago and its NEVER too late to do something that will help you. Even if you don't use facebook every day, you are allowing him to see your pics and to see what you're up to.. plus the best thing is by deleting him you are taking a stand for yourself, and making it clear that this *isn't* okay. Plus it helps your healing..

 

So it's never too late. It took me 2 months, and ever since, things have really gone for the better. PM me if you want

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that's a good question.

 

maybe it's nothing other than a desire for platonic friendship. sometimes relationships don't work as relationships...but they thrive as friendships. i know most of us that have been broken up with don't care to entertain that possibility...because usually we're so focussed on the outcome of getting back together that we're completely blind to the obvious realities of the situation. we see what we want to see.

 

but...really...if you can't see being ''just a friend''...try not to delude yourself into thinking that it's going to work out any other way. if someone says he wants to be a friend...what reason could you have to take that for anything other than face value? easy to overanalyze...try to find meaning where there is no meaning. sometimes things are only as complicated as we choose to make them.

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As the dumper, for me being friends is leaving a door open. Having someone I trust so much around in case I ever need him. Also a way to know what he's doing and how his life is going; you can call it control if you want to. I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, so it also makes me feel less guilty knowing I've him as a friend.

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As the dumper, for me being friends is leaving a door open. Having someone I trust so much around in case I ever need him. Also a way to know what he's doing and how his life is going; you can call it control if you want to. I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, so it also makes me feel less guilty knowing I've him as a friend.
So are you, as the dumper keeping the door open in case you ever need him, also there for him if he needs you? I ask this because mine is still trying to be my friend a year later. I tried it once, but it was all about her and her terms. For example, she would tell me things like "I'll call you first thing in the morning", and I wouldn't hear from her all day long....then the next day she would catch me online and want to chat for hours. This was just one example of what I viewed as disrespectful. I bailed from the "friendship" quickly.
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Forum Guy, my ex started doing this too and I didn't let it go for more than a few days thankfully. Weird how people are all unique but they all behave the same in these situations - my ex was never one to be all on his own terms with anyone - always was walked on - yet he did this to me, yeah when people do that, it is not really a friendship at all!

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Only be friends with an ex if you can handle it. Do what is good for yourself, not for them. Your own self-interests and feelings are more important than anything else. When the dumper requests being friends, they usually want to spare your feelings and make themselves feel less of a 'jerk'. Also, some may have an ulterior motive and want to have you as a "Plan B", in case things decide to go south on the dating field.

 

If you want to be friends with your ex, by all means. I suggest not to be friends, because they can't feel remorse and miss you if you're always there in the background.

 

Ask yourself this: If you agreed to be friends with your ex, and they started dating someone else... how would that make you feel? Your answer to that should be the primary factor in deciding on whether or not to develop a friendship with your ex.

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When my ex and I first broke up a year ago, I thought being friends was the best thing to do. He agreed too. We stayed friends and in contact for the three months we were "broken up" but of course we still did things we normally did as a couple. So it was like we didn't break up at all. We did get back together but we didn't learn anything new, because technically there was NO break up.

 

When he broke up with me again last month he was insistent that we could not be friends. Not now, and possibly not in the future. I agree, because I know I'll always care for him more than I would with a friend.

 

Looking back at the break up a year ago, I realized I only wanted to be friends with him because I couldn't imagine what life would be like without him. I was so lost because I was so dependent on him. He also wanted to be friends for the same reason--he couldn't live without me.

 

I know it's very difficult to imagine that this person who you were once very intimate with is not a part of your life anymore, and that when you run into them years from now, they might as well be a stranger. Even I have difficulty accepting that today. But that is the hard truth.

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thewendy, Ironically, I ran into my ex today. I handled it pretty well which I was surprised about. I actually didn't even know it was him for a second. My brain had to register who he was, but of course he doesn't know that...I kind of wish I had said something to get under his skin about how I didn't realize who he was when he said hi to me, but I guess I'm not a petty person. He hugged me upon seeing me trying to be so extremely friendly and smiley. I was just being normal. It was so awkward cause he was not being himself. It was like talking to a stranger or someone with an air of acting and fakeness. At the same time, it felt so familiar....mainly based off the hug and standing with him. I felt like we were dating again for a second. It was an odd feeling. It almost felt at the same time like we never parted.

 

I was nice to him which I wish I didn't have to be because I hate him so much and I don't really want to be nice to him. I don't think I came off exactly happy about life which I wanted to. I think I came off a tiny, tiny bit flustered, very nice, but also kind of boring. So not a very great encounter, but not terrible.

 

I was surprised because I wasn't nervous, I wasn't shy, I wasn't too much of anything....just kind of blah. And what's so odd is the interaction was so normal to me...as if I see him all the time. I had a little bit of feelings, but hardly. So I'm just surprised by the whole thing. I felt good about it which was beyond shocking. I don't know if that means I'd

be ok being friends with him?....

 

Although, he was so overly kind and overly friendly with me that it came off so fake to me which in consequence, also came off jerky. It made me feel odd because he was treating me as if I were a patient in a hospital and he wanted to give me a great big hug because he felt sorry for me. It made me want to punch him with his over-huggy, over friendly, over sympathetic acting. I guess I got my answer today that he wants to be friends really because he probably feels bad for dumping me. I don't mind being civil when we have to see each other at times, but I don't plan to be friends with him because I think he is a jerk, immature and fake.

 

SO....I guess I have to wait a little while longer to defriend him on fbook because I don't want him to think I did it because we ran into each other and the encounter affected me so much or that I was expecting something to happen that didn't happen so I defriended him. I also don't want him to think of me as rude or a bad person for defriending him after he was "so extremely nice" to me. Honestly, I felt like a patient in a ******* hospital with how he treated me! It's like....I'm fine....and I don't need your friendship. But I'm going to wait a little longer because I don't want to seem immature after that encounter.

 

I hope I learned something out of it though. I strangely feel closure and I don't know why. I kind of have this feeling deep down which I don't want to absolutely believe because I could be very wrong, but I kind of think he isn't over me. I kind of think the interaction affected him more than me. I'm probably wrong and just want to believe that, but my instinct was telling me that I'm doing better. Who knows. He could have no love left for me at all at the same time, but something tells me his need to hug me and be so nice and the air of acting like he's cool and happy told me a lot.

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It's a tricky one because in most cases these people that want to be your friend were your best friend for a long time. For an ex to choose not to be with you anymore and then a few months down the road decide they want to be friends is a fair enough gesture, but not for me. Personally I thin it cannot work on the basis that you have a failed relationship moreso than a friendship. Maybe once you've healed and got on with your lives sufficiently and met someone new you could easily be friends, but not post break up. It will only stall the healing and add further pain once you find out they're with someone new/getting married or having a child.

 

Surely if life progresses well for the dumpee then the dumper that offers friendship at that point is looking like someone that might have a certain amount of regret. You have to take into account why it ended as well. If they cheated on you, then to forgive is hard enough, without even contemplating any future friendship.

 

In my experience, nothing good has come out of being friends with an ex. Even the ones that have resurfaced some years later have no appeal to me. It's all in the past. Look ahead and find your true soulmate.

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I have debates with myself all the time regarding friendship with my ex. I think my break up is still too fresh to come up with any concrete opinions about this matter.

 

I also have very little experience with exes. The only other guy I dated doesn't exist to me anymore, because he was just that. Some guy I dated. He didn't even become an official boyfriend. Our relationship started because there was initial mutual physical attraction, and the relationship ended when the physical attraction faded.

 

My ex, however, is my best friend. We were together for 8 years, and before we got together we were very good friends. In fact, it wasn't love at first sight nor even physical attraction at first sight. I met him in college, we hit off as friends, and then about a year into the friendship I realized I had developed feelings for him (which I was in denial with for some time, because he was my friend). As our relationship progressed our friendship did as well. He really is the best friend I've had so far.

 

That is why I debate the friendship issue constantly. How can we all of a sudden not be friends anymore? It didn't help that there was no erring party that led to the break up.

 

But despite that, I think that exes can only be friends if the break up was mutual--like if the both of you suddenly realize that your relationship with each other would be better off if you were just friends. If only one of you initiated the break up and the other is left questioning why, or wanting the other person back, then that is not a friendship. Someone will always get hurt. As I said earlier, I can't be friends with my ex because I will always love him more than I would a friend.

 

It's difficult to accept that even the friendship goes away when the relationship does, but that's life.

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It's hard to be friends with an ex most especially if you're the dumpee because every moment you will be with that person hits you and will hurt you. I tried to be friends with my ex post break up and it didn't feel right because I start questioning myself what the hell was I doing and became so nervous of what would happen next if he would still be nice or mean.

 

You will just end up trying and trying to impress your ex when you're friends to make him/her feel that you're deserving to be in his life and you might end up expecting more than should be expected. You have to quit thinking that there is life for the both of you in friendship because first of all, the relationship ended so what's really the point of rekindling something that has been over in the first place. It will be hard on your part to be friends with someone who disliked you that's why they broke it off.

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Oh no! I just realized that he and I will probably be doing this show in a few months that we did back in the summer while still together. I really want to do the show again so I don't want to bow out. I'm sure he won't bow out, so we will most likely be doing this show together. Even if it's not THIS show, we will most likely end up doing something together since we are actors who live in the same vicinity, know the same industry people and casting people, and have already now run into each other because of it. So, whether I like it or not, I may see him a LOt in the not too far future if we are cast in a show together. I can't stop my life and turn down work because he is in it. But this means, I have to be civil and friendly and nice....not necessarily friends but I have to be civil and I have to get used to the fact I may see him a lot in the future whether I like it or not and whether it will hurt me or not.

 

On top of it, I'm now worried I can't defriend him from fbook because it may hurt my chances of getting cast for jobs if the casting people that we both know notice that I'm not friends with him. They will think we are not friendly and that they can't cast us in a show together and may favor casting him over me if they have to pick one of us. And this is terrible, especially since I need work and it's hard right now unless you know people. This has actually already happened to me with one casting director. He didn't cast me in a whole season of shows, but put my ex in them all and he didn't even have to audition and I did and got nothing! I know I wasn't cast because he felt a loyalty to my ex who has done many shows and I was fairly new to the place, so he didn't want to put us together in anything and create any awkwardnesss. UGH.

 

So what can I do with this type of situation?? I guess nothing but suck it up, huh?

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  • 1 year later...

Funny thing happen to me. It's been over 3 months since our BU. I went NC for a month and broke it last night. My ex was happy to hear from me and she even said she was about to call me. She has no interest in getting back together right now but doesn't rule it out either. She told me she just wants to make her happy on her own right now. She did bring up the fact that she wants to be friends because that's better than nothing. Her words.

 

Anyway, she told me I could call her about dinner in a couple weeks. She said she might say no but it's not because she doesn't want to see me, she just might not be ready for it yet. I'm going to be honest and say the reason I want to give it a try is because I think it could help her see thst I have changed. She also promised thst she would contact me if she ever wanted to work things out.

 

I think even though would be as friends at least it steps even if they're baby steps. I also think she does want to be friends to keep a door open. Is this a bad idea? BTW, we were together for 6 years

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It depends who did the breaking up. If you did he's saying he wants to be your friend so he has a shot at getting back together with you. If he broke up with you, it's so he can have a shot at some sex without a relationship by dangling the relationship carrot in front of you.

 

What is there to gain? Nothing legitimate.

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It's only a good idea if you know what the boundries are. My concern here is that you are seeing it as a step towards reconciliation, and, in that regard, you are setting yourself up for dissapointment if she decides to move on and finds someone new.

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Friends become lovers, but lovers rarely become friends. I am not friends with any of my three exs. For the most part, as many people have mentioned on this thread they ask to be friends for two reasons, 1.) To deflect some guilt caused by breaking your heart, and 2.) Because they want you to be an option in case things aren't so rosy on the other side. By being friends with an ex right after a breakup you are only hurting yourself and making the split easier on your ex because they won't feel as guilty because you are still their "friend." If you were dumped, run, run away as far as you can. You don't want to know what your ex is up to. Sever off the ties and begin healing.

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It can mean many things...and for the most part, NONE OF THEM IN YOUR BEST INTEREST.

 

Ever heard the expression, "let sleeping dogs lie" ??

 

If you have survived this long without the friendship, you certainly don't need it now....nothing but pain and heartache await, I assure you, if you are not 750% over the ex, you are going from the proverbial frying pan into the fire, IMHO.

 

Ulterior motives, head games, a back up plan...all could be possibilities...your best option is to politely decline, then take the advice of Iron Maiden: RUN TO THE HILLS

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