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"Creepy" for googling somebody?


woodthrush

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Hi guys, this is my first post on here, though I've been reading ENA for over a year and feel I know many of you. I have always appreciated your thoughtful advice to other posters and hope you may help glean some insight from my irritating circumstance. I realize many people will think I'm overreacting, and I admit I probably did, but what's done is done.

 

The Background: I've been seeing a guy for a couple months. As far as I know, we're not seeing other people, but we're not exclusive, either. At first, it seemed more like FWB. We were really attracted to each other and had several unique things in common, but we are very different in other ways. For example, he is very laid-back and doesn't really stay in touch outside our meetings. He'll just randomly text and ask if I want to "hang out" or something. I am more intense and prefer making plans. Neither of us likes to talk on the phone but I like to email. He prefers meeting face-to-face, so basically we only communicate when making plans through texting.

 

He has made several nice gestures that seem to indicate he likes me. At one point about a month ago, I decided I didn't feel like dealing with this weird ambiguous relationship, and focused on school. I stopped texting him cute messages but still was polite and nice when I would run into him. After it appeared I had lost interest, he of course became more interested, and called me, saying he wanted to get to know me better, thought I was really talented and didn't know when he would ever get the opportunity to meet someone like me, etc. I told him that I wasn't looking for FWB, but at the same time, I didn't think we would ever work out in a real relationship because we were too different. He asked "Then what are we doing? Why are we hanging out?" and basically said that he had hoped things would progress to something less "casual" as we spent more time together. Last time we met up, he mentioned that he got the feeling that at any point in time I may just suddenly turn against him and decide I just want things to be platonic. He also started asking about a couple guys he noticed who seem interested in me. Both of us are very vague about our status.

 

So the whole "relationship" has seemed like a series of games: who can seem the most nonchalant and casual? But the difference is that he is naturally a casual person, whereas I am not. We have fun when we are together but we don't see each other very often. We're both busy and have schedules that don't mesh well. I admit that I never initiate contact anymore. It figure if he wants to meet up, he will contact me.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm getting off track. Last night I googled him and came accross some blog of his. I made some light-heard comment on one of the posts. Here is what happened afterwards:

 

He: an attempted blog. What, are you googling me now?

 

Me: You bet I googled you!

Your blog is so illuminating! I'll never forget how to spell your name now. ;-) Or your address. Ha!

 

[Note that I've been to his house a bunch of times and already knew his address and his middle name.]

He: Not sure how I feel about that.. I know it's very common now, but it still seems a little creepy to me. You used to have to hire a PI to find out that much about a person

 

Okay, so that last message really annoyed me! For some reason I just felt livid and offended. So he's calling me creepy now? He's cooked dinner for me in his home, and yet thinks it's creepy that I googled him? Here is my response:

 

Wow. Are you serious? What's the big deal? I randomly googled your name and that blog came up with your full name and address plastered all over it. If you find that so scary, you should take down your "blog." And if you are creeped out by me, then rest assured: I will certainly leave you alone!

 

I'm sure he won't even bother to respond and I pretty much knew that if I sent that message, that would be the end of our little "friendship" or whatever it is we have. I haven't heard from him since, but that was just a couple hours ago.

 

What do you guys think? Was he being rude? Was my response justified?

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I think even if you found his blog, you shouldnt have commented or mentioned it. Let him share it when/if he is ready. The only excuse is if it were a Facebook blog and he was your Facebook friend. Then you would naturally find it. I googled my boyfriend when we were going on a first date just to make sure there was nothing alarming there, but I certainly didn't tell him about it.

 

I don't think your defensive atitude worked in your favor, btw.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

I think things would have ended sooner or later, the way you describe him and the relationship. I agree with you - if he wants an anonymous blog, he shouldn't use his real name. future dates AND employers - that is the very first thing they do before asking you on an interview. I always google guys - i want to know if they have a wife or if they were in jail before i go on a date with them! I get alerts whenever someone googles my name, it's usually after i submitted a job application. anyway, no big loss, i don't think.

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Actually, I can understand why he felt that way. I also don't he was being rude at all. I do think you overreacted with your response though.

 

But if he wants his privacy, why post a public blog with his full name and address? And I already knew that stuff anyway. If somebody I liked googled me, I would be flattered, not creeped out. But that's just me.

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The problem with texts and email is that you can't tell if someone is joking, tone of voice, etc.... I don't know if he meant you were creepy, or if he was just joking. in person, you probably could have told by the tone of his voice. in any case, i think he should be more careful with his identity - anything he puts out there will be found out. hopefully this is a wakeup call for him. more and more, you hear about people getting fired for something they wrote in their online blog. you see just a few days ago, Gilbert Godfried tweeted a joke about Japan and was fired.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

I think things would have ended sooner or later, the way you describe him and the relationship. I agree with you - if he wants an anonymous blog, he shouldn't use his real name. future dates AND employers - that is the very first thing they do before asking you on an interview. I always google guys - i want to know if they have a wife or if they were in jail before i go on a date with them! I get alerts whenever someone googles my name, it's usually after i submitted a job application. anyway, no big loss, i don't think.

 

I didn't realize you can be alerted if someone googles your name. I google lots of people from my past, high school and university classmates, former co-workers, family, friends, former friends etc. That's just the way it goes now...people google people they knew...that's how lots of people have ended up re-connecting with long lost exs from their high school days. This guy sounds a bit unstable, blowing hot and cold and flipping out over his blog. It is not like you were a stranger. If he wants to be private he shouldn't put up a blog.

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The problem with texts and email is that you can't tell if someone is joking, tone of voice, etc.... I don't know if he meant you were creepy, or if he was just joking. in person, you probably could have told by the tone of his voice. in any case, i think he should be more careful with his identity - anything he puts out there will be found out. hopefully this is a wakeup call for him. more and more, you hear about people getting fired for something they wrote in their online blog. you see just a few days ago, Gilbert Godfried tweeted a joke about Japan and was fired.

 

His jokes about Japan were so inappropriate considering the scale of human suffering. It is one thing to say those jokes amongst your friends, it is dark humour, but quite another matter to post it for the world to see.

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But if he wants his privacy, why post a public blog with his full name and address?

That wasn't your original question or what your post was about. Your question was about if it was "creepy" if someone googled you and you explained the situation that happened between you and your boyfriend. You asked for our opinions and what we thought about his reaction, if he was rude etc. I gave you my opinion of the specific questions you asked. This was not about his privacy, but now it seems to be.

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His jokes about Japan were so inappropriate considering the scale of human suffering. It is one thing to say those jokes amongst your friends, it is dark humour, but quite another matter to post it for the world to see.

 

i agree they were inappropriate. just pointing out that he put it out there on the internet, with his name attached to it, and that came with consequences.

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I personally don't think it's creepy to google someone. I wouldn't think it that weird to write something like that on his blog when you had already been to his house. I don't find your behavior wrong, but apparently he does. Whatever, on to the next!

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You walked into FWB territory and got burned. It's perfectly natural to want an intimate and caring relationship, but when you demo that you're willing to nibble around the edges with someone who offers nothing more than vague noises to keep you where he wants you, you're going to bite into something toxic at some point.

 

I'd use this experience to clarify exactly what I want for myself. From there, I'd avoid playing games with anyone who's not willing to step up to the plate to give it. Period. You're old enough to 'date' properly--this 'hanging out' nonsense is messy kid stuff for people who are too young and insecure to define their boundaries and their desires.

 

If a guy is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, he's capable of phoning you to set up a date in advance, and you're capable of doing same. From there you can discuss whether you both hold the same ideas about progressing this into an intimate, committed relationship. If not, keep sex out of it and find someone who is--don't fool around with transparent cat and mouse games.

 

Bottom line: if you had established an interest in a mutual and enduring and intimate relationship, then reading a lover's blog on would be a perfectly natural thing to do because chances are, you'd be involved with someone who trusts you enough to offer his URL in the first place. This guy bristled at treating you as his GF, so you were already on shaky ground in terms of doing or saying ANYthing that sounded even remotely like you were pursuing intimate territory--and if he didn't slap you down for this, it would have been something else.

 

Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Make a private vow to yourself that you won't position yourself on that path again--for anyone. Respect yourself, and don't deal with anyone who doesn't demo the same respect for you.

 

Head high.

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Hi Catfeeder, Thanks for the feedback.

 

Just to clarify, we haven't come close to sleeping together. And I don't really know what I want from this weird friendship. You're right that I need to figure it out before moving ahead. But how? Whenever I see him, he's just so attractive that I suddenly forget how annoying our whole dynamic is. He claims he wants more than FWB but he doesn't act like it to me. And since I feel ambivalent myself, we're stuck in some dreadful limbo. Any idea what I should do? I've just been keeping myself busy with school and not thinking about it, but whenever we meet I get all wrapped up in it again. I have dated enough guys to know that he is not the one I would want to end up with, but at the same time, I haven't dated many guys I've been so attracted to, so I feel drawn to him. I know it's stupid...

 

Here's his last email. I haven't decided how to respond. Any suggestions?

 

I'm not creeped out by you, just by google mainly. Please don't take this the wrong way, I just figured anything you wanted to know about me you would just ask. Call me old fashioned. Don't you think it's a little weird living in a world with instantaneous "background checks?"

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I'd use this experience to clarify exactly what I want for myself. From there, I'd avoid playing games with anyone who's not willing to step up to the plate to give it. Period. You're old enough to 'date' properly--this 'hanging out' nonsense is messy kid stuff for people who are too young and insecure to define their boundaries and their desires... Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Make a private vow to yourself that you won't position yourself on that path again--for anyone.

 

I really like this advice. I think I should just get over the physical attraction and move on. FWB is not for me, and I think anything beyond that with him wouldn't work. So I guess I should just try not to get sucked in again...somehow. Sometimes it's just so hard to do what you know you should do!

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I'm glad he has seen around... I kind of agree with him in principle but not in practice. In this day and age, you're very stupid if you DON'T google someone's name in those circumstances.

 

You are too honest. Googling is one of those things that everybody does and everybody pretends not to do. It kind of stinks, but it's true.

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People's precieved privacy in public domains is frightening. Their ease of using a public domain and yet having a simultaneous discomfort with being searched or found via a search engine is ridiculously humorous. What's ridiculous are the number of people who are using the Internet and still pretending they are on a little island and only the peopel they want to know about them can see them...and a bunch of dogs in brooklyn, taking a break from their poker game.

 

It's not creepy to do a background check on anybody. Or maybe it is - someone actually wants to know more about YOU without you knowing or without your permission. Post one picture of yourself on the john, and you could find yourself caught with your pants down on the Internet. Welcome to the public domain!!

 

And I find it particularly funny how he brought up how you'd have to hire a private detective to get this information.

 

Welcome to 2011 - we're ALL private detectives in the comfort and privacy of our own rooms!!!

 

I thin tkeh Human is still a good 100 years behind the technology, socially...the adjustments have been so many so quick, it's still not yet caught up to us!

 

And as for posting on his blog - hey, it's a public blog. And you wanted to comment. Funny how when its 'the world' reading our content, we're Fine with it, but as soon as it becomes someone we know, we get all weirded out by it. Of course, we're all here posting on this site under pseudo names...but that's just it, we're not positng under our real names! that would be insanity!!

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I think humans are still a good 100 years behind the technology, socially...the adjustments have been so many so quick, it's still not yet caught up to us!

 

That's a really interesting (and probably true!) observation.

 

And as for posting on his blog - hey, it's a public blog. And you wanted to comment. Funny how when its 'the world' reading our content, we're Fine with it, but as soon as it becomes someone we know, we get all weirded out by it.

 

Yes, it's strange indeed! People want to use the technology on their own terms, but it doesn't work like that. Once they're in, it's essentially out of their control. Case in point: I am using this site to get feedback, which is great. But on the other hand, I've given up some revealing details, and should this guy ever find this thread somehow, I'm sure I'll have to pay a price!

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You haven't given us your name or any compromising details. So you're still on your own terms!

 

What I have found amusing, though, is a small group of forum users who feel that by not using your real name, you're somehow less sincere - so they sign every post with their real names. Perhaps that's true, but I would prefer not to censor myself, I want to speak freely - but i know language is NOT free in this nation - so I use a handle instead!

 

These same people are usually pretty wary and untrusting of most media as well...which you could expect.

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