I'm ready to move in, but he's not :(

Hello all my friends at ENA, I just need some insight on a conversation I had with my bf yesterday.

My lease will be up on my apartment the beginning of June, and I'm required to give 60 days notice, so I've been thinking very seriously about what my next living situation is going to be in a few months. Yesterday I asked my bf what he thought about us moving in together, and he told me he doesn't feel he is ready for that yet. We have only been dating for about 8 months, and he just feels it's too soon. He said, "we haven't even been together a year." He has lived with a few previous girlfriends ( he's 19 years older), all ending in disaster because they moved in together way too quickly according to him. He told me he told himself he would never do something like that again. This kind of threw me off guard, because we moved very quickly in the beginning of the relationship and he always talked about me moving in with him, he even said once that his plan was for me to move in with him... but it doesn't seem like that's what he wants now.

After he told me these things, I got a little upset. He asked me why I want to move in with him and I said because I love him and take this relationship very seriously, I want things to progress between us. He said he does too... but he just isn't ready and he doesn't want things to end up being a disaster. He then told me that he loves me, and to trust him, that he will let me know when the time is right.

I respect what he says, and I completely understand what he says and where he's coming from. We have had a lot of ups and downs in this relationship, and we are finally starting to communicate better, and have a healthier, happier relationship. I'm not going to push this or anything, but I still feel worried that he isn't ready to make that sort of commitment to me. I feel like I'm surrounded by couples that moved in months after starting to date, and have now been together for years. It just feels strange that we don't do the same. And it also scares me to feel so ready and so sure about all of this, when I feel like he's questioning it and feeling so unsure himself.

Once bitten, twice shy.

That's his boundary and he is obviously not going to compromise it.

You shouldn't be too worried. I'd only start asking questions after you guys have been together for a year and he still doesn't want to move in.

For now, respect his boundary like you're doing, and don't push him.

Just some general, very random, thoughts from a guy's perspective.

1) The grass is always greener on the other side. Don't compare your relationship status to others. Living together is not necessarily better than not living together.

2) If he's 19 years older, he's only interested in 1 of 2 things: 1) Having kids since you're more fertile than women his age (low probability based on his behavior) or 2) Lot's of sex with a younger woman (high probability that's the reason he's with you)

3) Women tend to work less at the relationship once you're living with the guy. Break ups are much messier if you live together, so it's easier for the woman to slack off in the relationship after living together. Seriously, what's the incentive for the guy to live with a woman? It generally means less sex. And the sex is why he's with you.

4) Don't make important life decisions based on when your lease expires.

Don't make important life decisions based on when your lease expires.

Bam. Right there.

Looking at your other threads you have had so many problems and issues with this guy that I think it is a blessing in disguise that he doesn't want to live with you. The writing has been on the wall for a long time that this relationship is not a good one for you and you spend a lot of time feeling hurt.

Just some general, very random, thoughts from a guy's perspective.

3) Women tend to work less at the relationship once you're living with the guy. Break ups are much messier if you live together, so it's easier for the woman to slack off in the relationship after living together. Seriously, what's the incentive for the guy to live with a woman? It generally means less sex. And the sex is why he's with you.

I love the honesty. It's amazing that women know that and yet we still refuse to admit it sometimes.

I don't think sharing physical space is a sign of increased commitment -plans to get married (or plans to be together long term if marriage isn't available or desired bythe couple) are and the sharing physical space is just the consequence of the increased emotional commitment.

I appreciate your reply and definitely see truth to some of the things you've said, but number 2 and 3 are actually wrong. He does not want kids, he's made that very clear. Also, he isn't with me for "lot's of sex". I'm the one in the relationship with the much higher libido, and the one that usually initiates it. We only have sex 1 - 2 times a week, while I sleep over at his house several times during the week. He's admitted to me that sex isn't a huge importance to him.

Looking at your other threads you have had so many problems and issues with this guy that I think it is a blessing in disguise that he doesn't want to live with you. The writing has been on the wall for a long time that this relationship is not a good one for you and you spend a lot of time feeling hurt.

Thank you for your reply Crazyaboutdogs, I always appreciate hearing from you.

I know we've had our fair share of issues, but things have actually been getting much, much better. We are communicating extremely well now, and he's been just been so wonderful towards me. Things have been going in an uphill direction for the last few months now, and I really feel that the dynamics of the relationship are changing.

You're probably right, I'm just trying to be optimistic and hold out hope that things might actually be permanently be changing for the better.

I'm with Crazyaboutdogs...from your other threads, and this one, it sounds like based on what you write that you sacrifice so much of your own needs and happiness for this guy, and it's not being reciprocated. I think you very much want this relationship to work out, but it's all about him...his terms, his needs first. I've been in relationships, where we had a lot in common, got along, had great fun, connection...but it's like walking on egg shells...like one thing you say or do, you worry, fuss, have anxiety over it.

When you get to my age, which I think you are just about or so (adult anyway)...8 months is long enough to figure out if you can picture or even start planning a future with someone. Heck, I've had hideous instances living with old bfs, and I mean the last time I lived with a guy, it was hideous! And it's not making me shy away from getting a place with my sweetheart in June (cuz I know he's the one I want).

But I will tell you this. Your insecurity makes him insecure with the relationship. (Repeat) And your insecurity is VALID!!! People stimulate things in you that make you feel loved, cherished, trusted, crazy, or insecure. And there is something about this partnership that is triggering it. Take some time to think about it. If someone is really on your wavelength, same page, what have you...that insecure feeling...it's doesn't weigh you down, or isn't there.

..your insecurity is VALID!!! People stimulate things in you that make you feel loved, cherished, trusted, crazy, or insecure. And there is something about this partnership that is triggering it. Take some time to think about it. If someone is really on your wavelength, same page, what have you...that insecure feeling...it's doesn't weigh you down, or isn't there.

I completely agree with this, that some partners trigger a certain kind of 'walking on eggshells' feeling. More often than not it's because your partner could (for the most part) take or leave the relationship. They'd be sad about a breakup but not devastated. Whereas the relationship is important enough to you that you're consciously trying to maintain it, constantly monitoring it and wondering how they feel, waiting and hoping that they'll feel the same way about you as you do about them.

There's something fluid, almost effortless about a more mutual relationship. At least at the beginning. It's true what they say, relationships do take work, but ideally this is of the 'maintenance' variety, NOT of the 'does he/she feel the same way as I do?' variety. And I say this as someone who's had too many of the latter. Those relationships where you feel insecure almost always end with an unceremonious dumping. And a breakup is much more complicated and painful after you've lived together.

I think either renewing your lease or finding a new place by yourself would be ideal. Some apartments will let you go month-to-month after you've completed a lease (like a cell-phone company). See if that's a possibility. But most of all, keep your options open. I haven't read your past threads but based on what you write here and what others have said it may be a blessing in disguise that he's not jumping the gun to move in with you.

*sigh*

So should I just break up with him then? I really feel like things are getting better... and I really feel like he really loves me...

But if a breakup on his part is imminent...

I just don't know what to do.

I don't think a break-up is approaching on his part. There are two scenarios: One that will passive aggressively date you, find ways to act complacent and be mediocre (hence not moving in together), just so you'll break up with them. And the other, they pretty much treat you as good for now, till something else comes along (not necessary better, but a way out).

But, it's not about him...it's about you. Do you feel that he is now finally loving you, cuz you're on "good behavior", like trying to avoid tough topics, telling him your wants, needs, and desires even when you think it's too much, cooking, cleaning, house-wifey stuff? That you're not truly yourself? I can't tell you what you deserve or want...just ask yourself...is this guy good enough for you? Don't sell yourself short. And it sounds like you are.