14 Year Age Difference.. Future Worries

Hey all,

I'm a 24 year old (mature) woman dating a 37 year old man... never been married, no kids, musician... I feel like we meet somewhere in the middle as far as maturity goes, and sometimes we both feel like I surpass him.. I have been through a lot!

We are having our own problems right now, and I feel like if we get through them together, it will have been a huge implicit commitment (as opposed to something explicit like engagement or cohabitation). Thus I'm beginning to expose some of the concerns I have about the future..

Our age difference does not normally bother me, but I started thinking.. Everything is great right now, and even if we waited ~5 years to have kids, that would be fine for me, a fine age for him. But then my mind kept going.. if we waited only 5 years to have children, and he lived to 72, our oldest child would lose their father at age 30! He is not the picture of health, so 72 already feels like a blessing to me. If he lived to 72 and we stayed together, I would be a widow at 58 or 59..

I know these concerns seem a little frivolous and possibly extreme, but a lot of my fears are surfacing because of this possible looming commitment. I wonder if I should open myself to someone who's more my age, with whom I could share a potentially very full and long life.. but then I realized that we could very possibly divorce when I'm 58 or 59 and I'd be in the same boat..

I know there are no guarantees in any situation whatsoever, but does anyone else in an age-gap relationship ever feel this way? How have you dealt with it? Am I just being plain stupid? I know that I love him and want to be with him.. But I am not the type to "need" to be with anyone or even want to need to be with anyone.. So, to me, the idea of "someone I can't live without" isn't very attractive, as it is more reflective on me as an individual, rather than the relationship itself.

Ahh, give me any insight you have!

u cant look at it like that.... u could marry someone ur age and he passes away at 40.. or this guy could live till hes 90.....

just enjoy the present and make great memories.

I think those are valid concerns. Some people don't care as much about what might or might not happen in future. I personally feel like being alone at an older age would really suck. That's one of the reasons I just don't like large age gap relationships. I don't want to start looking for love again at 60 or be worried about someone's health issues while I'm still young.

Your age gap doesn't seem too large tho, depends on his health, you might be able to work through it.

My boyfriend is 58, almost 59. I am 21.

The kids issue isn't really one for us but that's a very important one to consider. My boyfriend is not healthy but he is working on losing weight and he's getting there. Given his health problems and family history, I suspect that if we stick it out, I will be a widow when I am in my 40s, maybe even a little sooner. I've already accepted this and whatever happens, happens.

I think part of being in an age gap relationship is realizing what COULD happen. If you're ok with things, then go for it. If you're not willing to take the risk, that's fine too. Just be honest with your partner.

Remember though, Death can come at any time. Being with someone your age isn't a guarantee of anything. It's just LESS of a risk.

As someone in a 14-year age gap relationship (I'm 43, he's 29), I don't think you're being stupid with your concerns.

But as others have said, death can happen at any time. And people have the longevity and stamina nowadays to be parents at later and later ages.

However, what you really need to decide is if these concerns are deal-breakers for YOU. Our opinions are essentially irrelevant...how you feel about the situation is what will determine how you ultimately react.

It's so hard to determine whether the concerns are really that important to me.. because I know how I feel about him. That said... and this may be cynical... but like I was saying about not "needing" someone specific, I feel like I could find someone else, too. I just don't necessarily want to.. I love him now. Does that make any sense? It may not be as glamorous or romantic as anyone wants to hear, but I know I could make it without him and love would come into my life again... But then again, saying that I realize that that could happen, even if we stayed together "forever" and I was a widow at 60.. I could find love again. I think what really hit me was when I realized that he could promise to "spend the rest of his life with me" but I, assuming a full, natural life, couldn't promise the same thing back.. bah!

I completely understand your concerns, I have the same. men already live (on average) 7 years less than women, I don't need an older man dying even earlier on me! I prefer older men, but for this reason alone I wouldn't be ok with dating someone more than 5 years older than me. unless it was a girl. (I know that's silly though, but I really want to live my whole life with my partner, and preferably die within days/months of each other)

as everyone else said though, he could die tomorrow even if he was your age. death is not predictable. maybe he'll even outlive you. it's really up to you to decide whether or not it's worth a relationship.

I think what really hit me was when I realized that he could promise to "spend the rest of his life with me" but I, assuming a full, natural life, couldn't promise the same thing back.. bah!

LOL....he's 37, not 87!

That being said, after reading your 2nd post, I think you should probably consider finding someone your own age. If my boyfriend had these kinds of concerns about me and our "lifespan", I'd actually be questioning the depth of his love for me.

Hell, even though I'm 14 years older than him, he calls me "young lady"...age truly means that little to us.

So if it means that much to you, I would honestly recommend moving on. Just sayin'.

My parents were about the same age, and my mom died and left my father 22 years ago. So even if you are the same age, things happen.

He could die tomorrow, you two could break up after the children and could never see him ever again.

If you keep on having such future concerns date someone much closer to yuor own age or younger then you can worry about something else.

(I know that's silly though, but I really want to live my whole life with my partner, and preferably die within days/months of each other)

Unfortunately life does not work that way, though........

Some people don't care as much about what might or might not happen in future. I personally feel like being alone at an older age would really suck. That's one of the reasons I just don't like large age gap relationships. I don't want to start looking for love again at 60 or be worried about someone's health issues while I'm still young.

Bearing in mind the divorce rate is pretty high you could be looking for love again at 60 regardless. I married a guy my own age and we are now divorced and I have learnt through my own experiences and that of friends (and even fellow eNA members) that we can't take ANYTHING for granted. We could spend a lifetime trying to find someone who ticks ALL the boxes yet it still not work out.

My now bf is 15 years younger than me so I do understand your concerns, neolithic, even more so bearing in mind our situation is even less socially acceptable, but our relationship is amazing and we are amazing together. No he doesn't tick ALL the boxes because of his age but I am NOT going to let that stand in the way of what is so right otherwise. Whatever new relationship we embark on is a risk and we could end up getting hurt regardless of any age difference there may be. The future is the future and I will deal with that as and when it becomes my present but for now I want to be happy and my bf makes me very happy. Its better to have had some happiness than none at all.

That said... and this may be cynical... but like I was saying about not "needing" someone specific, I feel like I could find someone else, too. I just don't necessarily want to.. I love him now. Does that make any sense? It may not be as glamorous or romantic as anyone wants to hear, but I know I could make it without him and love would come into my life again... But then again, saying that I realize that that could happen, even if we stayed together "forever" and I was a widow at 60.. I could find love again.!

I don't think that is cynical I think it is realistic. I think it is a good view to have because you know whatever happens you can still carry on. We all have to suffer heartbreak at some point in our lives. Of course it hurts but what do we ultimately do ... eventually? We pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves down and we move on. I have found love again after marrying someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Someone who hurt me badly. I pledged my life to this man, he pledged his life to me, I thought we were going to grow old together but since my divorce I now realise that nothing, NOTHING, is forever. Even if I were to get married again I would still have that view. That may also sound terribly cynical to some people but thats not to say I would be getting married assuming we were going to split up ... I just now know that there are NO guarantees in life ... or love.

I think what really hit me was when I realized that he could promise to "spend the rest of his life with me" but I, assuming a full, natural life, couldn't promise the same thing back.. bah!

You can both make promises to each other but that doesn't mean to say that either one of you won't break them, for whatever reason that may be.

A full natural life still isn't a guarantee that you will be on this planet for any given length of time. Natural causes could take someone away at 60, 70 or even 90.

If my boyfriend had these kinds of concerns about me and our "lifespan", I'd actually be questioning the depth of his love for me.

 

Hell, even though I'm 14 years older than him, he calls me "young lady"...age truly means that little to us.

 

So if it means that much to you, I would honestly recommend moving on. Just sayin'.

 

I have to agree here. If my bf gave any hint of concern along these lines I don't think I could be with him. I have to admit, however, that I have these concerns but he, being the younger one, constantly puts my mind at ease as to how he sees the future. He sees us as equals and says we will grow older together. Having said that my bf always assumed that he would end up by himself. He has had gf's, of course, and he has had long-term relationships before but he has never found "the one" (so he says lol). Long ago he came to the realisation that he wouldn't find "the one" or that "the one" ever really existed and he would therefore end up alone. He had accepted that as his fate. Then we met and it changed everything. Maybe he knows that if something happened to me he will be OK by himself, it is how he saw his future anyway. Maybe he knows, now that he has truly loved once, he could find it again. I really don't know but he is happy for us to be together for as long as humanely possible. His confidence in us is what keeps the relationship strong. Without that it would have fallen apart ages ago.

 

My parents were about the same age, and my mom died and left my father 22 years ago. So even if you are the same age, things happen.

 

My lovely grandparents were about the same age as each other too, my grandad died at 72, my nan died at 93. For 21 years my grandmother was without my grandad. As I have said above there are simply no guarantees in life whatever rules you may follow in order to be with someone with whom you can grow old.

like i mentioned, we are having a lot of other problems right now.. we usually don't have any problems, but something happened and i have to decide.. if we are going to get through this together, it's a big commitment.. i'm being somewhat cold about it i suppose because i already feel hurt and don't trust him right now. i'm thinking just.. even if everything worked out great, i know i could die tomorrow, sure, but he needs to start a family sooner than i do.. and just.. blah. my feelings for him aren't as strong for him right now as they usually are.. i never really had a problem with the age before, but i also wasn't thinking in terms of major commitment, right now..

I don't believe this is about age. I have a strong feeling you are more concerned with starting a family than you are with love. There are no signs from these posts that you are in love with this guy.

I don't believe this is about age. I have a strong feeling you are more concerned with starting a family than you are with love. There are no signs from these posts that you are in love with this guy.

I agree with this.

I could be totally wrong here neolithic and you don't have to answer me but I am going to throw this out there. Are you pregnant? Is this the big decision you have to make? Or does your bf want you to have a baby, like, now?

Lots of people have babies later on in life. I was 37 when I had my 3rd baby (she is now 5). If I die at 72, my daughter will be 36. However that isn't something I threw into the pot when my ex-husband and were contemplating having another baby. Of course I could die long before I am 72 meaning she would be even younger. When you lose a loved one, especially a parent, it is a sad time whatever our ages. It is, unfortunately, a life event that is unavoidable and something we have to cope with whatever our age. If you are going to put too many logistics in your way then you aren't going to get anywhere.

I, too, feel that perhaps you don't love your bf enough to NOT let these issues be problems.

It's a reasonable concern. He should be keeping fit anyway. But 37 is not that bad, as long as he keeps himself fit. But if you really do love him, it shouldn't be much of an issue anyway. Even if he does leave you when you're 58/59 (whatever), at least you'll have the best years of your life

I have these concerns as I'm 40 and my boyfriend is 24. But I live in the moment and treat every moment as precious. My dad died young so I worry about death. All I can do is treat my body well and hope for the best.

Enjoy what you have. You only live once, that we can remember, and we should live it the way that WE want to. I wouldn't give someone up that you love just for fear that he may die sooner than you. Nothing is for certain. For all you know... you could find a younger man and he could die at a young age, or you could, or he ends up a jerk. There are SO MANY possibilities. I think about this stuff too, but what it comes down to for ME... is that I am NOT attracted to men my age. They are just not where they need to be mentally for me... I'm not attracted to them enough to want a relationship. I would never date someone my age simply to have a longer relationship. It wouldn't make me happy. The goal here is for you to be HAPPY. Are you happy? Does this feel right? If the age gap were larger, say 30 years, would you still stay?

What do you mean like implicit commitment - do you mean you guys don't want to get married but want to do the "being not-married to eachother forever" or do you mean that if you risk working through the problems, you might as wells stay together. For now, I wouldn't worry about the kids. I would focus on and decide if the problems you are working for are something that couples just normally end up working through if they have been together long enough of are they major things that point to incompatability with life views and other stuff (dealbreakers), or can you guys just not communicate? Also, if you are saying sometimes you are more mature than him - pay attention to that. Because you are only going to get more mature, hopefully. That is the biggest issue with 10-15 year age gaps is when the younger person ends up surpassing the other person in maturity and ends up complaining that the person they loved because they were older but not stuffy ends up being like a 40 year old child.

As far as kids go - people are living much longer these days and its pretty normal - the people you think would never make it end up living until they are 99. You just can never tell.

I would just take one day at a time and work on the things in the present you want to work on and

like i mentioned, we are having a lot of other problems right now.. we usually don't have any problems, but something happened and i have to decide.. if we are going to get through this together, it's a big commitment.. i'm being somewhat cold about it i suppose because i already feel hurt and don't trust him right now. i'm thinking just.. even if everything worked out great, i know i could die tomorrow, sure, but he needs to start a family sooner than i do.. and just.. blah. my feelings for him aren't as strong for him right now as they usually are.. i never really had a problem with the age before, but i also wasn't thinking in terms of major commitment, right now..

Being cold to him doesn't help. And he doesn't "need" to start a family sooner. Men can successfully father children at a much later age than 37. BTW, what is this problem that has come up that is making you question everything? That is kind of important, isn't it?

My wife: 15

I was: 30

That was 30 yrs ago, 2 wonderful adult children.

Now age difference that is a sit at bar discussion.

The other factor 1 month out of a marriage.

Here's my example if it means anything. My second husband was 44 when we married I was 31. I had my last child with him at 34 he was 47. He died at 69 after we were married 25 years. Our daughter was then 22 or somewhere around there (not doing my figures exact). Anyway, we had a good 25 years together and I don't regret ever marrying him or having my last child with him.

I don't remember ever stressing over the age difference and figuring things out like you are doing. I just loved him, married him and took life as it came. It's your call and your feelings, but I think if you truly care enough about him this won't make a big difference.

I understand your feelings, I kind of feel the same way with my guy who is 13 years older. However, my feelings of wanting to be with him no matter what is more overpowering so I don't want to even think about it. Just listen to your feelings, do you want to be with him or not? There's your answer. Yes, it's a possibility, but so is everything else. My parents are 11 years apart and they're still living.