One of those days..

I am scared that if I don't make some friends soon I am going to become depressed. I just feel really, really lonely. This is the first time in 2 years that I haven't been talking to some guy, even if it's just random texting. And it's the first time in 2 years that I'm really realizing who I want my true friends to be, and how many I don't actually have. I just want to go home and go to bed.

And the stupid thing is...

the reason I prefer to have a positive outlook on life is because I've always believed you won't get anywhere by being negative. Like since I feel like I have no friends, being a downer is NOT going to help me. I need to just put more effort in because it's all up to me. I just wish it was easier... but if I let myself become depressed then I lose. If I let myself become depressed then it is my fault I have no friends because I gave up. I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen.

But what if I can't help it? I am running out of resources and I am sick of not having my own close group of friends who live near me. If I could have anything in the world right now, that would be it. And honestly, I'd prefer not to have another boyfriend until I have a solid group of friends. I just feel terrible today. Getting 4 hours of sleep last night is probably adding to my sensitivity this morning, though.

Update on my life:

I am alone - as in, I am not texting any guys or involved with anyone. I am getting by with the friends I do have. And today is the first day in a long time that I have felt genuinely happy. I realized that I am more in control of my life than I have EVER been. Breaking up with my ex has made me realize ALL of this, even if it took 6 months. I am OKAY on my own and I am in control of my life. I don't ever have to do things I don't want to do and I don't have to let people treat me badly. I can stand up to it and I can make it stop. I remember feeling so trapped before - trapped by others, by my emotions and most of all I felt like I had no control. I didn't even realize it at the time, but I was not living for myself. I lived for everyone else. Who was I?

Now I live for myself. Yes, I am still always going to be that soft hearted person I always was.. but now I can pick my battles. Usually it is not worth it, but sometimes it is and I don't have to put up with crap. CONTROL. It is just so evident that that is what I have and I love it.

I've been realizing this more so also because of my attitude. I have very strong beliefs about having a good attitude. I ABSOLUTELY hate it when people sit around and complain about how crappy their life is. I mean yes, we all have bad days and we complain - I do it, too. But when it is months later and you are still complaining about the same thing.. well, then I don't know how much sympathy I can have for you because YOU have the power to get out of that situation and make things better. Yes, things get hard and I'm not saying that people don't have the right to feel down or upset because I do to. But if you are sitting there and not doing ANYTHING to help your situation, then how can that be? AT least if you are trying to make your life better and you are failing, you are doing SOMETHING.

I don't know. I just feel like if you want something, go get it. I want to be more fit. And be sitting around ignoring it and just eating what I want and not exercising is NOT going to accomplish that. If I want to be fit, I actually have to do something. If I sit around and gain weight then I have no right to complain because it's all up to me.

It's all up to me.

Another one of those days. It's rare that I sit around and let myself sulk. I pretty much always look on the bright side. However, today I feel different. I don't want to do anything and I'm just kind of in a bad mood.

First of all, the guy who has the pics of me... I sent him a FB message and he never replied. I know he has been on FB since I sent it because I saw other updates from him. It just makes me really mad and frustrated that someone could be so mean. I know I let the photos be taken and so ultimately it is my fault, but I just thought people were better than that. My faith in humanity was severely affected by this. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.. but seriously he is such a slimeball, it infuriates me so much. I will be seeing him in person within the next couple weeks and I can honestly say that I do not want to be in the same room as him. I have never hated anyone in my life. I don't like to hate. But I cannot stand this person and I do not understand him at all. I am just really upset over it and it's out of my control now.

Second of all, I am very frustrated with myself. I am angry that I am so nice and I let certain people walk all over me. I am angry that I do not let people know when I am upset.. instead I just pretend I'm not upset. I actually convince myself I'm not. Plus, I always second guess how I feel and I tell myself that my feelings are unjust. My worst fear is being seen as selfish. My other worst fear is disappointing people. And frankly, telling someone I'm upset isn't going to fix anything.. at least not in this situation.

My friend.. the person who I thought I was closest to in this city is not really my best friend anymore. We are different people and we have different priorities. Yes, she is a good person and I love her to death, but things are changing and it's just made me realize that I really have no one here. I mean yes my two best friends are there for me, but they live at least 5 hours away. And my family is 3 hours away. I miss them terribly. I just really miss and crave being close with people and spending quality time with them. I don't have that anymore. It makes me extremely sad. And now this frustration with this friend of mine just made me realize that yes, I have been upset with her but mostly just realization that things are changing and there's nothing that we can do to stop it.