I am 39 and for 20 years now i have suspected that there was some form of sexual abuse in my past for several reasons.
The largest of which being my sexual preferences. I am really into bdsm and controlling sex and frequent sex. I feel such a strong intense pull towards being submissive in a sexual situation that its almost overwhelming and i can not climax without feeling successfully submissive. However in all other aspects of life, i am a strong independent confident, successful, driven woman.
Another prominent reason is my overtly sexual childhood. As a child (ages 4-5) i was incredibly drawn to sex and "dirty" things. I always tried to get my friends to do things i knew were "wrong" and i didnt understand why. I would spend the night with a neighbor and would make her "kiss" me with an open mouth. I don't think tongues were used at that point. I would crawl on top of her and make out with her. It makes me feel so disgusted to actually put this in writing.
I know that I was touched inappropriately at least 3 times by 3 different men but, by the time those things happened, I had already been involved in the sexual acts with my friend. I remember my mother asking me frequently if anyone had ever touched me in the wrong places. I would always tell her no because I was afraid. It makes me wonder if she knew something because she was ALWAYS asking me. I also question why I was touched by so many people. Did I display some kind of sexual attitude as a toddler?? I hardly think so. I just don't know why it happened so often. But, as I said, the sexual behavior was already occurring by the time I actually have memories of these other incidents.
The other strange thing that is brought to memory is that I would urinate in strange places. I got some kind of thrill out of going in my toy box and I did that frequently. What in the world???
I have asked my girls (i have 3) if they have ever been touched inappropriately and they act like I'm crazy. I've also never seen any of the behavior that I exhibited.
If I can't truly remember the abuse, is there even a way to address the possible abuse through therapy? Wouldn't a therapist think I was crazy if I came to his office and told him that I think I was abused but I don't remember?